eighteen- titles

LOL I should probably title my posts so it explains a little bit more of whats in them. Ill just add something after the number I guess lol

seventeen

I will not bother myself with thoughts of what other people "might" be thinking.
I think enough for 2 or 3 people.

I will live laugh and experience all that life has to offer. Good, bad, painful and joyful.
You only live once, making mistakes are inevitable, its learning from every experience that I will look forward to. Some days are better than others. Stay positive and be generous with what I am able to give, I believe things come back full circle.

I will take responsibility for my actions.
If I have thought things through and weighed the options well and still things turn out badly then I will be held accountable. I control what I say, think and do. I am in control :)

I will enjoy the company of others. Mentally, physically and sexually.
Seduce my mind and the body follows. Theres is something attractive about every person. You just have to dig sometimes and putting in the effort to find what makes that person attractive says a lot about you and sometimes what you find will be the most attractive thing youve ever seen. Keep digging :)

I will make my own decisions.
Everyone is not thinking of what I am doing and why. I dont have to explain my actions to anyone. I will not sit by and let things happen for fear of what people are thinking. Ill worry about it when they start to acually say things.

Be selfish
Why not? I deserve to enjoy things. I will not take advantage of anyone. But Its ok to say, Yes I want that and go for it. I will no longer downplay my success. I will acknowledge myself and my success. Not to flaunt it in other peoples faces. But I will take pride and ownership in the good, that me, and my life have done and come accross.

sixteen

Today my mind has been back and forth and all around.

Im thinking of a possible friend ...with perks. A couple of them. I cant just do one lol I have to have a couple. Well... Ill start out with one and see how that works :) Seems like a sound idea to have. I wonder why I havent thought of it sooner. I had a guy but it was under funny circumstances and well, hes out in Brazil now. Which is why the thought of having someone else is appealing. Other people have them and their lives arent screwed up. They enjoy each others company when they are together. Im not really sure why it isnt a good idea, I can see how it would be something that is convenient and pleasureable.

Sex is sex. Cant confuse it with anything else.

fifteen

Last night was fun, 3 girls in jammies lol ok 2 girls in jammies and me lol ready to go out if plans were to change :) We had a girls night in :) It was fun. No we didnt get naked and have pillow fights nor did we jump up and down on the beds lol I have move out of that phase lol

Ever meet someone that offers you something thats really tempting? Like something you really want? lol and they want sex in return? Makes a person think of what they would do and how far they would take it. Ive had offers. Ive been tempted. I havent accepted. Ive been strong so far. Not on my own of course. Ive always talked it out and gotten my head slapped... by myself and others lol metaphysically of course. Cz really what would that make me? if i didnt want to know I wouldnt have asked right?

I guess we all need a reality check once in a while whether its needed or not, just to remind us where we are in the grand scheme of things.

I felt great this morning when I woke up :) The sun is shining :) the skies are blue :) my legs are bare lol and I feel like slacking off today at work lol We'll see.

Question..... if my car requires unleaded gas, would supreme gas affect my car negatively? how and why?

fourteen

Ok confession time, I caved. I called him. I suck, but im not freaking out over it. I hadnt heard from him in almost a week and I wanted to make sure he was alive. THATS ALL. He is alive. Didnt talk for long. I got off the phone quickly. He didnt sound like he was having a good day, but what do I know? I didnt stick around for anything other than finding out hes alive.

Oh well.

Side note... Im looking at my skirt and its got a slit in the front to mid thigh, I look yummy today lol Hey its not conceit! When I look good I admit it when I dont look good lol I admit it then too. lol Gotta take the good with the bad :) OK so back to the slit. Its pretty secure.. but as I go up to my crotch lol It looks like its looser. I think the slit is getting bigger, maybe. lmao... anyhoo.. Note to Self- Go to the seamstress and get them to fix it. I am attached to this skirt. Its sexy and classy :)

Risky note... To phone sex or not to phone sex?? That is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the toys and lube of outrageous fortunes lol I seem to have a couple of men in my life that are interested in this. I know youre wondering if Im any good at it and how did I become good if I am. Truth. I dont think Im any good at it lol But to each his own. Theres an Idea, I wonder if theres a place thats hiring for that position

Night off tonight. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the wallet just got stuffed, I look good... I might call a friend to go out, have drinks at the patio, go to the library lol cz I need more books to keep me up at night. I could go shopping lol have to walk the dogs, let them enjoy the day also. Organize my room... might as well add life to that one

OK confirmed.. going to my friends apt. Havent seen her in a while, or her new place. Should be fun. Lots of catching up to do lol There will be plenty of giggling tonight and the customary guy bash, some margaritas and planning another get together and probably some other events to mark down in the planner :)

Life is good and if you have a choice. Why not make it good?? Have a beautiful day :)

thirteen

My aunt is in the hospital. She has Cancer and I love her. I just dont like to go visit for a purely selfish reasons. I dont deal well with sick people/weak people. Its not her fault she has cancer. I just dont deal well with sickness. I dont know, is it the weakness that I cant handle? Maybe its the not knowing how to help in situations that im wary of. I havent seen her in about a week. If I do go see her, I am awkward. Make idle chit chat. Nothing important. I go for her, cz I know she'll feel better, not so alone and away from the world that isnt the hospital.

I dont want to talk to her about my issues, first sharing with family other than my sister seems like giving people arsenal to one day use against me. Second, im awkward. Third if one knows about it Ill hear it from other members of the family. There is no privacy. The only one that knows things ... some things lol would be my sister.

I mean Id rather not have to share some of the stupid things ive done lol but some of it is amusing.. maybe not at the time but give it some time and I usually end up laughing about it :) If you cant laugh at yourself, then what fun is that?

* Flashback
I used to think I had man hands when I was younger. So I used to hide my hands a lot or didnt really pay them any mind. After a while of hanging out with guys... after their growth spurt lol My hands are now in the tiny category I cant palm a basketball. I dont know if many people can, women anyway .. who arent in the WNBA. I guess thats generalizing lol

Crap... here I was thinking that Id be able to sleep early tonight to catch up on sleep... I just checked my planner and Ive got to work the Cirque du Soleil tonight. No im not a performer lol I bartend there.

times like these I wish I drank coffee... I wont start of course.. itll stunt my growth lol I need all the height I can get, dont want to lose any :) lol

twelve

Hello Hello... quick update... still havent heard from the guy, which im ok with. My plan of action is 'should' he decide to make contact with me (cz i wont be calling him anytime soon) lol I dont plan on answering my cell for a while. If anyone does call me and cant get a hold of me they know how else to reach me. Give that some time and then start to take calls on my cell.

What to talk to him about? lol tell him he was a rude and a jerk. I expect that he is recovering from a near fatal crash of some sort that rendered him immobile and was not able to contact me. (I apologize if the last comment hit a nerve with anyone) Ill continue to say that it was inconsiderate and dismissive of him and that it only shows the depth of his respect for me (or lack thereof)

In reality... I dont know what will happen :) lol

Im having a great morning so far. Everyone has a choice in everything. What to wear to work, what to eat for breakfast, what music to listen to (or not at all) To smile at someone, talk with someone, to slouch or not lol even how we feel. Ive decided to feel great and fabulous. Ive also decided that no one can get me into a bad mood... AND even if they happen to succeed, then ill just choose to feel great instead of the alternatives.

I need to find something that I can do that will help others. My good nature lol my willingness to help, my openess should be able to help others in one way or another. Ill keep an eye out and see where to extend myself. I hope to find something that I really enjoy and hopefully feel passionately about the cause.

LOL on a more risky topic. I saw a guy at the gas station filling his tank and he caught my attention, phyisically he passed. However that was fully clothed. I wondered what he looked like in the nude and if id still feel attracted. I know thats shallow. I dont care. I wasnt offering the rest of my life to him... I hadnt even talked to him lol

Just a thought of whether or not im all about the hot sex and looks or the deep meaningful conversation and personal exchange. Dont get me wrong. Im looking for both, for it all... yes in the same person. However... that brings me to another issue... is it wrong to enjoy those qualities seperately in different people? hot sex with one and deep stimulating convesation with another? AND what happens if a third comes into play and fills the comfort and fun aspect. Things I think of

Back to the guy who caught my eye. I decided that maybe its better that I didnt see him naked. It might not have been able to compare to my imagination lol (im trying to tamp down on my somewhat lusty if not freaky imaginations... sometimes)

eleven

I have to mention my best friend. His name is Billy. We dont often say thanks to people for things they do for us. This is another way for me to say thank you. For being there to listen to my day be it a good one or bad one. For always making me smile or laugh unexpectantly. For the support and kind words. For the strength to put up with me or is that patience? :) For letting me make my decisions even though they differ from yours. For not saying 'I told you so'. For watching out and worrying about me. For sharing your mind with me. For helping me understand certain lessons, for helping open my eyes to possibilties and ways of looking at life and people.

I hope that my presence in your life has affected you even a percentage of how youve affected mine. To a long friendship.

** even when you think youre alone... youre really not. Not if you look hard enough past the hurt or anger and reach out.

ten

I cant sleep. Emotions running high. Feel like I need to leave, go and BE.
Be what? not me, not live this life. Do something different? How different?
Someone else. Someone more.

I feel like I need a break. Someone do something. Be there. Change the tide. How do I get rid of this? I need to cry. Let it out. Im so tired of doing it on my own. With only my arms around me holding myself tight

I want strong arms around me, a shoulder to cry on. Warmth and comfort. A sense of coming home. Safe. Cherished. Loved. I want nothing that I wouldnt be able to return.

I was reading a book that brought me to this state. Powerful book, made me think and look inside and made me think of what I want out of life. Its not all outlined for me but change is a must. For the better of course.

Funny. I looked over my posts and it all seems very 'woe is me' Not sure if thats what I intended the post to come across.

Ever just want to share yourself? Be open and honest? I want to be that always. Its why I asked b4 if that might be intense for some. I might be quiet and shy with some people. Because im not sure how people will take that openness and honesty.

Will it get me anywhere? being open and honest? Some would say that being guarded and conniving would get me further. Im at the edge. I know that I am being true to myself when im open and honest, but im intrigued by the rest. Looking at what could be.

It calls to me, tempting me, whispering that pleasures and joys are easily within my grasp. At what price? my soul. The knowing, that I chose immediate gratification. At the sake of who? of what? Others? Id have to live with myself daily with knowing that my decision my selfishness, my action caused a ripple of devastation for others.

No, Ill stay my shy and quiet self. Safe in the knowing that the ripples that I do make are ones that might disturb but not devastate.

Ill just have to ... I dont know. Do right not wrong. Help others and not be a burden. Be strong not weak.

We all have out battles to fight.

nine

Ive been thinking of my foray into blogging. Im undecided on how much to share of my life, past present and future, my adventures and yes my thoughts. If Im not able to share my thoughts, then what am I able to share? Ive backed myself into a corner with what I wrote on my profile in the Interest Section. I decided to blog thinking that no one would actually read what im writing and if people did read it, they wouldnt comment on anything. HA I was wrong :) I can admit when im wrong, most times lol

The reason im hesitant in sharing, is my fear. Fear of what? You. Your reactions. Im slowly accepting that its in your reactions and comments that will help give me insight on things. Not saying that you (the reader) have control over my decisions. Just that I believe that things happen for a reason, and though we might not understand it right away. When were meant to understand... we will.

Now that Ive acknowledged that fear I can go on. It shouldnt hold me back. Then how do I explain this tightening in my stomach with the knowledge that Ill soon be sharing things here that a rare few in my life are privvy to? if theres even a rare few.

Im not sure im all that normal sometimes. BUT we all have our moments :) lol

Now where to start sharing???

eight

I was mad and probably still am, though not as much. Mostly at the lack of consideration that I was given. If I cant be thought of to even call to keep posted or up to date, then what makes me think this thing (that might not merit title of relationship) will mature into something more?
How many times do I let this happen b4 it dawns on me that Im being treated badly/unwell/unfairly? or whatever.
If he cant pick up a phone to call to let me know whats going on. Ill hear from him when he has mobility back in his arms and fingers. What other reason might there be not to call

Im open to hearing reasons to why they wouldnt call or email.

If someone tells me they care for me, think of me, look forward to seeing where things lead. Id think that theyd want to hear my voice, see my smile, hear my laugh, feel my touch, taste my kisses. I know when I tell someone I care, I want to share myself and spend time with them and...(im a fool)

Maybe I am too intense? Ive thought of that b4. I have yet to come up with an answer.

Ive done nothing productive. Instead ive lost myself in... not drugs or alcohol. No one drives me to that ever. No one should have that much power and influence on someones life to go there. Ive lost myself in books. Hmmmm yes... ive escaped into another world not of my own making but my own choice. Coward? me? escaping into another world. Ill agree and also say that ive enjoyed the little hiatus.

Life goes on and so shall I.

seven

Im back in Ottawa. Feeling reckless. Like I want to go out drinking which will justify doing something really stupid, which might lead me to someone.. which will lead to... you know. Tempting lol as that might sound I think Ill pass. Ill just wallow a bit and then sleep it off and immerse myself in some project or another. No worries, there are plenty of things for me to do. Some more tedious than others.. ok they all are pretty tedious lol

Anyone want to come and help me with any of them? thought id ask anyway lol

The 5 hour bus ride home was not eventful. I finished reading a book which I shall have comment on later when ive ranted long and hard about all this. I took naps on and off during the bus ride. Didnt really think about much cz I didnt want to. Makes it more real if I do. Maybe I can forget about it and go on. Eventually, thats what will happen.

Heres what I wrote that night in the hotel by myself. Ill point form it all so its not too long.

Friday May 19th 2006 Travelodge Hotel
I think I finally get it. I think hes just not into me (I stole that one) lol
Have I turned a blind eye to one too many things? Maybe. Probably.
I called b4 I left, called an hour b4 reached my destination, when I got there, again after 20 min of my phone being silent. Called when I was at the hotel. Checked my email and... nothing.
Ever get that feeling of impending doom? Well I got it, got it in a bad way. I got that feeling at the hour prior to arrival call.

It was raining and the soft sniffling sounds I was making was masked by the sound or rain coming down and cars driving fast over wet raods. Thank goodness my friend didnt notice and asked me what was wrong cz I wouldnt have been able to keep it together. Which incidently was my mantra for a little while there. 'Keep it together' 'keep it together' 'keep it together'

lol dont think it worked too well in the keeping it together part. But considering... I think I did well.

Got to Swiss Chalet and almost lost it in front of the bartender inside. I ask him to recommend a hotel or 3 with reasonable rates in the area (HA! like hed know rates, he doesnt stay in a hotel in the city he lives in!!) I also ask him to call a cab for me.. Look at me... all uneasy, teary, lost and confused and Im making demands on strangers. I cant be that far gone now can I? lol
He calls one for me and while im waiting go in the ladies room and look in the mirror , yup. Looking good with no one to share it with... minus the red eyes, flushed skin and puffy lips. Yeah my lips looked puffy or is it thats darker? oh well. another day and id say hot, that time?? easily seduced lol

I get out and see the cab pull up and I wave to the bartender goodbye and say thanks, turn, walk out and slide into the leather seats of the cab. If it werent raining and overcast, I was foolishly considering sitting out on a park bench all night star gazing and mentally kicking my ass since that isnt possible. Is it?? Luckily, it was raining and overcast.

Went to the first Hotel. The travelodge. Had the cab wait while I went in to check rates. I knew hed keep the meter running. Talked to the Front Desk Agent named Evelyn... who happens to be from the Phillippines... like meeeeeeeeee. Maybe Id catch a break. I asked her how much it was for a night, over a hundred. UNTIL... dun dun dunnnn she asked me if I was Philippino. I smiled and replied yes... in the end I paid 97$ taxes in for one night. She had reserved theroom in case I wanted to stay for 2 nights to hold that same rate. Ill have to pay that forward. My cab was about 20 inc the tip.

OH about the accent... I totally forgot about doing it. So ... ill save that for another day.

six

Ok well, good morning... in some parts of the world its good. lol This morning for me, not so good, considering tha past 24 hours of my life.

Lets see... good things to note about this morning
- continental breakfast was good, though bacon and eggs and pancakes would be better lol
- I was hit on by a couple of guys ... now you must understand that it was 7am in the morning when I went down for breakfast, wearing... easy boys.. not a negligee... though I should have. Im not at home or anywhere near it what would have happened?? ill add that to the list of things to do in life lol Sorry back to what I was wearing... a black tank top and a black skirt. Yes it was a short one and yes the tank top was tiny. No wonder they hit on me lol how many half naked ladies come to have breakfast?? Anyhoo.. small ego boost for the morning
- I actually slept well, after venting out on paper the goings on of the whole trip. I didnt even finish. Ill share what I wrote later when im not on a time limit.
- Im alive and breathing and have no urge to wreck someone else day... for the moment

I usually try to edit and write things ut better but youre getting the unedited version of events and thoughts.

Im about a 10 min drive to the Greyhound Bus Station and I had the front desk print me out schedules of trips to Ottawa. Im looking at roughly 100$ Oh well.. its just money right? We'll get to the financials in another post. Its in the Scarborough Town Center. Wherever that is.. apparently 10 min from where I am.

OH!! Ill share a bummer... usually they are really busy here at this hotel on weekends with sporting teams.. ages ranging from 15-35. Just my luck that there are no teams here (preferably older than younger) that I may forget my troubles. Promiscuity will be on another post as well. I have much thoughts on that issue. Double standard as it might be... or not. Dont make conclusions yet about me with only the above sentences please! yeesh quick on the draw or what? lol

Tangent.

Ok ... so my plan?... wait til the mall opens... walk away my negative thoughts and buy my happiness :) I was thinking I might get my hair cut? Who knows. I might dip into 'the fund'. I may not. We'll see how frugal or generous I am feeling.

I think what hurts the most about this whole thing is that I dont want it to crush my spirit. Im usually way too nice, naive and gullible. There. Ive bared a part of me. Im working on it, though I may be naive, im cautious. Safety first. I dont want to turn jaded about things in life because of some bad experiences. I dont want this to affect any future relationships. I dont think it will. But you never know these days.

I could always turn this whole trip into a whole new adventure... which is what I would do financial situation aside and hope that those boys were in town (sports teams as mentioned above) lol THAT and not having a travel case with me to lug around.

Anyhoo. Im still upset, but feeling better that I can vent out a little bit. Though I think I can use some more angry words and name calling :) Im working on my not so nice side.

Dont worry men... I havent given up hope. Oh wait thats for the women.. I havent given up hope. For you men, watch out. :) Theres one of me and so many of you.

Hope everyones weekend is much better than mine. I thought a little bit.. seems that ive been having lots of thoughts lately. Too bad I cant focus and direct it all properly. Or is that supposed to be that way. Just have random thoughts and ideas with no real outcome? Oh well. Thats another topic I guess. Oh yes, my thought... almost lost it there :) lol I was thinking that no matter how bad the last 24 hours have been. Its not all bad. I mean, there are other people who are having a worse past 24 hours than I have and some that are having a blast. Id say im closer to the bad, but all in all... still doing well.

I havent been mugged, fondled (unwanted fondling that is) or on my deathbed. Im alive, dressed to kill. A girl has to look good even in the face of... yukkiness!

I guess I can say that my day will be an adventure... lol Its a little bit of a stretch to say the mall is an adventure. Too bad I didnt speak the language here lol THEN I can call it an adventure.

PLAN. I think to liven up my day at the mall... Ill give myself an accent. A British/Australian accent. I cant figure out which one im doing when Im doing it so I combined them together lol

Ill fill you in on the day later on. Send me good thoughts.

Have a beautiful day :)

five

Friday night, at the Travelodge Hotel on Markham rd. Alone. No other person, no man. Just me, myself and I. No one here to meet me. No one returned my calls. No one returned my email.

Im sad, pissed off and feeling a little violent. I need an outlet and I left my diary at home so I am choosing to vent here. Im paying to use their internet access. Im paying for the hotel room. I paid for the cab ride here. All the while fighting back tears, to which I lose the battle. They are falling. Ive been using Swiss Chalet cocktail napkins. Nothing glamorous about this trip I tell you.

I have less than a minute b4 I have to add more money. I think ill leave this as it is for now and continue later on. Dont worry Ill still have plenty of mad left in me.

four

Im getting nervous about this weekend. 3 days and 3 nights with one person, one man. Is that long enough for them to see my bad habits? As they show up Ill share them with you Im just nervous, excited as well. The next few days holds so much promise and room for adventures of the mind, body and soul. Just take it easy on my heart please.

Im kinda freaking out a little in my head. Thinking, what did you get yourself into now? Thinking of different scenarios that might play out and how id react to them. Oh who am I trying to impress aside from said man who I want to like me.. a lot. Yeesh, get over it girl! Some will, some wont! Next!! (just something I tell myself sometimes that applies to anyone your in a relationship with, no matter the type of relationship.)

Ill just be my ever charming and social self, what else can I be? If that doesnt work out then.. at least I know that I didnt put up a facade of any sort. Be true to myself... and I wonder... whats not to love? :)

Im typing this and thinking of how I shouldnt have bitten my nails. Darn it. I dont always bite my nails. I used to do it a lot when I was younger. Now my left hand has nice pretty girly, feminine nails and the right one are at a decent length. But no where near as appealing as the other :) The things I worry about lol. Sometimes I wonder about the bubble ive created for myself.

Im out of here in about 30 min to get started on getting things ready for the weekend. I know at some point Ill think I have no time for anything but will eventually get it all done. Such is the nature of the beast.

Send me good thoughts please :) and thank you
Cheers

three

Results of restlessness... I cried to let it out. I had no other outlet other than that. I wasnt able to work it out physically, mentally I couldnt focus to backtrack to see where it stemmed from. I was overwhelmed.. with what? A little bit of everything, making it all snowball until tears run down my face. Im not devastated about anything, not ecstatic over anything. I was smiling through it, feeling like there was an excess of ... (fill in appropiate word) like all around me I could see the beauty of it... life The trees standing tall and proud, birds flying high... soaring, gliding, free. People up and about, going on with their day. Dealing with their own degree of restlessness and life.

It didnt last long.. just enough to make me see clearer, think better and the thought that ended it, "its over. Time to keep going." Which I did cz the world and life will go on with or without me. Who likes being left behind? Keep up if you can, stay ahead to compete.

Just got home from the premiere of the Cirque Du Soleil - Quidam. I hear its a great show. I wasnt able to see it. I hope that they can squeeze me in for a show, Ill stay hopeful, they are here for 6 weeks and some days they have 2 shows. (cross fingers, legs and arms for me please) Prices for tickets run from 80-120 Gen seating. Then theres VIP passes where theres free beverages of choice, appetizers, foodstuffs etc. in the Tapis Rouge - which is where I was from 10-1ish. Opening night Gala. It was a blast even though I had to work it. Remind me to tell you about the atmosphere in there lol

From 6-10 I was bartending in the beer tent. The weather of course took a turn for the worse when the doors opened to let guests inside. Sales were down, it was slow. I enjoy the busy rush of high on life drinkers who flirt and... flirt well. That wasnt apparent this evening. Oh well, you cant win them all.

I hear that the Cirque du Soleil is the most organized operation there is in that industry lol. Ill have to verify that somehow. Some of the souvenirs there are beautiful, masks, jewelry, posters, cds and more. They even had purses and bags made from material used from the tent. I guess when a part of the tent itself starts to deteriorate, they fashion them into purses and sell them. I prefer the elaborate masks made with feathers, covering the upper half of anyones face. I was thinking of getting one of them so I have something to wear at a masked ball.

REALITY CHECK- Ive never been to a masked ball and wouldnt know where they held them or who I need to cozy up with to be invited to one... wishful thinking at its best lol

Its early Friday morning now. I have to be up in about 4.5-5 hours if I want to make it into work on time... which I do cz Id also like to leave early (for all the errands and packing for the long weekend) It wouldnt look good if I was late... AND wanted to leave early, would it? lol Have to make sure to set the alarm on my cell. Ive yet to purchase an actual alarm clock. Hey! it works!! lol

Ill forgo the urge to crack the spine on a book I havent read yet. Ill save it for later. some things (like sleep) is more important...at this time.

two

Ever have that restless feeling like you cant stay seated for any length of time? Like you just have to be moving about, Trying to see what else is happening around you, whether youre at home or at work, sitting in a bus, in your car or laying in bed?

Im there.

So what do I do about it? I decide to talk about it and dissect the feeling into what caused it and the many effects it might have. Already Im munching on a cracker while I type, its hanging half out of my mouth and I try not to smile for fear of crumbs all over the keyboard. Ive already walked around work here chatting with some co-workers about their plans for the long weekend. Im a little jealous that everyone has something to do. I never feel like I have anything to do. I think Im boring .. but I guess I feel that way only when I have nothing to do :) Hence the thinking and the negative thoughts. lol Gotta make my own adventures :)

Like I said in ONE... im going away for the long weekend. Surprisingly, something is happening in my life, that doesnt involve work. I wonder how people just happen to make plans. I know its a strange thing to think of. Things happen all the time.. decide to go do things. Maybe Im just not interested in a lot of things. Maybe Ive overthought things thus casting things aside. Or things just dont interest me enough for me to go and make plans? who knows. I cant figure it out :) I wont expect anyone else to. Just babbling away.

Im somewhat amused by all that ive written. Does significance of anything matter? what really matters? what is significant? what is happening? is whats happening significant? and who is significant to? and so on and so forth. and finally... the question that starts it all over again ... why?

Ever wonder if theres someone out there that just totally gets you? Someone who knows that its ok to have fucked up thoughts about things... people, life and sex? ( among other things) Someone that wont look at you one day and say "that is disturbing.. you need help". Someone that knows that even though its thought of and maybe talked about in private, doesnt mean that I walk down that path daily?

I wonder.

Im in a mood to contemplate the world, my world, and how it fits within the confines of ... well... yours. Is there room?

Ill let you know the outcome of all this restlessness

One

I feel like I have to give out a bio on myself before I start to 'blog for real'. Welcome to my little curve of the cloud!! Not sure what protocol is but I think ill just take things at they come. I want to share and discuss and inform. On what? a wide array of people, places and things. .. plus whatever topic comes about.

Yesterday was a long day made longer by the fact that when I got home. I decided to start reading a book, which I didnt close and put down until I was finished with it. Fantasy fiction which Ive recently gotten into in a big way. Ill get the name and author for you at my next entry. Sleeping at midnight isnt so bad, but when youre playing catch up with it :) not such a smart idea to finish a book cover to cover. Have I learnt my lesson?? ... cant say that I have.

Today, the weather is overcast and has been like that for what seems like forever but its roughly been a week. Im tired of the drab color of the world without sun, the wet, the rain. I appreciate the need for rain, to nourish, feed and cleanse. I miss the heat, the need for sunlight, for brightness and color. Plus, I like wearing skirts and sandals and dresses and tank tops. Things that can be worn when it rains, but would be more comfortable on a nice hot and sunny day :)

Another long day for me. ETA for being home is late evening, early morning. Looking forward to it. Must get other things done as well but might have to put it off until tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I think Ill leave work early and run errands, pack and get ready for the long weekend. Im going out of town to meet a friend. What kind of friend? Someone who makes me think of the future and sharing it.

But who knows what life will bring today, tomorrow, next week, month or year.
Cheers :)