369 - scared

I'm in place where Ive turned off my phone, Taken the battery out, removed the chip and placed them all on my bedside table separately.

I don't to get a phone call from A. To talk about whatever we talk about. I don't want to deal with him. I don't want to have to tell him that I'm not interested in him that way. That I'm not the one hes looking for and that I'm not in the same place he is as far as where this relationship is going and whether at some point it will lead to the bedroom.

I don't want to deal with that and I don't want to be the one to say it to him and hurt his feelings. Its just something I don't want to do. If I'm honest I don't want to do that now, or ever.

At the same time I took the phone apart so I don't succumb to the insane feeling of wanting to have sex. I want to have sex so badly it hurts. I cried. I want to call someone...maybe someone in particular. It was someone in particular at the beginning but in the end my mind didn't or wasn't able to distinguish between who what where or when. Just wanted someone. A warm body beside me. A hot body sliding over me inside me and spilling all over me.

I cried because theres something wrong with that. I hold back tears now not wanting them to fall because theres a part of me that's ashamed of this. Of what happened to me earlier to what I went through. Alone. Always alone.

Ive felt that before. Ive written a post on something similar. But not. This time it was different. It was just a pure selfish need to find release with whoever. Someone, anyone.

Whats wrong with me. Nothing tragic has happened in my life. There are a lot of things happening that I cannot control but a lot of it I realize that I have no control over it...

I cant even control myself sometimes. This need, this want. How do I trust myself when I meet someone that it isn't just for the satisfaction of this thing that eats at me if its not fulfilled. A close friend of mine told me once to go to a meeting for people who are addicted to it. I don't think so.

It doesn't happen all the time but its hard to go through. More intense than how I describe my addiction to D. My drug of choice in this respect is D. But hes not here and he wont always be. So i revert to what? What I used to do. Scroll through the list and make a call.

I realize I don't date well because I'm removed from it. I treat it like I do this thing that I have. Not quite a wham bam thank you man but my more finessed way. Its awkward as hell for me but I get through it and end up confused.

Ive dated yes but there has always been a distance. Whether its described as miles or something emotional. Its from me and truth... I'm scared of ever letting anyone that close to ever make me feel hurt because if from what I call relationships if what hurt I felt there is anything compared to really really giving myself over to that person. That would not only break me but might possibly kill me.

So I sit and cry for someone to make it all stop. For someone to make it right. For someone to make ME feel all right. That what I'm feeling isn't wrong. To let me know that I'm not crazy. That Ill get through this and I can control it.

.... That its going to be all right.

Theres a part of me that hates needing someone telling me it will be all right. Why cant I just tell myself and believe it.