165 - one after another

What a night. A bit all over the place.

So plans with the girls fell through which was fine as I was able to make alternate plans. With C. I rushed around for a bit making sure that I had everything taken cared of at home so I dont worry about anything while I am out.

I find myself waiting at the designated meeting area thinking about why I am there meeting C. Nice guy, funny, interesting. All good things but thats how it all starts. With your best foot forward. No one starts off with their bad habits. So I continue to wait.

And wait. I read a little bit as Ive got a book under my seat from a while back. Someone had lent it to me a while back. No wonder it was under the seat, it did nothing for me. So I put it down and let my mind wander.

I thought of the past week or so and how busy I have been. How much fun its been and I thought of the recent people that Ive met. Good and bad. The bad just strengthens my resolve to be better and do more good. The good just makes me want to not be. Twisted? Very.

Im not dating anyone. I dont know that I can. I dont know that anyone wants to date me firstly. Secondly what the hell do I do in a monogamous relationship? Ill be honest and say I havent got the best track record for relationships and some people would probably recommend that I not be a part of that group of stable duo. Others think I would be fantastic in the right one.

What do I think? Ive got one foot planted firmly in case I need to run. Its a funny thing sometimes. Wanting something that I have never had. Not really knowing what it is, in its simple/complex idea. How do you have a goal when you dont even know what that goal is. A man? No, thats not a goal. A relationship... with a man.

Ill make a list for later as I think it deserves its own post.

So after thinking of a lot of things and wondering what my social life has in common with the transit system. If you miss this one, theres always another one on its way.

I look at my radio clock in my car and decide to give him 5 more minutes. As my mind continues to contemplate my life. My cell phone rings. I dont recognize the number but I have a feeling its C. on a different line.

Hes calling to apologize and cancel due to something that doesnt involve me. I am surprisingly not pissed off. Disappointed, which is much worse than being pissed off. So I drive off patiently scrolling down my list of numbers until I hit 1 (ill give him a proper letter later). Call, leave a message and drive home. I contemplate retail therapy but decide against it. I drive by tempting restaurants and continue past them.

Pulling into the garage, I try 1 again. He answers and asks if I can call him back in about 20 minutes. Hes driving home and will be more comfortable and settled. Check time and count the minutes.

In the meantime I walk and feed the dogs. Look at the time and think that I am sufficiently late in calling back. I pick up my phone and it rings in my hands. I pick up and say hello. Its S who has recently moved back to Ottawa from Toronto. Hes been busy and havent been able to call me for a while. I wrote this one off a while back and dont find myself leaning either way with him. We talk for a while. Catch up and my mind drifts from 1. S mentions he is hungry and I tell him that I have spaghetti for dinner. He mentions that he would love some and somehow swingles me over to his place with a large bowl of spaghetti.

On my way I give 1 a call to try to set something up. Or just talk. He has a nice voice. Im a sucker for men with nice voices. did I mention that before? We all have our weaknesses. I wont share all of mine at one time...

We make small talk while Im at his place and we eat and talk. We watch some television. Some poker tournament and I impress him with my ability to count cards. I dont really count cards. Its just a game of probablility and statistics as far as what is coming up on the river. Anyway. Hes impressed and I laugh silently at what impresses people.

After they announce the winner I take my leave. No hanky panky. A double kiss, a walk to the elevator with clean corningware and I find myself on the road again knowing that Ive just left a man that wants to see me again. The problem is. Im not sure I want to see him. We shall see. sometimes these things take time.

I call 1 and leave an apologetic mssg, leaving my # for him to call me back when hes able and I mention jokingly that no its not the stalker girl thats desperate for him.

I get home and feeling restless and knowing that if I go out again I wont be home until late. I unzip my boots and get undressed, I take it all off in the living room as I watch my reflection from the window. I imagine other ways to end the evening which makes me smile. I love living on my own. I gather my clothes and place them on the foot of my bed.

After washing my face and brushing my teeth I slip under the covers and my phone rings. T, Softspoken and interesting. We talk for about an hour. He works strange hours, 12 hour shifts but gets 3 days off in a row sometimes. Nice guy so far. Another we shall see.

He thinks that Im funny and witty. I made him laugh and made him blush a few times. We seem to get along. Which makes me think. I get along with everyone. How do I know if its just getting along with someone like I always do or if its anything more?

Something I was supposed to do today.. oh... 1!