356 - fairy tale

I've mentioned this before. The Fairy Tale. Finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, being happy and growing, loving and learning together.

Talking with D. Makes me sad thinking about it because it doesn't seem like people want that. Even though they get married. Make that commitment to each other. There comes a time when you find out that while they love each other. One will find themselves in a position where they find someone else to share a part of themselves. Whether mentally or sexually.

I say mentally because sometimes we talk to people about something that we should be talking to our partners about. I dont know. I mean Im not in a relationship so this could all be in my head. Probably.

But it makes me think that if I ever find that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Will that person want the same thing I do? Will he be faithful to me and not levae me for a younger better looking woman. Or will the temptation of something no strings attached me so great that he goes for it.

After all. If I don't ever find out will it hurt me? Would I want to know. Its different thinking about that question as a single girl. As I know my answer would be different compared to if I was in a relationship.

I know that... in some cases... ignorance is bliss.

Then I think is that just the chickens way of thinking? Of not dealing of sweeping things under the rug. Im not sure. Maybe.

If I turn it around would I want to tell someone I was with that I had a fling with someone else. Thats a while other post that Im not ready to deal with.

The point of the post? Im not encouraged. There are so many people who are in relationships that somehow manage to have secrets. Another man or another woman. A weekend tournament becomes home for hook ups and one nighters.

If this is what becomes of a relationship. Why do I want that? Why go into one knowing that its possible that this might become a reality. That I might have to deal with the pain and rejection and all that comes with it.

The other part of me, from a distant place inside me and in a faint voice barely heard answers. Why? Because the other possibilities are also available for you.

The verdict? Im not hopeful at the moment. This makes me feel like I will be single for a long long time. Not that theres anything wrong with it. I enjoy it and make it work for me.

The reason for this topic?

D and I had a conversation and it didnt bode well for the image I had of 'us' in the future. The image changed to us in a relationship and him having someone on the side.

Maybe what I cant deal with is that in that same image theres a qusstion mark above me showing the uncertainty of whether I would have someone else on the side as well.

That was the most disturbing part.

The reassuring part is that I dont want anyone else.

355 - common sense

Ds was gone for the weekend. A friend of his is getting married in September and they went to the US for the weekend.

His friends fiance called him on his cell and told him to make sure to show him a really really good time. She wants him to come back with a smile on his face.

I found that kind of odd as she doesn't really like D and thinks hes a really bad influence. Little does she know its the other friend that is the bad influence. Some people just want to believe what they want to. Im a victim to that as well so Im not only pointing fingers. I know enough to admit things like that.

So he was gone for the weekend. I felt like painting the town red. Doing something crazy. Doing something like hooking up with someone random. I wont. I'm too shy for that and I'm not the pick me up in a bar and take me home kind of girl.

Even after having too much to drink I still have some common sense. Enough to say no and get me home alone in my bed.

Though there are times where I wish that common sense would just go away. Just let it happen, see what happens if I didn't say no. Thats just a fleeting thought as I'm very happy to have common sense. There doesnt seem to be enough in some people, I wouldnt want to wish it away now.

But there is a small if strong presence inside me that wants and needs to be let out every so often. Its the naughty side. This side gets let out with a select group of people who I know will take care of me when I totally lose it.

So this whole thing with D? Just friends. I know Ive posted this topic to death but its still alive and active in my life so Ive got to let it out somehow.

I'm happy to report that I am getting better at this. At this friends with bennies situation. It dawned on me as I was at work one day a couple of weeks ago. That I don't have to see his bad habits. That I don't have to put up with dirty socks or dishes that he might leave around the place.

Whenever we do get together its fun. Its a good time and then we go our separate ways do our thing and get together once we've done all that and we can meet each other and have more fun.

Dream, Fantasy, Truth or Fiction

After sharing orgasms with someone. Lying next to each other in bed. Body trembling, temperature high, catching our breaths. I know I can have another. I want to have another orgasm. I can feel how easy it would be if only.. only this time theres something else

The other part that needs satisfaction. I need to be touched, stroked and held. It doesn't come. My body inches closer to him so our shoulders touch. Its not enough. I want more. I turn so I'm laying on my side facing him. He is lying on his back, his hand lays on his chest, palm down.

Dare I? My hand over his, my fingers slipping in between his fingers. Moving back and forth. I lift his hand to slip my other hand underneath and cross fingers with his. I feel nothing. I desperately want to feel something but I don't.

I feel embarrassed for taking such luxuries. Maybe I should have asked. Maybe I caught him off guard. But I know that I wont find what I'm looking for here.

There is no cuddling, there is no soft murmurs into my neck, no gentle kisses on my shoulder. No wiggling back into his warmth.

I tell myself that its OK. It makes me sad but maybe Ill be happy if we just lay in the same bed for a while. Soon even that is taken away as he gets up and gets dressed. It's done.

354 - workings of my mind

What do I truly deserve? That is a good question. I'm not sure if I can have anything but a biased answer. What do I want? I can answer that but would it be what I deserved? I know what I need and I also question if that's what I deserve. Other peoples idea of what I deserve is just that an opinion. Some good, some bad and some just plain unrealistic.

By denying myself something am I intentionally hurting my chances of getting what I deserve?

When it comes to D I'm lost with that question. I know I cant have him to myself. So I make the best of it? I'm not sure why I added that question mark by the way. I was going to delete it but I decided to leave it there and think about it another time.

Its overcast here. I'm sitting on my balcony with The Big Dog. Enjoying the weather. Somehow it feeds my emotions for the day. It feels like nothing is happening in the city. Like everyone is quiet and resting. Time to contemplate and blog :)

That's not the case of course. Theres so many things happening today. Business as usual, The Bluesfest is on. People are recovering from H.O.P.E beach volleyball and so on.

Back to my meanderings. I was seriously thinking of what and where this thing is going with D. I was scared that at some point I would look back and think that Ive wasted my time, that I stopped myself from meeting other people and going out with other people for him. Sometimes it happens. More often than not actually you know how that works. Whether its happened to you or someone you know. They meet someone, immersed themselves in the relationship and slowly distanced themselves from friends, family and other people to focus on their relationship and each other.

D and I agreed we didn't want it to ever come to that point. One day last week something in my mind turned, a light was turned on. One could look at it that way. Or you could also look at it this way, that another light has burnt out and I found another excuse.

The realization was that this might be as good as it gets with D. I say that and sometimes depending on my mood I'm sad. Other times it makes so much sense.

I look at it this way. Whenever D and I get together. Its always good times. Its going out for drinks after work. Having breakfast, lunch or dinner. Having great conversations. Enjoying each other mentally and sexually. Being honest with where we stand and try and help each other out when we are able to.

We spend a lot of time together talking, sharing and laughing. Its all good times. Even with the times where I have moments of confusion and want more than I can have. Its still good that were that open and can talk about it all and work things out if we can.

Its all good times. Rarely is there an argument. When one of us, mainly me has an issue to bring up, we talk about it. I let it out, share it, get it out of my head and system so it doesn't stew and get worse. We talk about it. He helps me understand, he explains and that reminds me that hes a great person and I want to stay friends and not ruin that.

I don't know what his bad habits are. What his little things he does that annoy me are unknown. I see him and spend time with him and its fun. Theres always things to talk about and always something to look forward to when we go our separate ways.

So I ask myself how can it get better than it is. How will us say.. living together make it better. When then Ill have to reveal maybe how anal I am about things. How I might find out how he puts in a new roll of toilet paper. How he might not pick up after himself.

Its as good as it gets I think. For now. Don't get me wrong. I'm a die hard fan of the fairy tale of holy matrimony and happily ever after. I just don't think it will happen soon. Now. Maybe ever. But there is still hope.

So in the meantime am I denying myself? Yes. Am I being denied something that I deserve? Maybe. Its all relative and all in ones perspective. But when it comes with an understanding and a little twist of way of thinking. I think that maybe one might think I am others might think I'm really smart for keeping things the way it is.

I know that I am seeing other people. So to me that can be seen as not closing the door on the possibility of what I deserve.

Welcome to the workings of my mind. However twisted or brilliant. Whichever way you want to look at it.

353 - denied

Went out for dinner with someone I work with. Last minute idea of mine. I didn't feel like dining alone and my sister had cancelled on me. One of my girlfriends doesn't know how to use her cell phone which shes had for about a year. So I decided to call C to celebrate his birthday. It was July 4th so I'm a bit late but that's OK. I was able to kill two birds with one stone tonight.

Not be alone for dinner and take him out for dinner. Though I think he thought it was a date. It was not a date. Not to me anyway.

I wore a nice dress a litter cleavage showing but I had my hair down to cover it up so it wasn't all out there on display.

He made a few comments about dating and giving it time before falling in love and fooling around when I straight out said that I didn't date anyone that I work with. I laughed and hope he knows I'm serious.

Apparently not as he asked me to come up to his place afterwards. I declined. I don't want to go there and blur the lines that Ive drawn for myself. Friends only C, friend only.

I went out with AR last night which was fun. Late night drinks at a pool hall but we didn't play pool. Just drank and talked and had a grand time. Its getting to the point where its time to decide which direction this is all going. to the direction of a bedroom or to the friendship circle.

Its a little more complicated than I'm sharing but I cant go into details at the moment that would just give it all away. So Ill leave it to you to mull over.

We've planned on going for lunch this Friday.

Oh and seeing as dinner tonight was last minute. D was taken by surprise. He had planned on meeting up with me after he was done work so we could grab a bite to eat but I didn't know that was what he had planned.

I spoke to him as I was waiting outside the restaurant while C talked to the owner who was also his friend.

Darling - Where are you?

D - Grabbing a bite to eat. I thought we were going to go out tonight.

Darling - Sorry about that I didn't know.

D - Did you now get my text messages about it?

Darling - The only one I got regarding food or eating was 'I'm hungry'

D - Yeah that its.

Darling - Just so you know I don't consider that asking to go out after work.

D - Well I wanted to go out with you tonight.

Darling - How was I to figure that out from that message? That wasn't asking me out.

In my head I wanted to be with him tonight. I like being with him. Its always a good time. In my head I was a little hurt that he didn't ask me. In my heart I knew that I was looking for something that I wouldn't find. With D.

So I'm going out. Making plans. Doing things. I don't always tell D ahead of time like dinner tonight. He only found out minutes before I went into the restaurant and I didn't pick up my phone when it vibrated in my purse.

D and I did have sex :) That was on the menu for lunch today. I wanted him to stay a little longer afterwards but it wasn't a good time so I felt a bit rejected even though he was very attentive to me pleasure wise.

I guess I want it all. Ive told him things that I needed and hes been very good at working on it but I'm just not sure Ill ever get what I want. I doubt it which brings me to this point.

How long am I willing to continue being denied what it is I want and am looking for.

352 - reading into

D - 2:06 where are you?

D - 2:06 where are you?

D - 2:07 where are you?

D - 2:08 I think Im heading home

D - 2:08 Tell me youre close

D - 2:09 K, goodnight... I guess

D - 2:09 Where are you?

D - 2:09 Last call

This was a night I had to work late and he finished earlier than I did. We had seen each other for breakfast and lunch. Spoke to each other on the phone in between and in between phone calls and meeting each other. Text messaging each other.

I was running late and couldnt hurry any more than I was and didnt actually get above messages until the next day due to my inbox being full. So with that information its no surprise that I didnt get to go out and have drinks with him.

Needless to say I was really bummed about not seeing him. I was in a mood to just see him. Be with him. Hang out. I think I was really looking forward to going out with anyone. Seeing as it was 2am Most of the people I knew were in bed or heading home.

D was up and well an opportunity unable to be taken by me. Thats all. But it was cute the way he sent those texts. I called him afterI was finished and he was just leaving the bar. He waited for me for an hour. I felt bad that he did but it made me feel nice to know that he would wait.

Its the little things that get to me. Its the little things that confuse me. Its the little things that make me twist myself in a knot. Well, that and all the rest really.

Other messages to and from each other... because I know you are all curious and want to know :)

Darling - It feels like I havent seen you in a while. Looking forward to it soon...

On a night I was out on a dinner date with someone other than D he pulled a little bit of a suck and I sent the following.

Darling - You know I would rather be out with you right? Youre my first choice even when I know Im not yours.

So sometimes theres something that D and I dont do a lot. Sometimes. When were in the midst of sex its very good its very ... orgasmic. Sometimes we dont do a whole lot of kissing. Im almost a little embarrassed to say that.

So I asked him about it and he sends me a text message.

D - I know why we dont kiss.

Darling - Do I want to know?

Darling - Im scared its me

And I was scared there was something that I did and continually do to make him not want to kiss me.

Darling - OK tell me already. Im on pins and needles. Its me isnt it?

Darling - Wait was that text even for me?

Maybe it was meant for someone else that he wasnt kissing? Maybe hes just not into kissing me or anyone else. I didnt want to focus on the fact that there could be others that hes with and not kissing though I take some solace in the fact that if there were others he isnt kissing them either. My mind is twisted. I hope you were able to follow the above.

Darling - Youre pulling my panties arent you?

All these texts while Im working and Im thinking about it and hoping its not me and that he tells me why it is we dont kiss as much as I would like.

D - You are always on top.

I call him for clarification and he thinks its because I seem to really enjoy being on top which means that Im sitting astride and well if I do lean down its usually to fill his mouth with my nipple, left or right. Not always in that order :)

So that gives me something to work on. I dont mind working on these things. Practice makes perfect no?

:)

Happy Canada Day!!!