368- Phobia

Sometimes you realize just how lonely and sad you are when you look around and theres no one there. You'll never admit it to anyone that you are but you cant lie to yourself about that... not all the time anyway. No, you cant lie about that all the time to yourself.

You just know theres no one. Just you in this world. Where theres no one you can be sure that's even connected to you. Sometimes its that craving for a connection that makes it seem like I'm marooned on an island feeling how empty it is with just me on it.

Scary sometimes that you only have yourself to rely on. That you are the only one that's there and that no matter how hard you try... your imagination and what it makes of things are just. Images that are made up to make yourself feel better.

I want to make deep connections with people so anchor myself to them and them to me so that my life is in their hands and vice versa. Not just with one person but with many. Would that be fair? To have that kind of connection with more than one person? I'm not sure. But I want that.

Its a little odd not having it. Like theres a part of me that's just waiting for something to happen. On the edge of a knife. Waiting.

I think this is coming from the fact that I want to take care of someone the only way I know how. To serve. It makes me sound submissive and in ways I am and can be. On the other hand I'm dominant... in ways I am and can be. Maybe its that person or connection I'm looking for that allows me to be both or one or the other depending on the situation.

I always want people to be happy. The way I see it is.. if I meet someone that's.... ???!!!??? then why wouldn't I want to make that person happy. I change. Who doesn't though? Who doesn't change even a little bit for the other person. Its inevitable.

But in my mind I do it because I want that person happy. Theres no guarantee that person will return feelings, emotions or anything like that. It would be nice but there is no guarantee. Theres no way of knowing if that person will ever find someone else to love and care for other than you.

Theres a blind trust there that's needed. It terrifies me sometimes because I wouldn't know what to do if it happened to me. If I found someone that didn't .. want me.. anymore or didn't find me.. enough.

Knowing how I am when I get involved with someone I give myself wholly. I don't expect the other person to do it but I do want them to treat me ... gently. If that makes sense.

That's where my commitment phobia comes in. I don't know if I can quite call it a phobia but its something that I'm wary of.

Sometimes Im tough sometimes Im not. Im telling people what Im scared of and in some way its liberating. Just dont give the enemy the knowledge of that. They could really do some damage.