351 - believe

I often wonder why it is I don't believe people when they say certain things. Mostly things that are complimentary to me. Sometimes its unexpected. Sometimes its appreciated. But most of the time I find myself not believing.

Why is this? I have no clue. I wonder if everyone no matter how attractive look at themselves in the mirror. Do you ever find yourself walking down a busy street and someone catches your eye? Someone striking? Exotic? Beautiful? I'm sure you have. I have. Do you find you want to keep looking? So you keep them locked in your sight until they are out of sight or until your attention is needed elsewhere?

Then there are times when your eye is caught by the opposite. Someone who you wouldn't find attractive, someone that wouldn't ordinarily be your 'type'. Your gaze shifts quickly hopefully towards someone or something more visually pleasing.

I wonder why it is I don't find myself attractive sometimes. I don't see what they see. All I see is... me with all its imperfections. I wonder, 'how can you say things like that when there are so many other more attractive people all around us' Then I think 'is this one of those times?'

One of those times where its nicer and kinder to say something nice instead of not saying anything at all. Though on the flip side if someone didn't say anything at all I would also worry. So there is no solution to this... I think.

When someone Ive just met tells me I'm beautiful I sometimes want to ask them to go into more detail. Not to be vain and listen to things like that but to understand what it is that he thinks is beautiful. Is it this one thing that I do or is it a combination of things. Is it different for everyone or is it the same for everyone. Im not sure but Id like to find out.

I mainly want to know so I can see and understand. In my self depreciating way. I want to think I'm beautiful too.

350 - truth

Ive got lots of questions in my head and its coming out whenever. All directed at D and all wanting an answer. Some answers I don't want to hear others I need to hear. I know that I should not ask a question unless I am prepared to hear the answer

The question I direct at myself is 'what's the point?'

Were not involved in each others lives. We have each other in common. That and work. Other than that? little things. To me those little things are great. Sex, laughter and one of the important things that I like is the looking forward to each other and missing each other. Which I should be happy about. What is it with me? More importantly. Whats wrong with women? We should be happy with we have, why do we always want more.

Because what we do have is great and theres always the possibility of more... greatness. So sometimes when we want to talk about... possibilities. Its only because we want more of what we have. You.

It might seem scary, it might seem shocking, it might seem out of the blue and crazy. But were (and by we I mean me) were not there to screw up your life. We try to make things better. More fabulous than it is. Not just for us personally but for you as well. Because in making things better it not only affects one but all.

So I think some more and therein lies the conflict. Intentions are misunderstood. We ask questions for one reason which may not be clear. Theres an annoyance, a frustration on your part. The thing that we both want is the conversation to be over so if you would just indulge us and answer the questions honestly, that would be great.

Question for the fellas :)

Do you find yourself telling the opposite sex what they want to hear instead of the truth because its nicer.. kinder and less hurtful?

For me, its better to be honest even if its not what I want to hear. Of course sometimes it wont be what I want to hear but it will be the truth and that is better than being nice and not wanting to hurt me.

I know its against all normal thinking and behavior.. But I can handle the truth. Maybe not right away but I will.

My Inbox

The rain has stopped for the moment barely gone and remembered in the quiet
Still off in the glimmering of leaves and grass hungry no more in . . .
In the haze of barely passed falling lightning flashes and thunder echoes
Across the Earth our mother in a cadence of two spirits dancing playfully
Beneath the roof of the world they sing and laugh

The grass is vibrant with luscious colours of many unfolded green
Like the deep emerald of satiated leaves swaying slowly, so slowly above us two
Their thirst slaked for the moment gone and passed before
When the rains fell all around we the two amid the grasses shadowing the lake
Where we lay side by side in the fields of yesteryear come to pass once more

Our bodies steaming, legs entwined, my knee between your thighs
Sliding with languid movements inside your flushed legs and warmth between
Like my lips lightly brushing your neck under the dew wet lingering of the rain
And these fingers across your breasts, ribs and belly, lightly scratching
Tracing the curve of your skin down to the downy hair whispering above your heat

Inside the raining tears of the father sky washing his wife the mother of everything
With his love, his long born tenderness all over once more and again
From and of yesteryears come this way many time before to fall again once anew
When where upon a falling petal in bloom he did kiss her twice . . . to waiting
As bathed they two together in the infinite seas pooled and full

I remember a moment before your sigh across my ear like a single sheening wave
Rippling over the waters of the morning glimmering still of dawn barely glimpsed
Through my body beneath your hands that stroked softly, slowly, patiently
And I shudder once more under your fingertips whispering over the head of . . my
I ache to feel you again all over once more flickering to illicit a groaning twitch

Like you do, did, will do again between my lips when I pull once more
Again, your nipple into my mouth to hum and flicker my tongue
Swiftly, lightly, tenderly with hunger over the tip of your firm nipple
Sending shivers in goose bump waves down your spine
Through the back of your legs and through your arching soles and toes

A tear fell from the skies then to slowly begin
The warm cascade over the thirsting earth one drop,
Lingering for an eternity between then and now that first tear to strike my neck
And with that kiss bring forth a single gasp, one quivering shudder
An echo of your body when that tear of heaven did fall from me to you

Ran to trace a cooling trail over my jaw down to my chin and then . . .
To fall in silence again it murmured down to your body still
Still cool, still remembering the warmth it remembers from me . . .
I remember your eyes fluttering under the waves of that
First tear to serenade the rain down, down all around we the two
Standing before your door I smile in the moment passed once more again
Of your toes curling and heels pressing tightly, wantonly against my ass
As your hips spasm bene[auto-filtered]y fingers inside you moving back and forth
Two sliding deep, deeper and out once more when my thumb caressed
Under the folds and hood as two fingers undulated across your lips

My breath hot over the silky smooth skin of your neck my teeth biting
Tenderly, softly, pulling and licking tongue flickering across your flesh
To your jaw and across until at last I came to your lips when last my eyes met yours
Hold you in my eyes like your voice with each groan, quickened short breath
From my fingers fucking your wet tenderness, hard and fast, deeply to the knuckles

I suck your breath into my mouth, my lungs under the rain pelting our naked skin
To steam and in that last lingering moment I raise myself up
To rub the head of my hardness across your lips, through your soft hair
Down again across your heated skin, to revel in your hunger and moist passion
Before in one instant pushing inside you hard, smoothly, deeply to groan, gasp

My fingers push down now over your softly slick downy hair
Rubbing in circles your clit with much vigour in the dance of our bodies
Of my flesh gliding back and forth inside your warmth, your heat engulfing me
Hot, hard, ready beneath your clenching, gripping pussy and feet enfolding my waist
And your open mouthed short gasping moans inside the rains pelting out bodies

So it comes to pass in the mist of our passions I slow at long shuddering lasting still
Inside you, once I twitch, twice and still I bit your neck softly, to pull with my lips
As your flushed and trembling body shudders . . .
And it is here like this in the rain slowly falling all around we two
I leave you hungry, barely satiated for more, my body unspent, my body ready

In the mist . . . I leave you to follow

Under the tears of the sky’s fall
I leave you trembling . . steaming under the rains that fall
Naked . . . within the rains
Of summer come and past
One echoing breathing murmur of my heat inside you
Still . . . still . . .

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


* Something tells me he didnt come up with this on his own. But thats just me.

349 - some soup

AR and I have been seeing each other every other weekend. Usually for lunch and were together for a few hours at a time. There is always a giant pink elephant in the room with us wherever we go. For me the pink elephant is the kiss. Wanting to.

I'm not certain what it is for AR but I'm thinking its the same thing. If we weren't in public I think it would be easier to get the kiss out of the way. Though once the kiss is out of the way then it would just become something else.

There is a shyness around the both of us that makes making the first move a little difficult. Were in the same situation. Actually were not but we think alike and really were not in the same situation. AR is just that AR.

There is a side that's scared to be with me for fear of being lost in swept away with me. The other is looking forward to the experience.n How do I deal with that? Very carefully.

Do I think there is a future with AR? Trust me on this when I say that AR is happy being with AR. I wouldn't want to create waves. If only I could tell you about the other details. Maybe another time. Or maybe... you'll figure it out on your own which leaves me off the hook in telling you.

A little about AR. Younger than I am by a few years which I know is very unusual. Don't forget this is an unusual situation and there are things that you have yet to find out. But young AR is. Legal of course in case any of you were wondering.

I try to stay on the good side of the law. Try :)

Once after a desert I took AR to an adult store and we walked around pointing out things that we've used own or would like to try sometime. It was to say the least arousing. Still nothing happened after that.

I wont invite AR to my place. That would just seem... too soon. Id like to go to AR's place. There I can see much happening. But seeing as were both shy and there is a conflict of interest in AR's situation. It might not happen for a while.

SB or as some of you like to think of BS :) has made a few late night calls going down... memory lane. This of course is something I'm not 100% behind though I feel a little uncomfortable telling him that 'I'm really not in the mood for this'. So what happens? I entertain him. I make appropriate noises and try to stay in the realm of semi sleep so as to not be awake. If that makes sense. Kind of like when you know you've been dreaming and you open your eyes and try to get back to the dream somehow. Confusing... I know. He'll be in my area again in a couple of weeks and we shall see how that goes.

I bumped into S's coworker at a bar once night and didn't know they worked together until he mentioned where he worked. I asked him if he knew S and he said yes with a surprised look on his face. A few reasons why he looked surprised went through my head. They all made me smile. There was an awkward moment for me as I know S isn't in contact with me anymore. For a couple of reasons which makes me sad. He was a nice person and someone I had much I wanted to learn from.

I often wonder if he spoke to S about meeting me at some point. I wonder about his reaction and what he thought. I guess now Ill never know. But I can always imagine :)

I wish him well and that every so often should he think of me, smile.

M calls every now and then. Usually for the same reasons. To help in ... certain situations. I'm sure I've mentioned him before and the kind of phone calls he enjoys. The timing just isn't right for me when he does call. That could mean a number of things which I don't really think of too much as theres a very less than slim chance of there being anything that happens between us.

Which is why I let him indulge in his phone fetish for the moment.

I think I might have put A through the wood chipper already but it is worth mentioning that he is a persistent man. He calls leaves me messages and continues to do so without any reciprocation on my part. Ill eventually call him back and leave a message about a week later.

I know someone might think that I am playing games. I would like to clear it up that I do not play games unless they aware that I will be Jane waiting for Tarzan. Well you get the idea.

I think the reason its just not happening is because of a few reasons. Ill share some. First, our schedules never seem to work out. Second, theres no real solid 'want' on his side to set a time and day to meet for coffee, lunch or dinner. Something, anything. Though Ill admit if I were to say lets meet for sex he would have a plethora of times and dates and a basic you name it Ill be there attitude. Which leaves me unsatisfied somehow.

I want someone who wants to see me, be with me and hang out for whatever reason. This whole let us see what my schedule is like and Ill get back to you line doesn't work on me because that's the line I use. Which tells me that there really is no interest other than sex with him. He brings it up often enough.

I think it might be one of those situations where he wont get what he wants if he keeps doing what hes doing. Kind of like the more he wants it the less I want to give it to him.

P is anxious. Yes hes still around. I have to be careful. I know he is starting to have feelings and hes looking at 'the future'. I'm not there where he is. There wont be an 'us'. I wont lie and say that I don;t feel anything for him. He'll always be someone that's been on my side and have been essential in giving me advice concerning some things.

There was a time where I was falling for him to. Then I think it was too much for him and he lashed out and I couldn't go through that again with him, so I worked on not falling for him. It worked. There wont be a future but there will be a friendship. Yes I wonder sometimes but that wonder isn't pushing me towards that road.

Maybe in the new year Ill go and spend a week with him. Sounds strange doesn't it? I don't want him but Ill spend a week with him? You don't know all the details on this one either. Maybe one day.

There is a gentleman who lives in my building. I'm not sure if Ive mentioned him before. If I have I apologize. He parks his car next to mine in the garage and he is not my type for many reasons which I wont go into. But he seems to think that were meant to be friends.

Hes already told me about his marital status and how hes.. lonely. He would like to have a 'friend' and he thinks that I am perfect for the position. I imagine hes thought of many positions with the way he looks at me. Makes my skin crawl and not in a good way.

Sometimes I am not as smooth and coherent as I sometimes seem. When he asked me for my phone number so we can be each others friend and when he asked me out so he wouldn't be lonely. My response?

'oh, well... I don't think that's a good idea, plus you live in my building. That would just be complicated if things didn't work and I don't want anything complicated. Thank you but no thank you'

As I was saying that and more. I wanted a hole to open up on the floor and swallow him up. He always asks for my number and I always decline. its a bit disturbing that he will say things like. I always see you and you always look really good. You are always alone when I see you.

I try to avoid him.

One night I was wearing something a little revealing and he came into the garage as I was walking out of it. He looked me up and down in a not so gentlemanly way and asked me to wait for him so we could walk in together. I should have told him that I was cold and I had to gt in and quicken my pace to get away. I didn't. I waited. Stupidly. I'm too nice sometimes. Must work on that.

Of course again he tried to get something going. At least I'm consistent with that. I am not interested. Wont be ever. Just not my type. Obviously.

There should be new additions to The Soup. Its in the works :)

348 - The Return of Darling

So I gather its been noticed that I haven't been here in a while. I wasn't sure that I would be able to stop time. I did try. Did not work. Obviously.

So whats new and exciting and whats been happening? Much to be discussed almost so much that Ive been unable to keep it all straight and blog about it.

Work is going well. Getting used to it more and more. People wonder why I don't love it. It just takes me longer I guess. I do like it. Sometimes I wonder if its really work that I am doing because its an easy job. Lots of responsibility but easy. Simple even.

Ive picked up extra hours here and there. So that's always a good thing to see on my pay stubs. I'm thinking of getting another part time jobs. Something that I can work in between. We shall see.

Ive gone to a driving range and I find that I enjoy it. Theres something about being able to hit a small ball as hard as you can and find it goes where you want it to... generally want it to. A couple of slices, a hook but mostly it went straight.. within a span of 15 degrees or course. I thought it went well.

I'm planning on taking a couple of golf lessons in the next few weeks to see if its something that I would really enjoy. I know I like driving ranges. I can see how it can be therapeutic. Putting all your anger into a swing to hit a little ball which you've turned into the object of your frustration. Relief!

D and I will go together after my lessons. That should be fun. Adding competition. It would be neat to see how things go.

A guy from work has mentioned me not fitting the mold of the marrying type. Hes heard from other people that people with my background are the marrying kind, the kind who is nurturing, giving and all the good things... apparently he says I don't fit that mold.

I don't fit that mold because I'm not really to be put into that mold. I didn't say that. I just laughed and said theres always an exception. Which made me think. Am I the exception? It also made me think. He thought of me as someone he could marry? Or was it just me marrying anyone that wouldn't work?

Ill delude myself her and go with him thinking of me as his bride. He is cute. Hes told me a few times that I am confusing as far as signals goes. I'm not quite sure what that means as I don't recall giving any signals.

Are there times when some of the things we women do be thought of as signals? Men- Reply needed. That might need more detail and clarification. Let me know.

My sister got her job back. Shes moved out on her own and is living downtown with her dog. Shes single again and looking to me for single life advice. I tell her things that Ive done and the reasons behind them. Thought processes and all. I tell her that I probably give really screwed up advice because of the things that I have done and gone through and that she should do what feels right for her and if theres something that Ive told her that she likes then to go with it and make it her own somehow.

We don't see each other as often. Once a week. Sometimes two. I want her to be on her own and make new friends which shes doing. Did I mention shes gorgeous? I get jealous every so often. But I cant hate her for it she is my sister. I'm glad I have a hot sister. I wouldn't want any other.

Ive broken down and set up the AC. Its been really hot here the passed few days. Before 7 am this morning. It was 24 degrees Celsius. Hot. I don't know what kind and how to apply makeup for this heat. So I didn't wear any. Good for the skin to breathe. Not that I wear a lot of it. It takes me less than 10 minutes to apply what I do wear. Much less if I know I need to get it done quickly.

My car still needs a few things which Ive yet to have looked at. Gas was at $1.34 today. Boo! This makes me wonder if I should invest in oil. I wonder...

Update on The Soup on another post.

Ive lost 11 lbs in 6 months. I'm due for blood tests whenever I remember to fast for 12 hours. I'm nervous they will find something which is why I think I haven't fasted. I mean there shouldnt be anything. I asked to be tested for a whole lot of things just to see.

Ive missed blogging and reading your blogs. I'm sorry I need lessons in being better.

Hope things have been going well and glad that you haven't thrown in the towel on me.

Dream, Fantasy, Truth or Fiction

'I'm sorry for having to cut the evening short. These things cant be helped'

'Well, why dont you come up for some wine and we can spend some time together and then you can go?'

'You don't understand, I don't think I have that kind of time. I know if I go up with you I wont leave until tomorrow comes... but I have an idea.'

I lean in and whisper something into his ear, as I pull away I see his eyebrows raise with anticipation. My purse in my hand I head upstairs. I know hes rushing.

I open the door as I see him reach the top of the stairs and let him follow me inside. As soon as hes inside, he locks the door and kisses me. He pushes me against the wall and presses up against me. Rubbing himself back and forth. He moans. I can feel him hard already.

He takes my clothes off, then his and wonders at my body. His hands roaming over every part of me. His hands hot against me. The trail of his hands wonderful against me. The contrast of his hand against my tanned body erotic.

There are mirrors everywhere. All around us. Adds to the eroticism. He lifts me up, sets me down and spreads my legs open. Theres a moment of cold at my back but it quickly warms with the heat of my body. He flicks his tongue against me and teases. His fingers adding to the tease.

I slip off back to my feet and turn around. Facing one of the mirrors. I lean back into him and his arms wrap around me. His arms crossed in front of me, a breast in each hand. Caressing. I hear him moan again as he kisses my neck.

I brace myself and lean forward a little bit as he slips himself inside me. I look to my right, another mirror. This time I see us in a different angle. Sexy. Hot. Erotic. Like watching an adult film and I'm starring in it.

I watch my body move. I get a little more turned on. I look at my breasts, my nipples hard. Tanned. Sexy. I see them sway with every thrust he makes. My gaze lowers and I see his hand in between my legs. I'm on my toes for a better angle.

I can see where our bodies join and that takes me over where he follows. Our bodies continue to rock back and forth together, enjoying the high of what just happened.

Clothes are slipped back on. We smile as we walk down the stairs and out the door where we get curious glances from the hostess.