52 - alone

In light of my recent forays into this fabulous world gloriously alone. As in dining alone, going shopping alone, going to coffee shops alone, reading my book at the beach alone.. doing anything alone. Without anyone, any friend, family member or significant other.

I have come to realize and I think ive known it for a while is that I like being alone. Being in my own company isnt bad. It never was. I was ok with it before but never have I accepted it like I have recently.I still have my moments of insecurity, but everyone has those. So I dont get too down on myself for that. I try not to think of those too much or too long. I want to give good thoughts power, not negative thoughts power. That seems to help.

Ive figured out that I need an attitude of indifference at times. That at other times I need a laisez faire type of attitude and others an eye to eye I have nothing to hide attitude... helpful on the days where I brave the world wearing a bikini and when the top is balled on my stomach, half a bikini. What can I say? Tans lines are pesky.

I remind myself that everyone has their preferences, I might not be the preference of the masses. Theres a very select lucky few where I would be theirs. Thats what I tell myself. But in the end. I dont really care who prefers who. I just want to be me and not feel anything less than I am. If someone is out there that makes me fell more than me like... say.. uber me... Im sure that guy would be a keeper lol

Its made me look within myself and have made me 'really' look. Ive asked myself some questions to which Ive finally just let go and promised to do something instead of leaving things as they are.I dont want to be a hermit. lol I still see my friends. I still am interested in having a relationship should one be lucky enough to figure out how to get inside. (lol its not hard btw) Im not THAT complicated (or so Id like to think) Im not sure if Im ready for an actual relationship. I might even wander into the casual relationships life seems to offer.

Its time that I explored other things in life that I might not have before. Or for a lack of a better word... experiment. Ill always be careful. Ill always be smart. I wont do drugs, I wont become an alocoholic. Hard truths.

51 - wary update

Its like a scab that you cant help but pick at, you thought you were done with it. But it keeps coming back, or is that the cat came back...? who cares lol

This is about that weekend guy...remember?... I wish I didnt lol No Ill save my wishes for something more important :) Its all a learning experience.. Im still learning from this one. I am.

Ok so update on that. He called after about ... I dont know since end of June?? I was shocked to hear his voice. I didnt hang up. I was polite if a little wary. Even I could hear the wariness in my voice. He mentioned an email that I had sent and that he thought I was really classy about it all. So much has happened and he would like to talk if I still wanted to talk to him.

Something in me betrayed the rest. I should be felling pissed off, not looking forward to anything with hi, just all around unfeeling.. I wasnt, I was happy he called and wanted to talk. I could have talked to him then, but wouldnt that seem to eager? Plus I had a perfectly good lounge chair waiting for me by the pool and a fruity drink with an umbrella in it. Why do I want to make it so easy for him to have access to me?

It wasnt a good time so I told him that the evening would be better he said great, hed call me. I probably should have talked to him then because who knows if he would have called when he says he will. He didnt by the way. I have no idea what he wanted to talk to me about. Which left me thinking about... what he wanted to talk about. All sorts of things went through my mind really. I didnt have a clue as to what. Let down again. Now hes in my thoughts after working hard to ween myself off of him.

Why should I care? I just do. That is me... the one who cares. Someone stop me!

The familiar stuggle begins

fifty - not ABC's but 1-2-3's

1. I am more comfortable surrounded by men than I am with women.
2. I like shoes, dressy high heeled shoes
3. I like Vball, soccer tennis, white water rafting...
4. I like watching movies at the theater or at home.
5. I know how to play the first few minutes of Nothing else matters by Metallica on the guitar.
6. My little tootsies are a size 8
7. I wear contact lenses, yes prescribed and in many different colors to fit my mood/wardrobe.
8. I prefer Silver to Gold.
9. I like my steak medium rare... I plan on trying steak rare next time just for the sake of trying
10. I have tried Ox tongue/tail, moose, octopus, quial eggs and liked it... surprisingly lol
11. I dont cook a lot but I would like to do more of it and be good at it.
12. I enjoy going out to restaurants and having good food and good conversation
13. I like to travel and plan on doing more of it when I am able.
14. I like music that makes my body move, some songs are great for certain things
15. I want to try bugee jumping, skydiving and cliff diving some time in my life
16. I love nature but have a strong aversion to flying insects. *shudder* lol
17. I never went to band camp.
18. I did go to Leadership conferences...one time at a leadership conference... *blush* lol
19. At one point in my 26 year old life I wanted 7 kids (no longer though)
20. I want to point out that I have decided against having 7 kids.
21. I know more men than I do women.
22. I never knew what a bidet was until a few years ago AND I had one in our old house.
23. I enjoy my own company as much as I like being in the company of others.
24. I love roller coasters. That stomach in throat feeling is fun
25. I love airplanes. Marvelous invention. Great feeling to take off and land.
26. I dont have anything extra hanging on my keychain. Pretty basic. Keys and car starter.
27. My lingerie drawer is full of things that I have gotten and some I havent used... yet lol
28. I like ankle socks. Thigh high stockings, garters, corsets.... ok TANKGENT! sorry
29. My first car was an '89 Toyota Corolla, had her taken away with 289,000 miles.
30. I now drive a Dogde Status. Id like to try a motorcyle too
31. I dont know how to drive a standard. Cant be that hard. Ill learn to at some point in life.
32. I broke a bone on my pinky and the bone didnt set right *blush*
33. I have more than 4 banks I deal with and only one Visa
34. I dont reemember ALL of my childhood. Have plenty of memories of it though.
35. Id like to travel with a music band during their world tour.
36. Id like to travel with a professional sports team for whatever reason lol
37. I drink a lot of water, no coffee, tea or soda... unless theres alcohol in it :)
38. I Have 2 dogs. An American Staffordshire.-6 and a mix Bishon Frise and a Spoodle.-17
39. Ive never lived all by myself. Someones always been with me. Look forward to it one day.
40. I dont have bendy thumbs. lol You know what I mean. I cant bend it all the way back.
41. I can sleep anywhere, planes, trains and automobiles. When I need sleep, I sleep.
42. I like all kinds of food, Ill try anything once, if I like it more... that goes for other things too
43. I love reading
44. I used to write down my dreams when I remembered, seems like they were all RE sex lol
45. My left foot is a smidge bigger than the right
46. I bite my nails.... not as often as I used to... rarely now. They are nice and girlishly long.
47. I want to go to one of those naturists group outings, why not you only live once :)
48. I wonder what else I can add on the blog that I am comfy with.
49. I believe in what goes around comes around
50. If I have nothing nice to to I try not to say anything... I try.

forty nine - here but not here

I took some time off
Im back.
I feel like I need a few more days off.
Im tired lol but feel happy.

I took some time to think on a few things and do a few other things. Im feeling all sorts of emotions and im scared to start anywhere for fear of it going nowhere. For starting something that I cant finish or explain.

Im working on a few things for this blog so hopefully Ill get my act together and finish one of them soon. I dont know when that is.

forty eight - car

I am so reliant on my car its scary. Ive become more impatient since owning a vehicle. It is very convenient. Ive come to realize that if I did not have this car of mine. That I would feel lost. Id feel like I was cheated from having a car, cheated with lost time, thinking I am wasting time. Which really isnt a good way to think. But really, thats what I would think. I feel independant with it.

Sometimes when Im not feeling in a great mood I know I can get in my car and just go. Drive. Keep going and end up somewhere and it helps me feel like I have gotten away for a bit. It might not solve the problem. But for a while as I am driving. I control something. Maybe not the situation, emotions but the car. So,etimes its just the thought of being able to 'go' is enough.

In getting away from it I know that I will have relaxed a little bit. Know that the problem Im moving away from will still be there but my mind will have been able to step back/drive away and then look back on it maybe with a different perspective.

Well. Talking about my car. It needs a new oil pan, I hope to be able to get it replaced soon. Im hoping within the next week. Im due for an oil change and thought it would be a good time to get it all done.

I havent named my car. I know its a female though. lol

Those of you who dont drive a car. Thank you for not contributing to the demise of the ozone layer. I wont make excuses I am part of the problem. There are many reasons why people dont drive any vehicles. Some dont have their license due to it being suspended, revoked, or under age or maybe reached a certain age. Sometimes people just dont need a car as they have everything they need to get to in walking distance. Some people cant due to medical reasons. Some are scared to, some just plain lazy and have to have a chauffeur. Ok maybe not lazy .. priviledged then. LOL

I do recycle. Paper/cans and plastic. I use the reverse side of paper as scrap paper... and I recommend that to people at work. I brush my teeth without having the water running. I turn lights off when they arent in use. 99% of the time. I am thinking of starting a compost out in the backyard. I am undecided. Ill need to do some homework on how to go about it properly.

forty seven - family

Ill only ever have one mother and one father. I am very lucky to have a brother and a sister. As much as we quarrel sometimes. They will always be my family. No one else can say that they are my father, mother, brother or sister. No one.They might be some people who are as close. But never be.

If any of you by chance ever read this. I love you. You might not know everything about me and my life now. Thats partially my fault. Some things I know wouldnt be too welcome as common knowledge. You know I get annoyed with you all at one time or another. I will continue to be somewhat annoyed with you at some point. Such is life. I wont expect you all to never be annoyed with me though I know it will be a hard thing to find something about me to be annoyed about *giggles*

I know Im not perfect and I might have had some negative thoughts a time or three. I know that there will never be anyone like you all in my life. Weve gone through some things that wed rather not talk about. Some things that really get us all riled up. Sometimes weve also been divided on some issues. But what I remember most is the way we can all laugh together. Even its at the expense of one another. Its still great to share those moments together.

I probably never said it enough that I love you. I do. I probably never wrapped my arms you enough for a hug. I wish I did, theres still time to correct that. Im sure I could have given you the last cookie, oh wait. I know I did that for sure!! I thank you for going shopping with me and telling me the Gods honest truth about how I looked. Im sorry I couldnt reciprocate. Im kidding. You looked fabulous.

To my mom. As much as we disagree with each other I love you. You will always be there to remind me to turn the lights off and you will always try and figure out what it is im trying to keep a secret. What I am writing or typing. Who I am going out with and what his name is. I know that you care. Through it all. I hope that you know that no matter what happened or whatever was said, that Ill always be your daughter. Ive learned a lot of lessons, thank you.

To my brother. I wish so much for you it hurts. I wish that some things were different and others not so different. Ill always remember the cookie and the two-by-four. I will never forget it. I want you to fly. To soar. Ill always be here for you no matter how you land. If I could choose something to happen. It would be for you to embrace life and all it has to offer. For you are worthy of everything and more. Ive always thought you can do anything you want to do in life. I still do. I love you.

To my sister. I know you are younger than I am. Sometimes I feel like a child when I am with you. You seem so grown up its wonderful and it also saddens me. For I wish that you were the sweet innocent little sister that followed and adored me. (I know you did!) Unhurt by anything and stayed unjaded and free. Life sucks sometimes. Thank you for being close to me, for sharing things and listening with an unjudgmental ear. For yelling at ex boyfriends when I couldnt. Im so sorry that I didnt spend more time with you when I should have. Im sorry for making you feel anything less that loved. Im sorry for the times when I seemed too self involved. I could not have asked for a better sister. For you I also wish the world. I wish for you to be showered with love and tenderness. For health, wealth and happiness. Most of all, understanding, of yourself most of all and of others. I wish that all the things I have learned in my life so far that I have been able to share with you, that you keep them in mind. That you follow your dream, follow your path to greatness. I love you.

To my dad. Im so sorry to have disappointed you on occasion. I know you only want the best for me. For us. You have given so much of yourself that I want to make sure that I can do what I can for you now. I know were far apart and I know that the love you have for us is still there still strong still growing. I cant imagine what its like to look at your children and imagine what it is you are thinking. I just want you to know that I love you. Through it all I love you. No one else has been on my corner like you have. I have no words to say how much I appreciate all you have done for me, with or without my knowledge. Ill only know how much when I have my own children. Ive learned lessons even though some of them came to fruition years after an incident :) Thank you. I love you. Be safe.

There is so much for me to write about my family. So many things I want to say and share. Even if I dont say it or show it as much as I should. I love you.

forty six - nice

I would like to be able to say that I am one of those lucky people whose lap seems to be a place where good things fall. Alas it isnt so. Thats unfortunate, It would be nice if it happened once in a while though. So, that being said. To the powers that be...I have been a good girl and wont be impatient and say I want it now... but that id be waiting patiently for things to come full circle.

What does it mean that I do something nice knowing that some day ill be rewarded for it? Someday is an unknown factor. Maybe it might not even happen. The thought behind it is nice. The deed gets done. The 'possibility' of something good later in life for me is something to look forward to. I mean its not a guarantee that anything will happen. Just something that makes me feel good knowing that I did something nice and that .. maybe... maybe something will happen to me because of it. Something good lol thought I would clarify that lol

I guess its just a good thing to do sometimes. Do something that helps someone else in whatever fashion. Without something being given back right at that moment. What is given is a possibility that in some way, shape or form. Something good will happen to you.

Ahhhhh *ding ding ding* The movie 'Pay it forward'. Something like that.

Its funny because sometimes I will take things for granted and the next day ill reflect on what happened and think 'wow, I should be thankful for that' Maybe it just takes longer to process something good happening than it is when something negative happens.

Life happens, I know. Things are on your mind and every moment cant be replayed and analysed. When we are able to sit back and relax. We should look back on things and be thankful.

I shouldnt say that nothing good has ever happened to me. I do consider myelf lucky to be alive to be healthy, to have a job. I have things that I take care of dogs that I take care of. Friends and family and the many fishes out there in the sea that have yet to be so lucky as to meet me. HA! I have had it good compared to others. However on that same note I dont have it as good as some others do lol

Just be nice for the sake of being nice. It makes things go smoother if you are. If not then I guess thats your choice as well.

forty five - wonder

Have you ever watched someone and wondered about them? Been somewhere and someone caught your attention for some reason or another? A stranger in a bookstore, a lady walking in a mall, a teenager waiting for the bus, an elderly couple sitting on a park bench, a jogger going by, couple holding hands or a group of people together at a resaturant.

We all have. We have all seen these people.They are a part of the scenery. Part of the crowd, part of life. Some, will catch your attnetion, others wont. Whether it be the way they move, they way they sound, their scent that you catch as they walk by, the way they feel, and sometimes all you need is to know what they look like.I am an avid people watcher. Great entertainment, low cost, high in thought participation (mostly self thought) and generally very pleasant.

I went to a bookstore, browsed through several sections of interest and went to others that I dont frequent often. Stood for a few minutes thinking of what might interest me about peoples biographies. I thought, would I like to read about someones life? what would I like to read about someones life, the good, the bad, the ugly? I need to know that Ill enjoy the book before I commit to it. I decide that it would be interesting to read about someone elses life only if it was structured and shared things that no one else knew about. Kind of like everything that happened that people might not ordinarily talk about. The nitty gritty , the grey area of their life and there are plenty of shades of grey.

I walk away from that section not satisfied that I will find something like that. I leave it for another day. I am not meant to read someones biography this day. I move to the Psychology section. Why? I want to know about the reasons people do the things they do. What their thought process is and really, how to get into someones head. I see a lot of books that are interesting but nothing like what I am looking for. Instead, a shelf over, I spy a book and pull it off the shelf, quickly flip through the pages and chuckle at some of the things that was on print. I look up and spy a man perusing the various books in the cooking section.

Hmm interesting, I wonder if hes looking for something that will help make him cook something edible because hes awful at it. OR is he looking for something new and exciting to try out because he has exhausted and tried so many others that he wants something new and fresh. I wonder who he cooks for, does he live alone? does he have a family? a girlfriend....*gasp* a boyfriend? *blush*Hmmm hes well dressed. Clean, tall, nice shoes, nice hair... eyes not sure. He could have a boyfrined, (I dont have much of a gaydar) *sadly* His profile is interesting. I wonder what hed cook if I was expected for dinner. What would I wear? I wonder...

I wonder what he does for a living, if he works or if hes made sound invesments and has plenty of time to do aught but live life. Id want to go away on a vacation and be bathed in the sun skin bared with him beside me, talking about anything. I wonder if he goes on vacations much. Does his work let him take time off when he wants to? Where is he on the totem pole of his workplace? I wonder about what he looks like without any clothes on. How would I get him to take them off... insert erotic ideas of any kind *blush* I wonder...

I wonder if he lives near here, if he drove or walked here, what kind of car does he drive? Does he like road trips I hope so, they are fun. I wonder if he plays any sports or what he likes to read. I wonder if he has any bad habits. I wonder if he has a temper and how he handles stress. I wonder if he has any brothers of sisters? If hes close to his family, If the wants a family. Does he already have children? Pets? Plants? I wonder who he is, what he likes and doesnt like like, what makes him tick and what makes him relax. What turns him on and what would stop him cold. I wonder...

I close the book and glance in another direction where I see a man watching at me. I smile and he nods his head and closes his book. I slide the book slowly back in place with a small smile on my face and wonder... what was he thinking about as he was watching me? even if it was for a few moments. What was he thinking? Did he wonder?

forty four - baggage

What is baggage? People have it, carry it around, lug it around, toss it or cram it somewhere under the bed or closet. They rummage through it when it suits them, organize it, add more to it, some are good enough to get rid of it, take stock and do inventory, do some spring cleaning and either get rid of the whole thing and if they cant, try to get rid of a couple of things that might have been there since they first found out what baggage was all about.

To be honest. Im not sure if I have baggage. What is it? Im not even sure. I hear people who are looking for a relationship say that they dont want to meet anyone with baggage. Im sure its not the same for everyone. What kinda of examples are there of baggage?

I dont want to sound like I dont have any, I might, I am not sure... I just havent categorized anything in my life to go under "baggage". I might be riddled with all sorts of the stuff after I learn what it really is. Can it only be sensed by other people? Is it invisible to the actual person, do they realize that they have it and carry it? I just dont know.

At what age do people start to accumulate these portable personal carriers? Why wasnt I told about it? No one told me the mechanics of baggage. How it comes about and the process of evolution it takes. The side effects of having it and are there any warning labels to look out for in case someone does have say excess baggage?Are they things that annoy me? There a few things that do annoy me. What is baggage?

Getting the answer to that scares me a little bit, not scares... but makes me wary. As of right now I dont think I have baggage. Once I know what the definition is... what happens if all of a sudden wherever I turn I have baggage suffocating me? blocking my way so I cant move forward? I hear it can do that.

What happens if all the things that I didnt think, was ... IS?

Is there a way to get rid of it? How do I get rid of it? What do I do with it? Do I need it, want it, like it, care about it? What happens if I just hang on to it? Does the baggage go through a scanner like they have at the airports to make sure that things that shouldnt be there arent there?

Is it the things that I worry over and about? Is it the things that I should have, could have done?

Im still confused as to what it is.

forty three - eating out

I have been bored lately. As in, there hasnt been much going on aside from work and a few other things. I was thinking... is that why people want a partner? So they have someone to do things with? If no one else is available the said girl/boyfriend becomes the go to person to do something with?

I dont know. I know that people want to find a connection with someone and hope that the feelings are reciprocated and both want similar things yet have their own differences. I kinda just want to find someone to spend some time with me doing various things.

I guess heres where it sounds like I am selfish. I dont want a boyfriend. I like my space. I like my freedom , I like my independance. Not even sure I am good at relationships. I just want to enjoy the perks of one without the hassles. Can I be saying all this? Do I actually believe it? Maybe I wont go there yet, the thoughts havent fully materialized in my mind and I am just letting my fingers do all the talking here lol.

I went and had dinner by myself last night. I brought a book with me. I had a rum and coke and chicken with salad and rice. I drank, read and took my time. Enjoyed my food and drink, got lost in my book for a while. I watched people and wondered about them and the lives they lead. I wasnt self conscious about being out alone. I wasnt self conscious about reading in public. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

At one point when I wasnt engrossed in the book I looked up and just let my mind wander... I created a fantasy... 'imagined a man asking if he could join me, I said yes and he sat, we had great conversation, talked about a lot of things... Intrigued each other, catching coy looks and flirty hair tosses. Knees brushing against each other underneath the table. Drinks ordered. Drank slowly, appreciated...'

When I got to my car after staying longer than some people who dine out on their own. I thought, it was pleasant and that I would do that again. I also thought about how it would also be nice to have someone there to enjoy those things with. Enjoying the food, drink, discussing and wondering together about people and their lives. Discussing anything really. Timing is everything I guess lol That was not the right time for company... maybe.

It doesnt have to be a boyfriend. It doesnt matter who it is. Male. female. Just someone who appreciates life. I think it comes down to not wanting to be alone maybe? Even if the person didnt say a word to me and we didnt talk. I think Id be ok with someone just to tag along with on various errands... say even sitting at a park reading a book, or watching people. I cant concentrate anymore on this, im not making sense or theres too much going on in my mind that I cant focus on one thing to sound intelligent here.

forty two - Live

I remembered something recently, something that I hadnt thought of in a while. When I was younger there was a situation that wasnt right, involving someone older than me and of the opposite sex.

I didnt know too much about that area of life at that time. I wont go into details but I consider myself lucky compared to a lot of people who might have gone through something similar.

What made me think about it? I was having a conversation with someone after they led me to read someones work. Ill admit to reading it all. Very taboo, fascinating in a train wreck kind of way, you know what will happen but you cant turn away? Through it all, it never dawned on me that I had experienced some of what she was writing. Only after I read it and during the conversation when he mentioned he was glad that I wasnt uncomfortable with it, did it 'click'. I didnt mention it to him until he said 'I would never have recommended it if you had any sort of negative experience in the past'. Thats where I said gently, 'but I did'. He was shocked and I gave him a quick rundown. He felt awful about it and was apologizing profusley.

I have never blocked it from my memory on purpose. I have never covered it up. I am not ashamed and or embarrassed. I wasnt traumatized. That situation did not lead me down a dark path of self hatred of any sort... any kind of hatred for anyone really. It did not affect any of my relationships. I wont be going to a psychologist for it. I know I wasnt at fault. Nor will I use what happened to me as any sort of leverage for anything. Chances are.. I will forget about it until something else triggers that memory. It was just... something that happened ... unfortunatley.

I talk about it with people if they ask and only in confidence. . I have talked about it with some people and have turned it into a story of strength and courage. Bad things happen, dont let it stop you from living. To some it would paralyse them. For me I just pause (if that) and continue. If I do anything more than pause(like dwell or feel vengeful). I give it power. I choose to give power to other thoughts. Thoughts gives way to doubt which leads to words which leads to action. I dont want negative thoughts to have that kind of direction. Positive yes, negative no. I know what is wrong, what is right and I am very much aware of the grey area in between those two realms.

Back to choices. I choose the good, the happy, the growing not sad, depressed or vengeful. I choose to look back on it (when I do remember that time) and think of how I can use that to help better myself and other people. Theres a reason for everything. Sometimes that reason isnt apparent right away. A long time ago, I thought 'Im glad it happened to me. Im strong, I can deal with this (and I have) Its too bad it had to happen... in a twisted way, I am glad it was me... and not my sister' That would have broken me. Having it actually happen to me... didnt break me, didnt stunt any part of my emotional and spiritual growth. In fact, its made me that much more...

If I had a choice between something bad happening to me or my sister, I would choose me. She might have a different decision (she can make her own choices of course). I wouldnt want her to suffer anything.

Like I said I was lucky. I grew up being able to do the things I have wanted to. I grew up loved. I grew up being busy. I was given a chance and freedom to learn and grow and suffer consequences. I was surrounded by a lot of family and friends. I enjoyed my time in many places. Loved, laughed and cried with and for other people(myself incl). What can I say? Im a sap! lol

This is not meant to be a 'woe is me' post. I think if anything it is a 'WOW is me!' Do I ever look back and wonder if I could have changed anything? No. I dont see a point in it. What happened happened. Things happen for a reason :)

I think I dont remember it often because I dont give it power to affect me. Yes it was bad yes it shouldnt have happened. But it did. I cant change that. I dont have to think about it. What for? For this post :)

Personally how I deal with negative things is easy. I let it go. Theres no use in keeping it with you. Theres no point. If you havent learned a lesson, if you havent grown, if your eyes werent opened a little, if your vision isnt clearer or sharper then you hold on to it. If you are able to see past the hurt, past the troubles and understand something positive, something that will pull you through, something that will help make your life better (which in turn will help someone elses life better) then you let it go.

I guess thats why it feels like I have no baggage?

Whats left for you afterwards? Still the same things that were there before. Life and people. You cant hide or close yourself off. You are still alive. It didnt kill you, since youre not dead, which I think is the worse thing that can happen. (for me) What else is there to do?

Live

forty one - books

For the love of books. Have you ever found a book that you could not put down? A book that just called out to you. Spoke to you. Made you think, wonder and imagine? Made you want to find more like it and just swallow it up, get your hands on it and want your own copy, perfect in its uncreased spine?

99% of the books I pick up make me do all that and more.

Some make me cry. Stories that illicit tears, I find that so powerful. To bring that emotion forth, while reading words put together so well, to coax out the shallow breath, the blood to pump a beat faster, making lips tighten against each other, nostrils flare with the shallow breaths until the tears fall silently down flushed cheeks.

Taking a moment to process the thoughts and reasons for why such a powerful emotion was called. Its beautiful. If I read something that can make me cry. I love it. I find it a great thing to be able to have felt so much from what someone else has created.

Thats not the only reason why I would love a book. Laughter is another. Anything that makes me think, that makes me question, that gets me to feel passionately towards a person, place or idea. So many reasons to fall in love with a book. Reading is wonderful. We should do more of it :)

Most of the time I have a book with me. Why? I do not watch TV (rarely) I do not go clubbing or bar hop (sometimes). Instead of sitting in a waiting room for any reason i'm not left to stare at the ceiling. I read.

When I read, I know and I have been told that I am in my own little bubble. I wont notice someone standing in front of me for a minute. Ill be a bit grumpy if I am interrupted (not always) I rush to do something just so I can get back to reading

I wonder sometimes. Authors spend a lot of time creating this wonderful book for me to read. I wonder if I am doing them an injustice by reading the book in less than a day. Ill be selfish and admit that I crave and get impatient for authors to turn a new one out. I also think that they wrote it just for me lol to make me happy get me to live in another world until I finish it.

Some books really make you think and make you see the world and people in a different light.

Any writers reading this? If yes please let me know your thoughts on readers inhaling your work.

Can reading be a vice? *smile* If so, I have found mine.

Happy reading everyone :)

forty - scared

I was scared to swim in a lake.
I was scared to sign up for a gym membership.
I was scared of being in the dark after watching a scary movie.
I was scared of being turned down for a job interview.
I was scared of sending someone an email.

I wasnt scared to meet a stranger for coffee.
I wasnt scared of possibly having sex with someone after 15 min.
I wasnt scared of dropping 400$ at the casino.
I wasnt scared that I as running around in a rain storm w/ lightning.
I wasnt scared of the big needle they used when I donated blood.

I shared the above with you to figure out what makes me do things and not another. I find that some things I am willing to do so outrageous. The ones that I am not willing to do so lame. I look back on some things and call my self a wuss or a goddess. Do YOU understand why you do some things and not others??

Is it the fear factor? After weighing out the pros and cons, the cons just overshadow anything else, no matter how ludicrous they sound. The cons themselves may all be preconceived notions and ideas. Not actually carrying any weight but since they hold weight in the 'what if' area. It 'seems' worthy to be on the con list.

The risk factor? First is it the risk of what we are about to do or the risk of what will happen after? What scares me more. Doing it? or the results? What type of risk is it? something mental? physical? emotional or spiritual?

I am not close to figuring out this issue. I just have small victories and large losses some moments of WOW and some huh? I am Learning through it all. Helping out where I can and eager to go through more to get some answers. There is so much to talk about on this that I do not know where to go with it anymore *blush*

In the end I think it is our own selves who give fear power. Plant a seed of doubt and we feed those negative thoughts with ideas, taking away the confidence we would otherwise have. Leaving us frozen to take any other course but to pass on the opportunity.

Moments of insanity, clarity or is it moments of insecurity. I think it comes down to moments. Depending on a number of factors that I wont even go into. In that very moment when we have to decide, based on confidence and feelings etc. The truth is revealed. Not a solid unwavering truth, but truth for the moment.

Another moment, at another time, at another place will arrive where a choice has to be made based upon the factors that have brought you to there.

Plant a seed of courage instead of doubt and watch how outlooks and decisions change.

If it does come up similar but not exact circumstances. Is that a sign that you made the wrong one the first time around? *eeek*

thirty nine - ??

Do you still learn the lesson if you purposely help created a situation in which a lesson is to be learned? OR is the knowledge from the situation tainted? biased and skewed in some way? Would you really get it? Or would you get a something totally different?

Why am I thinking this? In order to speed up learning processes for myself and anyone else that might want or need to learn and grow now and again. I would not know how to go about it but I am sure, depending on the situation things can be arranged. Wouldnt want to go into it half assed, so proper and insightful thought, planning and execution is a must.

Ill thank my impatience and twisted ways of thinking for this post lol

Is that too close to playing God.. or whatever? If there is such a thing as fate, am I toying with it? Maybe I am supposed to learn things and go through things at a certain time and a certain point in my life and not before. Will the chapters in my life be forever be mixed and mingled due to my interference? Should I end up causing a rift in my life, will I be able to mend things and pave my way back to where I am back on track? What kinds of truths will I then know or not know.

Sometimes its like a choose your own adventure, thats how it feels anyway. We all have choices to make at every turn, we have choices that lead us to making more choices. I wonder if no matter what you decide, if they all lead to the same outcome. Or will choosing one way rather than alter things fatally.

I wonder...

thirty eight - growth

I really enjoy how, when one aspect/part of my life grows ... so do the rest if I choose, by applying knowledge and feeding the other parts the ways and means to grow and change. Like a domino effect, once you have gained something and realize that it can create a big difference. The next domino(area/part of what makes you YOU) is affected if you want it to be, making things change so fast it might leave your head spinning (the good kind of spinning) If not then its just a lone domino standing on its own at one point, learning something great, and falling, hoping to cause a wave of realisation only to smack down hard on the surface causing not even a ripple of awareness.

Learning its lesson. Period. No continuity of self awareness.I would prefer to have my head spinning and have my eyes wide open. Bring on the dominos!!

Sometimes I feel like I have changed a great deal from who I was 3 month, 6 months and 3 years ago. Other times I think that it was all in me before, the information I mean. I knew so much about so many things but have never have experienced any of it.

I used to read a lot and matured earlier and younger due to the time spent with my mind being interested and curious about the people lives and situations that I hadnt yet encountered myself. Add to that, the emotions and couplings and theories involved in what I was reading. I devoured books. Read cover to cover then tossed it to the side only to start another. I remember thinking that its so far removed from my life and current situation. I didnt think that similiar things might occur to me in my life.
* It did, not all the same, I have my own twists that I inject into things. Making it my own and personal.

Once the experience met the knowledge, it was liberating, it still is. There is still so much that I have yet to experience and I look forward to it.

Upon experience meeting knowledge, that is where I found I didnt know as much as I thought I did, anymore. I mean, you think you know so much and then it happens... ok now.. what else is there for you to try? I thought I had a lifetime of knowledge HA! The things that I thought of suddenly became truth. My knowledge plummeted, shaking me. I know now that ... like energy, it is not gone forever, it is just in a different form. Mind you, I was excited at all my experiences. Kind of a double edged sword. I knew about it and always wanted it to happen which is great! then it does happen and YAY! but who thinks of what happens afterwards? Of If I dont have that to look forward to anymore. What else?? and does that make me less knowledgeable? less... everything?

NOW its a matter of keeping one busy with learning and not being stagnant. Always try to do, learn be something new and different, better.

At that time when I was experiencing things one after the other, it made me doubt myself as a person with anything to offer, with anything to show, with anything of substance. Which leads down a certain path of searching within. Trying to find out why I felt lacking and 2 steps behind. It took something from me, or maybe it just showed me the truth, that I had little or no confidence in myself. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I struggled with it and still do, but in time and with time I have learned that I do have confidence, phyically, mentally and spiritually. Not all at the same time or at the same degree. But it is there and I like plant they all need nurturing.

I am and have been learning so much about myself I can hardly start in one area for missing something vitally important. In time I think that it will all come out. I look forward to it and to sharing those experiences here.