67 - workout update

Since the start of August Ive gone to the gym about 5-6 times a week. Ive gone twice a day sometimes and after I figure out the days that I did not go It worked to about 5-6x a week.

I dont mind going as much as I thought I would. I thought I was busier than I was and used the 'I dont have any time' excuse. I do have time. Have nothing but time lately it seems. With all this time I now take advantage of it for when I dont have plans for the early evening, I work out. When I wake up early enough and determine whether I have gotten enough sleep, I work out. If I need sleep, I dont go early in the morning. If my body tells me that its not a good idea to work out, I dont.

I just know that it has become a part of my day. It solves a few things for me and I am thankful. I am now in the process of kicking myself in the posterior for not joining a gym sooner. For not being more decisive about it, for letting an excuse hold me back.

The following is what I have been doing in the gym. I do 5-10 minutes of stretches and warm up with a medicine ball on the floor mat. After I have sufficiently stretched and warmed my body in preperation for whats to come I get on the treadmill where I program the speed at 3.3-3.6 mph on an incline of 7-10. When I started I just did speeds of 3.0-3.5 and an incline of 4-6. Always for one hour.

Since I started I have slowly built myself up to be able to bring the speed up for a jog at 4.8-5.5 mph. Im still working on my endurance so I let my body dictate the length of time that I jog for. Somedays I can go for about 20-30 minutes, other days I jog for 10 min.

As far as making goals for myself, I have yet to cement them. I know I should make them now so I have something to focus on achieving. So far I guess you can say my goal is to be disciplined in making it a daily/regular habit for me to work out at the gym. I know that its easy to let things slide, so my plan is to work on the want and need for me to keep going and continue to compound the good before other things try to tempt me away to a life of complacency.

So after one hour of treadmill time I jump on the elliptical machine to swing my arms and move my legs to the beat of the music from my MP3 player OR listening to a book on audio. I vary the level between 6-7 and my speed varies depending on my effort, about 3.8-6.5mph. Im on this machine for an hour.

My health is the most important reason I am at the gym. I want to be able to do things...for a long time. I want to live for a long time. I wont be able to enjoy everything this world has to offer if I dont stick around as long as I can. Im 26, I know I have many years ahead of me even without working out. BUT I choose to because the benefits are many and not singular.

Pictures of bad cholesterol clogging pathways are on my mind with calories and dreaded fat. When I work out I imagine my body being cleansed of bad, negative, problematic situations. I literally think of clear paths, healthy muscle, effective white cells. I think of strong bones, nerves and tendons. I really do think of that. I picture a type of cartoon in my mind where there is a battle between good and evil, between health and unlealthy and that good and healthy have taken names and will kick ass. Its amusing to work out in my mind...literally in my mind. lol

I should also add that once my mind has integrated these thoughts to the rest of my body to perform. I end up thinking of a lean and toned me. I think of the changes my body will be going through with my quest for being in shape and living a healthy lifestyle.

After the hour on the elliptical machine and usually about a total loss of 1000-1200 calories at that point I move to the stationary bike. Here I tend not to spend an hour. I usually bike for 30-45 min on level 6 with a constant speed of 80-90 mph. After the bike ride I streatch and cool down.

Ive also started to work on some resistance machines to let my body know that it wont always be the same workout all the time. I alternate which areas of my body to concentrate on.

To end I stretch again and let my body enjoy the pains of hard work. I shower there at the gym and take advantage of the sauna they have there and then get dressed and leave the building.

That is my workout.

I have to mention that I have been lucky. During the many years I was not a gymbunny I could have gained a lot of weight that was unsightly. I didnt. I consider myself lucky that I have good genes and with continuous hard work, one day be where I have set my goals.

There is also something to be said for muscle memory. Yay for my muscles who remembered what it was like to be worked :)

Im scared that I will fail to be disciplined. Im scared that I will peak and not be able to reach my goals. Im scared that my goals are unrealistic. Im scared that my body will rot from the inside out from being unhealthy. Im just scared sometimes.

66 - next level

I was working on the list of songs that I enjoyed and I was thinking of a ong on the list and couldnt think of the artist or title. I knew who would know it, the person who introduced me to the song.

The last time I had spoken to him was a few months back. We had dinner at a Thai restaurant I enjoyed. I didnt feel anything awkward of negative with deciding to phone him, so I dialed. *He didnt recognize my voice. I laughed and I could hear the shocked silence. When I stopped I didnt say anything and he said he was sorry, for everything. I guess he figured out who I was.

I wasnt expecting that at all, his apology, it made my eyes water slightly. For what was he was apologizing for exactly..? 'everything' I heard. I asked him how he was doing and he filled me in on his days and what else he has been involved in. He also gave me an update on the changes that he has made in his life for the better. He thanked me, told me he thinks of me often and understands why I did what I did. How even in the end I was good to him. How throughout our time together I didnt give up, I stayed and kept on staying strong. Even delayed as it was, its nice to be validated for the things that I did. Its good to feel appreciated. It was no longer needed.. but its still nice.

We talked for a while and he took a deep breath and said that he was engaged. I said I hope that it all works out and congratulations. He got mad at me for a moment and asked me why I have to be so perfect** I asked him how else would he like me to be. (I have my moments of greatness) He sighed and said 'no other way'.

I finally asked him what I called him for, finding out the artist and title. I was comfortable aside from the eyes watering. I still care about him, I am not in love with him nor do I think I ever was in the way thats needed to a share in a lifelong commitment. He has taught me a lot through the situations I had to deal with and I am thankful for that.

I wanted to see him and catch up in person so I mentioned dinner which he jumped all over and mentioned a date and time for the next week. He sounded so excited. It made me smile. We ended it on that note.

I sat with the phone in my hands after and thought that I might just be the last girlfriend. I mean the last girlfriend a man has before they meet their intended. Im like a video game. You have reached the Darling level The next level is where you will meet... Your Intended.

This is the second person I have been with who has gotten engaged after going out with me. I guess its better than the last girlfriend before they switched teams lol Hmm I am still young and that still could happen.

Im not saying this to toot my horn or to praise my good self. But I did a lot of work with those two guys. There was a lot of personal growth that I helped them with. A lot of boosting up and nurturing and teaching. It was great to see the changes that they allowed to happen, frustrating at the lack of change in other areas.

I remember thinking with the first one. Lucky lady. Shes got a better man because of me. How selfish was that to say?! He is a great person of course. Theres so much maturing in a relationship that even negatively it helps a person grow and learn about themselves.

This time I thought if I am 'this girl' then I must be doing some sort of service for the women they will eventually be with. I break them in, I dont screw them up and give them complexes. I felt like a stepping stone. A step to the next level. Maybe I am not meant to be a next level kind of girl. Who knows?

He asked if we could have sex. I said hell no. I knew he was joking, I rolled my eyes. He said hed try to kiss me at the end of the date. I reminded him that people who are engaged dont have sex or kiss other people. He said we'll see. Hes not a cad. He wont. He just tries to get a reaction. I think if I told him I was going to kiss him hed run :) (I wont)

Im not planning on coupling with him at any point in my life. I just want a hug. He has these broad shoulders that are perfect for hugs. Maye I will indulge in a hug or three. (Not more)

*Im not sure how I feel about him not knowing who I was right off the bat. I thought about it for a bit and then smiled at my reaction. Its fine. Im sure if he had phoned me, I might not have recognize his voice either. Its just not familiar anymore I guess.

** Be so perfect! If only he knew me now. Im not the same person he once knew. I dont think we ever stay the same. Even when we want to, such is life. We all have our moments of perfection. I thought to myself that Im pleased that hes found someone to share his life with. I knew deep down that it wasnt going to be me, so was I jealous? No, How can I be jealous when he isnt for me.

*** I was thinking that if it werent for me he wouldnt be where he is. Thats a bit selfish to say. Would I take him back now that hes made all these changes for the better? No, I am happy for him but we just arent right for each other. I feel like a stepping stone. Kind of like standing there at a train station, fixing a mans tie, straightening it out and patting him on the shoulder and saying... 'off you go, the next one will come shortly' There I stay on the platform, waiting for the next man who needs a tie straightened.

**** He even said it out loud. He was selfish during our relationship. He took me apart and left me to put it all together. Which I did, because who doesnt want to be whole. It was a learning experience for me. I did a lot of learning during the relationship and more after as well, he did his learning after.

Im whole. Im ok and I just move forward.

65 - Music

I think Ill share some songs that I enjoy, for various reasons some hit home, some are so far from home, others take me to a different place, others make me want to make it a better place. Some bring tears to my eyes and some make my body sway.

Now be warned, pop culture and I dont really mix. For instance I cannot tell who is singing what on the radio, if say someone were to ask me who, out of The Stones, The Who, Aerosmith, or Ozzy is on the radio. My answer would be a guess.

I dont know who Led Zepellin (Zeppelin?) is ZZ Top or Van Halen, Kiss, Alice Cooper or the Tragically Hip are. I dont know what they look like, if they are a group, singer or whether they are still with us on this earth.

A co-worker used to leave the radio on in the office that we shared and she quizzed me on who was on the radio. I was atroscious. She was appalled but was determined to school me on the legends. Legends?

Ok, songs that I enjoy. For various reasons...

PCD Buttons -its sexy
Ani DiFranco Both hands -its deep
Lisa Leob Stay - its true
All Saints never ever - its nice
Wonderland by John Mayer - nice
A womans worth by Alicia Keyes - its beautiful
Magic stick by ? -its fun
Fast car by ... omg its on the tip of my tongue!
Loveshack by ??
Blue moon by ??
Mariah Carey emotions.. and some others- powerful
Rihanna SOS and Pon de replay - a lot of fun
Ben E King Stand by Me - uplifting
Marvin gaye Lets get it on - OF COURSE!
Brittany Spears Isnt she lovely - made me cry
Lips of an Angel by ??(new I think) lyrics are good
Ms Warwick Thats What Friends are for and some other songs. - true
Nickleback How you remind me - true
Crash by DMB fun fun fun
Moondance by ?? - snappy tune
I will always love you by Whitney Houston - classsssy
Nelly Furtado Promiscuous - sassy
Celine Dion Have you ever been in love -deep
Metallica Nothing else matters - I can play part of the song on the guitar
Power of two by ?? - makes me smile
Lonestar Amazed - pretty
Save a horse ride a cowboy by ?? fun
D Morgan Lets dance - fun
Michael Buble quando quando quando - nice
Andre bocelli ... some song title
INXS more than words - tissue anyone?
Under the boardwalk by ??
Waterfalls by TLC - good lesson

Lots more songs that I enjoy, thats just a sample :)

Im all over the place with this, does that help give you a better idea about me? or does that really not help?

64 - growing up

How do I know when Ive grown up? I dont. Is it when I can walk in a crowd and blend in, where no one looks at me like I dont belong? Is it when I walk in a crowd and people turn smile and call out my name?

Is it knowing that on different days of the month a letter in the post will arrive reminding me that I have until this day to surrender funds for purchases from retailers, various restaurants and bookstores. Is it when I am able to single handedly take care of all of those purchases sans aide from anyone.

My body has made some changes since I was in grade school running with the boys, climbing trees and jumping in the lake. Now, I no long run with the boys but from the boys, theres a different kind of climbing and on walls at that and I have wanted to tell someone to go jump in a lake.

I still like popsicles, braiding my hair, finding new hairstyles, reading magazines, comic books, ankle socks, stuffed animals etc. All the same things that I enjoyed when I was young-er. I now enjoy things that wouldnt have crossed my mind at that age. Like lingerie, stilettos, various swimwear,

I enjoy visits to the spa. I enjoy spending hours with Sven whose hands are miracle workers. I enjoy travel by planes, trains and hot air ballons etc.

Ive gained but have I grown? What is being a grown up. How do I get there and will I like it. If I dont like it can I go back?

63 - peaked

It feels fuzzy, like theres a layer of haze over everything and it feels ultra soft. I feel fuzzy in the head, my eyes havent been fully open. Sleep has not eluded me, I have put sleep on the backburner those nights for... other types of entertainment.

The first night was more of a physical nature as to why sleep was not had, maybe at a later date I shall share the events of that evening. *blush* The second night I started with good intentions (rest and sleep early) and was caught on my way out by someone who shall remain anonymous. Mental stimulation kept me up. This person was a lot of fun to talk to. As much fun as one would have speaking with a stranger and oddly finding something in common. In keeping with our mysterious anonymity, we continued to drop and gather clues. One might not even think some of the things that were said as clues. Time will tell and I will share this journey.

'Vagueness isnt an insult its an art.' I was told . This can certainly be true. I know for myself its true, when I decide to be vague, its an art. There is a certain sense of hide and seek, of show and tell. Its an illusion, you are in control of what you allow the person to know, see or hear. When someone else is being vague towards me :) I am amused at what they are trying to hide, and what their reasons are. Sometimes not even hiding something but witholding information, enjoying the art of a very satisfying, if used properly, language. Doublespeak.

As I always am, curious I follow their lead or was I leading? oh well... it was too good for me to try to figure that out. Id try to have them stumble here and there. All the while amusing us both. At least I hope it was amusing for him. I gathered he was amused. He kept talking to me. Most of the time in doublespeak.

Consider my curiousty peaked.

62 - taking a chance

I might not know a lot of things about a lot of things but I know enough about enough. What I dont know, I know where to find what I need.

Today I would like to talk about taking chances. It is something that I still struggle with BUT have gotten better at with life. Taking chances can and may be dangerous at times. At others, taking chances is a personal and private matter, they can also be experimental and playful. They can seem like huge life changing moments or small yet still important.

Sometimes the chances that you take will have clear and strict outcomes, other times grey and fuzzy. The best and my favorite are the chances people take when the outcome is unknown. Taking a chance can be a big risk. One has to be prepared for many different scenarios should it be something that doesnt quite fit your life (at that point).

For those of you who hold on to control tightly. Taking chances may take a long time if ever to follow through. No worries :) Sometimes we dont have to make them other times we must to continue. Such is life, a choice.

Standing in front of various salad dressings, I look over the many different types. Low fat, no fat, no trans fat, creamy, extra creamy and so on. I dont really need any dressing but out of the corner of my eye. (ok not so corner of my eye) I spy a woman holding 2 different bottles and mentions to her partner that shes never tried either and isnt sure if she would like it.

Just pick one. You wont know until you try it. Take a chance on this new salad dressing that you may find is the cake that takes it all.

Take a chance. Its scary. Its new, its so unknown what the outcome will be. It might be all that you hoped for or it could be the exact opposite. Wouldnt you rather know? Wouldnt you want to know sooner than later? Why put off something when you can do it now? When you can find out now.

Take that step, find out what life has in store for you. You cant run away from taking a chance. You either do or dont. Not taking a chance is for me delaying the inevitable. Its your choice. Yours alone. You decide what to do with the best of your knowledge of the situation. Its all YOU.

Personally, after taking chances that I may share later on here. I feel so light and open. I feel light with knowing that I dont have thoughts of many what ifs running through my mind. Dont get me wrong, Ive been scared of some that I have come across and ill admit to not taking the chance to move ahead but Ive learned from those experiences as well and I didnt let anything go to waste. I took full advantage of the situation even if it may or my not have been, right. (I still have what ifs in my mind)

I feel more open to possibilities, I welcome moments where I have to take a chance. I know the joy it brings, of making the decision to take a chance and having things work out. I know the feeling of wonder that comes with taking a chance and realizing that what was holding me back from going forward, was me. My thoughts, my words, my actions.

There is always a presence of fear, of nervousness, of anticipation when taking a chance and making a choice is upon me. Its fighting through that and accepting the responsibility of your decision of being open to new situations.

My thoughts, my words, my acions. Those were holding me back from moving forward, I was holding myself back from moving forward, from seeing things clearer, from understanding, from personal growth, from becoming a better me. Everytime I take a chance and see that it was me that was holding my progress along, it reminds me, it cements the fact that I know who my enemy is.

I am my worst enemy. I hold me back like no one else holds me back. Yet I am my best supporter. No one else can lift me and my spirits like I can. I look in the mirror and see where I want to go who I want to be and at the same time see who I need to stay ahead of and keep close to me as that person has the power to bring me down.

Its a matter of balance now. I make sure that one side is always up on the other. The other side may catch up and find a way to bring me down. With enough determination I will tip the balance again :) Its not a daily battle for me, but for some it is.

Ive touched on a few things here that deserve more thought. I hope to expand on some of them in the future.

So please. Dont be scared of taking chances. What are you waiting for?? I cant promise all good things. I do know that its important to discover yourself. Taking a chance, is just another way of acknowledging that you are ready to move forward and learn more about yourself. When you take the chance you are saying out loud in action that you are ready to live, to continue, to find out more...

61 - golden nugget

Gold nugget

You cant change another person. You can have them do things a certain way for a while. Then one day they just go back to how they were... not to hurt you intenionally (I hope) or make your life miserable. But because thats just what people do. They go back to who they are, not who you want them to be.

* I cant come up with a more intelligent explanation. Ill think on it a while and return.

- This doesnt happen to everyone, SOME people will see the common sense of what you are trying to teach them.

Maybe some people just dont care how to do laundry properly? as in not cramming every peice of clothing in one load. OR that inanimate obects are just that inanimate, as in the dishes that were left on the coffee table longer than 24 hours are not suddenly going to grow arms and legs to walk to the sink and clean themselves... things like that. I am sure you have something you can think of to add.

So yes Ive learned that I cannot change another person. I can only change myself. I changed so much that I lost weight I lost dead weight. 180lbs of man. Hoorah! :) (FYI this was a while back, not recent... a memory)

Those of you who feel pity for the man... Dont you worry. I found him a place to stay. I encouraged him to grow and be a better man. I helped him pack and move.

No regrets on my part. Life is good and getting better because I want it to!

Oh and you cant help those who wont help themselves. Dont take it personally even when you have the best of intentions.

60 - armed

A public place where I thought I would remain anonymous until I was ready to be revealed. A place where I would modify, improve and familiarize myself (with myself). Somewhere where I do not care about anyone else, because I do not know anyone else there.

It all made sense in my mind, it was going according to plan and I was just another face, another person looking for betterment of mind and body. It was working, I insinuated myself into the daily workings of the establishment and I carried myself without any worries, paranoia or discomfort.

I now know someone there. Someone from my past, a friend. I wasnt ready to have anyone that I personally knew see me... until I was modified, improved and familiarized. I guess I can bang my fist on the table and with gritted teeth, mumble 'foiled again'!!

It was awkward, I was awkward (I hid it well) and the moment has passed. I can accept it and have been infor... 'warned' that there are other people that I know that might bump into me under the same circumstances. This is not what he said but what I was understood from him. Outwardly I exuded anticipation and happiness to seeing more people of his ilk. Inwardly I was faltering, stumbling over things Ive yet to tamp down.

Im nervous as I have yet to be where I want to be, on a few levels and this new development might set me back a little bit. BUT only if I let it. So begins the start of mentally strong-arming the negative roots of doubt and self consciousness into submission.

I can always learn from any future happenings so this is just something that had to happen sometime, better sooner than later. Nothing I cant handle... well.. we shall see. Really though, Mind over matter. I can handle anything and anyone.

In a way I am excited by the situation that I am in and I look forward to handling it. There is nothing like going into something unknown... armed only with a determination to come out on top!! I dont see why I wouldnt enjoy myself. I am there for a reason and I do what accomplish to do.

I just hope that I can still enjoy going to the gym like I have been*smile*
I know, I know... what struggles I have im my life *rolls eyes*

59 - your day

Lose weight, eat healthier, work out at the gym, spend more time volunteering, save more money, learn a new language, travel more, read more, stay in touch with people better, be nicer to people, donate more money to charity, pray more, go to church more, be less impatient, less irritable, less judgmental, spending quality time with family are some things people may have chosen as far as their new years resolution to name a few. Im sure there are plenty more that I havent thought to add to the list.

It would seem pretty generic, everyone has their own personal/private resoutions. Ill give you a moment to think of your past resolutions and reflect on them.

Ive decided after thinking about why some resolutions arent taken seriously or given proper attention and serious follow through that personally, that day holds nothing more than marking another day/year. Albeit a big festive day, a marking of time/history.

365 days have past and now another set of days equalling what? 365 days will go by until that same day. OK with that reasoning Ill get it thrown back at me. I can already see it happening. I dont want to say we celebrate the New Year for nothing. Im talking about the resolutions and the importance we put on them.

What makes it so special and private to one person. Its just another day. I will admit that its a big, fun, glitzy evening where inhibitions are thrown out the windows (for some) Where the company you love surround you and you all enjoy the camraderie. Its another reason to buy a new outfit complete with shoes. Its a night where some people reinvent themselves for the night, letting their hair loose and embracing the energy of the evening.

What makes it so special? Its just another day. Is there another day that would hold more meaning? That might give you reason to get a new outfit? reward yourself with a new electronic gadget? I was thinking that if people were to make a resolution on this day then it meant something more than just something thats done by everyone in the world at the same time. Its personal, private, and theres meaning behind it because its your day. The resolution might actually mean something more, might even be followed through with success and continuity.

Anyone can pick a random date on the calendar and say this is the day. Some do it that way. But if you cannot decide one out of the 365 days there is one day that stands out personally for each of us.

Your very own New Years Day. Your birthday. Happens once every 365 days.

If you happen to read this and it is your birthday. May the next 364 days be full of love, happiness, meaning and wonder. May it be filled with new experiences and deeper understanding of who you are. Last but not least, may you share yourself with others and enjoy the pleasures of mind, body and spirit.

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction

There once was a man that led a life unknown to a young woman until a chance encounter brought them together. A connection was made and kept stronger with the shared moments of intimacy. Each moment shared seemed to enhance the connection. Bringing them closer together. There would be no one else for him. There would be the idea of others for her. They continued in their daily lives and time permitting, coupled vorasciously, sharing in extreme pleasures.

They continued this for a few months and like any relationship, encountered times of jealousies, leading to heated arguments, which inevitably led to heated passions. Once reminded with how they ignite each other the jealousy was rendered insignificant.

Bodies were pliant, minds were open and ideas were abundant. Pleasure was such a part of them that it made everything they did together more energized even if it were taking walks surrounded by colorful flowers and budding trees or sitting pleasantly in the tea room watching the steam rise or sitting out in the sun on his 32 foot sailboat underneath the shinig sun.

Living carefree as she did, following the whimsical call of life. She finds herself in many situations that amuses her, dallying with people unlike her or those she knew. Indulging in games that tickled her mind though her favorite games were those that tickled her in places only someone familliar would know.

On one occasion where the two were deep in thought and sated. It came about that another man had been pursuing his young interest. Words were shared as voices rose, mainly his. After his ranting and raving, he looked at her with such sadness that she felt a deep sense of warmth spread through her. Not understanding right away, she kept looking at him as he slumped against the clean white leather, watching in earnest while behind him the blue ocean lay patiently in wait to meet the dipping sun. As the tears fell silently on her face a clear singular thought entered her and shocked as she was, she wasnt suprised.

She sat by him and took her hands in his making him look at her. He was startled to see such a show of emotion from her, for hed never seen her shed tears for any reason. He started to open his mouth to find out why when her fingers gently pressed against his mouth. Understanding that being silent was what was needed from him. He nodded his head and tipped it to the side to show he understood.

She took several deep breaths and with a voice that always tightened something inside him. He listened to her, watched her face as clear emotions echoed in her words, shined bright and made him want to hold her tight against him and make him want to never let go. Such wonderful words from a wonderful person to a man who could not give her what she deserved for he loved her as well deeply and openly, even in his situation.

She closed her eyes for a while and said in the softest, gentlest voice that he had to strain his ears and lean closer to make out 'I never thought that the man I would fall in love with would have already made a promise to share a life with another woman.'

He chest tightened and he pulled her close to him and wrapped her in his arms as her body shook and his heart went out to this woman who fit him in so many ways that it made him put aside reality.

He held her until she calmed and continued to hold her until she drifted off to dream of a time where she would meet a man unknown to her, but who connected so well...

58 - no reason

I cant seem to make much sense of things these days. It all computes in my mind, I take everything in but any response that I come up with doesnt seem enough. Doesnt seem worthy even. Do I think that about myself? that I myself am not worthy? No.

Its almost as if I am unsure. Im not sure if I am being proper, fair, or even cohesive. I dont even know why I am continuing this post. Its part in parcel what I have been thinking of. Its not right , not proper, not thought out, not formulated or expressed with the proper amount of intelligence.

Is there something wrong with my mind? The way it processes things. Lapse in an area affecting the rest? Synapses not functioning as they should. Is it rotting?? That saying 'If you dont use it, you lose it' That doesnt just apply to peoples pleasure centers? My mind is going? Is it?

I feel like I am in the middle of something that I cannot foresee. In the middle of something greater than I can imagine. Im so horribly unprepared for it that there is such a sadness inside me and when it is set free, there will be tears to which knows no reason.

dream, fantasy truth or fiction?

Meeting at a coffee shop and then heading out for a nice drive to a place where we would have some lunch and ice cream for desertl. It was a nice drive, the scenery was peaceful, the conversation flowing and the music softly playing and filling the break in conversation.

It starts to rain a little bit, and we sit in the back of his Jimmy and he pulled out a picnic or sorts. Salad, fruits and buttered baguettes. I wasnt expecting this but I go along. It is kind of cute. I start with the salad eyes the blueberries. the strawberries, kiwis, melon and bananas. All thats missing I think is whipped cream.

When he sees me eyeing a juicy strawberry he whips out a can of whipped cream and releases the white cream over each straberry. I smile and think. Oh I guess he didnt leave it out after all.
We continue to talk and he uses my name in the middle of each sentence as if to find out if I am listening which of course I was. There was no one else there to distract me from him. Not even the sun or wildlife.

I wonder if it seemed I was having trouble feeding myself as he kept forking fruit at me. I think he just wanted to see me take the fruit in my mouth for his pleasure. After packing things away to their respective baskets. He lay down and made himself very comfortable. I, with my legs tucked underneath me in a very ladylike fashion remained where I was.

I dont want to seem like anything else but a lady, bacause thats what I am. He seems to want things to go in a different direction. He wants me naked and spread open for him as his treat. I know this I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his words although not saying it outright. He leans over me to fix something and rubs himself on my leg. I dont imagine it was by accident. Though I am pulled by curiousity I abstain from moving at all.

He asks me how I find him. I answer with pleasant, I expand with what I have observed so far and asked him if it was going the way he wanted. He replied no not really. I waited for him to continue which he did adding that he was at least hoping to be able to make out and kiss. I said that I wasnt feeling the connection and relieved him of the burden should he think it had something to do with him. I said the timing didnt feel right.

Shortly after that, since he realized we werent going further. We went and got ice cream. Which he dubbed a filler for sex. I smiled at that and bit my tongue so to not reply as I wished. I offerred to pay for the treat and was threatened with finding my own way back home. He was smiling when he said that and he finished with a smoothing comment about how it would be easy for me to find my way back looking the way I do.

I accepted the waffle cone topped with strawberry ice cream and we walked around a bit before heading into his truck to finish off the treat. I was lost in thought thinking of when the last time I had a waffle cone and ice cream. Too long. I savored every lick and enhoyed the cranch of waffle while it lasted.

On the ride home he mentioned a cabin he would like to bring me to so we can discover our sexual compatibility. He already sees this and says with a certainty that we will get along well under the sheets.

Isnt it wonderful how our imagination can take you past the probable and into the improbable? I smiled as I am amused by all this and cant very well share this amusement with him.

I sit there wondering where the man that I thought was there, went. Was it a ruse a, a guise an imposter? Not entirely sure. Maybe it was my imagination that played tricks on me. However I wont think that Id like to go back and change things. I would have met him in one way or another. It is now done and who knows if Ill see him again.

Maybe on a different day if the sun was shining and the weather pleasant, things might have been different. I can see myself in a situation where I cannot stand it any longer and I must find a way to satisfy my need. It wasnt meant to happen that day.

What ice cream flavour would you choose?

57 - wisdom

My sister went out one night. She had asked me if I wanted to go out with her. I asked her who she was going out to meet and when she told me. I declined and made sure she understood it wasnt because of her. I didnt give her an explanation. She told me she was going out with people from work. She also commented that I rarely went out on nights with them like they had planned for that night. I told her it wasnt my cup of tea.

I dont do certain things with people from work. I dont go and 'hang out at one of their places', I dont 'party at their houses' either. I do go if the location is at a resaurant. If we go out for dinner or drinks at a bar.

The next day I asked her how it went the night before she said ' now I know why you dont go out with them' I laughed and she told me what happened. How it was not fun, comfortable or pleasant having to be the responsible one who looks after 3-4 other people. How she had to deal with people that were rude and arrogant. How she has seen a different side of the people she works with and she would have preferred not to have that experience under her belt.

She asked me why I do certain things with them and not others. I told her, at a bar/restaurant. They cant be as stupid as they would be in their own home. Theres a certain amount of crap that the establishment will take, after so much of it, they get tossed out. That doesnt happen when they are in their own place. When the event is at their own home, they can do whatever they want to and its ok, no matter how anyone might feel.

I dont go to their homes because I dont want to know who goes behind closed doors and I dont want to be in the position to have someone propostion me to go behind said closed doors. I dont want to be present when uncomfortable encounters between those who shared time behind closed doors meet afterwards. I like to keep my private life private. Others have a different mindset.

Its none of my business and I dont care. I want to enjoy good food, good wine, good conversation with these people. I want to be able to excuse myself when I dont want to be in their company anymore and slip away out of the restaurant and be on my merry way. I see these people 5 days a week for 8 hours. I dont think I am bound to spend my time with them after work at all. I do it because its social and pleasant. The times I have gone out I have been lucky.

If I didnt work with these people would I search them out and want to hang out with them or anyone like them?? No. Not particularily. I prefer to spend my time with people who understand its quality of food and drink that matters not the quantity. I prefer people who can carry conversations throughout the night and not those who slobber and slur their words so badly its incomprehensible. I prefer those who are mature and confident to those who are childish and arrogant.

To some I am asking for a lot. I dont see it that way at all. I just know what I will put up with and what I wont. It kind of feels snobbish *blush*

My sister has now decided that I do have some wisdom.

56 - granted

Theres something to be said about having great weather. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, theres a breeze in the air. Its very uplifting. It makes you smile even if you have no clue what is happening outside the comforts of your home.

When you step outside and inhale a breath of fresh air. Your world goes from the space in your home to the vast space of the world. Sometimes thinking, I am such a tiny part of this world. Its awe inspiring to think that what you do in your part of the world can cause ripples in other places of the world without knowing OR in your community for that matter.

There is such beauty in this world. Such richness that we arent appreciative enough of. I take for granted that the garbage is taken every week. All the trash that is collected is removed weekly from my life. I start over and pile up garbage to be taken away. Recycled items go out their respective weeks. I take for granted that I am able to walk safely from point A to point B without being attacked, bombed or surrounded by destruction. From point A-B I make stops to little boutiques, to shoe stores, to ice cream stands, to restaurants. All of which I am able to exchange my hard earned money for a piece of something that makes me happy.

I take for granted the relationships I have with family and friends. The way the parks are always maintained. The grass is cut, the flowers pruned, the benches freshly painted.

I cant imagine what its like to live differently. I cant imagine what its like to have bombs falling around my home, my community. I cant imagine what it would be like to live in rubble. To not be able to walk around during the day to pick up anything like food and clothes or even just go out for a stroll for the sake of taking one.

I feel like I live in a bubble unaffected by what is happening in another part of the world. I know it will affect my life in some way. Has already in different ways.

I close my eyes and send this to the One above...Please help those in need, specially those who ask for your mercy.

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction?

We arent inside the bar I parked right beside his car a Silver VW and I got out of my car, leaned into his window and asked him if we were going to head inside for drinks he asked if I wanted to sit and talk in his car first. I said sure, I didnt see anything wrong with that, we were in a parking lot, I get in his car and we talk a little bit about work, people and travels.

He says hes going to Las Vegas in a few months and in the same breath he tells me that I am really pretty, I say thank you and smile. He leans in and asks me to tell him when its ok for him to kiss me, I said 'well go ahead, now seems like a good time' and he does. Hes a licker, you know the kind that licks your lips, and your neck and your ear...everywhere, meanwhile I am thinking of other places for him to use that tongue, so I let it go.. and we continue to deepen the kiss. For a fleeting moment I think 'what am I doing?'

So we continue to kiss while his hands roam over me to unbutton my blouse, he reaches in to carress me he plays with my nipples and they pucker for him. Another thought flits in my mind I think 'should I or shouldnt I? I was very aroused and all I could think of then was how do we do this in the front seat of his car? I cant continue that thought because he is OMG pinching my nipples.. hard. Harder than Ive ever had them handled. I look down at his fingers around my nipple and foresee soreness in their future.

I could have told him to stop, to be gentle, to take it easy. I didnt. He brings his head down to my breasts and gently rubs his tongue around, taking me in his mouth and sucking nicely. Hes also undoing my pants, I help by lifting my hips and hes pulled them down to my knees.

The cool air makes me shiver, or is it because hes nibbling on my now sensitive nipples and has slipped his hand in to cup me in his hand. He doesnt move his hand. He and I can feel the heat that he holds in his hand. I move my hips into him and he responds by slipping a finger inside me and has me moaning, louder still when he adds another. I hold his head to me with one hand the other holds onto his hand, afraid he will remove it before I go over. Silently, I think 'if this is a dream please dont let me wake yet'. I didnt need to hold his hand, he brought me over with ragged breaths.

While I was trying to breath normally again, he leaned down and did sexy things to me with his tongue which made me go over again. Half out of my mind with lust I push him away and tell him to take his pants off. He does so without question a knowing smile on his lips and I lean over and kiss that smile off his face, when I pull away his eyes are dark with need, his lips not smiling anymore but pressed tightly together, waiting as I lean down and lick.

I take him in one hand, holding him while I use my tongue around him. I feel his hips thrust and I move my head away from him. Not giving him what he wants. He reaches around me and places a palm on my cheeks which has been pointing at the window. He rubs his hand around me and adjusts himself so he can reach me. He slips himself inside me again and I moan around him making him groan and I smile and wrap my lips tighter around him and with a few strokes I feel him tighten and moan holding my head to him. His fingers are making my hips move on their own. seeking something only he can give me. I shudder around his fingers and this makes him very excited and with a few thrusts, brings him over and spills into my mouth.

58 - eating

On eating healthy. Its not so bad. Im working on what I eat and how much I eat. Nothing complicated. I still have no idea how much of what I should be having in regards to dairy, grains, fuirt and veggies etc...

I just try not to overindulge. Everything in moderation is true. I try have a bit of everything and I do focus on certain things a bit. I dont deny myself anything, though lately I havent really wanted anything really badly. I havent shoved my face into a chocolate cake, nor have I sucked out the bottom of a bag of chips.

I figure with the whole working out thing I am doing. I shouldnt sabotage that by eating unhealthy. So now I have breakfast of cereal and yogurt occasionally half a bagel with cream cheese as a treat.

Lunch is usually a salad, sometimes with chicken. All food prepared the night before. Sometimes fish with rice and fresh squeezed lemon.

Snacks I bring are some almonds, casava chips, crackers and arrowroot cookies. I dont eat all of the snacks each day. Just when I find that my stomach wanders. I give it a treat. One of the above mentioned snacks. It seems to do the trick.

Water. Ive always been a fan of so its not something I have to work on doing more of. I think I do well on that. However its good to be reminded once in a while. Drink water everyone! :)

Its not so hard. Id like to know what I should be eating though. I think when I get the nerve Ill go find a dietician and talk about where I should be food wise and all that. What I need essentially.

Lazy me wants someone to prepare all the food for me so I dont have to bother with it .. just eat and enjoy!! lol I know I have to work for it. It wont mean the same if someone else does it instead of me doing it for myself.

It makes you make time to prepare your food and not just pick at something for the sake of putting something in your mouth. Theres an awareness of why you are doing it, and what good will come of it.

In this whole health wave I am on, its not just one thing that needs to change. Its many things that need to change and work together. I can see howwhy it is a lifestyle change. Those who dont think of it as a lifestyle might not have the results they want? But who am I to make all these assumptions. LOL someone who is going through it I guess.

One issue I am having is.. making sure there is plenty of variety in the fridge and that it is well stocked.so there is always something there that is healthy for me.

Its a lifestyle. Healthy living.

Side note.. a dish someone made that is usally pretty bland was made.. and ever since I started eating healthier.. after cutting down on added anything. I had this dish and must say that my taste buds woke up. SO either my taste buds were overloaded with flavours before and thought it bland and it really wasnt... OR It really is a great dish and I can fully appreciate it now that I have not been bombarding myself with flavour and spice. LOL

57 - locker room

Inside the womens locker room. I spend some time in there. Well, because I have to change into my workout clothes which I will share with you. I wear spandex shorts and your basic tshirt. Basically my vball shirts. I wear white socks and my runners. My accessories include a bottle of water and my Mp3 player. Pretty standard, nothing frivolous or dowdy.

So the locker room. Pretty maze of lockers, stalls to use privately to change in, toilets, individual shower stalls, a sauna and ledges for the use of ladies who need to put on their faces. Oh and mirrors. Lots of mirrows of all sizes.

Mirrors. Used to make sure there is nothing in between our teeth. Used to check if VPL are showing. Used to scrutinize our bodies to see any minute difference between pre and post workout. Used to see who is coming around the corner... accidentaly (or is it) used to see someone naked or in partial dress or undress.

Lockers. Used to store my things. Things like my gym bag which hosts extra shirts, shorts, socks and toiletries/towel and my purse. A hanger to hang post workout wear. I have yet to use a lock. I have yet to pick one up for that matter. I should, better safe than sorry.

Showers. Very ordinary though roomy. Water pressure is fantastic, thank goodness. Shampoo and conditioner as well. I use it, my hair approves of the unknown brand they provide. I wear flip flops inside the shower. I dont want to pick up anything someone else might have left behind. Again better safe than sorry.

Sauna. Lovely really. Im not sure of when to use it, right after working out or after a shower. I decided on after the shower. Thought I might be wrong. Just thinking of being clean and then sweating in the sauna? Defeating the purpose of the shower is it not? (oops) So anyway. Nice and hot. Not crowded at all. I think most people just go in work out and get out. Some shower and some use the sauna. If I had my pwn personal sauna I would go into it au naturel. Since I dont own this aprticular sauna. I must be aware of other peoples hang ups and don at least a towel.

For what I am paying I want to take advantage of what they have to offer. I go there to the gym when I feel the need even if Ive already been there once that day. One location is open 24 hours. I saw myself at that location gym at midnight once. Interesting

Locker rooms. I was never the type to hide away, nor am I one to overly flaunt my body (though things chaange). Im comfortable in my skin. In my body. I know I look better than some and not as good as others. I dont care who is looking or who isnt looking. I dont rush. I dont dawdle. I just go in, get naked and get dressed accordingly. More and more though, I find myself being more open and showing more skin. Not to flaunt but to show that I am confident and comfortable in my skin, AROUND other women and eventually men as well.

I know not as exciting as you thought female locker rooms were huh?

If anything exciting ever happens in there lol Ill share.

56 - Bare

I was spending some time at Mooney's Bay. I wore my white bikini. I like how I look in it. I look good therefore feel good. I go to an area where there arent many people around. Not because I dont want to interact but because I want to try to work on my tan. I cant go fully nude in public but I decide that I want to go topless. Cant win them all I guess lol

I arrange my things to how I like it. Everything I need being within reach. My book, bottle of water, MP3 player, extra towel, purse and bag. There is a family off to the side and I move the bag to block their view of my upper body, for soon to be obvious reasons. I lay on my back and close my eyes and think relaxing thoughts. For a while I lay there and just enjoy the feel of the suns heat on my body. The way the breeze blows over my skin and listen to the way water sounds as it laps into land.

I lift my head and take a quick look around and seeing it safe, no one close that I might offend or distract. I arch my back, reaching behind me and pull at the knot. I lift the cups over my head and pull it away and off to the side. Leaving it in a pile of string beside me. I smile and feel fabulous. Feel decadent.

Its very sensuous to feel the sun heat touching my breasts. With my eyes closed it feels like someone is beside me touching me. I feel both tips harden and start to imagine someone with me illiciting this reaction with his fingers and his tongue. I peek with one eye and see no one. Smile at my wishful thinking and return to letting my body enjoy the sense of being carressed.

I reach over and grab my book and read a while. Wouldnt you know the book ive chosen is titillating. If the sun or wind didnt do it for my nipples this book sure would. It made the afternoon even more scandalous. My bared breasts, the naughty words I was feeding my mind. The direction my mind was heading. The people nearby that made it into my fantasy. It got hot real fast in my corner of the blanket.

After a few chapters of the book I find myself lying on my stomach. I put the book down and turn so im on my back again and lift my head, hold it there for a while to take in the fact that there are more people around me. 3 single males of different ages. One I see is reading his book. The other two I see is enjoying the view. I must admit that the view from that spot is great. A little bay, with tree branches going out into the water. The water sparkling and dancing. That wasnt the view they were enjoying. They were enjoying a more personal kind of view.

I dropped my head and didnt automatically lift my arms to cover myself. I stayed that way for a while and thought about it and decided that I wasnt going to. Cover myself that is. I am a woman comfortable in my body. I have spectacular breasts. Be proud!

On it went. I would turn around at my whim, read or not, or nap or not. At one point a lady joined one of the men. After that, one of them moved so they were not 5 feet away from me. I only noticed when I sat up to straighten out the blanket the wind had blown over my leg. There he was sitting up, watching me. I had my MP3 player and was listening to music and saw him mouth the word hello. I smiled and said hi, straightened the blanket then gently lay back down.

I pay him no mind since I am sure hes seen more than enough and long enough before I noticed him. I leave myself as is. Until I notice the young children from the family nearby playing and running around. I reach for my bikini top and slip it on. As I do my earphones fall away and I hear him say 'youre not leaving are you?' Startled I look at him and say' no, Im not.' and look pointedly at the children now about 10 feet away from me as an explanation.

This is what he uses as an opening to let me know that hes been waiting a while to work up the courageto come up to me and say hi. I say 'hi' and I think. Gee, is it because you find me a fascinating conversationalist? or I is because youve been staring at my chest for who knows how long? I smile which he sees as a sign to continue his conversation. I find out all sorts of things about him in the 15 minutes the children play.

I remain my mysterious self, naughty bits covered. I look him over and conclude that he is not someone that I would entertain to ' have something' with. He just didnt do it for me. For whatever reason. Ill humor him. Give him something to think about when he goes home, give him something to tell his friends about at work. Give him something to... well... use.

After the childrem return to home base. I return to my previous state of partial undress. I make a few adjustments making me sit up and lean forward and lean back down, all the while having him watch me sometimes talking, mostly watching than talking. I lean back down, not all the way this time. I rest myself on my elbows and he continues to tell me about himself.

He makes some inquiries about me and my life. I reply accordingly and quite vaguely, he doesnt notice the lack of details in my replies but does notice how I sit up and get on my knees to settle myself on my stomach.

The conversations wanes and I make no effort to bring it back to life. I nap for a while as I listen to music and when I come around I check the time and decide that I have had enough sun for the day.

I slowly move myself to my knees and reach for my bikini top. I see I still have an audience to I play it up a little bit. Take my time in putting it on. Feign frustration at the knot not being tight enough and having to start all over. I take my time adjusting the cups to cover myself properly. Use my hands to pull out my breasts from the cups so they look like they are overflowing. I pack up my things and as I have the last of my things put away I look at him and say its been nice talking to him. I smile and walk towards the road where I pass some men who smile widely at me like we share a secret.

55 - voices

I find sometimes the more you want something to change the less change actually occurs. Why is that? Is it lifes way of saying its not meant to be altered, its that way and its supposed to be that way?

People work so hard, others not as hard to make a change and sometimes the change they were looking for never materializes. Yet they persist. They continue to search for something that will allow the change to come to fruition. I wont say that peoples work is for nothing. It does happen that with enough hard work and persistence. Something does happen that they were looking for.

I think its lifes way of saying that it isnt the right change, that it isnt the direction in which to guide my energy towards. That the change I look for will happen, just not where I think it will.

Some changes we dont ask for, some we do. The ones we dont ask for seems scary and filled with doom. Given some time to adjust, it doesnt seem so gloomy.

Sometimes I am scared to try something new because Ive never been through it before. I cut off my own legs before I get a chance to be even close to near it. Not a good thing. I know this, its like a pattern that is just starting to be seen.

The end result of it is always the feeling of, it wasnt so bad. What was I waiting for? I did it! Once that voice inside our minds is eliminated, the possibilities that the mind shows you is astounding.

So.. its also about listening to the right voices in our minds :)

54 - gym membership

I did it, I signed up for a gym membership. So far, I am taking advantage of it. Im going every day until I figure out a proper schedule. Some might say the time I am putting in isnt healthy. I think I am doing ok. My body hasnt defected lol

I find myself at the gym at strange hours. A couple of 6am workouts.. then I shower and then off to work, those same days I also go right after work or later in the evening. More than once I have shown up at the gym twice in a day.

Im serious about this. Working out, getting healthy, looking good, feeling good.

The selfish part of me knows that men are visual creatures, I want to enhance that visual stimulus. I want to look good. To walk somewhere, anywhere and have gazes on me starting at the top of my head to the tips of my toes thinking... (enter complimentary thought)

Now mind you, I think about it and my thought... what makes me think that no one does that now? With the way that I am. Right. This. Minute. Wouldnt it be nice to know?

I think its the attitude that carries through to people even though im not the typical female that most men drool over. I think I leave certain men thinking and leave them with a hunger for more. As much as I want a physical connection I enjoy a mental connection far more... sometimes.

Yes I admit I have my shallow moments when I want to be looked at and thought Goddess! Other moments I want to watch the reactions when other Goddesses are present. Im strange like that.

Am I only doing it for that reason? To be better eye candy? No. I want to do it because it is good for me, my health and well being. Because my discipline in going to the gym will transfer on to other parts of my life that need better or more discipline.

I want to be a good person who not only cares about other people but about themselves. Im known to put others before me and some things in that regards are going to change. I matter too.

Im not scared of hard work. Ive been doing that for a while. So now I decide that im working for me . The payoff will be an overall betterness for me.

The lazy part of me thinks. OMG how many hours are you thinking of doing this for daily? weekly? monthly? Why wasnt I born with a great predetermined body which men will fall all over and be silly for? God what else can I do instead of going to work out in the gym?

Theres nothing productive that I could be doing at that time. I wont divulge my laziness. Im sure in time all will be revealed. Its a good thing I thought of it and really. Its a good thing that Im replacing what I used to do with working out. Ok.. I know you want to know what I did instead of working out. I read. Book after book after book.

So now I get books on CD, transfer it all over to my MP3 player and listen to that.. or music whichever I am in the mood for that day and work my body to glistening satisfaction. So I dont feel so bad about that anymore. I find it a bit self conscious though when Im on the treadmill or the stationary bike, my legs moving, my arms swinging, my heart pumping to be tearing up because of what someone is reading to me. I dont miss a stride. My breathing fluctuates a bit but settles down after my episode. In the end. I am amused that through all that activity. My emotions are still in tune to me.

The financial part of me thinks that if I slack off thats 60$/ mth down the drain and Id have no one to blame but myself. As I am not a made of money (yet) and I dont make the kind of money that I can just let this slide. I have only myself to hold accountable.

Im happy about my decision to hoin the gym.

CONFESSION. I think its a good thing. I dont have much of a life. So I can really sink my teeth into working out. Ill keep updates on this new adventure.

53 - ring dammit ring!!

When someone that I am interested in says they will call I get excited, I look forward to it. The anticipation is maddening sometimes. The possibility of what it might bring. The depth of conversation, the tone, the innuendos, the flirting, the planning, what level of boldness Ill rise to. The promise of... what might become.

We have great phone etiquette, you are polite, courteous, intriging and mysterious. I want to be challenging without being in your face. You want to think, form clear well thought our replies that make me think and do my own formatoins of thought provoking ideas. Share things with each other that only your most trusted of friends are privvy to... or maybe not even.

I imagine great long drawn out conversations. Personal intimate conversations. Funny, entertaining and soulful conversations. Time is not an issue nor is it taken into consideration. It just happens and takes us to the end where at times we wake up to the phone off the hook or pressed against your face leaving an imprint.
this goes on for some time...

Soon I am held captive by this person on the other end of technology. Captive. I cant wait to hear what he has to say. Hes so intelligent. We have spophisticated exchanges and theres always that you make me feel... like a million bucks atmosphere Its so right, it feels so right. I agree and voice my agreement. When I dont agree with things he says I still voice my opinion. We discuss, share, and think of reasons and then together agree on some sort of compromise.

How that voice sweeps through my body, creating anticipation with just the thought of hearing that voice. Im captive. I patiently wait until the phone rings and hope that its that low manly tone that I have learned, does wondrous things to my mind and body. I wonder if he feels the same way? Does he will the phone to ring and wish it was me on the other end? Would he call me in the middle of the day just to say he had to hear my voice and talk to me?

some time passes...

The conversations sometimes go on til the early hours of the next day. Like an accomplishment, I am on a high that day even without a full nights sleep. I want to hear that voice all day. It makes me happy, It makes me feel good. It makes me smile. I need it, I need to hear you. I need you. Make me feel good. I need you. Please. Where are you? Why cant I keep you? It feels like a drug. I need a fix.

a week or so later...

Im so glad you called, I miss you. You can only talk for a few minutes? ok No, Im not busy... (my desk is being piled with work as I sit here with you hearing your voice) Let me go somewhere where I can talk more freely... Im glad you called. Ive missed you really I have missed you. Stay with me. Why do you have to go? Why must it end. Ok I know youre busy, yes call me later tonight. It feels good even if its for a few minutes, but I want more.

The phone calls lately havent been as long as usual, thats ok, were both busy people. I cant get a hold of him as much as I used to. Thats ok things happen. Im in a bit of a crusty mood because I havent talked to you in a while. Im deprived. You are holding out on me. I need more.

I remember when we first met and the way we used to...

Im waiting later that night cancelled plans to go out. I cant wait to hear from you Im so excited and I wait in anticipation. Im so happy youll call. That we'll talk and be close and share and fall ever so slightly more into the abyss. I cant wait to see what this conversation will bring.

A couple of hours later...

I check my phones, make sure they are all charged and ready to go. Something came up, he got delayed, he will call, even to say something came up. Why wouldnt he call to let you know something came up? isnt that normal for people to do? I would do it. Maybe it slipped his mind. Who knows? I call someone to tell themn to call me back there might be a problem with connections to my number. No everything is fine. What is it then? Somethings happened.

Deep down you know. You dont want to give it any power but its true. He wont be calling. Not even to say that hes sorry. All he'll say is that something did happen and something was out of his control. That for some reason or another he just could not call.

How long are you going to put up with all his BS? Why wont you open your eyes to it, what is it that you want from him that you cant get anywhere else? The fix. That high, that feeling of being in your own little world where things are good and right. Delusional!Its not real. Why cant I see it. Why do I hold out my shaking hand for something that will only bring me down in the end. I am sadistic, I love the high it brings if only for a minute or two. Its worth it. Just as long as it doesnt affect the rest of my life :)

I need help.

Now... call whoever it is you said you would call.