345 - Bad day

Monday - today - bad day
wont be over until I hear a gavel come down
Not liking stupid people on the road
The law doesnt protect people it screws people over.
Some people, I hope Im not one of them at the end of it all.

Im shaky but Im ok. I will have to be ok. Inhale the positives. Exhale the negatives.

I guess this is what happens when I dont have any drama in my life.

Life creates it for me.

I prefer the drama that I choose to create. None of this unplanned incidents.

Arg - sigh-

344 - Proximity

P has been calling me more and more lately. I don't always answer his calls because I know it will be a long conversation so there are times when Ill let him get my voice mail. He is a little intense sometimes for me and already hes saying things that make me a little bit wary of continuing things.

I know he means well. I know hes a nice person. I'm also not sure of certain things so that make me think. Hes going through a lot of personal things at the moment which I wont go into but its just a lot for one person to deal with.

I don't mind the attention, its just I'm not sure of his expectations and that puts me in a position of not knowing where I should be and how I should be. I don't want to hurt him as hes easily hurt so Its a delicate dance with P to make sure that were both in a place that is acceptable to the both of us.

The relationship with P makes it so that I sometimes feel obligated to do certain things. I dont like that feeling. Ive enjoyed spending time with him but it just takes a lot of my time with him and hes the kind of person who needs a lot of attention. I don't think I can be that person for him for a long period of time.

This thing with P is also on going and also on and off. Ive made it that way so I'm not such a constant in his life and I try to make sure that we spend some time together every so often to make sure he doesn't feel left out of my life.

Its a little difficult sometimes but it somehow works itself out. Hes a great person. Very supportive and very in my corner when it comes to whats happening in my life. Its a very intricate and interesting relationship we have.

Makes me smile to think about it. It also makes me shake my head thinking about it.

I hadn't heard from S in a while and I got an email from him letting me know hes been thinking of me and has been wanting to call me but he was unsure of how I would take that call... and even if I would take the call.

Again hes a little pushy for me and I'm not in touch with him because of it. Theres a time and place to be someone and act a certain way, his timing just happens to be all off. It really has ben a while since Ive spent any time with S. Maybe once Ive got things under control at work then I might consider going out with him. Right now? Not such a big priority.

J called me and I had to apologize again about not being able to free up any time to see him during his free time. I know he must feel like I'm blowing him off but I told him I wasnt. I just need to take care of things on my end and maybe spend more time with him to feel comfortable around him to just let myself be.

SB called to let me know he might not be in town for a while and wanted to let me know he was looking forward to seeing me when hes in town. Whenever that is.

V is going in the woodchipper. Why some might wonder? Well I think its because I didnt partake in some of what he was offering last time he came to town. It just wasn't something I wanted to do then and I had a gut feeling that I wouldn't see him again if I did partake.

So I find myself being right in that aspect. Theres been no contact and I know hes been in town every couple of weeks. No calls or emails. I know its a double standard but if they don't keep in touch with me then I find myself not hoping for anything, much less looking forward to doing anything with them.

What keeps people interested? Proximity.

A is probably mad at me as I haven't returned his calls. Not for not wanting to its just that Ive been busy and I happen to forget to call him back.

343 - missing

I miss Brazil. He was really good to make out with. I think what I really liked the most was that I was the one who decided. I decided when to see him. What I wanted to do and if all I wanted to to make out, kiss and nothing else. Thats what we would do.

If I wanted to go further and if I wanted to touch him I would. If he wanted to touch me I would decide if he did or not. He was such a good sport about it. I think he knew that nothing would happen if It didn't happen that way.

I haven't heard from him in a while but thats OK. He is in Brazil. Every so often he calls. Sometimes in the middle of the night and hes drunk. Funny. Booty calls from Brazil. Im always amused when he does that. Theres a lot of him wishing I was closer so we can see each other. Cute really.

The check engine light is on in my car. I'm not too worried as it comes and goes on its own and the car is running fine. As far as I can tell. I should go get it checked out though as its been on and off for the passed 3 months or so.

A friend of mine has a CD player for me and were trying to set something up where he can install it in my car. I know I haven't told you I still have a tape deck in my car. LOL I never use it. I just leave it on the local radio station. Im not picky. But it will be nice to have a CD player. Itll make me feel like I have a new car :) Though now Ill have to burn soe CDs a I dont really own very many if current CDs.

That also reminds me that I have to go donate blood. They had the mobile blood clinic at work one day a couple of weeks ago but I didn't make an appointment and walk ins are usually welcome but they didnt have an opening when I was available. Thats OK. I can always go in after work sometime. I just have to remember to go.

I also have to go do my taxes. I have a couple of options on who can do it. The same people that did mine last year. D's friend who is one of our coworkers. Or another guy who works with us but Id have to go talk to one of the trainers to get a contact number.

Im not sure why but I don't was D's friend to do my taxes. Just a feeling I have so I think Ill talk to that trainer and try the other guy. Who apparently does about 600 other people who works in the company. He does that part time and charges about 30$ to do it. Thats a nice side business.

My brother is planning on getting himself a Mac Book Pro. I think its the Pro hes after. Hes going to use his income tax return to get it. I shake my head sometimes at him but its his money. Im almost inclined to give him mine but then what would I use?

Speaking of that. The internet. I have to rethink it. Getting it that is. Wont go into it now but that idea has been put on hold until certain things have worked out. Will keep you posted.

Im thinking of finding a place that I could spend some time volunteering. Thats me being ambitious but Its an idea and Ll good things start with an idea. We shall see.

The snow is melting. I was walking The Big Dog and I was excited to see the curbs on the street. I was also excited to see the sidewalk. The weather is getting nicer though it still chilly. Getting better though getting much better.

I know Ill stick with my rule but sometimes I question it. Which rule you ask? The one where I dont date coworkers. Ive met some really nice people and some that I entertain thoughts...

I don't think I will dip my pen in company ink as that would just be asking for trouble. Ill just stay my friendly self and not go into anything serious. Keep it light and fun.

342 - OT

D called me earlier this evening. Hes back. Im addicted. To him. To something about him. Im wondering if there are meetings for addictions like this. I need help. Its like getting a fix when I hear his voice. When I see him theres a rush of adrenaline through me that really feels good.

I wonder if he feels that way too. Or if anyone feels the same way towards someone else and not actual drugs.

He probably doesnt feel that way and wont worry too much about it as I know that Im wired completely differently than he is... and to other people period.

Its interesting as were both really laid back people. Him more than I. The difference is that I take a little more time in letting things go. However compared to the general public me letting things go happens pretty quick.

On the family front. My dad just returned to San Diego from Alabama. His business trip was cut short but hes happy to be home again. He calls every other day and its nice to talk to him even if its just a few minutes sometimes.

The last call was regarding my sister and her ending her relationship with her beau. I think my dad was really bummed about it. Why? I'm not sure. Hes worried about her but I told him shes doing OK and if he needs anything she knows she can come to me for anything. In fact... and I didnt tell my dad this tidbit. She already did. Other than doing my sisterly duty of listening and giving great Darling advise.

She asked me for money. Im not sure why I didnt expect it sooner. I knew it was coming but just wasnt prepared for it. Of course Ill help her with what she needs. She hasn't mentioned a figure yet but I'm sure that she will.

So her plans are to move out on her own. Find an apartment close to her work and something that is affordable. I know how much she makes and I told her that she would have to make sure to budget accordingly. I told her what I did when I moved out and shes prepared to grt a second job if needed.

I told J3 that today was my last day there but we talked and Ill stay on payroll for emergency purposes. If they are stucck and really need someone, depending on my schedule I might be able to come in.

I missed a call from The New Job this morning. I wont tell you what kept me distracted and occupied. Its a bit embarrassing to share. So I missed out on Overtime. Darn. I was really looking forward to working some as the money is good and I plan on banking my OT for time off for next year if I can get the time off. If I cant get the time then Ill be able to cash it in so thats my plan.

Also they are currently in contract negotiations and theres talk of strike. I guess theres always talk of strikes when negotiating. So If it so happens that we do go on strike and I have some OT banked. Ill just cash those in so I have some income during that time.

Dont really know how much Ill be able to bank by that time which might not even happen but its good to be prepared.

I like work but theres always those few moments where I get really nervous and anxious. I dont like not knowing. I like to be as prepared as I can be for most things in life so in some cases at work I dont have the opportunity to prepare as I would like. That makes me nervous.

D has been great with it all, even through my worries. Hes very reassuring and I like hearing him say I can do it. In the end I can do it. ot because he said so but because I have no choice. It is my job.

Anyway I went to pick up his belated birthday gift but the store was closed so Ill have to pick it up sometime this week in between work and errands. He told me not to bother but I'm going to anyway. Its nothing fancy. I know he'll use it. Well, I hope he will. But if not then thats OK. I don't know if he uses what I got him for Christmas. I wonder...

I checked my voicemail and I had 11 messages. I laughed at some of them and I called back a few people to keep in touch. I havent called one of my girlfriends. I really should. Her birthday is coming up as well. Ill have to start thinking of what to get her. Most likely a day at the spa.

I told D that I kissed my date. He teases me about it. I wonder if he kissed his date. He says he didnt. I dont have any reason not to. But Im still a bit jealous about the fact that he was out with someone else. Why? I know I dont have a hold on him. Were not in a relationship. Theres no ring on our fingers. Just one of those things that makes me go hmmmft!

I asked him about kissing and told him Id like to do more of it with him if hes open to that. Why do I talk about these things with him? Because if you don't ask you don't get. If you don't ask you'll never know. Id rather know sometimes. Depends on the situation of course.

SB has been really excited about seeing me again and hes already called me to let me know that he will try to make sure to come to town more often. We had a quasi serious conversation regarding the reason I am open to seeing him when he is in town. I couldn't give him a straight answer that he would be happy with so I changed the subject.

I wonder the same thing about him as well but I know that theres to much to reveal if I open that can of worms.

T called me and I didn't recognize who it was for a little while and thought it was really someone else. Until he mentioned something and the light went on in my head. We talked for a while and he told me he was home visiting family for a while. I was a bit upset that he didn't try to reach me when he was closer to me. His family lives in Toronto, about 4 hours from me. Thats closer than where he is in Chicago.

So we got caught up on things and I told him about The New Job. My concerns and all that. he was happy for me and thought it would be good step for me if I wanted to move to a different department. Which is always a possibility as there are many internal postings that I should keep an eye out on.

I havent forgotten about putting pictures up on this blog. I know it hasn't been too exciting or up to date. Theres been so much happening but I find that sleep reaches me before 'Im able to do more.

Another week starts tomorrow. How time flies. Make sure to stop and smell the roses. Enjoy the little things and doing your best is all anyone can ask of you.

341 - private matters

I know I know! Ive been really lacking in the blog post arena. I promise to get better. Hopefully with something juicy and scandalous to tell. If I don't have anything scandalous to share with you Im sure I could make something up that would be equally as titillating.

Im out on my own now and Ive survived a whole week of being on my own after training. Im getting the hang of it and there is so much more to learn that they slightly touched on a little bit during training. So much that I have many questions for my other coworkers.

Its an interesting group as theres so many of them and they have so much to share. Whether its stories of whats happened and how things work and all that. Everyone has been really helpful with me and they are all very willing to help me and answer anything.

I do notice that they help me out more than the other people in my class. I dont think its because I'm new. I think that they like helping out a damsel in distress. Its a manly work place Ive entered and it shows in the attention that I get when I go in certain areas.

Ive talked to D about some of the things that have happened to me and hes told me that Im getting preferential treatment. I wont complain about it. It makes my day go by easier and the word around work is that Im a sweetheart.

By the by he just called me from his weekend away to tell me he missed me. I melted. What can I say Im a girl. I think he likes it. The attention. Who wouldn't like that kind of attention right? I mean when someone is around to stroke your ego every so often, tell you nice things and how great you think they are. Yes thats nice. Very nice indeed.

We talked for a while and then he had to go. It will be nice to talk to him again when he gets back. I miss him too.

His birthday was on Friday. I have to pick up his gift tomorrow and I told him when he gets back that I would take him out for dinner sometime.

Its weird that I can tell him anything and he doesnt freak out. Its nice in the way that I can tell him things on my mind. Like how I think Im falling in love with him, that I can tell him some of the things Ive done in the past thats very colorful. Hes OK with it.

SB was in town on Thursday. We went out for dinner and I spent part of the night with him. D went out with his friends that night as well. He found out about my dinner date with SB just as we were going into the restaurant.

He called me to let me know he was heading home. He teased me a little bit about being on a date. He also called me 3 hours later at 12:30am to check up on me. He wanted to check up on me. He. Wanted. To. Check. Up. On. Me.

Which tells me great things. He likes me and he was jealous that I was out with another man. He wants me and even if theres a little bit of truth to that theres is truth to it. How do I know? I asked him. He confirmed that yes he likes me and yes he was jealous. He also said after admitting that he was jealous that there wasnt anything he could do about it.

So I reveled in the fact that he was jealous. That is, until he told me that after he found out I was on a date. He went and called someone to go out for drinks. I didnt want to know but I had to ask. I asked him if he went out with a girl and he said yes. That took away the buzz and brought out the little green monster in me and I told him that. We did have a laugh over it though. How we were both jealous that the other was out with someone else other than each other.

Its very nice to be open with someone. That I can just tell him anything and hes there to listen. Sometimes he can help sometimes he cant but its always great that someone will listen. Sometimes it gets frustrating when theres no reaction but that just gives me something to think about which I would either way.

I asked him he he thinks of me when were not together. He said 'of course I do, thats why I call you so much. Sweet huh? I also asked him how he doesnt think Im a little on the crazy side with all the things Ive told him. I find it werid that hes ok with it all... and I find it disturbing thats hes OK with it all. I also find it fantastic that hes ok with it all. Mostly fantastic.

I bought these boy cut panties. I wasnt sure that I would like them but I bought a few of them and I find that I look pretty darn sex in them. Though that could be because I was looking at myself in those and only those.

340 - news

I went through the training process and am now a certified ( unable to disclose that information ) Its fun so far and though it still feels new. I still have butterflies being sent out on my own. There are still a lot of things to learn and I will as I go along.

I have moments when I doubt that I will enjoy this new venture. Ill continue to do it and hope that eventually it will feel like.. home. Cliche I know.

Its funny. There have been some funny and interesting stories to tell since Ive started and I cant really share them as it might give it away. I have yet to tell my some members of my family as it feels somewhat surreal that Ive gone through it all and have come out doing well.

When the time is right it will happen I guess.

On the Soup front. I told D that I was falling in love with him. Yes I said it. In bed. Post coital high and all. AND? you ask? Were still in the same place we were at before the post coital high. Only now? He knows where I stand.

Where exactly do I stand? Beats me. One one hnd heres D who Im wildy attracted to for some unconventional reasons. And theres me again who has The Soup to splash myself with. I want it all. I want the cake and I want to eat it.

Im still trying to find out how I can do it. In time.

Financially Im doing ok. Im doing more than ok now that Im making more money and Ill have to try to figure out what to do it some of it that Ill have lying around. It will be fun to see how good I am with managing it all. Which reminds me to do my taxes. Thats a must do. Must find someone who will do it lol and do it well.

Ive been really good with the treadmill still. Its also nice that Im not going out as much which helps me eat healthier and probably less than I should.

Some of the guys at work? Very sweet. Unless its a man thing to just say it for the sake of saying it... They think Im pretty.

One guy who reminds me of someone I cant pinpoint. T says Im a looker and that I should be careful at work because Ill be hit on a lot. Another charmer. But like a girl I totally ate it up. (blush) Im such a girl.

What can I say? Its nice to hear that kind of thing. THough I question their choice and even their sanity sometimes as I think Im not pretty. Just the run of the mill wallpaper variety.

SB came to town twice and I wasnt able to see him both times as I was still in training and I had big days the next day so I couldnt chance being distracted. I felt bad and I apologized and kind of felt sad that I couldnt meet with him. I mean he did fly out to see me. I didnt even meet him for a drink. Why?

Well Im easily swayed when it comes to not doing my work and I tend to procrastinate so I just didnt want to give myself the option of being swayed. When the timing is right Ill sway away.

B called me to tell me he was thinking of me and apologized for not keeping in touch more. He wants to come down and spend some time together so Ill have to figure out something. I think its going to be a juggle as everyone wants to come down the same week and well... thats not your problem. Ill figure it out somehow.

Oh and its Ds birthday April 11th. I dont know what to get him. Any ideas? Im aiming for something that he can experience, enjoy and remember. Something that will remind him of me and is functional. Something that shows that ...

Im not sure if that came out right. Reading it over makes me shake my head and giggle. So ideas would be much appreciatd please and thank you.

As a man. What would make you happy on your birthday. Sex, lingerie, candles, dinner and drinks are already on the menu.

I told you I was really bad at gifting.

Oh and I think.. the most exciting part of this post? lol well one of them anyway? I might be getting the internet at my place sometime soon.

oooohhh... ahhhhh I know. Fascinating :)