thirty seven- first impressions

Im feeling excited and a bit anxious. I want to know if we fit, if we get along, if we are compatible, if we this that and the other. NOW, I am not expecting anything but to enjoy myself and get to know someone else. Those things will cross my mind and in the first 5-10 minutes sadly to say I will know if there is any kind of future. Future for what? Who knows? friend, lover, friend of convenience etc... Time will tell.

Im not sure if there are people who will admit to that first initial meeting of 2 people, knowing within minutes how the relationship will turn out. I cant even be sure myself BUT... I know that first impressions do count for a lot.I dress well. I dress to look good for me first of all, then my partner second. I prefer to look good always, even when there is no said partner in the picture. I enjoy a man who looks well put together. He has to wear the clothes and not the other way around no matter which end of the spectrum he may buy from. Now I will wear shorts and t-shirts and less attractive clothing for say laundry and cleaning lol

NOTE I still look good in my shorts and tshirts. May not be suitable for some places lol but its me who wears the clothes not the other way around. So first impressions do count. Please remember that, when you are going out to meet someone, anyone.

I may be 26 and consider myself pretty modern but I do appreciate the gentlemanly ways of doors being held open, standing to meet me at the table and when I leave to go to the ladies room etc. I am afterall, A Lady. I prefer courteous and well mannered men. Men that are able to have great long conversations on things that I might or might not have personal experience with. Whether it be golf, Europe or Wall Street. Exchanging thoughts, ideas and even the odd debate on certain things.

Flirting is an art. I appreciate and enjoy a person who can flirt. Ill say no more on that. Self explanatory really.

I appreciate a man who isnt intimidated by silence. Someone that is comfortable with himself. Most importantly someone that is honest. I understand some lives are more complicated than others. I dont mind talking about them and giving my two cents if asked. I dont expect people to lay their whole story before me, but at the same time I dont mind talking about my life. Me? Im pretty much an open book.

Hmmmm... what was the point of this post??

thirty six - eyes wide open

I dont understand it myself. I used to think that I had a type, turns out that I really dont. I enjoy men. All types. I do have some things that I prefer, as we all do. Please do not try to deny it. Some things are just dealbreakers for some of us. For some its height, some weight, some attitude, some scent...and the list goes.

It was like a wake up call. I opened my eyes one morning after a long pleasant sleep and imbedded in my mind, I understood that there is something attractive about every single person. Men and women. That day and the days that followed were done with a quiet observance of people around me.

Not only was I still interested in certain types. I now looked at everyone differently. Trying to look around what would ordinarily make me look at the next person. I would stay with one and think, hmmm I wouldnt normally be interested, but the way that his jawline attracts my eye, or the way his hair is styled, the way he looks at someone ion the eye instead of anywhere else, how they move, smell and sometimes feel.

It really opened my eyes. I was happy and yet at the same time a little worried. Now that I was able to see people for what made them attractive to me. I tend to see someone and think Hmmm I wonder about him. More so than I did before. More fish in the sea lol Kinda opened up a box expecting one or two things.. and instead find way more than I expected.

This teaches me a few of things. A- I have to be more in control of myself. B - I have to figure out what it is I really am looking for C - How to look deeper into the attraction , see if theres anything thereD - be careful always. So much that my mind was opened to that one morning.

On a more frivolous and self indulgent note, I got a new pair of shoes Ill try to get a shot of it somehow, they are pretty. Not as high as I would like, but they are still fabulous.

thirty five - attraction

I lay in bed the other night over clean sheets and had a light blanket over me. I was fresh from the shower. It was a long day and found that I could not fall asleep. My mind was busy thinking. Thinking of what? I honestly cannot say I thought of one subject in particular. So many thoughts that werent focused or detailed. So many events that have taken place and have yet to take place. Relationships with my family, friends and coworkers. How they came to be, how things currently are and what will happen in the future. Really, my mind was all over the place.

I was almost tempted to write about it, then. Whether to post about it right away in here, in the moment, let my fingers fly over the keyboard, or in my notebook. Try to capture the different thoughts and ideas zooming around in my head. What stopped me from doing just that? The fact that I wanted to sleep. I dislike playing catch up with sleep and wasnt on planning on getting behind on it. I have a nagging feeling that I should have let my fingers fly and let my fingers decide what to capture. Like catching fireflies, jumping in the air, clapping hands together, trapping it gently in between cupped palms and to be deposited into a jar, the post.

Have you ever had that feeling that you have taken on more than you can handle? I focused on that. I am single. I currently dont have a steady relationship. I did up until the end of last year. (not sure that would qualify as a relationship) *shudder* I prefer it this way, being single. For now.I am just dating, not seeing anyone seriously. Just meting new people for coffees, drinks, lunch dinner or movies. There seems to be a number of them. Some I see more than others some have nowhere to go. Theres nothing to look forward to so I dont see them again.

I have other things that I would liketo enjoy. Such as the other fish in the sea. Anyone familiar with that movie called Love potion #9? With Sandra Bullock? LOL There is some similarity to what I feel is happening. Like the movie it was by choice that she was garnering attention from men. Albeit with the use of a potion. I on the other hand just have myself, sans potion. Which is pretty powerful on its own. Being a woman.

My choice to attract men. I dress to attract. I prefer dressing my body in what is flattering for me. Which in turn enhances my confidence because of the fact that I like how I look and know that other people notice me. Sometimes I dont even realie it but thats ok. Great fabulous cycle!! Cant hurt to feed the ego sometimes. Though there are other times no matter how impeccably I am dressed, Im feeling down. Oh well, such is life. Its true though. Look good, feel good. Aside from looking good and feeling comfortable and confident in your own clothes. Personality plays a large role in attraction and I admit that I like the way I interact with people, not to mention the response I get. Never in malice, always polite and courtious. Always interested and very animated in conversation.

When asked what it is I am looking for by anyone. I cant say what it is because I dont know. Which is an honest answer like all my answers are.

Ill have to think on that some more.

I always wonder sometimes what else I could do for the person I am with to make myelf more attractive in their eyes. Barring surgery. I mean maybe adding a pair of thigh highs? wearing glasses? Lets clear something up here. I dont ask that question in vain. I ask because I enjoy it when I know that something that I do or say or wear turns someone on. Or gives them that, wow, just that on you or when you say that its excited and sexy. I do enjoy pleasing someone even if it something as simple as wearing say, stilletos lol which I also enjoy. lol

Point is when I am with someone. I dont mind dressing to impress. Ill always be me inside. Its the 'act' that I dont mind putting on for him to make the experience that much more, intimate. (sometimes it isnt even an act) It just works out that way.

LOL Im not sure if im making sense anymore.

thirty four - update

Update on the weekend man.

We are talking again, not as much as we used to. I am holding him at arms length. He knows it and feels it. I have been very honest with him. I am not waiting for him to change, I dont want him to. I just want him. Want his arms around me, bodies touching, playing and just be together. Ok that was my libido talking. NOTE: I want him for other reasons that doesnt just involve my libido.

I have been honest with him and have told him that I am going out and meeting people. He had a feeling I would have. He knows I have .. needs and said that I am young and beautiful, that I am sensual and didnt have a claim on me.

NOTE: I am not a model. Men say things when they are in trouble.. or very aroused :) lol

*** Does that mean he does want a claim? OR... is that his way of saying that I can do what I want to seeing as we are not together? LOL I am so naive. *** Oh well back to doing my thing.

The thing is. I think he gets off knowing that Ive been with other men. It turns him on to no end. I dont know how I feel about this. He wants to know the details of what transpires in my night spent with them. I have talked to him about it and felt a little embarrassed and yet I know that it is helping me to be bolder and more confident when talking about subjects with a sexual nature. (im shy... so I need the help in talking about it) lol

Which brings me to the question. Am I telling him because I know he gets turned on by it? or because I know im learning from it? maybe both. Why not both? OR could there be other reasons? hmmmm things to think about.

Now like I said were not talking as much as before. I dont mind that anymore. I am still doing as I please. Seeing other people for this and that. It is a wait and see for me. I will not be idle and wait. I have my own adventures to create. It is all a learning experience for me. I have my doubts and fears but I also have the want for more, more what? Why limit myself to certain things. More of everything.

thirty three - confession

Confession

I wish I would write something captivating, even if its just a post on a blog. I say this because I am captivated by some blogs that I happen to come by. What is it that holds me captive? Is it their writing style? or their story? When I read them, Im in awe of some of their stories. I want to offer kind, uplifting words of support, I want to hug them and get to know them and be there for them, I know im different. I dont know these people aside from what they choose to share. So anonymous, so far removed from me and yet I feel a need to be a part of their lives somehow.

Well, it could also be that I think my life is boring and that I enjoy seeing other peoples adventures and reading about their days, their thoughts, hopes and dreams.. Its all relative right? Someone can be reading what I write and think WOW that was fun, Others might think its just another blog big whoop. Im ok again.I think here, at this time...I have to remind myself that I can make things happen in my life. I dont have to wait for things to happen. I can create something, start the wheels in motion and see where it leads.

Nothing ventured nothing gained.
You never know if you never ask.
No pain, No gain.
You reep what you sow.

twenty eight - Kissing

For some reason I missed post #28, here it is out of place and just like a kiss, can happen anywhere and has no timeline that it follows

Kissing Explained

A first kiss should always be done while the two of you are alone. This will help to avoid any unnecessary nervousness and embarrassing situations. The best type of kiss is one that uses different variations... such as starting with a small kiss, working into a French Kiss, maybe sucking on your partner's upper or lower lip... And don't just leave kisses to the lips. Kiss their cheeks, their chin or their eyelids. This can be very seductive and romantic. Unique.

My personal thoughts on kissing. I like it, I enjoy it, I dont do enough of it. Its sweet, its intimate and can be soft and gentle or rough and demanding. I enjoy all sorts of ways a kiss can be delivered, like chaste, passionate, wet, lingering, quick and seering or long and hungry.

Sometimes, specially if its the first time kissing someone, Ill be a little tentative and follow their lead. I like to find out how they kiss before I begin to tailor my kiss to theirs to make it FANTABULOUS!! Im all for making it the best experience for us both. Not just myself.

I like the barely touching of lips, brushing back and forth against each other, tongues shy and tentative, peeking out every so often to taste and feel your lip, press my tongue inside your mouth and run it along your inner lip. Feel how that touch makes me want more, how your tongue comes out and meets mine and let them dance shyly. I flick my tongue, run it against the inside of your lower lip and take your lower lip into my mouth, sucking gently, my tongue licking, tugging, with your lip in between my teeth, I tug and pull away letting my teeth slide and eventually hearing the pop of your lips release.

Id tilt my head more to the side and wait for the press of your lips to mine and feel our mouths opening, feel tongues gliding against each other and feel your gentle exploration, teasing with suggestive motions. Then I wrap my lips around ur tongue and take it in and out of my mouth as I would other parts of your body, slow and gentle at first and pull it into my mouth deeper without it being uncomfortable.... I Like Kissing.

thirty two - what I want to happen

"What is it that you want to happen? Anyway, I can understand you being impatient. I hope what ever it is you are looking for will happen soon. Best of luck. ;-) " Brewster

Holy Goddess! What a good question. What is it I want to happen? *blush* (shuffles feet, looking down , then turning my eyes up) say 'I dont know' BUT if im honest. Something, anything. It feels like theres something just out of my reach and I cant get to it. So I want to hurry things along. Is that what I should be doing? rushing? or should I take my time and analyse everything? Sneak up on that something just out of my reach and make a mad grab for it :)

Impatient for the next adventure, the next challenge, the next friend, the next job , the next vacation , the next great story, next orgasm, next toy, next moment of pleasure and pain and laughter and tears... Cant wait for it all.

What Do I want first? Im not picky. I just want it to happen whatever it is so I can wrap my mind around it, take it all in, fight it, learn it, understand it, know it, be it, then become better because of it.

Ever beein involved with someone or some project that totally consummed you? Poured your heart and soul into it and knew every inch, crevice, thought, nuances, habits, outcomes? I havent, or have I? Maybe not to the extent that Im thinking. We are all a little consummed. That might be too intense for someone. Im willing to lose myself with someone. Who? I dunno. When? no rush. If it never happens, that's ok. I enjoy the thoughts of it.

Things dont have to happen all the time. Just the thought of the possibility is great. Hmmm take an orgasm. I think of it and enjoy the thought of having one. Will it happen? maybe ,maybe not. Time is a variable factor. The joy of possibility is the many ways that it can come about. I wont go into details lol Im sure you all know how to get, or atleast go about getting one. Doesnt tht get you a bit? just thinking about it? THATS what I mean. Enjoy the thoughts, the many different ways to get it and share it

Well. To answer the question,I still dont know what I want :) But I know im thinking of the many possible ways to get an orgasm lol Seeing as I am at work, I will be thinking of the time when its not just possible but a reality lol

thirty one - moments

I want to get away. Go away and leave behind all that I know, to go somewhere where I can start over. I know im not the only one that feels this way. We all have moments where that idea seems like the answer. Is it? Maybe one day, ill have enough courage to actually do it. See if it is the answer. I wont know until I try it.

Do I have issues? more so than some and less so than others. I think its all relative and all in how you see things. Some days it seems like Ive got everything under control, work, bills, men, life, money etc. Other days it feels like how did I ever let things get this way?? All in perspective Darling.

Today, its more of a fresh start away from the things and people that keep me down, away from the people that hold onto my ankle rendering me unable to climb. Maybe im looking at it all wrong. Maybe they are there to help me? By making me go though challenges that will help me in life? I dont know. Its better to think that way instead of maybe they are here to keep me down and infect me with their negativity. I dont want to be negative, I want to be who I am. I dont want to be tainted by their feelings of angst, vanity and selfishness among other things.


Thats the problem with the way I think... I can go either way. Think that the problem is a blessing in disguise. OR is it really a wolf in sheeps clothing? I dont know.

Today Im losing the fight. Im throwing in the towel. Take me where you will. I just dont care. All my work feels like its gone nowhere. I see no meaning in my life. No future in the way it is heading. Where did all this negative feelings come from? One person. Someone close to me. If I have nothing good to say about someone I shouldnt say anything at all right? Ill be silent now then and hope that this feeling passes...like all moments do... this too shall pass.

LATER, Ill have to post something that makes me feel good :)

thirty - weekend

What I did over the weekend.

Put in time in cyberspace. The usual email, surfed, started a couple of posts etc.

Talked on my cell with various people.

Went shopping with my sister. Got a few halter tops. 4 to be exact and a corset type halter.

Went to see The Lakehouse and Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift. I enjoyed them both. The first movie was a bit slow. But nice concept. Kind of a cross between Serendipity and Sliding Doors. Tokyo Drift was fun, lots of loud music and cool driving sequences.

Read a couple of books, full of sex, ok not full but enough lol Sappy feel good books

Took the dogs out for a lot of walks. Enjoyed the weather

Went and read my book at Mooneys Bay. Tanned topless... face down lol No free show!! lol

Went out for drinks on Sunday evening for Italian week with a friend and her dad. That was fun.

Thought a lot about where I am in life and what im doing with it. Just had a lot of thinking to do. Not much action taken in change. But it takes time for that to happen. Im a thinker.

Oh and my Visa has no balance on it YAYYYY lol

hope everyones weekend was eventful.

twenty nine - Jealousy

What is the point of being jealous? I have moments when I get jealous. I admit it. I think what I try to do with it is roll around in it, get my fill, laugh and poke fun at myself for feeling that way. Then I use that jealousy and try to find out why it is im jealous and figure out a way to use that and turn it into something productive for myself. Cz really it is all about me when it comes to jealousy. Its not about you, him or her. Its about me and my issues.

Say I see another woman who is gorgeous. (when im having bad day everyone looks better than I do lol) I wallow for a bit and then think ok why did I feel that way? cz im in a bad mood and why am I in a bad mood, (insert reason) What do I do to make me feel better (insert pie in the sky smart ass comment here) lol then really (insert proper and honest answer here) then I think Ok, well. Im not that bad (start process of building myself up) I may not look like that but I look like me and no ones ever pointed and laughed at me (in a while lol JK) I think, I dont want to be them. They might have a worse hand than Ive been dealt with. Ill stick with mine and just change what it is that bothers me. Like say my weight. Ok solution for that, work out and eat healthy. Overall benefits, weight loss, healthier system, and look better which will make me feel better.

The list goes on, basically thinking... if they can look like that? why cant I? If they can do that? why cant I? and there isnt any reason that I couldnt be and do anything :) The world is all right again my rose colored glasses are back, perched on my nose. Watch out world Ive arrived!

Then the green eyed monster vanishes. For some people, they arent able to make anything good come out of their jealousy, they dont want to accept it, understand it and do something productive with it. I think its simpler my way and a little more enlightning.

I know this part will seem a bit self absorbed. I wonder if people ever look at me and feel jealous for some reason or another? lol Oh well. Its like back in HS I wanted to know who had a crush on me. Why? just to know. Im too curious for my own good, I carry around burn cream *wink*

twenty seven - Being a Woman

As a woman, are there things that are ingrained in me at birth that I should know? As far as information. I guess it is all learned or is it??

Take for example. Pantyhose. Ive never been a fan. I think cz when I was younger I was forced to wear these garments of torture by the ones that I thought loved me They were horrible. They were available in all sorts of colors (the pantyhose, not the ones that I thought loved me) The ones I hated with a passion, before I realized what passion was, was this pair of itchy body socks lol I mean either go all the way up my stomach, or they kept creeping to my knees. Who wants that? So its just basically itchy and not at all comfortable. UNLESS of course you enjoy rubbing your legs together in an effort to wear them away to threads so that they inevitable fall apart on your person.SO, Ive never enjoyed them and they seem so restricting.

Present time... I did see a pair that had some.... breathing room if you will. In a certain area, thought 'hmmm, interesting' But still not a big fan. Will go into that more later when I remember. lol

Some time ago I bit the bullet and purchased a few pairs of this and that in order to familiarize myself with the hated 'body socks'. They remain still in their original packaging :) lol Maybe waiting for an occasion where it is an absolute MUST that I cover my nice ,smooth, tanned and sexy legs. Havent had the opportunity. UNTIL recently.

Being a woman of 26. I decided that I must try it and finally figure out what I like and dont like. Opened a box of pantyhose. So far so good. Im fresh out of the shower. Fresh canvas if you will. Standing, holding it out in front of me, gather up one leg in between my fingers like you so often see women do in films. I think, this is kinda sexy. Too bad I dont have an audience lol I slip my foot in and hmmm its nice, soft and comfortable, no signs of the itch factor, in fact, I dont get the itch factor at all after donning this sheer pantyhose. I stand up and look at myself in the mirror. Looks different. Makes my legs look shiny, giving it the.. sheen, Kinda sexy if I admit it.

Then comes the reason for this post.I stand looking at myself with a puzzled expression. Not knowing who to ask for fear of the laugh and point response ill get, much less How to ask someone. I think hmmm this is new. I begin to question myself as a woman. If I dont know this then what else dont I know? And the things that I do know. What happens if they arent correct and proper?? Basically this pair of pantyhose made me question a lot of things. I was thinking how do I not know this? Shouldnt I know this? Ive heard you can do it either way. But really. Are you supposed to wear your panties inside or outside the pantyhose???

twenty six - erotica

Erotica, I read it. Im into it. I enjoy it. Id like to write it. Id like to live it What does that mean?

Id say im pretty 'normal' lol (who knows) Personally, at this pont in my life, I dont have tastes that run towards the pain and violent type of relations. I have and do enjoy the pleasure where pleasure meets pain. Thats something Id like to explore more of. Anyhoo, enough about that.

Erotica. I wonder how people get started writing it. Where do they get thier ideas, plots, characters. Just like any writer would I gather. They are all authors. Just have different topics to write about lol.

I think one day Ill try my hand at writing erotica. I dont know how it will turn out. I have this image of me in front of a computer thinking of what to write, trying to be original and All I can think of to write are my sexual experiences. Dont get me wrong they would still be a page turner lol BUT ... who knows. To each his own.

Add writing erotica on the list of things to do in life... while im at it... write out some of my sexual escapades with it. Why Not? One day Ill be older and Ill want to relive my youth and high sex drive. What better way than to read about it so I can transport myself back in time, albeit in the confines of my mind, into the backseat of my car, the movie theaters, the numerous hotels, my bedroom , their bedrooms, the many different rooms (see it works already Im in memory lane and some of that just happened) LOL Cant wait to read it a few years from now... where I will either say, what happened to that girl? Where did that wild one go. OR OMG that was tame. We'll see what reaction Ill have later in life.

Looking forward to it :)

OH the event last night. Beaver Boxing... or something or another event to raise money for... Sadly I wasnt paying attention. lol So beaver boxing... I know, it sounds like 2 naked chicks duking it out in the ring.. YOU WISH! Great night to meet and mingle. Lots of great people in different industries to rub elbows with. A lot of fun was had by all. I did a lot of rubbing as well. Due to the way tables were set up they were all placed close together. Moving around and in between them was disaster. I rubbed a lot of ass, hips and thighs across a great many shoulders, arms and... other body parts. No one seemed to mind. It was fun. Lots of teasing, lots of idle hands, lingering stares and plenty of flirting to go around. YAY for 90% male attendance lol

Great night. I always wonder if I can go up to people in an event where I am working and hit on them Ive never been the hitter... only the hittee (rare as that is). Maybe its supposed to be that way... make it seem like they are the ones on the prowl lol when really its me letting them prowl. Did that make sense?

Anyhoo... I enjoyed working there.. Maybe next year Ill be in attendance as a guest rather than be working the event. Add that on the list of things to do :)

twenty five - sleep

Im tired. I am playing catch up with sleep and im on the losing end. I fell asleep on someone while I was having a conversation with them. You know who you are. If indeed you read this. Who knows :) Hmm I also tripped and almost fell to my hurt lol down the stairs to my room. Thank God for hand rails, not just for the elderly but also for sleep deprived souls such as I.

The worse thing and I will admit is that I drove while very sleepy. Didnt cause any accidents. I did shake myself away enough to get home safely. I know, not very good of me, Im glad and I thank the Goddess that I was being watched over by the angels :)

So plan for this Friday night after work. Not painting the town red, not planning on getting sloshed nor will I keep a willing gentleman up at all hours using and abusing his body in ways only I know how to do But Ill be tucked nicely in bed, under the covers all warm and toasty. Well, thats the plan anyway and you know that the best laid plans always.... and If something does come up then well.. Ill have to decide what to do then wont I... Ill make sure not to drive :) rest assured your loved ones and people you dont know will be safe from my sleep deprived state.

OH yeah remind me to talk about pantyhose and stay ups if I forget to talk about them.

twenty four- Sexy shoes

So far today, I look sexy lol and its all thanks to the shoes im wearing, they are great, I can walk in them and I feel comfy and most importantly..I feel sexy in them. Like instant confidence in a pair of shoes. These are black, strappy and attaches around my ankle.. showing nice small ankles and the sexy arch of my foot. (Those with foot fetishes drool away lol)No fellas... easy.... I am not JUST wearing the shoes. Though that would be EXTRA sexy .. nothing but these shoes...maybe a matching set of br...sorry ... Tangent. Yeah lol Ill have to spring that look on some unsuspecting target of a man. Ok so the restof me is covered in black.. yes.. every piece of clothing is black. I match :) Black warpparound top, low cut and very revealing, black a-line fitted skirt, and yes the undergarments are matching... and finally the shoes, oh the shoes!!! It almost makes me want to walk up to a man and have my way with him. lol

I dont feel sexy with every pair of shoes and I think NOW I understand why some women have shoe madness. Because they feel the sexy confidence that comes with a hot pair of shoes. Which in turn makes me, who is currently attached to said pair of hot sexy shoes, want to shop in a shoe store and buy similar kinds of shoes that brings out this hot sexy feeling of confidence. Which will gimme that all consumming feeling of sex appeal, which will make me want to get another pai... Oh the cycle!!! Do I want to break the cycle? No.. but ... the sane reasonable voice of my Visa statement is screaming that If I buy one more pair of shoes ill break the bank. (not really but thats what I tell myself to sway me from buying new shoes lol)

Now is NOT the time for me to FULLY appreciate the value of a good pair of shoes. Oh to work where shoes are free lol Timing is everything I guess.

Theres my shoe diary entry lol (not sure how often Ill have a shoe entry... whenever one entices some strong emotion im sure) sex in a shoe lmao not enough space but packs a punch :)

Next time you see a woman with great shoes on, make sure to comment on them.. watch how she smiles and they might even have a silly smile on their face. Shes thinking of how sexy they make her feel and of the things the shoes want her to do that she might not ordinarily do.

twenty three- new

Well this is a new one. Im like a pendulum. From one end to the other.

I met an older gentleman. He was looking for something and I was interested, intrigued and curious in being what he was looking for. What was he looking for? In essence and in truth a companion. (there are other words to describe what hes looking for but I thought companion was best suited) Something long term and on an ongoing basis. Why am I considering the offer? Why not? If it didnt satisfy me to induldge in... this, then there wouldnt be a point in me considering it. Its on going and long term which isnt a one night rendezvous. I like to have some form of continuity with the men in my life.

Im not sure if I should go into detail as to what weve discussed. However its not all under the midnight moon that the meetings will take place. Not all meetings will be of a physical nature. Though im sure the undertones will be present.

Its something that may never again come across my lap, so I think I will jump in and enjoy. I dont think it will be perfect and I know Ill be challenged in ways I might never have been. But I look forward to learning about myself and the lines, boundaries and grey areas around me. Im also curious by nature and this give me an in as to why people do the things they do, myself included. The things I do for research.

I hope I havent offended anyone in my search for possible knowledge, understanding and of course pleasure etc...

I am nervous and excited, which is a great feeling. Walking into an experience knowing that I am in control (to an extent) and that at times that control will be relinquished leaving me with a raw vulnerablility to someone (after my nerves have been appeased)... Tangent, sorry.

I learn something from every experience. Whether its a good or bad one. I look forward to the experiences that are in my near and present future.

I could go on and on in this post. Ill leave it as is. An introduction to a new chapter in my life. Will it actually become something? or was it all hot air? Im not sure. Im willing to find out and live out these experences. Who knows I might hate it or might just be the thing im looking for.

twenty two- my head

Im not sure sometimes.. sometimes I have huge doubts as to why guys are attracted to me.
Is it cz they think im pretty? or just want to have sex with any female that breathes? do they like me more than they want to sleep with me? Do they respect me? enjoy my company? look forward to seeing me?

I dont know. How do I figure that out? is it really important that I figure it out?

I know Im not a model, nor am I ugly. Im not the smartest person nor am I the dumbest. Im not perfect. Middle of the road lol Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not everyone is attracted to the same things. blah blah blah ... (insert some more feel good lines)

I dont know what the point of this is. Welcome to my head lmao Im sure theres more to come later on :)

twenty one- list

I have nothing to write today, but feel the desire to share something. What? Im not quite sure.

1. I dont want to be here at work right now, today at all.
2. Ive already done my nails.. yes.. at work :) Hey! I can multitask like the best of them :)
3. The weather is nice and Im wearing a white and pink sundress with a white blazer. Summery
4. I should get my passport application sent in. Im procrastinating.
5. Have to go check out the promo the gym near my house has on at the moment.
6. Leave an overnight bag w proper items in my trunk.
7. Figure out how to juggle... a variety of things. ie life, dates, men and other responsibilites
8. Ive always wanted to learn how to fly a plane... any size will do.
9. Standing on an 11th floor balcony, remind myself that I cant fly. lol
10. Learn to say No, Im too nice
11. I havent figured out what I want to do with my life.
12. I want to hug people for no reason sometimes.
13. Tears come freely for no reason sometimes, when I am touched by something.
14. I like the new song called 'promiscuous' by Nelly Furtado and Timberland
15. Still want to become a Philanthropist.
16. I like to travel.
17. I like scary movies and chick flicks
18. I have 2 dogs.
19. The raise I asked for wasnt approved. Anyone hiring ?? lol
20. You cant help those who wont help themselves.

LOL I did it again... had a whole slew of things on the list and made it look neat not just blah. And then erm.. I did something and it didnt return as normal, instead I was left with what is at the top, which was the beginnings of a fun list lol Ill make a list another time.

I read other peoples blogs here and feel drawn in. I want to cry sometimes with what people write. Feel the injustice of certain things. Feel joy when something fabulous happens to them. Kinda jealous sometimes lol Like.. when will I make that happen for me. Im not sure what my blog brings to people that read it lol Hope it amuses you somehow :) Makes you think and well distracts you for a little while.

twenty-lost post

Trying to recreate the lost post lol It will never be as good I know it, I feel it (theres a reason everyone wants to be first!! duplicates/recreations/copies arent the same) How awful. I cant even recall how it began and it felt soooo right at the time. Maybe its not the right time for me to post this, ooohhhhhh stop the madness!!!!

OK in essence, it was uplifting, energizing and pure. There was no editing, no censorship, just raw thoughts, feelings and enlightenments (pretty word huh??) No ifs, ands or buts. Be tough!

Youll never know unless you try, never know unless you ask. I dont want to look back thinking I should have... or I could have... and why didnt I... ?? I want to look back and think of the moments where I put myself out there, took a chance, took a risk, made the first move. Good or bad outcomes, I can look back and not feel like I missed out on something.

I spoke with The man, he explained what happened. Doesnt excuse him from not calling. I had all this mad inside me that wanted to come out and lash out, to hurt him somehow, or maybe to show him how hurt I was by his.. inaction. All that mad came out in the form of tears, not the hysterical, sputtering, inaudible kind but the silent falling of tears with the slight hitch of breath and lips pressed together tightly. He knew. He apologized. Said nice things. Was I crying because he didnt think enough of me to be strong, or was I crying because Im hurt and want him to make me feel better? I dunno... both? I dont like being left out of someones life after youve shared so much already... felt like someone cut of a part of my life and i didnt know what was happening. ... fear of the unknown.. thats another post :) lol

He told me what kept him away. Do I buy it? I dont know. Id say yes, and think im an idiot for saying yes. Id say No and think he had a big ordeal, I cant be an itchbay. Will I take him back with open arms? No, Ill take him back with an outstretched arm and an open mind. If not then ill look back and think .. what if.?

I have no more mad left in me.

Where do I take things from here? One day at a time. Ill enjoy the good with the bad, for the bad makes the good all the more pleasureable.
Enjoy the moment.
Do things with total conviction.
Take chances.
Be seen.
Live life.
Be happy.

nineteen- ARG

I just wrote this whole post on .... and i lost it. I have no desire to rewrite it. Maybe it will come out at some point. I dont need to shed tears a second time over things. Maybe at some point later Ill feel the need to write.

I want to swear a lot and Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ARG!

NOTE TO SELF- NEXT TIME I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING effin CUT AND PASTE!!!!!