For you

You didn't hear me when I said it. At least I don't think you did. You might have heard me and decided it was better not to deal with it then. I don't think you heard me. I said ' I think I'm falling in love with you'. I wanted you' to hear me say it. I couldn't say it again out loud and instead what came out was tears. I chickened out and was scared of your reaction.

You pulled me close and wrapped your arms around me and told me that its ok. Is it? What is.

It might not be the best thing for you to be told at the moment.. much less read about it.

I don't know when, I don't know how. I don't know why. It just really feels good when you're near. I would hope that you feel a little of that too but I know that its very unlikely.

You not feeling the same way is OK. There are so many things that I cant control. Feeling this way feels like it should fall under that category. Sad to say that you are'nt able to control it either.

Im stuck in the middle of wanting and not wanting. This may or not make sense. I want you for many reasons. I dont want you for the reasons you don't want me to.

Maybe in another life we were together and theres something that calls me to you. I cant explain it. Theres nothing about you that I don't like. Maybe there is something... I just havent come across it.

Sometimes I feel like an inexperienced child around you. You've helped me in ways you dont even realize.

Thank you.

This isn't made to make you feel uncomfortable, not meant to make you run away from me, not meant to have you reciprocate anything that I am feeling. Its just meant to share with you.

Youve become one of my closest friends. Other than my sister, you know so much about me that no one else knows.

Maybe I love you as a friend. I already know I do. I love you as a person. Ive told you before I think you are one of the best people I know.

Sometimes I'm too honest and open but I dont know how else to be.

I dont expect anything to change because of what youre currently reading. In fact Im not even thinking it wil personally help me in any way... If anything I might even be shooting myself in the foot.

Maybe you are my fantasy which happens to be someone elses reality. If so whatever this is. Im enjoying it. As it is.

I know Im not a priority in your life. I thoroughly enjoy that you share what you do with me. I wish I could be involved in your life more than I am now but know that its not possible.

I love spending time with you. On the phone, going out together, sharing a bed and any other way I can get you.

I'm not expecting more than how things are right now. For now. I also don't want you to feel bad that I feel the way I do. I certainly don't feel bad. Its just not in the cards. It is what it is.

Just know that you are someone special in my life and that having feeling for you comes as unexpected as you reading about it here.

Theres a part of me that loves you... the rest of me knows that I cant have you.

333 - flying by

The days fly by when Im in training. Its a lot of fun but draining. I like it. Its been a while since Ive been challenged this way so Its exciting and all the trainers are really nice. I haven't met them all but Im sure at some point I will.

Its already Thursday and I feel like this has been the longest week ever. Its almost over and we have some really important things to do tomorrow and pass as well.

Im nervous about it yes but I'm sure I will do my best which is all that I can do.

Ive been pretty tired at night after homework and after the treadmill. Good tired not dead tired. I miss my naps and I miss having sex for lunch. I miss sex overall as its not happening as much as I would like it to be happening.

That seems to be a re occuring statement I make on this blog. It just came to me that Im pretty sure Ive shared that with you before.

Ill have 4 more weeks left of training starting next Monday. Looking forward to it. I have moments. Usually once a ay while I am training where I think 'Is this for me? Is this something I want to do? What happens if after training I find out I just don't like it' That thought doesnt lat very long but the lingering effects of it stays long enough. Ill think about it and talk about that with D and he helps bring it all back and is very supportive.

I have been in hiding from a lot of peope and try to get in touch with people to touch base. Theres just too much and people are continuing to ask me to join Facebook or MySpace so I can just send a mass message to everyone so its all out there.

Not something I want to do at the moment. I dont want everyone knowing my business. Its on a need to know basis. Right? :)

I cant believe tomorrow is Friday. The week flew by me and Ive been on auto pilot somehow. I remember doing things but its all blurring together. I hope Im OK.

Its the end of February and March will be here. I cant wait for the snow to melt and I can leave my windows rolled down and wear skirts and dresses.

332 - Go Sens Go :)

Darling 'I have a question.'

D - OK...

Darling Well, ...............(silence on my end)..... Um Never mind

D - ok...

Darling - Its just that it will sound vain and shallow...

D - If you have a question just ask. Its ok.

Darling changes the topic and we both laugh at something funny and as hes laughing... I ask very softly...

Darling - Do you think I'm pretty?

D - Do I think you're pretty? I know I'm not very giving when it comes to that kind of thing... but wait a sec do you think I would be sleeping with you if you weren't.

Darling - Well... Im sure it happens out there to some people. I...

D - I think you're really pretty.

Snippets of conversations from last night with D.

D - Guys at work will fall over themselves over you. You will love the attention. I know this.

Darling - Oh yeah? says who? You know... I think its already happening and I'm only in training. They were trying to convince me to buy a house and if I needed my driveway cleared of snow, they were sure they could have a list of guys who would love to help me out in that area... besides... I like the attention that I get from you.

D - (smiles and gives me a kiss)

I hadn't seen him in more than a week and it was getting to the point where we were both getting frustrated about that. So he came over last night after work and we had sex. It was great. I cant even write about it. Yet :)

My body still living in the memory of last night and is doing all very good things at the moment. TMI.. sorry.

D - Did I tell you about my new budget?

Darling - (laughs) another one? What happened to the previous one?

D - I didn't have a previous one.

Darling - Yes you did... (and I went into detail about what it was and he agreed with me.)

D - OK well this one is a bit different.

We talk about it and Its very doable. He mentioned that he will keep the budget until I'm done training as then it will have to be upped as we'll see each other more. As we wont see each other or go out as much in the next 5 weeks because of me still being in training. I told him to enjoy the savings as it will change when I'm on the priority list in 5 weeks.

I do expect to be on some kind of priority list when I a finished training.

He told me what he made on his lat pay cheque and in my head I wowed but thats OK, Ill make that same amount.. not for 2 years but thats OK. Time flies does it not? He asked how I was with my finances and I told him I wasn't worried about it as I wasn't thinking about it.

I mean I haven't changed any of my habits. I still go shopping and pick up things that I know I might not need and end up giving away. If I don't end up making dinner for myself then I eat something easy like soup and sammies.

Ive been eating really healthy and am continuing the daily use of the treadmill which helps when I come home from training.

Training is fun though I think thats just my personal way of putting a spin on what some people call intense and difficult. Its all in how you look at things.

More to come and I'm trying to find time to finish posts and reply to comments. Ive got a USB thingy that I can use to start and work on posts so its a matter of just getting the internet to hook it all up with. I'm looking forward to it and Go Sens Go!

:)

331 - SURPRISE!!

Here is a picture of The Big Dog. A little treat for those curious to see what she looks like.

Shes turning 8 this year. The white around her face has been there for a few years already.

We came in from a snowy night one time and someone commented about how cute it was that The Big Dog had snow on her face.

I just smiled and we kept walking into the building.

I miss not having to wake up at a certain time, to be somewhere... to be on time... to have to do things. I miss my week off. Im pet sitting for my sister tonight so I helped myself to her internet. I thought you might appreciate that and I was able to figure out the pictures :)

Will try to find a way to post about my training without giving it away too much.

Just what you were all hoping the first picture would be... a dog :)

So Ive figured out how to post pictures. Simple really. Just a matter of getting the right photo that I want to share.

Now I wonder where to go from here...

330 - BS

''Hey Valentine ...I miss you, I want you my gorgeous Darling....thanks for the teaser yesterday...just makes me want and lust after you all the more.''

That was sent to me from W. Hes not a regular in The Soup. Hes a sweetheart who is just that. very sweet. Ive known him for about 2 years or so and hes always managed to send me little notes and messages here and there. Even if I dont reply with anything in a period of time. He continues to send me something sweet.

There never will be anything between us. There are too many things that are in the way. Though our libidos recognize each other. The mind knows what it wants even if its not allowing the body to be satisfied.

The mind is fully aware and capable of alternate ways of providing pleasure.

A new addition to The Soup. I pronounced -eye- Seeing as I use I often in my blog I will refer to I as INZ. So as to not complicate things and to keep the flow easy.

I did end up seeing D for an hour while he was at work. He called me putting it out there that if I had an hour free that he would be happy to see me if I was OK with going to his work for that time. I did. Im such a geek.

Nothing but conversation happened which was good. It was nice.

BS got into town and called me. I was undecided about whether I was going to see him at all much less spend the night with him. I thought if I did spend the night would be expect to have sex with me.

I dont see why he wouldn't think we werent going to have sex. I don't think he imagined us just laying around and not do anything. I can but I dont fully understand the male mid yet. Though it might be that the past might dictate how he sees the future.

We met for drinks. I told D about that and he sounded a bit surprised that I was going. And going somewhere fancy. I told him I would have been happy with our usual bar we go to but he was working late.

So off I went to meet BS. It was really good to see him. It had been a while. We had a few drinks and then...

329 - male and female minds

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and we talked about a lot of things. I was in one of those moods where my mind was all over the place and I kept it together as much as I could.

We talked about sex and we shared when we had sex last. His was last weekend, mine was earlier that afternoon. Something in me sparked and I asked him not to freak out, I told him I was a bit jealous that he had sex with someone else.

His reply was 'good'. Me being confused with his answer made me reply with 'good?!!?' Thats not what I was expecting him to say. I wasnt looking for any kind of answer but that just threw me off. He said that he got jealous too when he heard I had sex recently.

We both agreed that that was weird but glad that it wasn't just one person feeling that way.

We talked about cycles and since I brought up a few new changes and new developments in my life he mentioned that I might be on a new cycle. He calls it the 7 year cycle. Me turning 28 is the start of a new cycle.

I thought about that for a moment and agreed with him. Thinking about the recent changes and the new feelings I have regarding men, life and how there are things that I feel have been altered in the recent past.

I told him I was a little worried about what happens to women sexually when they reach a certain age. Where they seem to be more sexual. He agreed with me about being worried as hes aware of my sexual history. The thing is hes not 100 % aware of the history and he only knows about 60% of it.

Timing plays a big part in my worry as Im just starting the new job and I just want to have that kind of interruption.. more like distraction. No matter how sweet the distraction makes me feel.

We talked about the frequency of the sex that happens in our lives and I said I wasnt getting nearly enough of it and there are a few reasons for it. Some Im aware of others Im not so sure of. We got into detail about what I missed about it. Certain things that I need a partner for :)

Somehow it came up that I thought of sex like a man. We compared how often we thought of sex and were pretty much even and that was surprising to him as he thinks he thinks of it way too much.

We shared how seeing anyone throughout our day lets us imagine how they might smell, sound, taste and feel. How their hands might feel on our bodies and which positions they prefer and all that good stuff. He says it keeps him sane. Me? To be determined.

He said at the end, that it doesn't matter how I approach sex Ill always be a woman and theres something there that will make me 'feel'. I smiled, if a little sadly and told him that ' I knew that'.

He also said that the sex that Ill be having for the next 7 years will be nothing like Ive had before. He says this through experience. I told him that would be great and I hoped it would happen that way, as Ive had really great experiences so far. This is a wait and see situation.

I am a little discouraged today at my level of fitness. I am getting ahead of myself as I want to be the woman that my mind has. It wont be something that happens right away which is unfortunate. But such is how things work when its something good. It takes time and effort.

BS from Calgary will be in town for a couple of days and Ill be spending some time with him while he is in town. Its been a while since Ive last seen him so it should be a good time. Im still feeling a bit maudlin so I hope that hes not looking for the upbeat and uber energetic Darling that hes used to. Most likely he is and I will have to summon some energy somehow.

So today so far, Ive had a facial, manicure, pedicure and Ive done my morning hour on the treadmill. Ill be working out with Carmen Electra later on and we'll do our thing. Ill perfect that little dance of hers soon.

Topping the night of with dinner and drinks with BS. I'm undecided if Ill be spending the night with him. Ill pack an overnight bag just in case.

I have no plans with D and there weren't any made. He called and said Happy Valentines Day this morning which was nice. I think hes noticing that I'm pulling away a little bit. Theres a hesitation and an 'are you sure' tone in his voice when were on the phone and nearing the end of the call and I'm not all girly with him.

He called again a little later telling me about his night and how he was thinking of calling in sick today to spend the day with me. Thats something I would have enjoyed but now I dont know why I wasnt all excited about it.

I guess its not as much fun if I'm the only one putting out the effort into something. Its a lesson for me to learn. Limits. When to realize that enough is enough and how much I 'can be' with someone isn't always how much I will be with that someone.

Happy Valentines Day... Love the One you're with.

328 - Time and Money

Another day left to my own devices and Ive managed to spend 250$. Thats the bad news. The good news is that Ive brought home my new treadmill and set it up all in the same day and have managed to log in roughly 3 hours on it. Two of those hours in one day. It feels good to get back on a treadmill.

I did manage to do the .3 of the 2.3 hours dressed in only a hairclip. It was a long day of running around and then lugging this heavy piece of machinery into my place and then figuring out how to get it all set up and going. So by the time I was ready for bed. I thought Id try it out and see how she goes. She doesn't mind me being naked. I must get some blinds though as its right along the living room windows.

I fed my friend some Chinese food that we picked up on the way back from picking up some tools that we would need. I have tools just not an adjustable wrench. My tools consist of a small hammer and a screwdriver thingy that have the bits inside the handle. Oh and some screws in a little container. Does a roll of velcro count as a tool? If so I have that too.

Not working sure is nice. Ive got the week off and Im on a roll. Ive been sleeping an extra hour in the morning and I'm sleeping late... which gets later and later. That has to change. My hours for training is earlier than I'm used to.

I plan on getting ahead by not sleeping so late and getting up early enough to make sure I get to work on time and in control.

Oh and no more shopping needlessly for me. In a matter of 2 days Ive spend over 800$.
Where has my good sense gone??

I saw D yesterday for lunch and we went out to a restaurant. We will be seeing each other this afternoon for some much needed private time. I'm getting used to the idea that he isn't feeling the same way I am. It would be nice it he were but if it isn't so then it just isn't so. Maybe in another life. Or maybe its all in the timing.

I don't mind that I feel more than he does. Ive been honest with him the whole way through and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Feeling and wanting to be close to someone isn't a bad thing. Its nice. In a way its a gift. Loving someone. Theres no conditions. Its just there. They don't have to do anything with it. They just need to be open to it.

The hard part about having feelings for someone is the responsibility that comes with accepting it. Its a gift, a present. Its fragile and delicate. So in a way. I'm the one that has it easy. What he does with it is his decision. Ill respect and have since we've met. We both weren't looking for what we have as we have it now. But its here and we've done well with it so far.

So if I put all that aside, where do I stand? I'm still a single girl whose enjoying life and the people, places and things in it. Connecting with other men isn't something I don't want. If it happens it happens. But Im not out there actively looking for it. These things just happen.

Ill be buried with training for a while so I dont see a huge romance or sexual awakening happening in that time but no one ever really knows do they? Ill be making good use and will be putting the treadmill to good use.

Its time to take care of my body. Ive taken care of other things... or things have worked themselves out and I no longer feel the need to throw myself at him :)

I had some time thinking while I splurged on a small frozen yogurt at the mall. My social life is a bit slow and I'm undecided about how I feel about that. One one side I miss the hectic schedule that I sometimes have trying to fit time in a day to see people, do things and make sure that I'm on top of everything. I miss that.

On the other hand I like not having to juggle it all at the same time. Its nice to have time to not be planning all the time. Its nice to just be able to jump on the treadmill and go. My mind will wander while my legs move.

I know its just a lull, it will get hectic again at some point. I just hope that it will hold off until I'm finished with training. Otherwise I'm afraid it will affect how I do during training. Time to prioritize accordingly.

Dream, Fantasy, Truth or Fiction

We had our pinkies linked together. I thought that was cute. We got to my apartment and went straight to my bedroom. He commented on my new bedding and we got underneath. It was nice and cozy. I kissed his chest before resting my head there. He stroked my hair. My leg rubbed against his. He turned me so I was laying on top of him. We kissed.

We did more than kiss. Hands were on each others bodies. Touching, stroking, teasing. When our eyes weren't locked on each other they were closed tightly in pleasure. Almost as if even seeing the pleasure the other was having would push us over the edge.

He held my breasts in his hands while my body slid over him, my hands covered his. I could feel him inside me and I told him how good it felt. His hands slid from my breasts and mine stayed. His went to my hips.

I saw him clench his teeth. I slowed my movement, put both hands on the bed and brought myself down, bringing my nipple to his mouth. His tongue circled around and his hands held my hips while he pressed himself inside me. I moaned in pleasure. I heard him mumble something about how he loved feeling how wet I get with him.

I tilted my hips and froze for a second with a gasp. There. Right there. So close. Just a little more. I could hear his breathing just by my ear. Hard fast and very much a turn on. I sat up on top of him and looked at him and told him not to cum yet. I smiled. I moved over him slowly then started to move a little quicker. Holding hands. I let him watch. I let him hear. I let him feel me going over the edge where he soon followed.

We stayed in bed for a while. He held me. It was nice.

327 - weekend posting

Thursday Feb 7th was my last day at work. I hardly did any work but I still ended up with great stats for the day. The two new girls were on their way to learning what they needed to know. I still laugh and think that they hired them both to replace me. A bit flattering and a bit high on my horse as well.

I knew they were going to order cake for me which I was nice. I ordered enough food to feed 20 people or so for lunch. It was great. Some of them didn't know it was my last day and it was a great day. Some people cried. I didn't. It was nice.

Wednesday night we went to a bar and I was a little worried it would be a bit nutty but it wasn't. It was just right. The right amount of people came and we all had a great time. My cheeks hurt throughout the night from the laughing. Drinks were replenished quickly and food was hot and tasty.

I exchanged phone numbers with some people in hopes of keeping in touch. I don't have high hopes but if we happen to get together every so often for drinks to fill each other in on whats happening then that would be great as well.

I left J1 thinking it will no longer be where I go the next morning. Wont be the place I call work. Wont be where I see the same people day after day. I didn't feel sad about that. Ifelt sad that I wasnt sure if I would be happy in where I was going. Just jitters I guess. Nothing unusual. People feel this when changing jobs.

Friday morning I didn't sleep in. I woke up at the same time. My orientation was that morning and I was running a bit late. I thought as I was rushing to my car. 'Great, I dont even have the job and Im late for it... nice way to get things off not he right foot. Rushing'

I got there with 15 minutes to spare and safe in the knowledge my car wasnt going to be towed nor would I get a ticket. I bit the bullet and paid the 10$ to park my car in a lot. I thought I was the last one there as there were already about 20 people in the conference room. I was wrong. We waited another 20 minutes before everyone was there.

I was under the impression there would be around 15 people in this class and there was double that. They explained needing that many people as there was a shortage and that there were more people eligible to retire in the company and they wanted to make sure that they adjusted the numbers for that.

So there are 30 of us and the next time we'll be seeing each other is Feb 18th.

I have a week off. Had I planned to go down south. I would have left last night... or this morning. I don't think it will happen. It didn't feel right for a number of reasons. I wasn't sure who was going to come with me. Where I was going to go. If I had the finances to cover all my expenses and theres also meeting all my appointments. Plus as a friend of mine pointed out. I might just be worrying about the 18th and not enjoy myself as much as I would.

Thats OK that I'm not going. Its still nice to fantasize about it and the various people that might have been able to come with. Im not even sure if I'll be going to Toronto.

I worked at the bar last night and it was a little crazy. The other girls I usually work with weren't there and I was in charge. I usually don't mind this but I just was not in the right mind to be in charge. I was looking forward to an easy night of pouring drinks and flirting. This was not the case last night.

My Co2 died on me. So the beer was flat. I cannot have that so I did a switcheroo. There was enough head to go around :) My drain wasn't working and wasn't going to where it was supposed to. I couldn't fix that I wrote a work order for it for the boss. My floors got all wet and slippery. Got someone to get a mop and used it as often as needed. The counts were off and top that there was a secret shopper checking up on us and making sure we were ID'ing anyone who looked under 30. thats right under 30.

I don't know if Ive mentioned that I'm really bad with ages and I think everyone is another age than they really are. So I flattered some people and offended others. Not working with the usual girls and working with girls who I find are not very efficient didn't help.

I have to say that we had the best looking bar last night. We all had great hair. All down and styled. Sexy. I should have taken a picture. It wasn't very busy but that was OK. With all the things that went wrong I was happy about that.

I told those that needed to know that I might have to change my schedule due to getting the new job. I wont totally stop working there. Its a vain thing I guess. I know if I still work in a bar then I must be somewhat attractive. You don't see many bartenders who aren't nice to look at right?

About J3 I will be leaving at some point. Most probably sometime in March. Until then I continue on.

Oh and for those of you wondering.. since I usually don't blog on weekends Im at the library. I get an hour to use the internet so I thought Id blog to update.

Hope yo u all have a great weekend.

326 - Treadmills

Second to last day here at J1. The passed 2 weeks have been great. Busy, I probably shouldnt admit this to anyone much less blog about it but I think the last 2 weeks of work for me is worse than Christmas Holidays.

At Christmas time you have your big dinner and then you may have some leftovers for a couple of days. This last 2 weeks have not been great. I'm out for lunch with a few people *almost daily and we eat and drink. After work theres more eating and drinking.

I dont think Im overeating when I do go out. I think its just the fact that its everyday. That and Im not doing the required work out needed to burn the calories that Ive taken in.

Which brings me to going out this weekend and lookng for a treadmill. I would buy one used as there are a lot of people who are selling theirs. Im just not comfortable bringing in someone elses failure into my home. So in a way I am strange.

I would rather start off fresh, clean and new. Should be fun. I am worried though that my legs will become scary looking with all the time I'll be spending on it. I would rather not picture my leg muscles bulging out with veins popping looking like they are about to burst. Ewwwwww!

So thats my latest venture, to get a treadmill.

Treadmill instead of a social life. That seems fair or does it. I guess this way it will make me be even more specific (as Im picky already) about who I want to spend my time with, now that Im making this commitment to the soon to be acquired treadmill.

I dont mind potentially cutting down on my social life with the training coming up as I will be on probation until the end of the year. So I wouldnt want to get into any kind of messes. So my solution is to work out and concentrate on The New Job... and finesse my organizational skills regarding time and The Soup.

Time will tell...

I spoke with the owner of J1 and he offered me a position back with the company whenever I want one and doing something else that he thinks I might do well in. I told him that I appreciate him thinking of me for that position and that I would definately keep it in mind. We also joked about how I most probably will be his bartender somewhere. I also told him that I would keep the stories of his antics quiet. We both laughed and that was another bridge left intact.

Every department now knows that I am leaving and were all getting together tonight at a bar. Should be an interesting mix.

P is sending me text messages from Australia.

*almost daily as there have been a few days where Ive had D for lunch.

325 - training

Guess who is training one of the new girls?

guess

What I Think of When

This song makes me think of what guys do when they get home from a night out of looking at some really attractive girls. Ill include guys that do end up with a girls phone number but not quite getting her home to his place. Any guy. I wonder if they do take things in hand. Some must, not always but I guess it depends on the amount of women and the attractiveness factor... oh and I cant forget the amount of alocohol ingested.

Which makes me think and wonder what happens at home say after a date with a girl they are interested in. If there is no hanky panky between the 2. What does the guy do. The other Im wondering about is after guys go to a strip club. Oh my curiousity does get the better of me sometimes.

Pink

You and your hand

Check it out

Going out

On the late night

Looking tight

Feeling nice

It's a cock fight

I can tell

I just know

That it's going down

Tonight

At the door we don't wait 'cause we know them

At the bar six shots just beginning

That's when dickhead put his hands on me

But you see

I'm not here for your entertainment

You don't really wanna mess with me tonight

Just stop and take a second

I was fine before you walked into my life

Cause you know it's over

Before it began

Keep your drink, just gimme the money

It's just you and your hand tonight

Midnight

I'm drunk

I don't give a f**k

Wanna dance

By myself

Guess you're outta luck

Don't touch

Back up

I'm not the one

by-bye

Listen up, it's just not happening

You can say what you want to your boyfriends

Just let me have my fun tonight-aight

I'm not here for your entertainment

You don't really wanna mess with me tonight

Just stop and take a second

I was fine before you walked into my life

Cause you know it's over

Before it beganKeep your drink, just gimme the money

It's just you and your hand tonight

In the corner with your boys you bet up five bucks

To get at the girl that just walked in but she thinks you suck

We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see

So quit spilling your drinks on me yeah

You know who you are

High five and talkin' shit,

but you're going home alone arentcha?

'Cause I'm not here for your entertainment (No)

You don't really want to mess with me tonight

Just stop and take a second (Just stop and take a second)

I was fine before you walked into my life

Cause you know it's over (Know it's over)

Before it began

Keep your drink just gimme the money

It's just you and your hand tonight (It's just you and your hand)

324 - in the air

They are on a hiring frenzie here at J1. The rest of the group is a bit put off by it, because not only are they hiring someone to replace me. They are looking to hire a second person as well. They have each individually spoken to management and brought up the topic of a raise and that was turned down.

Someone put it this way. 'They need to hire two people to replace you?' I just laughed at that and silently agreed.

Instead of keeping their current employees happy they will go ahead and hire someone newOK 2 new people now. Im not sure why that is as they will save more money by giving everyone a raise. Keep them happy and show them that they are valued as employees. When the department brings in, in one month 45 Gs more than the same month the year before. Theres room to share the wealth, just a tiny bit of it.

There are 2 other people in my dept who are looking for something different. They are seeing that there is no give from the company even when they are working hard and producing. I dont blame them. One day after theyve hired enough people and are trying to figure out why they cant hold on to their employees they might decide to make the position a little more attractive by making it more attractive.

So Im happy that I have found something new and different. Im nervous about it but thats normal. They are calling for 25+ cm of snow starting today. Im not looking forward to that. I think it will be a movie night in.

I see D once a week now that our schedules are insane again. I miss him a little but not enough to make me do anything rash. He calls me throughout the day and we talk for a while. Its nice. Im not asking to see more of him. I shouldnt have to. Its at a point where Im backing away little by little.

I went out with one of my girlfriends who works with someone that wants to meet me. I asked her if I knew him and she said no. I asked her how he knew about me and she has mentioned me a few times in their conversations. She wants to set us up. I told her to go for it.

I told her a few things regarding The Soup and how things are going there and she asked me if I had time to meet with J2. I said Id make time. Its never THAT busy. I can always make time to meet with someone for 30 min to see if theres anything there to pursue. No matter if they dont make it in The Soup for any reason. That doesnt mean were not meant to be friends.

I have missed 2 of J1s calls. Im undecided about J. Im thinking of how I can fit J into my schedule and how much maintenance it will be to keep him in The Soup. Here are my thoughts. He is mobile which works for me as he lives about a 45 minute drive from me and Im not familiar with his area and well... Im just not a fan of long commutes.

His only mode of communication is the telephone. Which I usally dont mind as thats usually the best way to get me. But I do enjoy the occaional email. What I dont like is that he only calls me between 4-5pm. If I should be busy and in the middle of something or tied up :) I dont have a number to reach him so I just leave it to him to get in touch with me and leave messages if he cant get me.

Which makes me think that he has either a girlfriend/wife that wouldnt appreciate a message left for him from yours truly. I know youre thinking that I should just ask for his number but Ill pass. That means that I have the ability to call him, which I wont. So theres no real point in having it.

We shall see.

I heard from A and hes working on something and will call me back to let me know. Hes another elusive one. Im glad nothing sexual has happened between us. (for now) As it seems it would be a vanishing act after the act. I hear from him every few weeks if that. So I wouldnt want to get physically involved with someone that I knew wasnt... reliable, consistent or detailed. But things could always turn around. Who knows!?

M3 is thinking of coming to Ottawa for a night if my plans for a vacation dont go through. Im undecided there as he has certain ideas and Im all for them but on my time. I tell him that it will happen just not when he wants it because I dont plan things all the time. When things are planned I feel out of place. IE. Planning to go out for dinner and drinks is ok. What happens during dinner and while were having drinks is unknown. Hes got ideas of going to a place and having this done and that done and then continue to do this and that.


That doesnt do it for me and really doesnt do him any good as it just turns me off and away from wanting to do things with him. I try to tell him that but when thats all hes thinking of and hes thinking that hes lucky that I havent slapped him in the face and walked away. I think he thinks I like it but I dont. Again Ive told him and he just wont listen.

What he doesnt understand is that we will get together and when we do we will.. do things. It just wont be how he thinks it will happen. Leave some spontenaity in it. I told him that expecting things to happen a certain way will only leave him disappointed.

If I happen not to go away for a week I think Ill visit a friend of mine in Toronto. Time away for relaxing. Things are all up in the air.