116 - humble pie

My company Christmas party is this weekend. Im not sure what time it starts but I know where it is. Im not going with a date. Im going triple S style.

Single, Sexy and Spectacular!

Last year it was held in the same place. Theme for last year was... wait for it... wait for it.. Western. So people dressed up as cowboys and cowgirls. Some even dressed up as the Native Americans. Everyone who dressed up looked very good and the rest of us werent too badly wrapped up.

My contribution to the whole theme? Cowboy boots.

Ive had conversations with vaarious people in this organization about what ideas if any they have for themselves and other people. Ive told them what I will be taking inspriation from.

From the men that I have spoken to, they have unanimously suggested and would ultimately and intimately appreciate ... me wearing the only thing that I have decided on so far. Yes, the boots. I bet they would notice my footwear then! lol They were sure that the boots would cover all the neccessary bits and show everything off to my... or is it their advantage?

The boots are genuine leather, purchased in good ol' Texas! Granted they have some miles on them, I have taken great care of them and when you have a good thing you keep it looking good.
Thanks Dad.. may you never know what ideas people have had about your lovely gift of leather boots.

As for what I will eventually wear? Ill figure something out and let you all know how fabulous I look in another post LOL

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Oh the tsk tsk part of the party.. lol this is what I have heard... The gifts that they have for the hard working employees have been donated by our kind and generous suppliers. YAY for our many suppliers!! (thats not where the tsking is being directed at)

The tsking is being directed at the owner, who has planned on raffling (sic) tickets to win the gifts, for some reason they are always the same every year (mind you I dont mind but seeing as I have never been a happy winner of anything... I do mind) Large TVs, trips and season tickets for hockey etc...

I think it kind of takes away from the spirit of Christmas BUT it is for a good cause. They will be taking the proceeds and donating that to a Charity (which I approve of... not that my approval was taken into consideration)

HOWEVER! my real reason for large and audible TSK (which I hope he hears) is because ... After thinking about it a little bit. I realize that I should be ashamed of myself because some people dont get any kind of celebration for this Holiday (I know I used to be employed in such a place that didnt do anything for anyone)

This guy is nice enough to arrange a location and take care of things out of his pocket, for which he will use as a tax deduction, food and entertainment. (sigh) I am so ungrateful. For that, Im sure to buy extra tickets not only to have a better chance... but because it will help other people if I do.

Consider me having had some humble pie.

(turns to walk away while trying to kick myself in the behind)

I know ... it happens to everyone at some point.

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I realize how that kind of attitude is what takes away from the Chistmas Spirit... maybe Ill volunteer at the soup kitchen or the humane society for the holiday to get back into myself... Ill let you know.

115 - its the look

My shoes are so very inappropriate for the weather. They were calling for freezing rain and I have on my 3.5 inch black stilettos on. I continue to refuse or acknowledge that winter is coming. I still wear my skirts and if its really too cold then Ill don a pair of dress pants. On top I will have something appropriate and flirty.

They are calling for +14 degree celcius today! YAY!.. Im worried about whats coming my way now. uh oh!!

I think that I will soon have to store some shoes for the winter, place them in their respective boxes and bid them a sweet hibernation. Til we meet again...

Its not so bad I think. Some places arent as lucky as I am here, where its just cold and wet, other places have wetness which have morphed into something that will stay for the next few months. Snow. Theyve had it and had it in by the truckloads. Other places who have had those truckloads of snow ALSO get the dip in temperature. (brrrrrr is right!)

Sadly its coming my way and I know this. Sometimes I wonder if it has stayed away because there is something that I have to do outside. Bring something in, bag leaves, trim the bushes... something... anything? Is it that I should have my car looked at? Have someone take it for a test drive, make sure my brakes and tires are ready for the challenges of winter... maybe.

Its something though, to walk in these babies, no matter what the weather is like. I am tall (finally, all it took is footwear that look like towers lol) and I am proud and I am one damn fine sexy lady walking! (sometimes I get that feeling no matter what I am wearing) HA!

Theres the real reason. How can I feel sexier than that? Im sure Ill still feel sexy in my thigh Ahem.. knee high leather boots that have no difference in height. Well. Its the look.

Tell me, when you see someone walking in those shoes. Lets pick black stilettos and knee high leather boots both the same height. That woman dressed in the same attire. White fitted blouse and a black pencil skirt, hugging the hips and flares out gently by her knees.

Which look would you prefer? ... for that matter... do you even notice the shoes? I wonder

114 - reunion

I knew something was missing. My phone. I knew it was too quiet in the office. Aside from the regular phones, the hum of conversations from everyone in the office, the click click click of the keyboards in use. Something was missing and it was my phone... which usually rings. It rings countless of times throughout the day.

Most calls I answer. Most. (smile)

Theres one person... ok.. a man that I am a little hesitant to speak with as all he wants to talk about happens to be the subject he always talks about. Its become a little tiring. A little on the deja vu side of life. My life.

Does he call to wonder how I am? How my weekend fared? How the weather is? Negative. He wonders about the more scandalous areas of my life. Granted it is a lot of fun and at times and sometimes theres a whole lot of scandalous things happening.

Now now... its all in perspective :) Dont let your minds run away lol Not this time anyway (wink)

Ok so.. the phone... in one of my coworkers offices. I must have left it there when I went to stretch my legs. It was on vibrate and when I went by... again to stretch my legs. I caught sight of it, checked the screen and saw 3 missed calls.

So I have been reunited with the phone and all is well :)

113 - more

Ive had a great weekend away. Very relaxing and pleasant. Ive had a busy last couple of weeks and its good to have things slow down a little bit. Things are still a bit on the go and I ll have to get things back on track as things have gone off while I have been away and preoccupied with other things.

Not a big issue. I just hope that its all put in the proper tracks and that things are better than before. Its always nice to hope right?

Massages are wonderful. Having one arranged for me was a great surprise and even though I knew about it beforehand It was a great surprise nonetheless! Who complains when someones hands will be working out the aches and discomfort away, leaving skin so smooth, body sated and a want for more.

Love massages. I cant help but feel aroused when I am on the receiving end of one. My thoughts stumble on the more intimate areas of my body. My thoughts go to a place when hands touch me all over and progress into areas of sweet sweet pleasures... AHEM I apologize I seem to have gone away there for a moment. Forgive me.

Such a great weekend. I hope you all are able to get away and regroup.

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction

I drove to the hotel and met Nick at his door when I knocked and we hugged and kissed. I was nervous and I saw Helen, for a moment I was surprised to see her. I was hoping it would only be Nick. She was sitting on the couch and had a glass of white wine with her at the side table. I said hello and introduced myself and stuck my hand out, she reached for it and shook it and we smiled. I set my purse down on the side of the couch and unsure of what to do and having not been asked to sit, I sat. I was really nervous.

I sat and Nick asked me if I would like a glass of wine and he poured me a glass. I asked a few questions about their trip to get us talking and I asked about some things that happened during my last meeting with Nick. How their move was, how they liked the house and all those.

Soon there was quiet and I wasn't sure if Helen was comfortable. I wasn't sure if Nick would step up and be the bridge. So I just sat and watched them look at each other and try to communicate with eyebrows and questioning eyes. I thought to excuse myself and I stood and mentioned that I spilled some wine on my hands and I would return soon. I walked in the bathroom and made a show about washing my hands then taking my time with it and just giving them time to settle in and maybe even decide against the rest of the night.

After a couple of minutes I opened the door and walked out to Nick standing by the window and Helen still sitting. They both looked at me and smiled. I sat back down and then Nick walked to Helen and was stroking her arm and she patted the space in between us so he could sit there. It was a comfy squeeze.

We all were quiet for a moment and then they looked at each other and then they kissed and hugged almost in permission and acceptance. They continued to kiss and when they stopped he had one hand on one of her breasts and then looking at me leaned in to kiss me.

He had his arms crossed in front of him, a breast in each hand. One was hers, the other mine. I smiled and he took my hand and placed it over the bulge in his pants. I squeezed the bulge feeling it grow and felt her hand stroke mine and her hand went to touch my other breast. She tugged the neckline and before she pulled to cause any damage, I let go and leaned back to remove my sky blue halter top.

They both watched as I did and they both made movements to touch me as I leaned forward again. They each played with me, on one side, hands that knew what I liked, a strong touch with an occasional pinch and squeeze to my nipple. On the other a soft exploration, tentative rubbing soon growing curious and reaching my nipple, barely touching tham making my nipple harden. I hear her say 'they are firm'

She stands up suddenly and takes a sip of her wine. He stands and walks to her and they hug and kiss. I watch and see his arm reach for me to pull me up to them. I stand and step closer to them and he takes her shirt and pulls it over her head dropping it to the floor. We stand facing each other and our arms raise, each to touch one other. He stands watching us in awe. Rubbing our shoulders and back. So different, yet the same. Her nipples are small and pink. I look down the line of my body and see darker skin and brown nipples, hard nipples which she is rubbing in between her fingers. I palm her breast and squeeze. The texture is different than mine I step closer and we rub against each other gently. Our bodies moving against each other, feeling each others skin glide over each other.

I look at her and her mouth opens. She leans in and presses her mouth to mine and I open my lips slightly until I feel her tongue. She has soft lips, warm and gentle. She takes my tongue into her mouth and gently suckles. I let her. I let the gentleness sweep me away. She lets go and another mouth is on mine, his. Kissing me hard, Such a difference. I enjoy this one too. My tongue sweeps against his.

When we end the kiss I notice his pants are undone and around his ankles. Hes not wearing anything underneath and my hand gravitates to his erection. She is unbuttoning his shirt and I stroke him. She watches my hand and I continue to stroke. He surges in my hand, growing bigger and he hardens. One of her hands reaches under mine and cups him and rubs as I stroke. He watches us touch him and his hands again finds my nipples. I let go of him and she takes him into her hand and gets down on her knees in front of him. He reaches behind me and lowers the zipper on my skirt and they fall away revealing that I no longer have anything on.

She sees this and as she has him in her mouth, reaches an arm to me and rubs the smooth skin. Popping him out of her mouth she says 'shes so smooth, I like it bare' then she moves me to the bed and helps me lie back and she opens my legs and settles herself in between my legs and dives right in. Her mouth hot and her tongue wet, slipping and sliding all over me, then concentrating on the most sensitive part of me, she rubs her tongue in circles and I feel my hips move to where it feels the best, as she sucks my tiny button into her mouth pressing her lips over me, my legs shake and hands are holding them open. His.

He is leaning over us watching. A hot gleam in his eye, he looks at me and says 'this is hot'. She moves away from me and tells him to taste me and he does, he leans over my one leg and licks me deeply and then kisses her.

I watch and I am aching. I reach down and wrap my small fingers around him and stroke and squeeze. Her hands reach down to where mine are stroking him and she cups his balls, he leans back against the bed, his knees spread wide and his erection thrust upwards with my hand working him. Her hand fondles him and his eyes are half closed in pleasure and watches the attention we are giving him. I look at her and see shes watching me, leans in to me and we kiss and continue to touch him.

We separate and were all on the bed arms and legs around and on each other. She takes his hands and places them on my breasts and her hand goes in between my legs to play. As she makes my body tighten he makes other things tighten. When I wiggle free of both their attentions I lay her on her back and rub her legs and stomach as I look at her and press my face in to do some exploring. I am tentative and he helps me by playing with her nipples and kissing her. I push her legs wider and I am directed by her moans and movement.

I glance up and see that he is kneeling by her and is pulling in and out of her mouth while tugging on her pink nipples. I continue to lick and rub, slipping a finger inside her to add to her pleasure. He walks behind me and pushes himself inside deep, stretching me open and holding my hips tight. He walks me up so I am face to face with her breasts. I lick one as he pulls in and out of me. The speed varies and I lock my body tight and hear her voice urging him to continue, to go faster. He is moaning behind me and every so often I hear a slap and feel a sting of warmth on my ass. I let go of her nipple and press my face to her chest.

Our bodies all moving with each thrust inside me. I moan loudly and tell him 'im close' I tell him to continue and a shudder runs through my body and I hold on to him, my grip tightening around him. He moans and thrusts in shallow and fast. As my body continues to take his thrusts he erupts inside me and his hands run up and down my back. Her hands are also on me caressing me. They lay me on my side and move around to each other so that he can kiss my mouth and slip his tongue over my lips only to take them in his mouth to gently suck on them.

She moves around him and rubs his chest and legs. trailing her nails over his body and I lean down to her to rub my lips against hers. Our mouths open and we share a gentle kiss. She takes my tongue into her mouth and tugs on it, sucking it into her mouth while she teases my nipple with a finger. He has one of us on either side of him and he strokes our hair, shoulders arms and chest. We share his body and together we take turns taking him into.

After some time, she crawls her way up his body and sits on top of him. I move behind her and cup her breasts in my hands, kneeding them, rubbing my palms over her nipples to make them hard. She lowers herself onto him and I watch him as her body moves over him. My one hand moves in front of my body and reaches down to my center, finding my clit I rub and join in the moans. My arm is tugged gently and I am asked to move.

I am now facing her, and his tongue is flicking over me and making me rub myself over him up and down. She leans in and takes my nipple into her mouth and I quicken my hip movement and feel him thrusting faster. I feel her mouth tighten around me and the pressure of her mouth makes me more sensitive. My hand is around her breast, my thumb rubbing over her.

She leans up to sit up straight and I push her so she is leaning on her arm behind her. I can watch as she lowers herself onto him. I can see her take him in. I reach my hand to where they are joined and rub her clit. He moans under me as he feels her tighten due to my rubbing. I continue to rub her until her body bucks over him quickly and her body breaks out in goosebumps and she shudders around him. She pulls off of him and I lean down to take him in my mouth as he continues to lick me. After taking as much of him as I can into my mouth I pull him in and out slowly, teasing him. His hips lift of the bed into my mouth for a few quick thrusts and I start to go faster over him.

He pulls me aside and turns me around. I sit on top of him and we both look around and see we have an audience of one who says 'keep going I think Ill watch' I smile and continue. My ankles are by his shoulders and my arms behind me. Were joined together and I control the speed. He tightens for me and that movement makes me gasp. Makes me stop and tell him to ' do that again' He does and I am soon on the brink. I move my hips back and forth over him and his hand in between us rubbing my inner thighs running his fingers around me.

I take my pleasure from him that he is offering and move my hips faster and faster over him. his hands are pulling me into him so I can get more of him inside me and I feel how hard he is inside me and I want to cum so badly my arms start to shake and I am on my tip toes and my body gryating over him. Soon I fall and shatter over him as he continues to find his way. After feeling my orgasm he pushes me higher and higher over him, his thrusts are long and sure, with a few hard strokes hes pushed up into me and his body stills underneath me as he shudders inside me.

After some wine and sitting back against the pillows, my hips are pulled to the center of the bed and my head hangs off the side of the bed. My mouth is full of the length of him as he holds my legs apart while he watches her tongue go in and out of me. After I go over the edge once more. We settle in and relax against each other.

I wiggle my way back and feel him harden. his arms tighten around me pulling me close and I feel him nuzzling my shoulder to my neck sending shover down my spine and into my center. I move my hand to his hip and i squeeze his a little bit. My breathing becomes a bit labored and I can tell I am getting excited. He slips a hand in between my legs and I open them for him and he angles me just right so he can guide himself inside and we move our bodies aggressively against each other until he explodes inside me.

112 - whether you drink it or not...

Something that was waiting for me in my inbox... I enjoyed it and thought I would share. I hope it allows you all to enjoy your coffee :)

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress at work and in life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When they all had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems
and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups. And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this. Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."

funnies

LOL

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. Nescafe Rich Blend Coffee, 475g It said: "Good till the last drop! Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "Air Pacific"

Mom took out her latest Fiji Living magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for AP.

"Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted!

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Im back! THought Id share the above with you all. Hope you all had a chuckle lol. Im working on some posts and finishing up a DFTF entry like I promised.

Looking forward to catching up on blogs that I follow, and possibly peek at others.

Hope everything has been great with everything. Yes even you! :)

111 - busy busy little bee

Hi everyone,

Ive been kind of busy and swamped at work lately and I havent been able to properly blog like Id like to. The fact that my PC is still scattered around the house doesnt really help either. So finding time to write is an issue. Theres plenty in my head though dont you worry.

Some things just dying to get out somewhere, thoughts that need a home or something like it.

I think for the next couple of weeks Ill be a ghost here. Im working on a DFTF post and Im almost finished. Its... different. Im sure youll like it. So thats something to look forward to!!

In the mean time Ill give you a run down on what my schedules been like.

Mon 13th Work, then stay late and then off to bartend the Theory of a Deadman, Mobile and Three days grace Concert.

Tue 14th Work, then stay late and then pff to bartend what they call the 'Old Timers Hockey Game'

Wed 15th - Fri 17th Work, then run around and fly to Toronto for some fun and shopping until Friday evening. (thats run around doing errands not taking a running start to.. fly. In case some of you were wondering.. if you werent wondering that... Im sure you are now) lol

Sat 18th -Sun19th Off to a weekend of relaxing with a friend.

Mon 20th Work then TBD (Id like to have this night to regroup and catch up on sleep if needed)

Tue 21st - Taking the day off work with a Friend coming from out of town.

Wed 22nd Work then Girls Night!!

Thurs 23rd - Sun 26th Work then Off for the weekend of fun and Parties out of town!

I think Im going to need my vitamins!
Be good! and always remember to smile even when you may not think theres much to smile about.

I know Ill be in a blogging mood at some point so keep watch!

110 - updates

Books and reading.

I have no control... sometimes. LOL I went to the library that one time.. and took out 37 books... I finished about 10 then went to return them ... decided to go inside to take a quick look around ... and left with about 15 books... A few days leter needing to return more books I went in and dropped them off... I looked at the shelves quickly and went out with 9 more books.
I now have 3 bags of books to go through. I love it and I hate it. Love reading and enjoying them. Hate that I dont have control. *blush* Love the new authors that I have picked up. Hate that I feel like my time is taken up with the books. Love that my time is taken with with the books.
I really should post a bit about what I have read... but that takes away from reading time which I desperately need :) I cant win!!!

Health and Fitness

I havent been as disciplined as I was when I first started. I was a bit worried about that BUT Ive learned that as long as my will and want is strong then I am not lost in the fight for a healthy lifestyle. Even if I dont go as much as I used to. The will to workout is much stronger than ever in my life.

I eat healthy its still a work in progress but its working. I havent gained any weight that I have lost and I havent been craving things that I have removed or cut down on. Even if I dont see a change physically. I know that the changes mentally are worth it.

Oh yeah... Im eating healthy and I havent been as discplined like I mentioned, with going to the gym, I still lost some weight YAY! lol

Work and Entertainment

Work is work, fun some days, dull on others. Im always looking for a new job. Whether it be here in my hometown or elsewhere. If you know of anything fabulously lucrative and amazingly fun, please do let me know. Why am I looking? Why not? I think its the best time to look for a new job.. is when you have one. You never know.. maybe someone will see this post and think that I am perfect for something or another and whisk me away!!

Im looking forward to catching a movie in the movie theater. Maybe even making it a whole day affair. My sister and I used to do that. Spend the day watching movies in the theater. Catching up on all the latest movies. Good times.

Heres to another busy couple of weeks coming up....

109 I love you too

A memory...

I was sent a package in the mail and received it and just put it away. When going through some boxes, I found it within some clothes. I didnt open the package until 3 years later on the exact day he wrote the letter below. I was baffled at the coincidence. I cried for what it meant, for what I lost, for what I was given.

I cried for the memories that flooded me, for the possibilities and for a future that will never come to pass.

I think of him from time to time, and wonder and the things he is up to, the work hes done, the life he now leads. I wonder if hes happy. I hope he is. I wanted to so much for him. I still do.

I wonder if he thinks of me too...and I also wonder if he knows that I loved him too...

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04/30/02
Hello Darling,

I know I have not been the kind of boyfriend you deserve. Neither one of us deserves to be apart for as long as we have. These last few months have been very difficult on the both of us. But until recently, I had changed the way I love you or rather seen a different side of love that I have for you.

I made too big of an issue of the obstacles that kept us separated, and in my own frustration I directed that anger towards you. Our relationship seems to have trouble whenever I lacked confidence in either me or you. I have forced that issue on you and have made you feel as though you were to blame.

Even with the things you have told me recently, I have come to realize just how deeply I am in love with you. My love is UNCONDITIONAL. Love, forgiveness and God are one in the same. You are my Angel. I have failed to keep you happy and in so failed to keep myself happy. Life teaches me different things everyday. I'm sorry I learned it the hard way when you have said it to me all along.

I love you
DMR

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I still love him and always will. He was a large part of my life. He is no longer, but the lessons, memories and experiences are there. I am because of him.

The love is different. No longer encompassing and heart wrenching, but my heart remembers what it was like. I love him for the person he is and the things he stands for and the things he will do in his life. Hes a good person and who doesnt love the good?

PS. Wherever you are DMR... All the best :)

108B - Letter

I should probably give you some history on the Letter in the previous post. I just came across it after havent seen it for a while. It just made me think about the what ifs of life and the ins and outs of situations. How things happen fr a reason and sometimes those reasons arent apparent... yet.

It was just something I wanted to share. Im not quite sure why. But its there. Maybe just had to give it a place to rest.

It wasnt a bad relationship, just one of them that got away.

108 - Letter

Hi Darling,

I dont know what to say other than I love you and I cant lose you. Even though you are with someone else I still want to call you every day and talk all night like we used to do. I dont care how long it takes for us to be together again. I have realized how good of a girlfriend you have been to me and that you are worth evrey minute of my suffering. No matter how long it takes.

I dont know why God has chosen us to break up but he has also given me a love for you that will not stop. What do I do with this love? Will it fade away? We have had a 3 year relatioship that challenged the both of us everyday. We have been able to hold out for that long. How long can I hold out for. I know how much is in my heart and that will give us strength and hope for us.

Not until that love is gone will I give up. Persistence is my strongest trait. I dont know when to quit. Even when I have lost I still go on. I have seen this in me for as long as I can remember. I know if you look you haveseen it in me also, in many facets of my life. Mario could have not been more correct when he said that I am not a quitter. One day you and I will be together again and we will both have grown and our love together will be awesome.

I love you Darling like no one has before or will.
DMR

107 - This is me being mean

I never want to be like you. I knew even when I was younger that there was something about you that I didnt like. I used to tell myself that you were irreplaceable. I used to tell myself that there was no one else like you. My how my ideas have changed.

I also used to think that you were great, wonderful and wow! What happened to that person? Was it an illusion? Was it an act? I dont know. I clearly dont care... anymore. I cant ask to have that person back because its not my place to want that person back. Its yours. I thought at some point that I wanted to be like you. Ive come to the conclusion that I dont. Never, I never want to be like you. I dont want to be associated with you, seen with you or have anything to do with you.

I dont want to be anything like you. I dont want to be manipulative. I dont want to be selfish. I dont want to be rude, mean or unbearable. I dont want to be the cause of so many peoples discomfort. The reason people cease to talk when you come in the room. I dont want to be someone people cannot trust. Someone people cannot share things with. I dont want to be like you. I dont want to suck the enegry from the world or be the darkness that spreads its shade.

I want to be someone that people can trust, hug and laugh with. I want to be someone that people can come to when they need help. I want to be someone that will make people smile and make their sprits lift. Shine light when the darkness seem to cast its shade.

If I could I would erase you from this world and my life, not only mine but from all the ones who youve caused pain. I want there to be no memory of you on anyones mind. I dont want you to have ever exsisted.

106 - which is it?

Why is it at some point I think my life is so simple, so cut and dried, so very black and so very white. Everything has a place and everything makes sense.

Of course there are other times when Im stuck in a grey area where I cant decide what is happening in my life and things are just continuing on without me, scaring me, astonishing me and a whole plethora of other emotions that I am left to reel over.

Other times my life resembles something someone decided to toss together with what they left in their fridge. Chaos. Hopefully something good comes out of the mix. Always hoping for the best and hoping that nothing gets thrown out in the trash or worse, regurgitated.

Sometimes I think that my life is dull and boring. That isnt me. I think that I need to spice things up, that I need to do something, go somewhere and just do something so out of the blue and so off the course to remind myself that.. what? Im alive? What am I even trying to tell myself by doing the things I do.

I dont know.

Other times I think I cant possibly handle everything that is going on in my life. That I should just drop everything and pick things up when I feel like it. That doesnt sound very responsible does it? That isnt me either.

I need to be constantly on the go, on the move, always have to have something happening. AND in case that something happening of mine falls through I calways have something else to fall back on.

Always be prepared.

Sometimes I want to be surrounded by people. Any kind of people, interesting people where I can learn something, fun people where I can laugh, serious people where I can press my eyebrows together in concentration. Anyone.

Other times I like to be alone, to be on my own and relax the only way I know will make it oh so gooood :) To do whatever I want to. When I want to why? Just because I can. I like to be alone in public places, and alone when I am home. Sounds hermit-like? Maybe. But I understand the value of time by myself without having to think of other people. Putting myself first for a little while and indulging in pleasures that I selfishly 100% take for myself. LOL

When youre used to being surrounded by people you appreciate the time you have to yourself. It makes it more meaningful to be alone. The hard part is not to feel lonely. That feeling creeps up on you. Sometimes even in a crowd of thousands, or sitting on your kitchen table having a cup of tea.

It strikes without warning.

What is my life? dull and boring? or fun and exciting. Im thinking both. If I run away from one. The other just calls to me. If I forget about one the other finds ways to break free and encase me in its arms.

Ive got to embrace it all. I have to organize my time properly so that I have the proper balance of it all. Maybe then I will placate myself. Maybe.

Welcome to my self talk....its all in perspective darling. Keep it together. You have a plan. Follow through. Youre strong, tough and full of life. Keep it going... what do you have to lose?!

105 - damage

I was walking through the crowded mall. I walk with my back straight and just for the fun of it walk as if I were a runway model. All long legs and head held high, making eye contact with this person then that person. Sexy eye catching strides, subtle sway of my hips and a flirty knowing smile on my lips. It was very fun and very sexy.

I didn't have an idea of what I felt like looking for so I thought I would just go to the stores that I enjoyed. So I tried on some dresses, tried on some pants, took some skirts in the change room with me. Tried on some unmentionables and long winter coats.

I don't know how many times I shimmied out of my clothes and got semi nude by myself. Of course the first couple of minutes spent semi nude was looking at myself in this angle and different poses. All fun. I tried on things that looked great, some that didn't look so great. Im sure I would have had more fun shimmying for someone in those spacious rooms I was in all by my lonesome.

In another crowded hall. I almost bumped into a pretty little girl about 6-7 years old. She had beautiful curly hair up in a pony tail that had some strands loose framing her face. She was lost and walking around in circles. Just looking for a familiar face. Not knowing anyone around her feeling all alone, scared and frightened. I stook aside for a minute wanting to ake sure if I had to go up to her I wouldnt scare her. I saw tears in her eyes and her chin start to tremble. My heart went out to this little girl who already has felt something that she will at one point or another feel again.

Lost, afraid, frightened and alone. funny, I could relate to her. Though I have never been lost in the same way. Just those feelings that she had gone through... Sometimes I have felt lost and alone. Scared and frightened. For one reason or another. I cant say I wish I never felt those. For those moments are what makes us step up and show everyone what we are made of. Those moments make us reveal ourselves, our strength, our truth.

I started to walk to her and help her when she runs to a boy about 3 years older than she was and wrapped her arms around him and bawled. He smiled over her head and said. 'You're ok now'. She wouldn't let her go and I just stood and watched them through people walking by. I smiled and thought thats how its going to be little girl. Sometimes you'll feel lost and afraid. But there will be a time when someone wraps their arms around you and will tell you that it will be ok.

Feeling great after witnessing the family reunion. I walk down and pick up some frozen yogurt. A treat. Enjoy life and all that!

It was a great day, I got a lot of things done.

Tally for the day

Coles 1 item total $16.95
Smart Set 4 items total $91.20
La Vie En Rose 13 items total $257.64

Total damage $365.79 in less than 3 hours

It was a good day, it could have been much worse. I spied a pair of boots that was $195 and decided that I would wait until another day. A pant suit at $250 that I may check bck on and see if ever goes on sale. Im all for a good deal :)

104 - for now

So im having a mental crisis. Nothing I cant handle. These things happen. Maybe I can just sweep it under the rug to accompany the other issues ive left there to be taken out to solve at a later day.

No there arent that many issues under there. I try to handle everything when they come about. Though some things just get put on mute so there is no little voice that constantly reminds me of the things I am supposed to do. I dont think thats how things get handled :)

Ive been getting more hours at work which is good I guess, extra hours translates into extra money. Thats always good. It comes at a good time, I think. Holidays are coming. Presents for other people wont suddenly materialize in front of me.

However, it takes away from other things in my life that need attention. Men, friends, family and pets. OH cant forget the gym. Im sure I am forgetting a few things that also need attention but for now the above are what comes to mind.

Im filling in for one of the girls that work in a different department which means that instead of an 8 hour day. I will be working a 13 hour day. 4 of the 6 working days. Shes off for a week. I cant work 2 of the days she is off because on one of those evenings I am bartending. The other... well.. thats not exactly a day off for me. It will be a day of running around getting things done.

I miss going to the gym. I dont get down on myself too much, just enough to remind myself that its for now not forever. As long as my will stays strong I wont succumb to defeat. My dogs give me a bit of a hard time due to the decline in walks and long romps in the park. I know they still love me. Family seems to be ships passing in the night kind of relationship for now, but that will change I am sure. Friends, I have had to cancel dates and outings. Men, I have no time for (sigh) No thats a lie, theres always time for all of the above. Just have to sacrifice sleep and rest.

If I make time for all the above AND expect to be going on full throttle at work and throughout it all. Ill need to be on some serious energy bars LOL Nothing unnatural please. I dont know if my personality can withstand all of that and remain my true self. Im sure that at some point I will become fake and uncaring of things that dont warrant much energy to be expelled.

Its for now not forever. I have to keep reminding myself. Im a bit off on a few things but I know that I can always pick things up where I have left them while I concentrate on the things I have to take care of. Its the way of life. A lesson to be learned in organization, of time management and self discipline.

Ive been eating well even if I havent been diligent in visiting the gym. Its fun eating well and I will even admit that even the tease of what I been able to say no to is a bit fun. It solidifies the new and healthy lifestyle that I am incorporationg into my life. I dont want to say I cant go to the gym because I can do it. It just makes it for a longer day if I go to the gym for 5:30am to be at work for 7:30am til 4pm then rush to the next place to start at 4 or a bit after finally ending at 9pm.

Ive got to have time for a shower and me time. Dont I? Me time people might not care much for... but I am sure that they would all appreciate me taking a shower, I am not trying to say I smell :) I just want to feel fresh and rejuvinated. Plus it helps feeling clean, skin so soft, slipping something slinky to bed and feeling absolutely decadent. Helps in the sleep process. Im sure you know what I am talking about.

I feel like a vacation. A long one. A long relaxing one. A long relaxing, calming one. A long relaxing, calming and re-energizing one :) To be exact (sigh)

That or sleep. Where my mind can bring me, even temporarily to that place where my mind and body hovers in a state of bliss.