142 - disarming

Its always disarming when people ask personal questions. He did and I answered, cautiously but openly. He deserved a reply and we spent a great evening together.

Once the ball starts rolling in the personal question department, I dont feel so awkward about things. Its much lighter and in a way more liberating.

'I just dont understand why a smart, young, beautiful woman like yourself is single' He said.

I smiled and laugh inwardly as I get this or a variation of this often. Why are you single, why dont you want a boyfriend, what are you looking for, arent you bored? Do you wait by the phone for someone to call you, so on and so forth.

Since were heading into revealing territories I want to make sure that I may say things that may come out hurtful or tactless. I dont mean them to be. Its just the best way I can think of saying things at the moment.

...'Thank you for the compliment. Im glad that you you find me smart and beautiful. Im single by choice. There have been men and there are men that would like to be more than friends. Im in a point in my life where things are coming together and I feel that my concentration will be focused on me until the time comes where I am able to share more of me with someone else. Basically I am being selfish at this time. Wanting certain things and not wanting to be part of a relationship defined as boyfriend and girlfriend/being exlusive and the like...

...I want to explore, try new things that I have heard/read about. I want to come and go without having to check in or run things by someone. I dont want to have to walk on eggshells trying not to offend someone if I say or do something they arent going to be happy with. I dont want to have to sooth anyones ego but mine, or smile and nod at things that I might not want to be a part of...

''I just find is strange that you always sound happy when I call you and that you are eager to go out and do things when we get together.' He said

My internal dialogue... Oh, Ive been too available. Maybe I sound too excited to hear from him? Maybe I should tone it down. Maybe I should play hard to get. Maybe Im just getting the heave ho.

"I love hearing from you because I like being with you. We get along famously and I have a great time when were together. Its like not seeing or talking to a good friend after a while and then hearing from them. I am sure you would get excited about that. I dont have a chance to see you often or talk to you on the phone often so its always a treat to do so."

'I just dont want you to be sitting by the phone on a Saturday night waiting for a call from me, as much as I want you to be, as that would definately be an ego boost and any man would want you. I want to make sure that you arent cancelling plans for me.'

My internal dialogue... OMG he thinks I wait by the phone for his call. How cute. Be gentle here. Watch what you say, you dont want to say the wrong thing. How did he know I cancelled plans for him?

"To be honest I did have plans. I cancelled them. Before you say anything... I would have felt bad and I explained to my friends that I had someone important that I needed to be with so I had to cancel on them. They understood and told me that I had to report back to them with all the juicy details... so I hope you have something fantastic planned for tonight so I have something to report back (wink).

I see them all the time and they are a a phone call away. You on the other hand arent so easy to come by. I wouldnt cancel plans for just anyone you know..."

After confession time on both our ends, we had a great time together. Now I just wonder what will happen for future phone calls and get togethers.

Whatever does happen. Ive enjoyed myself and I hope he has as well. I dont regret a thing :)

What I think Of When...

Shoop
By Salt N Pepa

This song brings me back to Ninth Grade English class. Ms M was my English teacher. The assignment was to pick a song and talk about what it means by ways of a presentation. Boy did I ever. I had the song playing in the background as I was making my presentation. Not loud, just enough so that the class could hear it and feel the beat.

The subject of the song is very apparent. It was the IN song at the time and I had a lot of fun listening to it and writing about what the song means. At that age that I was in, I was already very open to many things in... life. I had travelled and been exposed to different cultures. Was it just me? or were we all that open? I don't know. It seems that I'm more aware of my own growth than anyone elses.

To this day, I think that I'm more open than most in regards to sexuality and sensuality. Nothing wrong with that. Now it is my duty to share this knowledge! :) lol Anyone interested?

I never did finish that presentation... I was thanked for my detailed work into the assignment and was scurried away from the front of the class. Onto the next presentation and maybe that particular assignments were telling. The next person did a presentation on Jailhouse Rock. Guess where he is now and guess whats on my mind?

Writing about that memory is making me think that I might be somewhat disturbed Now and Then. I cant even recall why I chose that song. I knew how the adults would react. I distinctly remember thinking its not a proper song to choose and yet I did. Rebelling? Challenging? Or just plain disturbed?

Hey, yeah - I wanna shoop, baby

[Oooo, how you doin', baby?
No, not you
You, the bow-legged one, (ha-ha) yeah
What's your name?
Damn, that sounds sexy]

Here I go, here I go, here I go again (again?)
Girls, what's my weakness? (Men!)
Ok then, chillin', chillin', mindin' my business (word)
Yo, Salt, I looked around, and I couldn't believe this
I swear, I stared, my niece my witness
The brother had it goin' on with somethin' kinda...uh
Wicked, wicked (oooo) - had to kick it
I'm not shy so I asked for the digits
A ho? No, that don't make me
See what I want slip slide to it swifty
Felt it in my hips so I dipped back to my bag of tricks
Then I flipped for a tip, make me wanna do tricks for him
Lick him like a lollipop should be licked
Came to my senses and I chilled for a bit
Don't know how you do the voodoo that you do
So well it's a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop shoop

Shoop shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop

Ummm, you're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back
Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that (thanks, Mom)
Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie?
If looks could kill you would be an uzi
You're a shotgun - bang! What's up with that thang?
I wanna know how does it hang?
Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. Lover
Like Prince said you're a sexy mutha-
Well-a, I like 'em real wild, b-boy style by the mile
Smooth black skin with a smile
Bright as the sun, I wanna have some fun
Come (come) and (hmmm) give me some of that yum-yum
Chocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop? (please)
Baby, take a ride in my coupe, you make me wanna...

Shoop shoop ba-doop (Baby, hey)
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop
Shoop shoop ba-doop (Don't you know I wanna shoop, baby)
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop

Well let me bring you back to the subject, Pep's on the set
Make you get hot, make you work up a sweat
When you skip-to-my-lou, my darling
Not falling in love but I'm falling for your [super sperm]
When I get ya betcha bottom dollar you were best under pressure
[Yo, Sandy, I wanna like, taste you]
Getcha getcha lips wet cuz it's time to have Pep

On your mark, get set, go, let me go, let me shoop
To the next man in the three-piece suit
I spend all my dough, ray me, cutie
Shoop shoop a-doobie like Scoobie Doobie Doo
I love you in your big jeans, you give me nice dreams
You make me wanna scream, "Oooo, oooo, oooo!"
I like what ya do when you do what ya do
You make me wanna shoop

Shoop shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop
Shoop shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop

[Oh, my goodness, girl, look at him
He's the cutest brother in here
And he's comin' this way! Oooo!]

S and the P wanna kick with me, cool (uh-huh)
But I'm wicked, G, (yeah) hit skins but never quickly (that's right)
I hit the skins for the hell of it, just for the yell I get
Mmm mmm mmm, for the smell of it (smell it)
They want my bod, here's the hot rod (hot rod)
Twelve inches to a yard (damn) and have ya soundin' like a retard (yeah)
Big 'Twan Love-Her, six-two, wanna hit you
So what you wanna do?
What you wanna do?
Mmmm, I wanna shoop

Shoop shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop
Shoop shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop

Oh, you make me wanna shoop
Hey yeah, I wanna shoop, baby

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction 2A

DFTF 2A

I lift one leg, slip the smooth material over my toes, ankles and continue the soft caress until I reach my thigh. I do one last adjustment to complete it and start the same process on the other leg. Once those pieces are on, I move to a silky slip of a g-string. First one leg and then the other. I bend down to pull them up and I do a sexy wiggle to pull them over my round, firm ass.

I look down and notice the stunning contrast between the black material against my lightly tanned skin. I smile at the thought of going out in just these. Shake my head a little and continue on. There is the black silk dress thats been laid out for me and it looks so simple. I lift it off the bed and feel it almost slip out of my hands as if it was water running through my fingers.

I slip it over my head and let it fall over my body letting it hug my curves. My eyes search my reflection and I am missing something. I look towards the bed and laying there are silk gloves. I slip them both on and notice that Ive neglected my necklace. I reach for it and a hand covers mine gently.

"Let me" He says. I smile up at him and say "Thank you"

I turn away from him as he stretches his arms around over my shoulders. I watch him take the ends of the pearl necklace and feel them placed on my neck, cold from its case. I shudder and feel the sensation move down my spine. I inhale his scent as he moves away from me and its a manly scent that gives my shivers. A reaction my body is familiar with when I am with him.

He takes my hand and pulls me to the edge of the bed and has me sit while he helps slip on my shoes. He is gentle and takes his time. His large hand holds my calf and as he moves the shoe over my toes his hand squeezes and moves down to my ankle. It feels very erotic and I feel my body stir in awakening. He does the same to the other leg this time once everything is in place he leans down and kisses the top of my stiletto clad foot.

"You look beautiful" he says as he helps cover my shoulders with a wrap. "You have great taste" I lean up and kiss his cheek.

I smile and hold out my hand for him. He takes my hand and helps me up. We continue to hold hands until we arrive at the Gala being held in the main hall. We are stopped a few times by people who spend time admiring the sharp contrast we make as a couple. His hand now on the small of my back, warm and safe one moment and then hot and erotic when he traces his fingertips over my skin.

I turn and lean up to whisper in his ear that I need a few minutes in the powder room. He smiles and says that he'll be waiting. I walk away knowing he is watching me over rim of his glass as he takes a sip. I also know that the colleague that he was in conversation with is following his gaze. Both watching me walk away. The dress dipping so low over my back that I know eyes are travelling down to the point at which it leaves their imagine to picture the rest.

When I walk out of the powder room my steps feel a little lighter and I share a smile with a man as our paths cross. Sharply dressed I notice, I wouldnt mind if he came up to me later on in the evening sometime. I continue to walk and find myself pulled into a crowd of various people. Some I recognize, some I am introduced to. One man in the group takes an immediate liking to me. So much that he takes his place by my side, manipulating me away from the group very slyly.

I glance around as he maneuvers our bodies away, his hand behind me heavy on my far shoulder. He leans down close to my ear and and says huskily that he cant take his eyes off of me and wants me all to himself even for a few minutes. I smile and ask him if I am being kidnapped. He laughs and reddens a little bit which I enjoy and I press him with 'humility suits you'.

'Dominatrix just might suit you.' He answers right back, we both laugh at that and I look around and find us on the edge of the crowd and as I scan the people around us I see familiar eyes looking right at me. Amusing eyes, twinkling intense eyes. In my mind 'He sees me' I let out a seductive sound which gets my companions attention. He leans close whispering things in my ear that makes me blush. I place a hand on his shoulder.

TBC

141 - just wait

I dont feel like I have much of a life lately. I havent done anything that seems like fun. Everything is good (could be better) but nothing stands out. No funny stories that I can share. Usually theres always something happening.

Sacrifices (sigh)

Thats ok. Im organizing my life I guess. Making things better and getting things in order so that the rest of the year will be great. One thing at a time.

I keep having moments of great ideas to post about and it keeps slipping my mind, theres too many things to keep track of a the moment I guess. Dont worry, I have many of them. Ill just have to write them down... somehow!

Just wait until I am finished with the move :) (this is more self talk than anything)

Ohhh Im working on a couple of things to share, itll take some time but itll be worth it!

140 - mirror

I met someone today and they were super energetic. I thought 'this girl is infectious' She reminds me of me. (If I may toot my horn) I was able to watch her for a little while as I was early for a meeting. I saw people warm tp her smile. I saw people stay and come to her.She didnt pull people into her space while they were busy, didnt interrupt anyone on their way to anything or anyone.

She did her job, efficiently. I was impressed and I enjoy someone that is efficient. I enjoy seeing people work well with what they have, organized and well planned.

Like me (or so I think) I could see someone that was like me in a workplace. It was a pleasant experience to watch "me" work. Id hire her if I was looking for someone to take control and keep things going. Not only that... Id hire her to make sure that the work environment.

Which leads me to thinking of looking for another job. Half seriously? They say the best time to look for a job is while you have one. Well I have one. Im a little bit bored at it and I believe that its time for a change? change is good.

Plus its always nice to go on interviews and meet new people. Am I the only one who likes to go on these things and chat it up with the emppliyer? I reverse roles a bit and ask them a lot of questions to qualify them instead of the other way around? Ive been to enough interviews to know that I am nervous going into them and hopefully warm up quickly to them so I feel at ease enough to ask them questions about themselves, how they like it in the company and what they like and so on. Hear about their last vacation to Fiji or somewhere equally fun.

Its strange how it all comes together. Sometimes Ill go see what the position is all about and like the person conducting the interview that if we had met in another circumstance... things may have been much more fun. Other people who hold interviews need an injection of personality.

I think Ill do it. Go and look for things that I like and some things that I have no qualifications for and just go, after all... the worse thing they can tell me is no.

139 - luckier than most

I think in the next couple of months there will be some changes. Big life changes. Not just for me but for others as well. People that I am close to. hopefully for the good :) Lets hope.

I have to make sure I am ok so Ill be talking about what might be happening to me.
I will have found a new place, would have it decorated, move in and settle myself there.
Certain relationships may be severed forever. (I know, sounds outrageous)
Removing all my possessions from this property may be an issue.
Local authorities and possible court time might follow (worse case scenario)
Jobs might change after the being shuffled around.
I have to prepare myself for the possiblity of having to put down one of my dogs.
My social life is taking a plunge, big time. It will continue to do so for a while, due to the above mentioned and those that are unmentioned.
Thats not all thats happening at the moment but thats enough to share for now, the rest will come sooner or later.

Things that do not involve me directly is the cause of a lot of this turmoil. As I am indirectly said to be a cause. I am in the thick of things. Some not all of them.

So In an exciting way. Im glad that I may have the chance to be alone, by myself. Free to walk in the buff when I please and able to do what I want, when I want. I am excited about being on my own, without family or roomates. To be able to just do whatever whenever. To decorate the place how I want it with what I want in it.

On the other hand I am scared that Ill never be there to enjoy it, that Ill find a place that so horribly wrong for me and my life. That I am walking through a gate that leads me to the course called the rat race. Im scared that Ill be irresponsible and throw away my good sense and do nothing with my life. Most of all I am scared of making the wrong choices.

Theres no guarantee that my life will be roses and tea parties. In fact if it ended up that way great!!... if not.. Im sure to enjoy every moment.

I am after all, luckier than most people.

138 - acquisitions

I bought a pair of boots. They are nice. You would all like them I think. Black. Leather. Knee high. Shiny. Pointy at the toes and pointy at the heels. Shiny black leather, even shinier metal heel. Your imagination might say painful if used incorrectly for unsuspecting body parts, if my heel were to meet with your... say... toes? (ouch)

Ive worn them for a few days and have had several compliments and numnerous innuendos under the sexual category, involving poles and gryations and such. Its been fun so far. They look mighty sexy, I cant fault people for immediately thinking that way. Its where my mind went when I spied the boots in its glass case at the shoe store.

I even debated asking to work there just so I can get paid in shoes. Imagine? (ha ha ha) Though that idea has something to it. Who knows. Maybe ill propose that idea to him just to see what happens. Ill need storage space if that ever happens :) Maybe not that extreme... maybe.

So far, I have referred 3 ladies to that shoe store, I really should get a referral fee from the owner as I told him people would ask me about them and I would have to tell them where I got them from and his business would increase. He gave me a discount when I mentioned this increase in traffic in his store :)

Ive got to figure out how to put pictures up with posts. I know I have mentioned that before. Lets see if I can get that mastered sometime soon.

Oh and these shoes leave the cutest imprint on the snow.

funnies

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the
flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NHL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

========================

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http/www.I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and
try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 5.0
update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources)!

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being single I have no idea how it is to be married. I wonder if a percentage of this is true. Its been said that every joke has some truth in it. So for those of you who are married, is there some truth to the above? :)

On...

On Sisters, sometimes they are annoying, sometimes they are great. Thats normal. Im glad I have one. She is someone that knows many things about me and can really hold things over my head if I really pissed her off. Would she? I hope not, but I still treat her with great respect because of what she knows and who she is. Someone that lets me be who I am without any repercussions. They are irreplaceable. Love them.

On Brothers, love them even though you dont understand them. It wasnt his fault that hes a boy. Im sure he thinks the same of me and my sister!! (not our fault we are girls) So many differences in that one little fact yet we still get along so well and though we dont share as much with each other as my sister and I do, we get along well on other topics that my sister and I may not typically get into. They are irreplaceable. Love them.

On Coworkers, they arent family so you dont have to love them in the same way. Respect them. After all you will see them in some ways more than you see your own family. A second family they are some would say. Some will annoy you, some wont. Observe how they all interact and find the way to fit in. Or if youre lucky people will find a way to you. It makes for a pleasant place to be when you get along with everyone. It helps make the day go by faster too. They are replaceable (low blow I know) If you do love them, be careful.

On Strangers, be careful. Be wary and always be safe. Some strangers are nice, others will offer you a ride in their cars. Walk away! Some look safe but arent. Others look scary but are gentle. No matter what people tell you about strangers. The most important. Be safe. After all you are a stranger to someone. Be nice.

On neighbors, say hello, have a conversation. Share the duties of mowing the lawn. Its never a bad thing to establish friendships with people that are close to home. Always be welcoming and just remember that no matter how they run their house. Thats their choice, after all you run yours the way you do (wink) You do your thing, let them do theirs.

On Landlords, be polite, be nice, send them a card and a bottle of wine for Christmas. Youll get much better and faster responses to any and all issues that come to mind. Even if they are mildly related to your apartment.

137 - Phases

So I have decided to move, well the decision was made for me but I think the important part is that I have accepted it. Its kind of a strange situation. Its going to happen in phases. Phase one (check) was to pack, distribute belongings to various locations so as not to heavily burden one person. (reminder to lavish kind and generous people with love and pressies expressing much thanks and appreciation) There are things at my sisters basement. There is furniture in someone elses garage, and furniture that still need to be moved.

Phase two (current stage that I find myself in) is to find a place and secure it. A place to call my own, whether it be an apartment or a house. I spoke in leangth to my father and my sister about the state of my life and current situation. In the end it is my decision and I want to make sure its the best decision for not only me, but for everyone involved in my life... but mainly me. Its hard to be selfish when I keep everyone else in mind, I find. (thats a whole other post)

Phase three, seeing as I am in the midst of crossing off phase two. Phase three will be 'not feeling like I am in limbo for the time it will be for phase four to arrive'. This phase is a little bit of a juggling act. As I am at my sisters at the moment, without the dogs, they have stayed at my old place. I need to bring them out of there mid week this week, for about 3-4 days. I cant bring them to my sisters as she just acquired a small kitten that wont be able to handle the energy of one of my dogs... and a small miniature shnauzer, both under tha age of 2 months. I cant leave them there as I promised I would take them at that time. Maybe a kennel? or a large sum of money ok... large puppy dog eyes and a promise of no life being taken by anyone, human or canine or feline.

After those 3-4 days the dogs and I are back where I used to call home, for one month. Ok Less than a month. And if phase three goes well. Move in march first (yay) Moving back for a month is only possible as someone will not be in the country for that time. (sneaky, I am that is)

Phase three point five is making sure that before she gets back into the country which happens to be before March first, is that I have all my belongings/ furniture out of there and the things that are 'technically mine' are gone from there and either on its way to my new space or in storage.

Phase four is to move everything into the space and start making it me. Can you picture walls painted red with black trim in one room? Im not sure yet. LOL We shall see. Ill have to stop to visit a store for ideas of color and combinations of them. Its exciting! :)

Im excited and a bit nervous but its the nervous excitement that makes things interesting isnt it? Well... that among other things...

136 - gone and done it

Theyve gone ahead and done it. In an effort to figure out which computer within the network is corrupted with a virus. They have installed a program that tracks which websites are looked at and if anyone from the outside is trying to get into our system.

This does not make me happy (selfishly) I know. I shouldnt be doing anything other than work related things when I am at work. Its just so monotonous sometimes. Its a nice distraction, to be able to check my personal email and see what my family and friends have been up to, what they plan to, want to and will do.

I understand that there are some people that abuse this priviledge. It isnt a right to be able to surf the internet while at work, to look at questionable sites should be done at home in .. well.. private :) Its a priviledge, not a right. Abuse it and suffer the consequences. That time has come.

I get my work done and do it well and always strive to do well and better. I guess I am a bit irked at it as I dont smoke and so dont take regular breaks to fill my lungs with tar, as is the decision of many of the people that I work with. Thats fine thats their thing. Mine happens to be communication. In any form.

I now talk more on the phone with people that I might have instead sent an email to. I now socialize more with people in other departments. I walk around more to be distracted.

The amount of emails I send has decreased, much to the admins pleasure.

Maybe I shouldnt share this... but I will anyway. I think that in a round about way they expect productivity to go up? In my mind I worked a lot more when I had access to things not related to work.

Will it look bad on me if all of a sudden my performance went up higher than before. Yes. Will it go higher than it was before? No. Its the same, or if I am honest. Not at the same level. Is that done on purpose. I hate to say yes but that might be the truth. (Yes I do feel guilt about that)

When its time to protect oneself. Its best not to forecast the amount of work that potentially could have been done..no? I dont want to seem like I dont do my work, I do and I do it well. I make sure I get my work done and that its done right.

Im twisted. Unfair and selfish. I want to have my cake and eat it too!!

oh... keep this to yourself. (giggle) This post was written at work. Shhh.

I know... a rebel! Would you have guessed it??!!

what I think of when...

What I think of when I hear this song.

Its a beautiful song. To hear the song is a wonderfully painful experience. Even if it is the feelings of love imagined. . They are feelings which are strong enough to make my eyes tear and my chin tremble.

I like it. Its a powerful thing to be able to bring forth emotion this way. I always get teary with this song. There are others of course that illicit the same response. Ill share those as well sometime.

I must find a way to have the songs play for you in case you havent heard it before

"Have You Ever?" by Brandy

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]

Ive often asked friends how they know they were meant to be with the person they are with. Some answer with, "You just know". Its an answer. An answer I cant understand. I follow up that question with 'How?' they just say "you just do".

I guess falling in love can be not knowing why youre with that person? LOL Or is it just 'that unexplainable'??

I guess Ill have to see.

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction 1A

DFTF 1A

'I think she deserves to be spanked she was a naughty girl.' I tried hard not to roll my eyes. I smiled shyly and thought that it would be interesting if I could find out how naughty I can be. He continues to talk and I hear 'Why don't you come with us to watch her get a good spanking' I stood and followed Dave into the room. Second guessing my decision I continued on thinking 'it will be okay', this is not a bad thing. You want this... dont I??'

There is a couple in the room standing by the balcony. I don't pay them any mind although I am secretly curious as to what they think of me, if they saw me and if I get some time with them later. Memories assault my mind of Jack and Lacy. I smile and tilt my head to the side as Dave presses his lips to mine and pulls my clothes open and slides them off my shoulder. I'm not wearing anything underneath and his hands sneak its way down my body. He undresses himself as I kneel on the bed and watch him walk around the side.

I follow him with my gaze and he ends up beside me and at the proper height. I lean in to take him in my mouth and hear him moan. My tongue flicks over him and I feel how hard he gets in my mouth. His hands move over my back and cups my ass. Squeezing and giving me a quick slap that makes my body jerk a little bit surprising me. He slides his hand in between my legs and presses a finger deep inside me and pulls out to rub my clit. I tighten my mouth around him until he pulls away form me and turns me on my back.

On my back I notice Lacy lying beside me while Jack Kisses her deeply, I look down and see Jason in between Julies legs. To their left is Robbie with Cathy on her knees pleasuring him with her mouth. I look down to the other corner and there is Sandy with Derek, his mouth clamped on her breast while his hands are busy on her body. Visually satisfied that everyone was performing some sexual act or two. My body recognizes and follows the pace that Dave has set. My legs in the air, ankles held far apart. Moans escaping my mouth or was that someone else's moan? I cant be sure. I move my hips in tune with his and meet his thrusts and look around again.

I see Julie on her knees and Jason behind her. Shes watching me and I return her smile. Robbie is on his back continuing his enjoyment of Cathy's attentions. Sandy has Derek inside her, her legs wrapped around his waist. Derek's arm reaches for me and cups my breast in his hand. My nipple hardens even more and I moan, making Dave move inside me hard and fast.

I lean to my left and catch Robbie's gaze as he leans in to me and we kiss. Dave leans over me and takes Lacy's nipple in her mouth and I feel a pinch on my nipple. I gasp in Robbie's mouth and I find my hand on someones breast. Sandy's? It must be, shes the closest to that arm. I fondle her breast feeling its weight in my hand and teasing it to a hard nub.

I return my gaze to Dave and I reach both arms around him and low, pulling him tighter into me. I encourage him with my moans, they get louder and more vocal, sounds of pleasure all around me getting louder and louder. I hear whispers of what listening to me is doing to them. I hear the noise level around me raise and become more frantic, as if we were searching for the same clue, aiming for the same goal. My body tells me the time is Now, I arch my back and plead for Dave to continue, to not stop, to just. Keep. Going. Until my body shudders in his hands. Hands on my body caress, squeeze and fondle. Each of them puling away in different directions.

I relax, breath and its not over. Dave is following my lead and finding his goal. I meet his thrusts and urge him to do it. I tell him I know hes close and that he should keep going. He speeds his thrusts even more and soon is lying over my body, his breathing broken and erratic. I smile and turn my head and lips collide with Robbie. He makes love to my mouth while Derek licks my nipple. I feel Robbie crawling over the bed to reach in between my legs. Hes leaning over Sandy and it doesn't look very comfortable. I adjust myself and pull away to pull Robbie closer to me. I smile at the magnetic reaction. Dave's concentration is elsewhere with lacy and Jake.

TBC

135 - last day

Today is my last day at the house. It feels strange to be leaving. I'm not sure why I feel like the world is about to end. I know it wont. It will continue no matter what happens.

I guess I'm just in a melancholy state. Some things have to come to an end. This is just one of them.

On the bright side. A start usually comes after an end. I'm looking forward to it and what happens next. My life is a bit of a mess or so it feels like.

I still haven't found and secured a place. I'm being picky I guess. I need something that fits me the best. fits my life the best and fits the dogs life the best. So Ill be a guest at my sisters for a while. The dogs and I will be apart for some time. I feel bad about that. They are my responsibility after all. I hate to think that something will happen while were apart. The little one isn't in the best of health. I prefer not to inconvenience anyone. A small voice in my head says to let other people help. I guess in this case I have to.

The things I worry and think about lately...

If I sign a lease for an apt. I know I will be moving again one day. Ive become a professional mover. My sister and I have become that. It feels like I am throwing away money as its not an investment in a house like I want. Ill be paying rent so I can temporarily call this place home. I will have not invested any money into a home. Signing a one year lease feels like a huge commitment.

A friend of mine said that it might not be an investment in a house. But its an investment in me, I can learn things on my own and enjoy being on my own. It made a lot of sense. Thank you.

If I buy a house. Its an even bigger commitment. One that I am torn about. I want one but I'm scared to grow old still paying for the mortgage. Standard terms are for 25 years? I talked to the bank and they have raised it to 30 so I have the choice. Ill be in my 50s by the time I will have paid it off. Barring a large sum of winnings via lottery... but we all know that's a pipe dream :)

I don't want to be stuck with something like that. What happens if I want to go to school for something? Travel for a long period of time? Someone has to make those payments for the house, not to mention utility bills. That someone will most likely be me.

Is it worth it? To have that around only to have worked just to pay it off after 25-30 years? What kind of enjoyment is there? Arg. I know. Its yours. Something to call your own, something you can share with your family and friends. A place to call home. Something to pass on to your children. Security.

So I am thinking if I am scared of a one year lease... I have no business thinking of a house. Yet. I'm not sure I think its my unrealistic dreams of traveling, of being someone that goes to places and needs to be on the go all the time. Jet setting around the world to learn about other people, culture and lands. Share the wonderful me to all the people , places and things that I can be a part of.

How about an RV? A moving home? I can go anywhere and I would be home. How would I get mail? Ive yet to think it all through but its seems like an interesting idea to follow up on.

BAH. Wake up Darling! Its time to put away these thoughts and get on with it. Life waits for no one.

134 - saboteur?

Am I a saboteur? A traitor? A double agent? A master plan foiler? Am I going to lead myself to my own demise? Am I really my own worse enemy??

Why do I allow myself to counter the good that I do? Is there a part of me that's inherently evil? Is there a way that I can make it so I don't screw myself anymore than I have?

For every success there is failure ready to catch me, waiting. For moments of glory the moment of defeat is always happy to see me with open arms. The times of happiness fleeting compared to sadness that befalls me.

Is it human nature to go against your own ideas? Knowing something isn't good for you, knowing that its dangerous, that its not healthy. What makes people do things they know aren't good, smart of safe?'

I find myself questioning everything I am doing. The decisions I make, the thought process of making a decision. The way I go about performing everyday things. The reasons for why things are the way they are. For the way that people are. What brings them to places of happiness, sadness and everything in between and on the outside to the extremes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe I am being a bit negative but the world isn't very pretty. There are many things that can be improved on and many things shouldn't be happening. There is a large gap between people. There is a large gap between people and the environment.

Is it because people don't care? That's what I think. People just don't care. If they did, would they really litter? Would they abuse the many things that is given to us just by being born? The air we breathe? The water that sustains us?

Who does injustice? We are all responsible. We are all at fault. I just know that I'm a part of the problem. I'm not perfect and I succumb to the lazy uncaring part of life.

I'm sorry, Ill do better

133 - captive

It calls to you. You need to know. You want to know. Has anything new happened. Where have they gone? What did they do last night. Anything interesting? Maybe it wont be anything nice. BUT it could be something great. Something neat and sweet. Funny, scary, thoughtful or something on the opposite end. Whatever the case may be. I want to know.

What is it that makes me come back. What is it that calls to me. I dont know this person not personally, physically or emotionally. I dont know them and yet I want to be with them? I want to spend time with them and be more like them. I want to know them. Be their friend and talk to them. They seem so fascinating. I want to be in close proximity so that some of the what? the excitement? The characteristics, the habits, the ideas, the life can rub off on me??

Their life seems so. Much. More. What is it? Is it their writing, the style of writing? The way they share their thoughts. What they share? How they share? I dont know what it is that keeps me coming back. I just know I do, want to come back. I want to know what I might have missed. If I have missed anything.

A different place, a different life. A different perspective. So unlike my own. Is that it? Is it because theres such a drastic difference in the life we lead? Do I want what they have? Yes. I want to live that life. It seems so fascinating. If I cant live that life. Then I want to be close to it. I want to know everything there is to know about them.

Its intense. Its almost a painful process. I fell in love. Can I say that? Or did I fall captive? Im not sure it was love. I loved what I was reading, what it made me feel and think of. The possibilities...

Are you ever captive?

There was such a connection. A one sided connection. I know I will never live the life that they shared with me. I know that I might never hear, see or do anything with that person. Its just something that would have been nice. Its been exciting to be able to glimpse someone life through what they share with me, you, us.

Words sooth me in a way that I cant explain

what I think of when...

I had a crush on a boy once and he was someone that I never had a romantic or sexual relationship with. Much as I loath to admit that. My mind thought up all sorts of scenarios so I was ready if anything were to happen! We were friends. I was one of the guys and any one of those guys wouldn't have had any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with me for fear of being castrated by the rest.

I was too valuable to them to possibly have anything go wrong. I was off limits. This one boy made my stomach clench. Made me press my knees together and made my thoughts run to the mussed sheets area of the mind.

This song reminds me of him leaving. I wasn't asking for a lot. Just. Stay.

I found out sometime later, that he knew I was interested in him as more than friends. I wondered why nothing ever happened. I still wonder that. But its not something that I would ever change. I think it taught me how to appreciate the "want" in a relationship, how fueling desire makes for intense orgasms. It taught me how relationships work and how I handle the dance of flirting.

Somethings are not meant to happen and yet lessons are meant to be learned.


"Stay" by Lisa Loeb

you say I only hear what I want to.
you say I talk so all the time so.

and I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you.
yeah, I missed you.

and you say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard,
I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
or to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.

so I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
the lover's in love, and the other's run away,
the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
well, this is not that:
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.

and I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
you try to tell me that I'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.

you said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.

you said, "You caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go."
"you try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just scared to lose.
and you say, "stay."

you say I only hear what I want to.

My lesson. Sometimes not having a relationship with someone is the best thing that can happen. Even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment. I mean... now my imagine cant ever be challenged when it comes time to how he and I are together... dynamite!

... but.. our paths may still cross... I might find out just how things would be...

132 - 2007

2007 is the year of the Pig for those of you who dont follow the Chinese Horoscope. Im a goat. It says that its a good year for me. The year that just ending was the year of the Dog, wasnt a great year for me, but its great that it is ending!! Always find the silver lining!

Not just because of what I read in this book. But I feel that 2007 will be a great year for me. Me, the earth goat :) Many changes in my life will happen and as long as I stay focused and involved, things will go well for me. Im looking forward to the new year.

The new year represents a start of a new life. A new adventure. A clean slate to move forward in my life. Ill be living in a new place soon. Ill have my own furniture, my own everything. Ill be able to walk around in whatever I decide and if that happens to be nothing so be it! lol

All the best in your 2007 everyone!

As I mentioned before. Here is a list of things Id like to happen in 2007. Its not set in stone. The world wont end if I dont get to cross things off. Ill just have to leave it on the list and keep adding to it.

Purchase a house
Travel more... to many many places... yes even there...
Explore more of many aspects of life
Be more social with people I wouldnt ordinarily be social with
Spend more time with family and friends
Bungee jump
Participate in other card games that I dont usually play or know how to
Buy fancy expensive cigars... why not?!
Learn how to play craps at the casino
Skydive
Scuba Dive
Watch more theater/art/plays etc
Go to a Nascar/F1 race
Gamble on live horse races
Make rice crispies squares for the first time ever... brownies too!
Win the Lottery ... hey.. a girl can wish!
Be better at keeping in touch via phone, email etc.
Be more organized with all aspects of my life
Start a new hobby
Invest more, think of my future
Learn how to drive standard/manual vehicles
Get a fishing license
Spend a weekend at a cottage with only the dogs and nature
Travel somewhere on my own not knowing anyone at my destination
Learn how to cook other dishes
Update and revamp my blog and how its all set up
Be a tourist in my own town
Take more pictures
Organize those pictures
Make my own ice cream
Find a better job, why not?
Experiment more... in all areas of life
Play more sports
Bake more.. everyone likes something sweet now and again
Work out more... for obvious reasons
Be more positive about myself and others
Eat healthier and cook healthier
Be more involved in world issues
Go to more art shows
Live healthier to enjoy more precious moments
Try new clothes/styles/colors
Be happy
Make people smile
Eat exotic food
Live like theres no tomorrow
Learn how to
Go on a boat cruise
Lear to fy a plane
Enjoy every moment in life
Live simpler
Learn more about myself and others
Make other peoples life easier
Work from home LOL
Have extravagant goals and desires
Set up electronics on my own (wish me luck) LOL
Maintain vehicle better
Learn more about my car and how it runs
Donate time to local charities
Organize photos on CDs and albums
Be more creative
Find other ways to be creative
Learn a language or few
Live simpler
Love abundantly
Host a dinner party/any kind of party
Go to more festivals/shows
Learn how to add pictures to blog
Forgive and forget
Grab onto opportunities
Create opportunities
Take chances
Be safe
Read more
Go to more sports events/concerts
Be more decisive
Save $
Share more, what goes around comes around :)
Visit museums
Grow mentally
Be more active physically (gym)
Write more

Not much of a list really. I know I could have added more to it. When I think of it, there are 365 days in the year. I should have at least 365 things on my list so I can cross one off a day. Well some things take more than a day to accomplish. Others not even a day. I hope to keep adding to this list and when I think of more things Ill make sure to share them with you.

There are also things that I have already done that should be included in this list. Things that I enjoy and that I want to continue doing/working on. Some things Ive shared in other lists and others that ive yet to share.

No matter what you do this year always know that you are in control and you decide what you want to do no matter what kind of situation you find yourself in.

No matter how many people in your life you want to please, no matter how many peoples opinions you have to consider, sometimes the only one that you have to believe is your own. Do whats best for you and things will fall in line for you then others if your heart is pure and your intentions are in the right place.

All the best in 2007 everyone. May your year be what you make it!