167 - body and mind

Last night went well. Though I'm kicking myself in the pants but in a very oh so gentle way that just reminds me hold the leash on my libido tighter... much much tighter.

He calls as I am walking to my car to go home. I asked him where he wanted to meet and he cautiously mentions that he could pick me up. This is sounding more and more like a date, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I freak out for a few minutes thinking 'this is sounding more and more like a date... if its not a date what is it? I do kind of like him in the I'm interested in getting to know you.' But I refuse to call it a date... even if he is coming to pick me up... and were going out together for dinner.

Its strange as I don't have the control anymore. When I drive to meet someone somewhere I can decide when to get there and when to leave. Not having to worry about what will happen after. This is dangerous as I am interested in this guy and the fact that I know he'll be in my apt takes the control away from me and now I have to ... wing it.

So, I am not a mad dater. Actually it comes and goes. Really. He called me while I was in the shower, while I had shampoo in my eyes. He asked what I was doing and I told him. He said that wasn't fair. I laughed and told him not to rush as he might catch me in the nude.

He comes up and we chat for a few moments while my dog holds him away with her playful demeanor. I pull on my leather jacket and walk towards the door and he pulls me in a hug and we lock lips. I am so not in control of this situation. I want to but I don't want to. I want to but I don't want to. I am repeating myself here I know.

I think I don't want to because I want to. Plus this one seems different somehow. You know. He took my hand while we were waiting for the elevator? So he picks me up, holds my hand... but doesn't open the car door for me. Hmmmft! Oh well I can open car doors just as good as the next person.

Dinner was steak, med rare with a red wine sauce. No desert as I was worried about eating meat after not having done so in a while. No, I'm not a vegetarian. I just haven't had red meat in a while.

So after dinner, after covering many topics of interest, after listening to a live entertainment from a pianist. We head out and pass by the casino and I casually mention that I don't fully understand roulette. I mean I get the gist of it but not the whole thing. He quickly turns the car around when its safe to do so and were off to spend some money and hopefully make some as well.

I learned and enjoyed myself. My chip color? Girlishly pink. So apropos. The men laughed when I shared my delight in getting pink for my chips. So I give myself away as someone who has no idea how it all works. Endearing, I am sure.

So we play for a good part of an hour and I don't end up winning anything. He however makes most of what he started with. It ended well and we headed out.

Enter the feeling of dread. Do I? I want to. But I don't want to make it seem too easy. Honestly this libido is a curse. Someone available? Willing, interested. (I'm hopeless) So as hes driving up to my place. I turn to him and tell him if he should so decide to come up he may leave more frustrated than he already is. That's my way of telling him hes not getting the coochie.

He looks at me and leans in and kisses me. Nice. No stomach... Do not start to flutter in anticipation!!! Too late. Pull away and start to reach for the door handle. He puts his hand on my thigh and tells me he'll take his chances. Dear God Help.

Again, he reaches for my hand. I don't censor and actually say 'holding hands already?' He doesn't let go instead he caresses my hand. I have to unlock the door to the building so we separate. We enter the elevator and after the doors silently closes. He pulls me to him and slants his mouth over mine. My mind is screaming slow down and my body is holding itself in check. His hands on me, body flushed against mine. Hes ready. I can feel him and hes pushing himself against me.

The doors swing open and I pull myself away and walk into the hall. Inside I offer him a drink and we sit on the living room. I eye the opposite corner of the sofa and find myself seated right next to him. Traitor of a body doesn't listen to my mind! Who controls who!

Kisses and caresses... Mind and body battling and the night continues...

My phone rings not too long after he leaves and asks if I am OK. I tell him I am and that he is sweet to call. He says he'll call later in the evening and I say OK. I am asleep when he calls... or I tell myself, that's what I will tell him when I talk to him next.

There is no predicament and yet it feels like there is.