My Inbox

I havent opened my inbox for a while and this is the first on the list of many that Ive gotten. Interesting as always and very imaginative. You like? or...?

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As you mentioned you are an avid reader, I thought I'd share this little bit I wrote for your reading pleasure. I sure hope you enjoy...

Let me know if that sparks creative ideas..

P

"I'm lying there on your bed, just wearing a pair of jeans, looking at you. A feeling of shyness seems to take over you. You still can't believe you accepted to strip for me. Being there, alone, to be look at while you sensually take you're clothes off makes you nervous, self-conscious, yet it's exciting. You breasts now flow freely, the soft, chilly touch of air make your nipples perk out. It feels nice, even nicer as you see a big bump growing in my pants. The thought of that cock makes you feel warm.

You want to see it, to feel it, to lick it. To stroke every centimeter of it to prepare it for your own pleasure. The thought of being ravaged by a, no many men crosses you're mind. You see yourself in ecstasy as all sanctuaries of your body are being violated. ...Back to reality. You realize your eyes were close, you've gotten rid of that skirt, your hands now venturing between your legs as you dance. You're wearing those crotchless panties your husband offered you.

They make you feel, so naughty, slutty, you feel you could do anything with those on. You feel your self moist, hot and wet. You move toward, me. Undo my jeans that reveal that thick, stiff cock you desire so ardently. Like a lioness you prowl upon it. You start to lick it, suck on it. As you start, play with my balls, you feel my self having pleasure under the touch of your mouth.

The taste of my pleasure reaches your tongue. One of your hand vigorously stroke my cock as you suck it, the other, with just has much energy services you clit. It feels marvelous. You feel hot, you love to taste my seed, to give me pleasure solely with your mouth, you wish to have hot warm cum fill your mouth. To feel that explosion of my senses. Sweet cum you love to taste. Things won't happen as you planned them.

I that moment I reach you, grab your hips. Surprised, you land on top of me, positioned to be 69ed. You continue to lick my cock suck on my balls, knowing whats to cum. A big surge runs through you as my mouth touches your pussy. My tongue tickle your clit, licking your lips. Gently at first, but it gain in intensity. The feeling now keeps you from focusing on me. Blinded by your own fun. You now press your pussy against my face, rubbing you clit on my tongue spreading those sweet lips, exploring your depths. Then you swing over and land face down on the bed.

You feel me grabbing your hips, raising your our ass. My cock, presses against your pussy it feel big, but your so wet. In a single, strong, deep stroke, I fill you. The mix of pain from the sudden and brutal penetration and the relief to feel me scrambles your senses. Long, deep and powerful strokes makes you appreciate the full size of my cock.

It seem that every stroke reverberates throughout your entire body, as my hips hits your ass with a loud smacking noise. « Faster!» you beg for. Then it picks up. You can't do anything, you're immobile, subjected to a brutal fucking. Still you love it. The intensity, the power, make you feel vulnerable and safe. You feel your juices now flowing along your thighs. One of my hands gently strokes your butt hole, the intensity from the pounding in your pussy makes this feel strangely good. You feel your ass gaping, inviting myself . « You want to feel. Me in your ass? Then deserve it! ».

I lay on the bed, my stiff cock standing straight inviting you. You come over me and impale yourself on in with vigor. Grabbing my shoulder, you ride it like crazy. You feel your clit rubbing against me. It feels so good , you won't be able to hold it much longer. You slow down. Then I grab you ass firmly, raise it. You can't avoid cumming. I penetrate you with all my length, quickly, you lie on me, biting on my shoulder as you're being bounced up and down my cock. The intensity is too much....tremors take over you ....your legs shake, you moan loudly....You're flustered by heat and pleasure, your pussy gushes and you squeal from the pleasure. But oh no, we're not done.

Still impaled on me I bring you to the side of the bed, I hold you by your cheeks and I get up. Now you feel all your weight resting between your pussy and my dick. It feels so deep. So good. As you pass your arms around my shoulder and kiss me I move you up and down my cock.

The feeling is singular and soooo good. «Do you still want to feel a cock in your ass? » I asked. Barely moving you nod your head. Concentrated on that rod ravaging you inside. You then see your other lovers, who's been observing you all along, approach. Still standing, my hands spread your ass. You feel his cock press against your tight little ass. Your fluids, lubed it up already, it doesn't seem as tight as usual.

I release lightly my hold on you and your lover's cock slide into your tight little ass with ease. You're there, not touching the floor, impaled by two cocks. You feel them moving in you. It's so great. You're almost crying from the pleasure. Powerless, you keep getting pounded, you feel humiliated and excited. You tell us you want it harder.

We move toward the bed. I lay down. And we please and use you until you cant take it anymore. You feel so full, filled by cocks. Every time one of us touches you depths you vibrate with pleasure. You're like a rag doll, taking hits, liking it. A little whore pleasing two men . You can't feel you pleasure anymore, simply seeking ours. You feel our dicks engorged, swollen as they fill you with our sweet, sweet pleasure oozing down both your sanctuaries...sacred no more."

I hope you're smiling a bit by now...xoxo

371 - Sexapalooza 2009

I went this year again. I didnt it terribly fantastic. Just OK. Nothing stood out for me and maybe thats because Ive been there done that? or is it because the people that were there didnt make me want. Im going to slap myself for this but sex does sell. And Id buy something from someone attractive before I would someone I wasnt attracted to. Weird? Is that me?

Of course Id make sure it was a good deal. Being attractive should be something if I had a business I would look for in an employee. Now Im being bad here but when I think of someone wearing leather chaps. I imagine someone that I would be attracted to. Now everyone is attracted to someone different but I was disappointed that there were very very few people I was attracted to.

Why did I go this year? So I can fill my fantasy plate. Add more people to that lineup. Of people Ive seen, maybe talked to and maybe had the occasional bicep squeeze or hug. Add those moments to a fantasy while Im... well.... playing with myself.

So this years Sexapalooza was a flop. But Im sure many others disagree with me. Please dont hold my opinion against me. It is just after all an opinion. Take it or leave it.

Here is where you can see their website. TADA!! They havent really updated anything to make it eyecatching. Well maybe its not suppose to catch my eye but something lower on my body. But it didnt do that either. Oh well. Maybe another time.

So I people watched. So at night, in the morning or in the middle of the day Ive got enough characters to add to the fantasy in y mind.

370 - whats in my mind

I'm still in that place where its hard to walk around and feel normal. I wonder if people can tell theres something wrong with me. That in my mind I'm thinking of whether to go up to someone and ask them to follow me for a no strings attached sex. A stranger. Someone Ive never met and someone Ill hope to never see again after a much needed tryst.

Ive always thought about things like that but not with this intensity. This unidentifiable need to feel someone sliding in and out of me. To feel their hot breath against my neck. To make them kiss me deeply while my legs wrap around them pulling them in closer.

I wonder if its some fucked up way of me needing something that I'm not getting. Sex? Could be? Feeling? Might be. Love? What is that? Is it some way my way of being fulfilled in a way that I'm currently not and me finding it in the arms of someone that I don't have any serious, meaningful or strong relations with.

Or am I just living life and have my hormones fly off the handle because I'm at a certain point in my life where my body needs more sex? Where I should be settling down. Is that the place I am at? Is this all normal for women or men for that matter?

Or is this just the way that things go because its a numbers game and eventually Ill find someone that sticks. Someone that doesn't mind my idiosyncrasies my twisted neurosis. My ever changing double standards. Maybe they mind all the above. Maybe they mind but can live with it because I accept them for theirs. Might even love them because they have their own quirks.

The fucked up thing is. I keep going back to D. He accepts all the quirks that I have. All the mind numbingly silly questions I have. From the things Ive done in the past to some of the things that I'm curious about in the future. He takes it all and doesn't make me feel like a freak.

I guess though... the difference is... He doesn't have to care. He just have to sift through it all and make nice because... he doesn't have to go home to me every night. Its just a part of his day and at night he goes home to his son.

SE? The fastest rising new boy that I have? He might do some damage and actually do something with me. I'm hoping. Ive already broken down and had sex with him. My fault... though I blame it on him too.. but I'm equally to blame. Strange. I didn't have the talk with him that I usually do with most guys I sleep with.

So that puts me in an awkward position. Where to go from here. Its even more awkward that we work together. I know Ive been a huge advocate about not dating anyone I work with. But ... and I'm justifying here or making excuses... call it what you want. But I'm not dating him... were just having sex.

I know he wants more. Hes looking for that someone. That special someone. I am too... in an I'm going to deny it kind of way because I like being single as much as the next married person does.

What do I make of SE? I'm not sure yet. Maybe I shouldn't put any eggs in his basket and let fate do its thing. Its already a bit odd because of other things but I wont rush anything and soon I'm sure he and I will have a talk about details.

A calls me numerous times daily. Sometimes to the point of irritation. Sometimes if I let it go to voicemail. Ill listen to it sometime late and hear his rendition of Mr Wonders 'I just called...' song. As a friend he loves me. As a woman he wants to sleep with me. I know this.

SB calls me on and off to try to have phone sex and Ive never found a way to get out of it politely. In the middle of it you cant just say 'oh I have someone on the other line Ill have to let you go.' or 'you know this isn't really doing anything for me at the moment' The only way Ive found to get out of phone sex is to not let it start at all. Which can be a little tricky but with enough practice and promise of making it up at a later time... (when its to my benefit) Its not so bad.

I'm contemplating adding to the The Soup but because its difficult to keep in touch sometimes it will be at a snails pace. However if there is an addition worthy to share. Ill definitely share.

369 - scared

I'm in place where Ive turned off my phone, Taken the battery out, removed the chip and placed them all on my bedside table separately.

I don't to get a phone call from A. To talk about whatever we talk about. I don't want to deal with him. I don't want to have to tell him that I'm not interested in him that way. That I'm not the one hes looking for and that I'm not in the same place he is as far as where this relationship is going and whether at some point it will lead to the bedroom.

I don't want to deal with that and I don't want to be the one to say it to him and hurt his feelings. Its just something I don't want to do. If I'm honest I don't want to do that now, or ever.

At the same time I took the phone apart so I don't succumb to the insane feeling of wanting to have sex. I want to have sex so badly it hurts. I cried. I want to call someone...maybe someone in particular. It was someone in particular at the beginning but in the end my mind didn't or wasn't able to distinguish between who what where or when. Just wanted someone. A warm body beside me. A hot body sliding over me inside me and spilling all over me.

I cried because theres something wrong with that. I hold back tears now not wanting them to fall because theres a part of me that's ashamed of this. Of what happened to me earlier to what I went through. Alone. Always alone.

Ive felt that before. Ive written a post on something similar. But not. This time it was different. It was just a pure selfish need to find release with whoever. Someone, anyone.

Whats wrong with me. Nothing tragic has happened in my life. There are a lot of things happening that I cannot control but a lot of it I realize that I have no control over it...

I cant even control myself sometimes. This need, this want. How do I trust myself when I meet someone that it isn't just for the satisfaction of this thing that eats at me if its not fulfilled. A close friend of mine told me once to go to a meeting for people who are addicted to it. I don't think so.

It doesn't happen all the time but its hard to go through. More intense than how I describe my addiction to D. My drug of choice in this respect is D. But hes not here and he wont always be. So i revert to what? What I used to do. Scroll through the list and make a call.

I realize I don't date well because I'm removed from it. I treat it like I do this thing that I have. Not quite a wham bam thank you man but my more finessed way. Its awkward as hell for me but I get through it and end up confused.

Ive dated yes but there has always been a distance. Whether its described as miles or something emotional. Its from me and truth... I'm scared of ever letting anyone that close to ever make me feel hurt because if from what I call relationships if what hurt I felt there is anything compared to really really giving myself over to that person. That would not only break me but might possibly kill me.

So I sit and cry for someone to make it all stop. For someone to make it right. For someone to make ME feel all right. That what I'm feeling isn't wrong. To let me know that I'm not crazy. That Ill get through this and I can control it.

.... That its going to be all right.

Theres a part of me that hates needing someone telling me it will be all right. Why cant I just tell myself and believe it.

368- Phobia

Sometimes you realize just how lonely and sad you are when you look around and theres no one there. You'll never admit it to anyone that you are but you cant lie to yourself about that... not all the time anyway. No, you cant lie about that all the time to yourself.

You just know theres no one. Just you in this world. Where theres no one you can be sure that's even connected to you. Sometimes its that craving for a connection that makes it seem like I'm marooned on an island feeling how empty it is with just me on it.

Scary sometimes that you only have yourself to rely on. That you are the only one that's there and that no matter how hard you try... your imagination and what it makes of things are just. Images that are made up to make yourself feel better.

I want to make deep connections with people so anchor myself to them and them to me so that my life is in their hands and vice versa. Not just with one person but with many. Would that be fair? To have that kind of connection with more than one person? I'm not sure. But I want that.

Its a little odd not having it. Like theres a part of me that's just waiting for something to happen. On the edge of a knife. Waiting.

I think this is coming from the fact that I want to take care of someone the only way I know how. To serve. It makes me sound submissive and in ways I am and can be. On the other hand I'm dominant... in ways I am and can be. Maybe its that person or connection I'm looking for that allows me to be both or one or the other depending on the situation.

I always want people to be happy. The way I see it is.. if I meet someone that's.... ???!!!??? then why wouldn't I want to make that person happy. I change. Who doesn't though? Who doesn't change even a little bit for the other person. Its inevitable.

But in my mind I do it because I want that person happy. Theres no guarantee that person will return feelings, emotions or anything like that. It would be nice but there is no guarantee. Theres no way of knowing if that person will ever find someone else to love and care for other than you.

Theres a blind trust there that's needed. It terrifies me sometimes because I wouldn't know what to do if it happened to me. If I found someone that didn't .. want me.. anymore or didn't find me.. enough.

Knowing how I am when I get involved with someone I give myself wholly. I don't expect the other person to do it but I do want them to treat me ... gently. If that makes sense.

That's where my commitment phobia comes in. I don't know if I can quite call it a phobia but its something that I'm wary of.

Sometimes Im tough sometimes Im not. Im telling people what Im scared of and in some way its liberating. Just dont give the enemy the knowledge of that. They could really do some damage.

367 - lost and found

Where have I been? Here, there and nowhere. Time is lost to me and I miss a lot of things, simple things that used to make me happy. Now I steal bits and pieces of happiness where I can.
My life feels different. So much going on, so much I cant share even with you as its all too close to home and would surely give me away. That makes me sad. So Ill generalize as much as can with as much detail as I can.

The house looks good. I’ve unpacked most of my things but there are still some boxes that need to be unpacked. I tell myself there is no hurry and really there isn’t. I have lots of time to do that.
Part of me doesn’t want to complete the process of unpacking as it makes it official, that I am moved in and settled. Do I want to settle? Remember me? The girl scared of commitment and what do I do? Commit myself to a mortgage. That’s years of my life.

That, i’ve been able to deal with. I just tell myself that its rent. That its ok because I have to live somewhere and I would be paying rent somewhere. It just so happens to be a house now.
Its lonely sometimes. Somehow I feel it more at the new house. I’m not sure why or what brought on the more intense feeling of loneliness but its there like a big pink elephant in the room sometimes.

D and I are still doing what were doing. I’m like a junkie and he’s my drug. Addiction sometimes leads to death. I know that wont mean my life… but perhaps a part of me has to die to let that addiction go.

I’m scared of letting any part of me die, of losing myself, even if just a little bit to be able to move forward. Why does that scare me so much? Because then, I might truly be alone. Where I’ve cut off a part of me. That’s what it feels like. Like Ill be cutting off a part of myself.

Strange as I only feel that way when it comes to D. Anyone else that I might be seeing doesn’t affect me the same way. I do know that Ive put myself on a program. It might not be what most people would recommend but however many steps it takes, however slowly the process is, I will be free.

Im just scared of time not being kind to me. For if it takes a lot of time to become free then what will I be at that point? Not myself or just a lesser person. I know Im not getting younger or prettier. Ill never be as young and look as good as I do today. As I did yesterday. I remind myself that Im sacrificing myself taking it slow to be free.

There has to be a price right? Maybe that’s mine along with a piece of my heart and soul.
As for work? That will give me away if I share the details so Ill just say that financially I’m screwed. I used all my savings for the down payment on the house, the move, Christmas, mortgage payments and bills. Now the money coming in doesn’t even come close to what is going out.

Not because of my poor financial planning but because of what is happening at work. Because of what is happening or not happening at work I was depressed for a couple of weeks. Not social, not working out, not eating well. Just wanted to be left alone and didn’t feel motivated to do anything.

After Id wallowed in that for a couple of weeks I pulled myself out and just started to do things. I started to work out at home again which felt great. I had lost some weight in those two weeks and that urged me to commit to losing becoming more toned.

I would like to go on a vacation in three or four months and look even better than I do in a bikini. I’m eating healthier and I’m not going out as much so I can save money. I’m reading more to escape my reality. I’m not sure if that’s good or not but I’m back at the library and go through books like water.

Reading to distract me from what’s happening. To take me to people and places that aren’t connected to me.

The men in my life are still the same. Though SE confuses me as I cant read him or his intentions and that bothers me. He’s all about sex and I don’t want it to be all about that so I take it slow with him and he’s not happy about it.

I think SE will need more coddling than most. He seems more sensitive. He’s already shown he always feels like I’m blowing him off when I’m not able to go to his place because I have other things planned. It is not my fault. I just have plans a lot and sometimes it doesn’t involve him. I wont get into the me not wanting him involved part yet.

So its understandable and I’ve told him I never meant for him to feel like I was blowing him off. I have to mention that I think he’s better looking than I am. I cant explain it or maybe I don’t want to just yet. But he’s a pretty boy. He works out and has a yummy physique that I must admit caught my eye when I first met him at the start of 2008.

Theres a lot of things about him that turn me on and well… maybe Ill share that another time.
A has been promising to take me somewhere on a trip but that hasn’t come to fruition. Ive been hearing about that trip for almost five months. I haven’t had sex with him though I think he will be expecting that if it does materialize. I know that doesn’t make me look good. Ill have to have a talk with him to make sure that there are no expectations of that and other nefarious acts…

Its winter here and its cold. Part of why I feel lonely is because I want to share in someone’s warmth in bed or on the couch. The fireplace just reminds me that theres no one to make love to in front of it.

The Big Dog loves the new house, she specially loves the back yard. The long walks I take her on around the area. She loves that I’m home more than ever because of what’s happening at work.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and 2009 is good to you.

Ive missed ...being here.