131 - rehearsal

Every experience takes you to the next one. It all happens to prepare you for certain things in your life that you need to be able to handle.

You learn the lessons youre meant to learn and use that knowledge in your future to continue the cycle of experience in life.

I wonder if you dont go through with something, if you eventually miss out on something big. If I decided not to go out tonight would I miss meeting someone thats meant to be in my life? Would my life be altered in a way that can never give birth to a life that I could have had? Would I never be able to go through certain experiences because I decided on something that lessenned my life somehow? Anything and everything in life goes under this category. Nothing is immune to it. Every experience we have has something to teach us.

I think that life will give me another chance to meet him/her/them. Another day, another opportunity. That doesnt mean I try not to answer when opportunity knocks. Its just sometimes. Ill be busy washing my hair... or something to that effect (smile) I wouldnt want to miss out on an opportunity and regret not having gone through something that I was meant to? Supposed to? Want to happen.

If you think about it. The things that happen in your life has given you much food for thought. Some very serious. Some silly, Some light and other dark. Every kind of emotion really. Some things hapen to nice people. Some things that happen seem very appropriate. Others come out of the blue and some you are prepared for.

Nothing is an accidental. Things happen in your life that is meant to happen to prepare you and open your eyes to more than what you see.

Go for it? Or let the unknown take over but always be safe.

Its true what they say. 'Life is not a rehearsal.'

130 - 2006

Its almost the end of the year. It will no longer be 2006.

Like most people will be doing, theyll do a recap of the year and possibly write about their expectations for 2007.

Whats happened in my year of 2006?

Celebrated all year being single! :)
Went on many many dates
I bought my sister a car.
Went on Job Interviews.
Fell in Lust
Planned a trip to Las Vegas, hasnt happened yet though
Made sure the dogs got their appropraite shots.
Didnt rekindle anything withthe ex. YAY
Cut down on my trips to the Casino (the novelty of it all was lost somehow)
Sampled new Martini bars
Cried myself to sleep, hopefully my first and last encounter of the sort.
Got stood up a couple of times by those of the opposite sex
Went dancing with friends.
Tried new and exciting restaurants.
Celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, loves and losts loves with friends and family.
Read many many many books
Worked many concerts. Willy Nelson, Stones, Alice Cooper, Death by Cab Cutie etc.
Watched Riverdance
Bought flowers for people who were admitted into the hospital
Took chances on a lot of things
Donated to Local Charities
Ate healthier foods
Enjoyed Cottage life if briefly
Fell in Lust
Spent a lot of money on myself.
Bought plenty of alcoholic beverages
Tanned half nude in public
Held my sister in my arms as she cried over her Dog (hit and run)
Joined a gym YAY
Singles meet and greet (meatmarket)
Purchased and paid for furnace
Talked to strangers for long periods of time
Learned a lot about other people
Starred in a few embarrassing moments
Bailed someone out of jail
Cirque du Soleil -Quidam
Laughed a lot
Tanned nude in public
Rewarded myself with manicures, pedicures, facials and shopping days :)
Fell in lust
Bought some jewelry
Paid for many parking tickets :)
Took in a comedy show
Imagined affairs of the mind and body
Spent many A Girls Night with... the Girls lol
Travelled to see family and friends.
Consider myself very lucky
Cleaned out my closet and donated things to Salvation Army
Shared my mind and body with select people :)
Argued with family members.
Took weekend getaways with good friends
Road trips
Met many many new people.
Occasionally miss the intimacy of a relationship.
Love the single life
Leraned a lot more about myself
Fell in Lust
Rearranged my priorities, many times.
Left pieces of myself with everyone that I met.
Took days off of work to play instead
Started a Blog :)
and much more.

It was a great year. I could have done more with it as we all could have. I have no regrets with anything that I have done and I look forward to 2007 and everything that I will come across. There are more and more things that should be added to the list above. Some just are meant to be kept a secret. I look forward to all the things that will come into my life the following year.

Though the end of 2006 isnt great, it still part of my life and something that I look forward to overcoming and pushing through against the things that want to hold me back. These things happen and its the 'getting on the horse' when you fall off that is also exciting.

Im looking forward to weathering the storm, getting to the summit. crossing the finish line and basically .. being on top :)

A list of things I look forward to in 2007 is coming.

I hope that 2006 was good for you. If not, know that 2007 will be better for you.

WITOW - What I Think Of When

When you need a little pick me up. Remember this song. I like that movie. I thought.. since it on my list of fave movies that I should bring it up somehow in this blog. Which makes me kind of want to see the movie again Just so I can be in that place even for a while... LOL I feel bit guilty BUT we must all partake in guilty pleasures once in a while. This... is just one form of that (wink)

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Now for another form f guilty pleasure...Shopping!!

129 - Eve

I went to a Candle Light Service with family to a place of worship that I had never been to. I was hesitant n going due to the fact that I havent been a regular to any place of worship safe the place in my mind.

I initially said no to the invitation to go. Then I thought of the season. That being with family and those who are close is what it is about. Maybe I felt like being alone and away from everyone. BUT due to the time I thought Id put my wants on hold. I had to make an appearance at least. I cant go without seeing them. I called them up and said that I would meet them for the service.

I had no idea what to expect. But I had to spend time with the people taht I care about. After stepping out of the cab I looked through the doors and felt like I didnt belong. I wasnt meant to be there. I had had many thoughts that arent good or positive. I was in the wrong place. I shouldnt have come.

Would lightning strike me as I step a foot inside sacred ground? Would guardian angels bearing swords of light come at me as I walk into the building? Would my skin burn and fall off my body as I make the sign of the cross with holy water on my fingers?

I thought when walking in the building that I was tricked. That I was brought into a place that I had been to in the past and that I would have to suffer through long sermons that dont seem to relate to me. The layout was the same as this one place I went to. I was hesitant.

Yet as I walked and followed my family. I was silently hoping that they wouldnt pick seats close t o the front. They did. second row, right in front of the pulpit. Yippee. What luck. As I followed them to the wonderful seats they found. I couldnt help but notice that everyone was in high spirits. Everyone was happy and smiling and in a good mood. Im a product of my environment which being surrounded by all these happy people. Made me smile the biggest smile that graced my face in the passed couple of weeks.

I couldnt help it. It came out of nowhere. I looked to the people comfortably seated and shared this smile and amazingly, they returned it. It was nice. It wasnt so bad sitting front and center. It was nice. I got to see everything. No tall hairy man sitting in front of me blocking my view. I didnt need that kind of coverage at this service.

They worshiped through song mostly. It was very nice. Voices that were beautiful brought tears to my eyes. However I felt panicked around the middle of the service due to my feeling of being in the wrong place and not being welcome if they knew me.

All these people see someone well dressed with a smile on her face. What they dont know is who I am. How can I sit here among these people when I live the life that I do, when I have thoughts that run rampant. That run on the other side of good, right and proper.

I thikn I wanted to weep. My eyes watered and I wanted to tell everyone the real me. What I do and why I do Then they can tell me to go. I felt like a traitor. Like I had no right to be there, yet there I was. Front and center. With the pastor looking right at me with warm eyes and a warm smile.

I enjoyed the music. I enjoyed the purity of the voices that rang loud and proud. I sang songs of praise. I sang to keep my mind from telling my body to make a break for it.

I stayed through the whole service. I didnt bolt. I didnt spill the beans about my life. I thought hard and deep about the meaning of my life and what it means that I lead my life the way I do. I didnt come up with any concrete answers. Not even close.

I just know that no matter what I do. I choose to do it. Should there be a consequence attached to my decision, so be it. I also know that I will be forgiven if I ask for it. I know that as long as I do good in life. For myself and most of all for others, that I have done well. Should I not be rewarded in this life. I will be in my next or if there is no other life for me. That I may enjoy what I do have.

Im glad I decided to go. It was worth it. We went home to hot cocoa and cheese and crackers and other yummy goodness. We talked, laughed, shared and showed that we still love each other even if it is rare that we get together.

Hope you all had a great Christmas Eve. No signs of snow here in Ottawa.

Merry Chirstmas and to all a good night!

For you

May you always have someone close to you to hold
May you be the one that someone comes to to hold

May you have a warm heart and warm arms to welcome people
May you have a warm heart and warm arms to welcome you

May you keep an open mind and open heart for those less fortunate
May you be surrounded by people who have open minds and open hearts

May this season bring you peace, love and happiness
May the New Year welcome your endeavors with success

May your voice be clear
May your eyes shine bright
May your bodies be strong
May your will be unwavering.

Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year.

Darling

128 - wishes

This made my eyes water. Its a reminder that people are thoughtful and full of goodness. I hope you all have someone that cares for you this season. Sometimes all it takes is one person to make things all come together. May you be that person to someone in your life.


Darling ... I have many wishes for you that I would like to share.

That you are healthy, that you are happy, that you succeed, that you have warm memories not just of me, but of everybody who touches you, that you find a way to see candles through and darkness, that you hear your heart sing, that you cherish what you hold dear and never let it fade.

I have more wishes for you and would like to share some of them with you personally.

Have a beautiful Christmas ... as beautiful as you are.

XOXOX

127 - tagged

Im deviating :) Mr Bratstarman (if I knew anything about technology I would be able to make it so you could click on his name and youd go directly to the relevant post) he has caught me. I stopped by his blog and after reading his post and because of his deviation. I became part of the cycle. What fun!

* Rules for this tag game are: (these are the original rules)
-Grab the closest book to you
-Open Page 123
-Scroll down to the 5th sentence
-Post the next 3 sentences on your blog
-Name the book and author
-Tag 3 people

Thank you, it is my first and you know what they say about your first...

"Really. I have no guilt, no regrets except for the feeling that I could have done more for him. Something, im not sure... just something.

Author Darling
Book Diary

Eenie meenie miney mo....who to tag I do not know... you who read this must follow... eenie meenie miney mo.

(I tried to be cute) LOL

PS dont worry.. If you dont participate... your weeny wont fall off, your love life wont be affected, your hair wont fall out and Ill still be here.

Have a beautiful day!

126 - TMI

So Ive been neglecting a part that I usually enjoy indulging. I dont want to say I havent had time. I dont want to say that I havent thought about it. I dont want to say that I havent been able to. I have thought of it often and I did have ample opportunity. I just didnt thats all.

Ive been getting sporadic images in my mind of things that I have done in the past. Images of situations that Id like to find myself in, of people that I once knew or places that Id like to sample.

Its interesting because it will last for a few minutes then I will continue on with whatever I was doing at the time. All of a sudden my body will feel this heat eventually pooling in between my legs. Then my mind moves forward a few hours to a time when I am able to do something about it if not with someone else present then by myself.

My mind whipping up all these images like a slideshow and my body begging for me to free the orgasm from its prison. Some days are worse than others. Some days Ill go without a single sexual thought. Other days everywhere I look becomes a possible place or erotic adventures. Everyone I look at becomes a character in the erotic picture that my mind produces.

Its times like these where my body calls for someone thats able to bring me somewhere Ive never been, never seen, feel things Ive never felt. At that point Im looking for something hot, something intense and something that will take me totally out of my mind.

Well. Maybe that was TMI.

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction

'Now that your attire is fitting, I have a surprise for you' he says as he walks away from me and towards the closet.

I laugh and say 'Now that you've removed me of all my clothes, you mean?' He looks at me with smiling eyes and replies ' I had help with that you know, it was'nt only me'

'Semantics' I say and we both laugh.

He pulls out from the closet a bag with a logo on it that makes me smile and my eyebrows go up in question. I can barely contain my glee as I adore surprises. Seeing the logo takes away from it some people would say but even though I know where it was purchased from. Its whats 'IN' the bag that teases my senses.

I wiggle like its Christmas morning, waiting for the present to be given to me, not wanting to look too eager. He laughs and teases me saying 'Ill never tire of seeing your excitement'. Letting it slip before I could stop myself. 'You'll see more excitement once you hand it over' Again we laugh.

He places it in the middle of the table and I wait a second before reaching for it. I pull it closer to me and pull out the tissue wrapped material. So slippery is it that something slips out and onto the tabletop. Lace, black and ting. I lift it and look at him questioningly and he clears his throat and hastily says that he 'liked me in them when we were last away together' I smiled and placed them beside the bag.

I slowly open the folds of the tissue and see red silk, trimmed with black lace to cover my breasts. I smile again and do a little shake of my shoulders in silent glee. I take hold of the delicate silk straps and lift it to hold over my naked canvass of a body. He looks at me with dark eyes and says 'looks good already'. I smile and look at a long strip of lace hanging off the table. Picking it up in between my fingers I look at him and hint 'I am quite sure this will come in handy later on, and not for its intended purpose' He smiles to that.

I pick up the robe and slip that over my shoulders and turn slowly in front of him. 'That color is wonderful on you' I hear him say. As he reaches for me, I sidestep his reach and pick up the rest of the items. I kiss him quickly on the lips and tell him to get comfortable. I want him to see me wrapped in silk.

Once I step outside and I see his reflection in the mirror, he is leaning back on the chair looking out the window. I walk up behind him and I know he can sense my movements. I stand beside him, I rest my hip lightly against his arm and he moves away only to wrap his arm around my waist.

His hand started massaging my hip, his fingers moving over me. Touching the silk, moving it over my skin. It feels great for us both. I turned to face him and he sees the full effect. His eyes starting at the hemline and moving up seeing the fullness of my breasts against the low neckline. He moved towards me to kiss the exposed skin in between my breasts.

'Why does it drive me to want to rip it off of you?' I laugh and step away saying 'let me do it for you'. He leans back and exhales. I see his open and close his hands over his knees. 'Nervous?' I ask while I look at his hands. 'Hard' he answers back. I look at the erection that surges as I watch. 'Ill make it good' I say and he replies with 'I cant wait'

I face away from him and slowly slip the robe off of one shoulder. I bend over slightly and lean on the bed. One arm reaching down to the side of my leg to trail my hand over my leg. I bring it up until my hip is bare and show him what I have on underneath. 'Thats hot' he says and I smile. I let the material fall over my hips again and let the robe completely fall away from my shoulders and pool at my feet. I turn and watch him, he is holding himself with his large hand.

I reach behind me as I look at him and pull against the string, now facing him. I lick my lips slowly and say, 'I thought you were going to wait' nodding towards what he had in his hands. He just shrugs and strokes the whole length of him. I shake my head and take my gaze off of his action. I cant be distracted.

I walk closer to him and bend over slightly so he can see inside down to my navel. The straps fall to the side and as I stand up straight it slips down my arms and the rest follow down my waist, hips and legs, ending at my feet.

I turn facing away again and walk away. I turn back to him and ask if he was going to follow me. He stands up not letting go. Holding himself with a gentle grip. I stop at the edge of the bed and feel him bump against me from behind. His arms now holding my shoulders, cupping them with his large hands. His lips brush the side of my neck and it gives me shivers all the way down my body.

'Mmmmm, I like that' He answers by cupping my breasts in his hands and mumbles in my neck ' how about this, do you like this?' I arch my back, push myself against his hands and moan. He pushes me into the bed and runs his hands over my back and down more to hold my hips. He runs his hands over my hips and the garter that I have on.

'These look so hot' He says out loud and I wiggle side to side impatiently and he slaps one cheek a little. He positions himself behind me and slips his finger inside me testing me my readiness. 'Not quite there yet' he says. I make a sound of protest which made his stop cold inside me. I froze and waited.

'Dont stop!' I pleaded. 'When you're ready' he says and starts moving his hand slowly. I shudder in pleasure and arch my back and try not to rock my body to the tempo that I crave. Biting my lip trying not to scream for more. My body starts to rock against him and I become more vocal. He stops again and I let out a frustrated moan.

I feel him move behind me and as I am about to fall into the bed face down in resignation. I feel his hands on my hips and slip into me hard, fast and deep. I inhale a scream and feel him move in and out of me in a tempo that I was begging for earlier. So unexpected was his act that I feel myself tighten around him more than I would have had I been expecting it.

I hear my breathing catch now and again, just as he touches me in just the right place. His one hand on the small of my back and the other gripping my shoulder. The side of my face now pressed against the bed. My back arched, legs spread wide. Feeling our bodies move in unison. My moans mingling with his. I try to move away from the intensity, try to crawl away, to catch my breath and I feel him tighten his hold on me. I feel the strength in his grip on me. Holding me in place. Feel the way his body slams into mine in urgency and my body opens to him more and once my body opens to him we move together making beautiful intense heat that brings us both to completion.

Bodies glistening with a light sheen his body curled around mine. our breathing erratic and uneven. My body continues to ride the wave of pleasure pulsing in between my legs traveling through my system. He wraps an arm around me and gently cups my breast in his hand and whispers in my ear, 'Now, I think you're ready'.

125 - what a night

What a strange strange occurence. The stars must have been alligned just so in order for things to have gone the way they did.

My phone rings and I notice that the caller has their number hidden for I only see 'private caller' displayed on my phone. Now I usually prefer to know who is calling me because it just gives that added comfort knowing that it isnt someone that I may be in a slight tiff with, like Visa, Mastercard or that guy I met that on time and thinking I would give him a fake phone number... instead gave him my real number.. I know I know.. Ill have to tell you that story one day!!

So, I think it cant all be bad to answer this call. So here goes.

Darling Hello...
P caller Hello Miss Darling
Darling How are you? ( I dont know who it is, the voice isnt familiar)
P caller Im good, very good Long time no hear!
Darling Yes yes... who is this??
P caller Its Private caller from ---------
Darling Heyyyy... I didnt recognize your voice, its been so long!
P caller Yes it has. Ive sent you a few emails over the past little while.
Darling Im sorry, I havent been able to get to my personal emails for some time. Was there anything urgent? Ill try to get to them now that I know there is something there.
P caller well its good to be busy, I hope that youve been able to take some time for yourself
Dalring I have when I have a moment yes, the email...
P caller Well Im going to be in town for meetings and thought we could get together for drinks if you were free.
Darling When will you be in town for? Ill have to check my schedule to see what, if anything I have going on.
P caller. Ill be there Wed night and I was thinking of getting together with you once I have finished with my meetings.
Darling I dont have my planner in front of me so I cant confirm anything at this time. Why dont you give me a quick call when you are free and I can let you know what kind of situation I am at at that time? I think drinks sounds like a grand idea if I can swing it.
P caller That sounds great. It sounds like you have been busy.
Darling As busy as I like it lol
P caller Well thats great, it means that you are in demand.
Darling Cant go wrong with that can I?
P caller not at all, I think its a great idea
Darling Great, then do call me when youve finished with your meetings and we can take it from there.
P calller sounds like a plan
Darling Talk to you soon, bye

Snuggled warmly in bed, my eyes closed, body relaxed, I hear my phone ring. I reach for my phone and again notice 'unknown caller' Not letting one experience ruin me for all others. I take a deep breath and answer.

Darling Hello (somewhat sleepy-like)
U caller Hello Darling how are you?
Darling Im doing well thank you, how are you? Its been a while.
U caller I know its been a while and I wanted to talk to you and let you know Ive missed you.
Darling Youre sweet, it has been a long time. I would have liked to see you more. Im sure that work is keeping you away.
U caller yes work hasnt allowed me time to be get away
Darling As long as it is work that is keeping you away... (teasing)
U caller ... If I had the chance I would have taken it.
Darling Good to know, Its nice to hear your voice.
U caller Not as nice as hearing yours, it does wonderful things to me, I wish you could see...
Darling Im sure it would be nicer for me to see. Where are you?
U caller Im downtown and on my way home, thought of you and decided to call, I hope thats ok,
Darling im glad you did, it has been a while since we last spoke. I received the voicemail you left for me, it was great to hear from you then even if it was a message.
U caller Its been a while and I have missed you, I wanted to see if we could arrange something if I was able to make time.
Darling That would be great if you were able to free up some time to get together.
U caller I wasnt sure if you would be able to meet me anymore as I thought you would have been snagged by someone already
Darling (laughs) No that hasnt happened I think you are safe there
U caller Then consider me lucky.
Darling (teasing) Oh I do lol
U caller Im thinking of that time we first kissed, do you remember?
Darling Yes I remember, right in front of that building downtown.
U caller Yes I felt so aroused I wanted you right then and there
Darling You were so patient though
U caller Im also thinking of what we did on that table
Darling Yes that was quite memorable wasnt it?
U caller My hands on your smooth skin...
Darling Hmmmmmm What are you doing with yourself right now?
U caller Im touching myself, thinking of being with you again
Darling Are you ready for me?
U caller Oh yes
Darling what do you think im doing right now?
U caller I wish you were touching yourself for me, thinking of me
Darling and...
U Caller I want to hear you as if I was there..
Darling ohh... hmmm... if you were here I would...

Snuggled warmly in my bed, my eyes closed, body oh so very relaxed. I hear a distant ring and shake myself awake enough to see private caller on my display, more than my memory flooding back with the last phone call I click and speak...

Darling Hello Darling here
P caller2 Hello Darling
Darling Hmmm Hello... where have you been?
P caller2 (chuckles) miss me have you?
Darling No, did you miss me?
P caller2 you know I do, its great to hear your voice...
Darling hmmm
P caller2 I like it when you so that
Darling You like it when I do a lot of things
P caller2 Youre absolutely right, I want you.
Darling I know
P caller2 tell me what I have missed
Darling yesterday? or what happened earlier today?
P caller2 Im waiting
Darling well... funny you should call... earlier...I had a phone that went like this...
P caller2 I think im going to like this...
Darling (smile)...


What a night!

124 - maybe

So much for staying away... It helps to let it out somehow... so... thanks for coming.


Ive gone through a lot of my things and its brought a lot of great memories. I look forward to more great ones. I know that Ill also have to have the ones that arent so great, but thats ok. Its part of it and I wouldnt appreciate the good ones if thats all there was.

I saw a card that one of my friends made for me way back when. It was cute. I laughed nad went down memory lane. I also saw a pair of gloves that I wore a while back, they dont match my style now, so I put them in the pile to give away. I also donated more clothes and a few pairs of shoes.

Its not getting easier though I think everyone should go through some of their belongings all of it if they can to edit their life. To clean out their closets, toss out some boxes of things that hasnt been seen or ussed. I used to have a maybe pile... Ive emilinated that and just tossed those items into the donate pile. Easier and less hassle.

It felt good to purge. Maybe thats a lesson im supposed to learn, to let go. Be happy with how things are and let go. Ive tried for a while to make things better, I dont think kryptonite and I have the same goals so maybe Ive done enough on my end to make an effort. Maybe its life telling me that I need to move on with other things. To give up on this one and just let it be. Concentrate on other things. Its time.

Maybe thats the lesson.

123 - update on thoughts

Thoughts on whats been happening lately.

Im in the process of looking for a place to live. During the holidays and at the start on winter. Though thanks to small blessings it hasnt felt like real Canadian winter. The weekend that came and went was very mild. It even melted the ice and snow off of the driveway. I hope the weather lasts until I move everything.

So back to my search, I am looking online and looking in the paper and have my friends spreading the word that I am looking for a place. Either temporary as in short term lease? OR possibly purchasing a condo or a singly family home or in my case. A single womans home LOL

Im freaking out a bit because time is ticking and I feel like im not putting myself out there enough, that I am not looking hard enough, that Im not making enough of an effort into finding a place to live.

Im freaking out the most, over the fact that it seems like a rushed decision that I need to make. I dont like to make big decisions like this feeling rushed and on a timeline. Its almost mid Dec and I have 75% of my things packed. I have the dressers, bookshelves, tables et al earmarked to go and I have no truck booked yet but Ill make sure to have that soon.

Im sad at what is happening but I know it has to be. My brother tells me not to go. I told him its for the best. He didnt say anything to that. My sister thinks its time and that things will be 100% better when I do. Me? What do I think? I think Im happy and sad at what is happening.

Every night I look at the list that Ive made for this move. I havent been able to cross anything off today. I think Im in denial. I dont have to move and waste my time looking for a place. Its all a big joke and Its just a ploy to get me to trim down my belongings. A reason to remind me that I dont need half the things that I look at everyday. But it is real. Damn.

Then I think 'my this is feeling really real'. It feels like the end of something that I cant cut the ties off clean and clear. I think there will always be lingering ... things/emotions/issues. I tell myself that I dont care. That I dont want to think of this situation and the time I have spent here in this place. That the memories can be replaced with what my mind decides the good memories will be.

I feel vulnerable and very childlike. Going out into the big bad world. Thats what it feels like. Like im a child waiting at the edge of the curb waiting to step into the hustle and bustle of the crowd. As much as I know as much as I have done in my life. It doesnt feel like its enough to prepare me for whats out there.

It always seems this way. Always seems like its not achievable, like theres a dark cloud just waiting for me when I step into that street. Its not. I know this. This isnt the first time that I have felt this ... fear. Its been before me and Ive overcome it. Its just a mirage, an illusion. A figment of my imagination.

I know this. I also see through it when my mind moves through the darkness. I see me in a place that Ive chosen to live. A place where things are light, bright and happy. Where I am free to do what I want to do. I see my life being open to possibilities, free.

Things seem bad but I am probably making it seem worse than they are. Ill be ok... really.. its just out of my mind and through my fingers and into the posts.

Be good, be well and smile! :)

122 - lapse

Stolen moments at work :)

Theres something to be said about sharing a bed, sharing the duvet and sharing body heat. A small part of me, the part that knows that I dont have someone permanent to share this with nightly... that small part enjoys it when it happens. I cherish and enjoy it. When theres a weight on the other side of the bed, that slight dip, the source of heat and an arm that wraps around me.

The other part of me, the independant selfish part of me doesnt know what to do sometimes. Its because its been something that isnt a part of my daily life, thus not a great big concern. If its so important that I have that touch, is it so hard to find? No... I dont think it is. For me anyway. Sometimes the heat is to much, sometimes the weight immobilizes me and the air around me gets thick.

Like the weather you always want it a little cooler or you hope for a cool breeze to cool you off on a blistering hot day. Then you hope for some warmth, some sunlight to warm you on those cold days. Am I doomed to always want what I dont have?

Even if its temporary, the times that I do want that closeness... and somehow it happens. It allows the feeling of want or need for it to be appeased. For now, not forever. I havent thought of the cycle if any exists for me. Just that it might happen... that I have a cycle? Im sure I do.

Im not sure what it is. I think its just the fact that Im selfish. Hey im being honest. I want to be the one to pick and choose what happens in my life... if only thats how it worked lol. To an extent I am sure thats how it works. Its just sometimes. How do you want something you dont even know you want. OR you want a part of it but not the whole thing? What if the idea of everything scares me and I dont know what to do. Is it all or nothing? Or am I the only one that is selfish and wants things on my terms?

Theres nothing wrong with my terms.. my terms always work out for me. Its when theres another person to think of that makes things complicated. Saying that... is it really worth it to have a partner. To have these complications with? Is it worth the heartache and frustrations?Is the happiness you feel with this person the reason you cannot be alone?

Im just being a single minded, single person at the moment. Why? because I ask too many questions and when I cant answer them all... I have to ask other people. I dont want it to seem like Im anti relationships. Im just anti screwing up. Theres enough going around that I am sure that the my name is on a few of them.

I dont mind it at all... most times. Im just scared.. and heres the nitty gritty part of this post. Im scared that the wants are different and that Ill inevitably be a want for someone whose need is overwhelming. How do you give something you dont even know you have.

How will I deal with it? When it happens? What do I do, How do I do it. What do I say? How do I say it. The things I think of.

Maybe theres something wrong with me, that I dont want that. Maybe Thats just how I am, maybe ill never want it?? (frown) I dont know.

Im sure I do. I have to. Dont I?

Maybe this is just a momentary lapse of sanity. Highly possible.

121 - responsibility calls...

I know I havent been on in a while. Its hard to find things to post when your life is upside down. Thats what it feels like anyway. Ive had a lot of things on my mind lately and I am trying to concentrate on one part of my life that desperately needs attention.

Im in a pickle and really dont know which direction to turn. Its winter now, the weather has turned cold. The wind bites and the sun is a friendly passer by that doesnt visit as often. Dressing accordingly is not something to be taken lightly. Delicate fingers, toes and dainty ears need protection.

Its also time for good spirits and a time to spread good cheer. Holidays. Christmas and New Years. People have thier minds already elsewhere, families coming together, out of towners coming by, traveling and more. I have all those things to think of. Holiday cheer is surrounding me.

My twist is this. I need a place to stay, due to irreconcilable differences between kryptonite and myself, I. Need. To. Move. This you can understand puts the holidays spirit to the backburner. It feels like the gifts I have planned might not be bought, wrapped or gift bagged. The ideas I have for decorations will never materialize (here that is). The people I thought I would be spending it with wont be around the table to break bread with.

I know everyone has their issues when it comes to holidays. Some people are alone, either have no one or arent able to be with their loved ones do to distance and other circumstances. Some dont have the means to lavish their love ones with things they want. They just choose their isolation to others during this time. Everyone has reasons for where they are in life.

My reason for being where I am at this time. Im not quite clear on it. I know my emotions are mixed. Im part happy that this is happening, part terrified that it is happening then you add the timing the season and reasons. I also feel alone, unloved and unimportant which reminds me that I am strong, independent, healthy and adaptive.

I tell myself its for the best and that things happen for a reason. I dont understand the why BUt I need to know that it is for the best. This needs to happen for my life to move forward. It needs to come to pass so that things that are out of my control will become.

I have my summer clothes packed. I need to plan for a truck of some sort to move my things. I still have to pick up more boxes for clothes and need to just list the things that I am bringing. I do want to go. Its for the best. No longer will I have to follow this and that and do things that only benefits this person.

My life needs to move forward and this is just another step I need to take. Though my steps falter. I am excited about it. I am excited to be moving along with my life. I dont know what will happen in my future. I trust that the good I do in life will help me along when I am in need. I trust that things will happen that are for me to learn from and though they might bring me down for a bit I will always succeed.

Ive cried myself to sleep once and it happened a couple of nights ago. No rhyme or reason for it. I think my body was just running on high for the past little while that it just needed to happen. I woke up with puffy eyes but it looked good. (Go figure)

Im feeling somewhat anti-social and I dont know whether I like it or not. I like the fact that I am in my own mind. That I dont have to be around people that dont share my blahs. Maybe its because I cant share in their good cheer. In their good moods and good stories. It is a season to be cheery and merry. I am just quiet. More and more things irritate me. I dont snap at anyone I just dont participate in things like I used to.

Do they notice? No. Though I am feeling down and dont feel my usually bubbly self. I dont let it get to the point where people will be asking me whats wrong and whats on my mind that is getting me down. Im not used to the one needing help. Yes I know Everyone gets that hand sometimes. Not me...until now.

I dont even know what kind I need. I have been used to doing it on my own going at it on my own that this is somewhat new territory. I cant wait until the last minute. I have to do things now. I dont like to rush, I would hate to make the wrong decision. In the end Ill be ok. Unless tings just go downhill from here. I look at every scenario and think the best and worse.

Im hoping for the best outcome out of all this. My things will be packed and I will have gotten rid of a lot of things in the move. I will have a new start, a fresh start where I am the Queen of the Castle (smile) Im looking forward to this journey though I am scared at the same time.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May all your wishes come true and may your loved ones hold you tight in the warmest of hugs.

I may be ghostlike again around here. Ill still wonder what is happening in your lives because right now its more stable than mine :) and hope that Ill find some time to peek in on you while I wrestle against things. Responsibility calls...

Now to find a place to live. Oh did I mention this is all happening at the end of this month? The countdown begins.

Wish me luck!!

PS. If my next few posts sounds negative and just plain yucky. Im ok.. just letting out steam. Forgive me the next few posts. Ill try to throw in some good cheer now and again.

120 - your time

I had a great day. No real issues coming up that was life or death. No serious health issues. Nothing outstanding or dreadful either. All in all it was a basic day in the life of Darling. I had the opportunity to spice things up a bit but decided against it. Why you ask?

Well its a good thing you asked because the answer is not very exciting. For you, unfortunately. I didnt spice up my otherwise pretty steady calm and peaceful day because when I thought about things a little, when I looked back in my life and when I wanted to think of the last day I had that didnt involve coffee, drinks, dinner or an intimate tryst. When I tried to think of a day that was just for me, myself and I. It took too long for me to think of when that day was so... I decided that I would just either do nothing or do what I felt like doing.

So I did. My otherwise appointed self appreciation day for.. yours truly was spent... in the bank, on the phone and making appointments for a different day. I also ended up cooking something which was a lot of fun. Theres something calming and simple about making a meal. I walked around my kitchen in a very comfortable pair of black Lulu lemon pants. Oh so comfy clothes for me. A black tank top with... Rainbow Bright in front, in all her glory. By glory I mean wand wielding.

A pair of Reef flip flops and my hair half heartedly piled on top of my head. Forget the recipe. I got some carrots, potatoes, onions, garlic, chicken and some seasoning in a packet plus some herbs and spices that I felt like throwing in. I know I know I know. I will eat anything I make LOL

It turned out fabulously. I was happy with it. I listened to some Alison Kraus who I enjoy a great deal. Well. I did some mothering to the dogs. We played tug of war and I lost and I must now purchase a new toy for losing. I wanted to read a book and possibly finish it tonight as well but I dont think thats going to happen.
Sometimes even when you have things to do. You have to make sure you make time for yourself. No matter what, because 'you cant help other people if you cant help yourself.'

Those words courtesy of my fantastically wise father! Thanks. Its something I will always keep in mind.

So make sure you take some time for yourself. Even if its 10 minutes. :) It will be worth it.

119 - neverending list

Holy energy I have Batman!

Its a funky strange cycle my body goes through. Ill go through a few days (from 3-10 days) of high energy. Let me at' em, I can do it! Watch me go highs. To days when I am just not at that same level.

The thing that bothers me about it is not so much the low point that I get to. Its the point of comparison. Anything less than the high points makes everything else look drab, when in essence its just what everyone else is running on. Its what might be considered normal. Not all the time ... but most of the time.

When I am not on the high energetic, high speed, go go go mood. It varies, depending on what is happening in my life. Who I am seeing, qhat I am eating, working on and doing. Anyway. Its kind of neat to have all this energy and do things that I might have taken a bit longer to do.

Mind you theres a never ending list of things to do. Some cycle themselves, others are new things on the list that takes some juggling, preparation and planning.

Even when I get through some things and I think I am close to the end of the list.. Im lying to myself LOL I know theres more things to do. I guess thats what I fill my days with. Doing things... and when I am finished doing those things... there are more things to do. That I decide to add on the list or things that other people add.

Like I said theres always a never ending itemized list that is known as well as unknown to us. Its up to us to do them in whatever order we want to.. though.. there are some things that just have to be done before the other.

Update on me and my list... I think Ive done a lot .. but in essence I know I am not even close to near the bottom of the list.

Such is life. Theres always something to do.. even when we think theres nothing to do.

118 - early morning

One of my dogs wakes up in the middle of the night.. well.. she wakes up a couple of times a night. Shes an mature dog (as in years, shes going on 18) She needs help to get in bed with me. I scoop her up and she goes to her spot in the bottom corner of my bed, sometimes when the mood is right she sleeps right against my hip on top of the covers.

A couple of times during the night. Ill feel her stand up walk around a bit and then decide to try to get down. She can do it on her own, but I know that it takes her a while to do. She does a lot of scooping low to the edge of the bed and sometimes even tries to oet the bed to lower itself for her. By then I am awake and know that its time.

Time to gently pick her up and bring to ground. She heads straight for the water bowl I keep for the dogs in the corner of my room. She drinks and drinks and then keeps on drinking like shes been walking in the Sahara and this is her first taste of life giving water. As she laps up the water I dress myself, wrapping myself up in clothes to protect against the chilly air that waits for me outside. I slip my little feet into slippers and watch herfill her belly.

Together we walk to the side door where we both go outside into the cold. This time it is not as cold as I thought it would be for 1:00am. Has it only been a few hours since I drifted off to sleep?? I follow her to either the front yard or the back yard. It depends on where she feels like going. Shes earned the right to choose at this point in her life.

She walks slowly up the side of the house to the front, she crosses the driveway and finds a spot and does her thing. Sometimes she takes a while. Other times shes done and over with very quickly. I stand by the side of the road watching the few cars drive by. Some I am sure wondering at my attire. Others wondering at the reason I am out. Some wonder at both. Others just drive on by without noticing the scenery.

Once shes decided shes ready to come inside with sometimes takes about 20 minutes of sniffing and lawn changes. I think its her time to enjoy. The quiet. The silence. The peaceful serenity, of knowing that most everyone is inside. Personally I think she just enjoys making me get up that early. I have to say the world sure looks like its resting.

There arent many cars that drive by. The lights are shedding light on the street. The soudns are different. You can hear things. See the shadows and let your mind wander at the dark and dangerous men that may be lurking about.

My dog bumps into me and looks up at me as she wags her tail. She is happy. Sometimes Ill take her for a quick walk down the street to the corner and back. She follows me, so trusting she is. She loves me. I love her too. Sometimes she looks like shes still a year old puppy (shes about the same size as when she was that age) so full of energy, so playful. Other times she looks like shes lost her best friend. But im still here.

Back in the house. I refill the water bowl, pile the toys together for another day, undress and crawl into bed. Sweet warmth... I wait, I know I cant drift off yet. I feel the side of my bed dip. I look over, there she is. One of her paws finds my arm and I swear she is petting my arm. She will lift her paw, place it on my arm and slide it off, she does this over and over. Shes a sweety.

She looks happy and I scoop her up and she finds her spot beside the other dog, settles herself and drops her head on top of her paws. I say goodnight and scoot myself into sleeping position, before I drift I say thank you for giving us this time together.

117 - kryptonite continues to drain me

I was really angry again. Hmm not so much as angry but upset. I dont do anger. I do upset. The situation looked bleak from the start and I thought that something simple would make sense and be proper.

It didnt turn out that way. All the good intent that I had wasnt seen as good intent but as Satans work. Nothing I said or did or explained made any sense to them. Of course when the oher person doesnt budge an inch and sees all the bad and sees the negative side and sees what her mind is feeding her. There is no way to go. Where do you go?

I felt like digging a hole far enough to reach the other side of the world and ... depending on where I ended up... stay.. or... bring that person there and fill up the hole again after. Now whether that person enjoys it or not, wherever there is... is none of my concern, though a small part of me secretly wishes that its the most horrible place her imagination has ever thought of.

Ive also thought of possible NOT reaching the other side of the world and leaving a marker to mark how far I had gone into the earth..AND what better marker than this person? :) lol

Im evil... mu hu ha ha haaaa.

I was thinking of the reason as to why I was crying last night and it wasnt because I was guilty of anything. It wasnt because someone thought I was giving them a hard time as I was accused of, it was more of the what horrors this person has inflicted on other people, how does this person keep living with herself?? I surely wouldnt be able to go to bed with a clear consience (if I were anything like her) Its sad that someone such as this exists.

All I know is that things happen for a reason.
Things come around full circle.
Treat others as youwould like to be treated.

This person has a lot of bad karma.

I was upset last night... then had a great sleep.. I never let anything get in my way of a good nights sleep ... well I wont say its never happened... but I do try. It works most of the time. It did last night.

Im over it... just like that. A new day, a clean slate and a fresh start!

At some point today Ill have to think of what will hapen in my future. I want to remove myself from this negative entity in my life and seperate myself and just leave it behind. There is no room for it and will never ever be a part of my life, and if I ever have children theirs as well.

On a good note... I cant think of one... I can usually think of something... dont worry its not all lost. Just delayed.

Ok.. on a good note, my cousin is getting married. I hope they are happy and healthy together.