167 - body and mind

Last night went well. Though I'm kicking myself in the pants but in a very oh so gentle way that just reminds me hold the leash on my libido tighter... much much tighter.

He calls as I am walking to my car to go home. I asked him where he wanted to meet and he cautiously mentions that he could pick me up. This is sounding more and more like a date, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I freak out for a few minutes thinking 'this is sounding more and more like a date... if its not a date what is it? I do kind of like him in the I'm interested in getting to know you.' But I refuse to call it a date... even if he is coming to pick me up... and were going out together for dinner.

Its strange as I don't have the control anymore. When I drive to meet someone somewhere I can decide when to get there and when to leave. Not having to worry about what will happen after. This is dangerous as I am interested in this guy and the fact that I know he'll be in my apt takes the control away from me and now I have to ... wing it.

So, I am not a mad dater. Actually it comes and goes. Really. He called me while I was in the shower, while I had shampoo in my eyes. He asked what I was doing and I told him. He said that wasn't fair. I laughed and told him not to rush as he might catch me in the nude.

He comes up and we chat for a few moments while my dog holds him away with her playful demeanor. I pull on my leather jacket and walk towards the door and he pulls me in a hug and we lock lips. I am so not in control of this situation. I want to but I don't want to. I want to but I don't want to. I am repeating myself here I know.

I think I don't want to because I want to. Plus this one seems different somehow. You know. He took my hand while we were waiting for the elevator? So he picks me up, holds my hand... but doesn't open the car door for me. Hmmmft! Oh well I can open car doors just as good as the next person.

Dinner was steak, med rare with a red wine sauce. No desert as I was worried about eating meat after not having done so in a while. No, I'm not a vegetarian. I just haven't had red meat in a while.

So after dinner, after covering many topics of interest, after listening to a live entertainment from a pianist. We head out and pass by the casino and I casually mention that I don't fully understand roulette. I mean I get the gist of it but not the whole thing. He quickly turns the car around when its safe to do so and were off to spend some money and hopefully make some as well.

I learned and enjoyed myself. My chip color? Girlishly pink. So apropos. The men laughed when I shared my delight in getting pink for my chips. So I give myself away as someone who has no idea how it all works. Endearing, I am sure.

So we play for a good part of an hour and I don't end up winning anything. He however makes most of what he started with. It ended well and we headed out.

Enter the feeling of dread. Do I? I want to. But I don't want to make it seem too easy. Honestly this libido is a curse. Someone available? Willing, interested. (I'm hopeless) So as hes driving up to my place. I turn to him and tell him if he should so decide to come up he may leave more frustrated than he already is. That's my way of telling him hes not getting the coochie.

He looks at me and leans in and kisses me. Nice. No stomach... Do not start to flutter in anticipation!!! Too late. Pull away and start to reach for the door handle. He puts his hand on my thigh and tells me he'll take his chances. Dear God Help.

Again, he reaches for my hand. I don't censor and actually say 'holding hands already?' He doesn't let go instead he caresses my hand. I have to unlock the door to the building so we separate. We enter the elevator and after the doors silently closes. He pulls me to him and slants his mouth over mine. My mind is screaming slow down and my body is holding itself in check. His hands on me, body flushed against mine. Hes ready. I can feel him and hes pushing himself against me.

The doors swing open and I pull myself away and walk into the hall. Inside I offer him a drink and we sit on the living room. I eye the opposite corner of the sofa and find myself seated right next to him. Traitor of a body doesn't listen to my mind! Who controls who!

Kisses and caresses... Mind and body battling and the night continues...

My phone rings not too long after he leaves and asks if I am OK. I tell him I am and that he is sweet to call. He says he'll call later in the evening and I say OK. I am asleep when he calls... or I tell myself, that's what I will tell him when I talk to him next.

There is no predicament and yet it feels like there is.

166 - evil

I almost forgot to mention D. Met him about 2 weeks ago. A little after F. Nice person, easy to talk to, easy to laugh with and met for drinks late one night last week, weren't able to spend much time together that night but it was nice to get some face time.

We do however talk on the phone and he calls out of the blue to say hi. Sweet. Funnily enough I don't have his number so I don't do any of the contacting. Which suits me just fine at this point, there is no pressure on me to do anything. HA! Makes me look lazy doesn't it?

We'll talk about many things and I'm worried there may come a time when there is nothing to say. Isn't that worrisome? It is to me. I know there is a world to talk about but sometimes I think of silly things like running out of things to say.

He has a nice voice. Have I mentioned this weakness? Maybe lol

He laughs nicely. It makes me smile. I even told him that in a conversation one time. I cant help that I have no censoring button sometimes. Or I do but it goes on strike when it pleases. Anyway he said it was cute that I told him. I blushed, thank goodness he couldn't see me over the phone. Silly me told him that I was flushed. He laughed. Which made me smile. Silly cycle. I feel like a girl. This is a good thing. I need a manly man. I don't quite know what it is that I want or need but its a work in progress.

I have no idea where this will lead. So far its leading to dinner tonight then he heads off for lands unknown. Actually back to his place about 4 hours away. With plans to move closer due to a better paying job which I have told him that he'll need to try to work me in somehow. Into the company that is. Its not all about sex you know :) Usually.. but not always.

So I'm nervous and excited about tonight. I have no idea where were going but I know ill have fun. Dressing pretty modest tonight. If you call a low cut top modest. I think its amusing to see men try to keep their eyes from dropping down. I know I can be evil sometimes. Don't worry I wont hold it against him.

Everything happens for a reason right? I will be wearing that for a reason. To be amused. Possibly to make sure he is pleased with that aspect of.. my anatomy. We shall see.

165 B

Scratch C off the list.

Ive just been told that hes not in the market anymore. People need to be more cautious. That's all I have to say about that. I don't know if Ill hear from him again if ever, I might just be one big reminder of his stupidity. Darn. But c'est la vie.

As fast as something happens it goes away just as quickly. There are no regrets. No what ifs. Just if it happens it happens. I didn't even have time to imagine the possibilities. Oh well thats not the only iron...

Those of you who wish to play with fire. Know the rules, and cover your ass. Beware the Ice that you live with.

I know you re eager, but its not worth it to have to look over your shoulder all the time. Better safe than sorry. All the best and if there is ever a next time. Do not leave things lying around in the open.

Amateurs.

On the bright side, 1 called this morning teasing me about being desperate for him. He wishes, I told him its just his voice I want to hear. He laughs which makes me smile. We talk for a few minutes while I ignore work and other peoples attempts to get my attention.

I have excess energy, flirting energy. Must. Needs an outlet. I can see trouble ahead, but the good kind of trouble that people want but are scared of.

A friend of mine just told me as per my name and careful analysis. I would be best suited as a reality Tv star. He pauses after reading that to me and said it would really need to air late at nights and be rated R. We laughed good and hard him at possibility of it. Me at the accuracy of it.

165 - one after another

What a night. A bit all over the place.

So plans with the girls fell through which was fine as I was able to make alternate plans. With C. I rushed around for a bit making sure that I had everything taken cared of at home so I dont worry about anything while I am out.

I find myself waiting at the designated meeting area thinking about why I am there meeting C. Nice guy, funny, interesting. All good things but thats how it all starts. With your best foot forward. No one starts off with their bad habits. So I continue to wait.

And wait. I read a little bit as Ive got a book under my seat from a while back. Someone had lent it to me a while back. No wonder it was under the seat, it did nothing for me. So I put it down and let my mind wander.

I thought of the past week or so and how busy I have been. How much fun its been and I thought of the recent people that Ive met. Good and bad. The bad just strengthens my resolve to be better and do more good. The good just makes me want to not be. Twisted? Very.

Im not dating anyone. I dont know that I can. I dont know that anyone wants to date me firstly. Secondly what the hell do I do in a monogamous relationship? Ill be honest and say I havent got the best track record for relationships and some people would probably recommend that I not be a part of that group of stable duo. Others think I would be fantastic in the right one.

What do I think? Ive got one foot planted firmly in case I need to run. Its a funny thing sometimes. Wanting something that I have never had. Not really knowing what it is, in its simple/complex idea. How do you have a goal when you dont even know what that goal is. A man? No, thats not a goal. A relationship... with a man.

Ill make a list for later as I think it deserves its own post.

So after thinking of a lot of things and wondering what my social life has in common with the transit system. If you miss this one, theres always another one on its way.

I look at my radio clock in my car and decide to give him 5 more minutes. As my mind continues to contemplate my life. My cell phone rings. I dont recognize the number but I have a feeling its C. on a different line.

Hes calling to apologize and cancel due to something that doesnt involve me. I am surprisingly not pissed off. Disappointed, which is much worse than being pissed off. So I drive off patiently scrolling down my list of numbers until I hit 1 (ill give him a proper letter later). Call, leave a message and drive home. I contemplate retail therapy but decide against it. I drive by tempting restaurants and continue past them.

Pulling into the garage, I try 1 again. He answers and asks if I can call him back in about 20 minutes. Hes driving home and will be more comfortable and settled. Check time and count the minutes.

In the meantime I walk and feed the dogs. Look at the time and think that I am sufficiently late in calling back. I pick up my phone and it rings in my hands. I pick up and say hello. Its S who has recently moved back to Ottawa from Toronto. Hes been busy and havent been able to call me for a while. I wrote this one off a while back and dont find myself leaning either way with him. We talk for a while. Catch up and my mind drifts from 1. S mentions he is hungry and I tell him that I have spaghetti for dinner. He mentions that he would love some and somehow swingles me over to his place with a large bowl of spaghetti.

On my way I give 1 a call to try to set something up. Or just talk. He has a nice voice. Im a sucker for men with nice voices. did I mention that before? We all have our weaknesses. I wont share all of mine at one time...

We make small talk while Im at his place and we eat and talk. We watch some television. Some poker tournament and I impress him with my ability to count cards. I dont really count cards. Its just a game of probablility and statistics as far as what is coming up on the river. Anyway. Hes impressed and I laugh silently at what impresses people.

After they announce the winner I take my leave. No hanky panky. A double kiss, a walk to the elevator with clean corningware and I find myself on the road again knowing that Ive just left a man that wants to see me again. The problem is. Im not sure I want to see him. We shall see. sometimes these things take time.

I call 1 and leave an apologetic mssg, leaving my # for him to call me back when hes able and I mention jokingly that no its not the stalker girl thats desperate for him.

I get home and feeling restless and knowing that if I go out again I wont be home until late. I unzip my boots and get undressed, I take it all off in the living room as I watch my reflection from the window. I imagine other ways to end the evening which makes me smile. I love living on my own. I gather my clothes and place them on the foot of my bed.

After washing my face and brushing my teeth I slip under the covers and my phone rings. T, Softspoken and interesting. We talk for about an hour. He works strange hours, 12 hour shifts but gets 3 days off in a row sometimes. Nice guy so far. Another we shall see.

He thinks that Im funny and witty. I made him laugh and made him blush a few times. We seem to get along. Which makes me think. I get along with everyone. How do I know if its just getting along with someone like I always do or if its anything more?

Something I was supposed to do today.. oh... 1!

164 - lost and found

Drinks tonight with C. It wasn't planned for tonight but what I had planned needed to be cancelled as there were circumstances that were out of my control. Close friends getting together for drinks, cheesecake or some other form of sweet delights and of course, salacious conversation about who is seeing who and all that fun stuff. Not tonight.

Tonight drinks with C. Hes a talker and hes open. It should make for a good night. We've talked on and off and he happened to lose my number at some point and we lost touch for a while. Then with a twist of fate. He happened to get a hold of it somehow. Its an amusing story that Ill save for another day.

So back to C where I find conversation that's flowing and the teasing and the getting to know you beginnings. So far so good. Tonight should reveal plenty as I either like to get things out in the open right away so as not to waste any ones time. Or I like to take things slow and let anticipation build.

Both ways have their own pros and cons. I don't mind one over the other. I try to take things as they come and figure it out when it happens (or so I like to tell myself) HA!

Well, as usual, I'm not sure where this will go if anywhere. But I am looking forward to it.

163 - description

Bah! I cant be right for everyone can I? Its been proven. Not all men lust after me. Want me or even like me I'm sure. In fact some don't even find me anything appealing. Strange, but true. Some wont want to talk to me, others wont want to be seen with me. Its all a matter of preference and we all have them.

I started this post rather differently and rather violently. Then decided to change the whole thing and share my moment of clarity. I am not nor will I ever be what men think of in their fantasies. I'm just being honest. I'm not what typically is defined as fantasy material, poster girl or pin up. I do know that there are some men out there that might possibly think of me as someone who plays a part in their fantasy. There has to be!! ... there just has to be...

I am what I am, in all its entirety, with all my glorious quirks and quibbles, simply. Me.

Its hard for anyone to know someone really well. There is so much to a person and that person is always evolving into someone new. Take for example someone you knew when you were young and lost contact for a few years or so. Meeting up with that person is a different event as that persons life experiences makes that person grow and mature into someone ... more than who they were. There are remnants of the person you once knew. Its still the same person of course, just older and wiser with more life experience than when you last knew them.

Meeting someone new and finding out about that person is always an adventure. Its exciting. Fun and sometimes can be consuming. Herein lies where this all came from.

I met someone that had the same interests and had the same likes and dislikes with enough differences between us to keep things interesting. I'm a very open person and very friendly. I'm also very vulnerable as I am very open and friendly. No that's not what makes me vulnerable. What makes me vulnerable is that I am naive and gullible. I had no expectations for where this connection would lead and it was just interesting to see how things would play out.

No, not R... this one was errr lets assign F to this guy. (F for Failing to meet the grade)

Conversation went very well and there was some chemistry, enough to interest further exploration into this new development. Somewhere towards the end is where it gets interesting, at the end of the conversation he said he wasn't sure it would work as hes looking for something else. Mainly someone who was smaller and more petite as that was his preference.

I was taken aback somewhat and really after a moment of shocked. Then my thoughts were as follows. 'What an idiot. He has no clue what hes missing out on and I cant save everyone from their stupidity. I hope he finds someone that hes happy with. Hopefully that person doesn't find his penis to be inadequate and decides to go elsewhere... After all everything comes back full circle.

I also thought of the experiences this man will be missing out on. Not just with me but with anyone else he doesn't want to associate with on a friendly or even intimate level all based on what he wants to have.

I wasn't mad after a while. I had a great sense of relief that I wouldn't be spending time with someone with a narrow mind. In fact I kind of feel bad for him that hes boxed himself in. Maybe one day things will be different for him. If not. At least I wont be around with him. Hurrah!!

So I'm not the object of peoples fantasies. Darn!

So here is my description for all of you who are curious. I know... long awaited... much anticipated...

I have short curly green hair with as many split ends as possible.
I have green eyes to match, however my right eye is a glass eye.
I am 4'5, though with my hunched back I'm really 4'3
I have really bad acne and have one sized 12 foot.
I have a peg leg for the other.
I weigh in at 350 lbs but... without the glass eye and peg leg I'm at an even 225lbs....

...Naked.

What You Didnt Know...

You didnt know that Id become who I am did you?
That I would be this person with ideas of how life should be, of how people should live, of what I think is fair and just. Maybe not right or correct or proper. But it fits me just perfectly and if you took some time to think about it its fitting for a lot of people.

Theres a lot you dont know. A lot you wouldnt believe. There are things that you might not like. I know you wont like. Maybe something that no one will like. Thats ok with me, for I am the one that lives with it all. If its something I can live with and accept, why cant you?

I make sure that you arent involved. Nowhere near involved. I make sure that I hold it close to me and make all the decisions. Only putting myself in the line of fire should it come that way. If things get too tough I can always stop. Take a break, relax and start again. If thats what I want.

162 - dawning

Ok so I met someone Ill call him R and we hit it off. I always hit it off. Im easy to get along with. I like good conversation and I like to learn about people. Which I guess people enjoy as most people like to talk... and I like to listen. Imagine that?!

So we talked about general things and the things that we both enjoy. Most of things we talked about went over well with each other. When things start to get a bit on the edge of something new and different. I always wonder at the best way to approach things. This time I think I did it right.

Its a case by case thing. No one situation is similar as each person is different. So youve got to think of personalilties, temperments and all sorts of things.

So here. With R, we were being quite open and frank. I remained Darling and he remained R :)So when he gave me a situation and asked how comfortable I would be I paused and answered as I always do, honestly and simply(aim for simple but it doesnt always end up that way). I said that its an idea that I would be interested in looking into, depending on how things progress, that it may be a possibility however if theres one thing that would definately turn me off would be if I was rushed.

I aslo said that 'I hope that gives you an insight of my personality' That seemed to be the right thing to say as he wanted to make sure that I was aware that he doesnt want to rush into anything as well.

I very well cant just lay everything out right away. It would make some people run away, for those that dont run, they would flock around me. Have to be careful... though his idea was kind of interesting...

Good, glad that settled that. Bring on the next thing :)

So not sure where this will go. Maybe nowhere. Maybe somewhere. Wherever it goes. Im sure that Ill learn a few things. We shall see.

I started this post last week sometime and wanted to look it over again before posting it. For a moment I couldnt remember who I was talking about here. Then it dawned on me... and well. So far its gone nowhere. Thats no bother though as Ive been quite busy :)

Dream, fantasy, truth or fiction

" God, I have to take this call..I'm sorry... but don't go anywhere.

I swing my legs over his shoulders instantly missing his lips kissing me intimately. I walk to the other room and I am aware of just how intimately he was kissing me. A delicious shudder goes up my spine and Im looking forward to the rest of the evening.

'Hello Darling here'

'Hi Darling, how are you?'

'I'm good thank you, where are you?'

'Ive finished my meeting and I'm in my car.'

I think, where has the time gone? Oh wait. Yes time has wrapped around my libido.

'OK, where are you headed?...Great Ill meet you there in about 30 minutes?'

I turn and see him watching me from the bedroom door. 'Going somewhere?' I walk towards him, our eyes lock and I lean up to him to reach his lips which he lets me take advantage of. His hands wrap around me and lifts me up while I wrap my legs around him.

He walks to the bed and lets us both fall on the softness. I lean on my elbows as he makes his way to my nipples and back to where we were when the phone rang. His hands pushing me wide apart. His tongue and lips bring me to a place that's so familiar. My head arched back, I bring my body down flat on the bed and my hand finds his hair, the other stretched out reaching for something. Fingers splayed wide and then clutching the sheets.

My hips start to move in tune with his tongue and soon my body wants more, more than this. I spin and now I'm on all fours and he turns and slips himself underneath me and continues his attack on my body. I lean up and look down at him and see the intent on his face as I know he wants me, he wants me to cum. Where I am. As I am.

His arm reaches around and strokes me. Bringing me to where he wants. As my body shudders over him I fall on my elbows as he slips behind me and rubs himself over me making my body quiver. He slips himself inside me and holds nothing back from me. Full strokes with loud slaps of our bodies being heard and I tighten myself as I can feel the waves of pleasure flow through my body.

I turn my head to the side and see our reflection and that triggers an intense wave which makes me whisper 'that's hot'. He turns to where I am looking and our eyes lock onto each other and in its private intense moment we both watch each other fall over in satisfaction.

We lie in bed for a few minutes and a familiar ring is heard and he laughs and tells me to go get it. I jump out of bed and make plans to meet with someone in about 10 minutes.

'Ill walk you to your car' he says and I smile at him and kiss him on the cheek. I ask if he wants to come with me and have a quick bite. He declines and tells me to come over again to visit the next day.

Parking my car and walking carefully down the ice covered sidewalk. I wonder what my hair looks like. I shake my head after a secretive smile and know that the disheveled look is always a head turner. I walk into the restaurant and take a look around. I feel a tap on my shoulder and I smile and introduce myself. We sit and order drinks and talk for a little while. Slight banter back and forth and short amusing stories exchanged.

We make general inquiries about each other and I mention his drive home. He looks at his watch and scrunches his nose. He looks up at me apologetically and says that he needs to get going. He walks outside with me and we both lean in for a friendly hug goodbye. Our lips touch, teases and soon our tongues are dancing.

We pull apart after a few moments and I smile shyly and he has a look of wow on his face and I wish him safe driving and walk away.

161 - curious

Darn my curiosity.

It will get me in trouble one day. One day Ill meet someone that will take offence to my ever present curious nature.

I have no malicious intent when I am curious. I just want to know. The what, where, when, how and whys that is your life. Its fascinating. I find people fascinating. Some more than others. But fascinating the same. People make decisions based on different things at different times. They are who they are because of many things.

We all have/lead different lives. I think its very interesting to see how people are leading theirs. What decisions they have made in the past to bring them to where they are. The thoughts that go into things. The considerations that they keep in mind when making decisions. The reality and base reasons people do what they do.

I'm curious.

If I haven't gotten to you yet. Don't worry, some time, maybe in another lifetime. Ill get to you. If you blog, you've already let me in and you've already satisfied, to a small degree, my curiosity. So thank you.

If you don't blog, well. I hope that you let me indulge every so often.

What happens to the things that I learn? Good question. I'm not sure. I guess I use it to
1. Help relate to it in any situation/experience Ive had.
2 Learn from it.
3. Grow.
4. enjoy and share a laugh.
5. See how its something that made you into you.

Theres much more. But importantly. I like people.

Were all a part of each other in a way. Me meeting someone will inevitably change that persons life in some way or another. My life, decisions, choices, actions that involve this person will influence them somehow and vice versa. Always hope for change in the positive side of things.

To understand someone, the ins and outs, the whys and wheres, the whose and whens. I'm happy when people are open. Even if it takes some time. Its still interested because they are cautious for a reason. Why? Well... lets find out.

I wonder if someone out there is curious about my who, wheres, whats and whens. I'm sure there is even I am one of their little indulgences or one of their little secrets...

160 -open

I think I'm losing it. Just for the moment though. I don't think it will last long. I do know that this wont be the last time that I feel this way. Meaning Ill have another segregated moment of feeling like this. A moment where I'm hit with this greatness.

I was writing an email and I'm hit with intense feeling of something I cant describe. Maybe If I tried I could. Maybe if I wanted to try to explain it I could. I wont as its too intense to think of and ill just tear up again. Good tears. Cleansing ones. Felt like cleansing ones anyway. Almost one big sigh of rightness.

It felt good so I have a thank you to send out to this person. Though I'm sure I should probably keep my insane thoughts and neurosis to myself on this one. The thing is, I didn't. Not that I don't care about what other people think of me. I do. Really, sometimes too a point that is silly. Oh, don't tell me I'm the only one. I know I'm not :) But on certain things when it comes to matters of importance. I like to think that I'm pretty open and able to share.

I also know that I'm pretty fragile sometimes and always hope for the best and realize that what I have done can always turn around and slap me in the face. Not all things work out which I also know. I'm not thaaaat naive.

'Expect the worse... hope for the best.' Some people might like that saying or like to think that way. I can see how it can seem a bit negative, it isn't, plus its always good to be on your toes.It works for me. Kind of always makes me aware of possible things that might happen. The good and the bad. The ugly can stay where they are :)

So anyway. Sometimes Ill gather enough courage to do something that I wouldn't ordinarily do. Like actually go up to someone and give them my phone number (I should probably think of asking for their number.. that would be a first lol) or send an email. So I bring those two up because last night I didn't give my number to someone. I wasn't sure if they would have used it or not. But now I know he will never use it. I made it happen by my lack of courage. Darn! Nothing ventured nothing gained :)

The email I sent. That was more of a sharing than anything, I shared what I was thinking and thought why not send it. It was going to go into the folder that contains random things, letters, lists and the like so I decided to just let it out and share it.

I decided to just send it. LOL with some apprehension and some dread on how things would be taken. I just decided to send it just to send it and share the things on my mind. Why not? The only person it would hurt if anything would be me. If that. So .. minimal losses, though I don't think that will happen (crosses fingers lol) I know that some people aren't comfortable with other peoples thoughts, mindsets and feelings. I just hope that its not misinterpreted.

I'm just that open to tell someone that I really like them but not as a forever thing. Maybe... maybe it is... as a forever thing.. like I want you in my life forever, in any way that you are comfortable being in my life. Like as a friend/lover/confidante.. anything. Just as a general I like you as a person and think you are wonderful. I'm glad to have been included in your life/mind/ party/ wedding. blah blah blah. I don't know if people would generally take it that way. I hope its not taken in a way that would remove them from mt life. I hope they don't read anything more into it that it was meant to, more of a sharing and a way to just express myself as I am just that open.

So as you've noticed on some posts here I am open, I do talk about things that are happening. There are more things that I don't talk about but that's for another time, when the time is right. But I share and I feel there's no reason to hold anything back. Things will happen as they do and if there is something that I say to someone that isn't taken well. Its not out of malice, its out of 100% genuine Darling :)

Anyhoo, its just a matter of life going on and doing different things. Doing things outside the box. doing things outside my comfort zone for what else will make me learn and grow.

We are all on our own personal journey. I just happen to be more open about mine sometimes.

What I think Of When...

This song I heard in a coffe house sung by a friend of mine. I fell in love with the song and memorized it and still remember it. I remember singing this song walking in the rain, heading home one day. The rain coming down hard, drowning my clothes and my hair. I remember feeling happy and free. Untouched by the stresses of life.

I walked and sang this song out loud. I would laugh out loud throughout the song because there was so much peace and happiness in me. Uncaring of who would hear me, I felt like a star. No one could have brought me down.

Both Hands
By Ani DiFranco

I am walking
Out in the rain
And i am listening to the low moan
Of the dial tone again
And i am getting
Nowhere with you
And i can't let it go
And i can't get through...
The old woman behind the pink curtains
And the closed door
On the first floor
She's listening through the air shaft
To see how long our swan song can last
And both hands
Now use both hands
Oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing
Graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
How hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
Like the tides of my life,
And the rest of it all
And your bones have been my bedframe
And your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
To offer up the deep
With both hands
In eachother's shadows we grew less and less tall
And eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
And i'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
And eventually the landlord will come
And paint over it all
And i am walking
Out in the rain
And i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
And i am getting nowhere with you
And i can't let it go
And i can't get though
So now use both hands
Please use both hands
Oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
Hard we tried
How hard we tried

159 - initial contact

What is it about the initial contact with someone? Is it the anticipation? The unknown or is it the knowledge that the challenge is on? If there even is a challenge. Is it not knowing how things will progress and how things will evolve.

Always with no expectations of anything specific. I go into these things just very laid back and open. I follow when they want to lead and lead when I need to take it somewhere else.

The possibilities are endless and the anticipation mounting. Is it wanting something that you cant have or is it knowing that in a second it can be mine if things should happen that way. Strong, confident words coming from someone that isn't always.

I wonder if its all me and all in my head. Do I create the challenge that lays before me or does it manifest with every action, discussion, thought and encounter. I wonder if the other people go through this. They must. I'm sure.

I also wonder if anything is being reciprocated. Why do I want to know? So I know if there is any interest headed in my direction. So I know what the interest is in. Whether its something platonic, something more than platonic OR no where close to platonic and have delved into the land of something or another.

I'm curious.. what can I say?

158 - torture

Torture is sitting within one foot of a man with beautiful hands. Long, straight and nicely trimmed. Perfect. A watch on his left wrist. Silver. Classic.

Long fingers that I was picturing inside me. Filling me. Pushing me to orgasm. My mind was screaming at him to touch me. Anywhere. I took it a step further and though if he doesn't touch me ... I will. He can stay and see what he could be doing and hopefully... well.. you see where its going.

It was probably a one way attraction though. He was here for work. As was I, but I get pulled easily into imagining me on his lap or on the desk with him in between my legs somehow. Hand, face or hips.

I found myself not paying attention to some of the things he was talking about and had to ask him to repeat himself.. a couple of times. I bet he thought I had a mental deficiency or something. I could tell him what I was missing and that would include him and his nice hands...

He asked me a question which I fully understood and I would look away and imagine us in a compromising yet highly pleasurable situation. I must have sighed with something other than interest.. more like sighed with need because he asked me what I was looking at and followed my gaze down to his hands on the printouts he had brought. Thinking he was covering up what I was looking at he moved his hand, the actual object of my gaze, away.

I told him I was thinking and smiled a secret half smile, thinking he has no clue what was on my mind, but oh how I wished he did and wanted the same things. I was contemplating out and out propositioning him. But what would I have told him? Meet me at this place, at this time and make sure you're alone OR Tell me where you are staying and Ill meet you there after work or if you want why don't we just go there now?

My breasts were instantly aware of the attraction and was hopefully attracting some of their own. I was a little worried that the need/want would show in my eyes if I looked him directly in the eye... seeing as I was still reeling from recent goings on in the past few days. So I would look him in the eye as its only polite and I would be rushed with images of my hands in his hair, behind his neck, pulling him close for kisses and then his hands, oh his hands.

They would be roaming my body and leaving a delicious trail of heat wherever they went. I tried to picture him naked sitting across from me but its never the same when one actually sees that person naked so sometimes that doesn't work for me. So I just have images of naked torso against naked torso and for easy access a lift of a skirt and a zipper undone. Union!

Once the meeting ended it was about time for lunch and he said he was looking forward to coming back for another meeting and he mentioned doing lunch. Me and my sex filled mind wants to think that it will be a lunch meeting that turns into some afternoon delight. Its always possible...

:) It gives me something to look forward to when he returns. It can happen... or it could be another face to face meeting with my mind playing marionette with his body, making him move to my whims.. and oh those whims are nice.

I bumped into him again after a couple of hours and I debated whether to ask him if he meant lunch with just the two of us or lunch with together with other people. Lunch eating things off of each others body or lunch at a restaurant fully dressed. Lunch with work in mind or forget lunch totally as that eats up time we could be in coitus. I just smiled at him when he tapped on the window to get my attention.

(sigh) What would I do without this imagination of mine??

157 - antisocial??

Sometimes I feel very antisocial. It doesn't happen often or for long periods of time (I think/hope)

Say on a Monday afternoon after anything that possibly might turn out badly does go wrong such as a run in my stocking, a heel caught on the track at the front door, losing one of my silver rings, not being able to find my lip gloss, forgetting my water bottle, STILL looking at the reminder to get an oil change... at the end of that working day I don't feel much like socializing with someone who just wants to be seen with me. I know this is true as hes always looking around for people who might see him with me. I see the winks that traded back and forth between his 'buddies' I see the 'OK' sign hes giving his buddies that hes got me hot for him as I am supposedly pulled by his personality.

Um no.

I'm polite and spend the few minutes of idle chit chat with him, thinking loudly in my mind, hopefully loud enough that he gets blasted with it. (wishful thinking) What runs through my mind you wonder?

Let me share.

'I need to be somewhere 5 minutes ago, why doesn't he talk to me another time? Cant he tell I'm in a rush? Does he not notice how I'm weighed down by all the things that I am carrying? Maybe if I smile and nod he'll get to the point faster. Answer his questions with one word or a hmm. Do not do anything to encourage more conversation. Oh Darling, dont be a bitch. The world will not end.'

In the meantime, I pull my keys out of my pocket, jingling them around enough and actually drop them on purpose to show how I am not paying attention (You might think I am being rude, after having a day like I did I think I handled it pretty well, no ones head was found rolling around) I'm really just not encouraging any conversation not for the lack of trying but I really didn't know anyone who worked where he did which happens to be back in 1986 as at the time I was 7 years old and was happily running around being a child.

In the middle of a sentence I am saved. My cell phone rings. I don't care who it is. I make apologizing gestures and whisper that Ill see him around. Wave my fingers that aren't used to hold the cell phone and whisper 'toodles'. I turn and walk away. Flip open my cell phone and start to speak 'Hello Darling speaking... yes Ill be there, I apologize... I am on my way... No more than 5 minutes... I'm terribly sorry...' I hate being late.

I look back on that day and feel antisocial. It wasn't all a bad day. I just failed to mention the good things that happened. Like lunch that someone made for me. They came in and said they were in the area and wanted to spend some time with me and knew I was busy... So we commandeered the conference room. Love thoughtful surprises. Must think of a new way to say thank you.

I did have another pair of stockings in my car which didn't run. I was able to go home and relax in one of my most favorite ways (blush) Not until the wee hours of the night of course after things were crossed of my lists and obligations met.

Though I tend to kick myself for feeling antisocial. I don't want to be a hermit. People of the world. I invite you to socialize with me :) and each other of course.

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction

I met him in the lobby where we headed into the restaurant for dinner. We talked and shared some stories and flirted well and intensely. Hands underneath the table were busy. I was rubbing his thigh slightly, softly brushing against him as he grew harder. I had him harder by the time my fingers wrapped around him over his pants.
His hand in between my legs. Lightly stroking me. Teasing me. Our conversation quiets during this time as were both trying to please the other and enjoy silently, not attracting any attention.

Before taking it further we slow things down and eventually behave in time for chocolate mousse. Which we share and discuss how else it could be used for the evening.. playful ideas came to mind.

We take a stroll back up to his room, sharing deep kisses in the elevator. Inside his room he slowly undresses me. Kissing the skin newly exposed. Standing in front of him he trails his fingers over me from my neck to my waist, leaving a wake of small goosebumps.

My nipples hardening with his gaze and soft hands. We kiss some more and its an interesting feeling to be fully naked, flushed against someone fully clothed. the material scraping against my nipples making them more sensitive.

I pull away and start to undress him and as I'm undoing the buttons of his shirt hes undoing other buttons lower on his body. I leave his boxers on and pull his head down for more kisses which I make him chase for a minute.

He had me sit on the desk chair and spread my legs open for him. He stood to my right and tilted the chair back against the desk, so he could kiss me and slip his hand between my legs. It was a great feeling. I like being teased this way...

I also enjoy kissing a lot. Which we did. I was close to an orgasm but didn't... I got off of the chair and had him sit against the bed and with me in between his knees, teasing him, making him hard, getting him harder that I had him glistening for me. I kept eye contact for most of it and showed him how I enjoyed kissing him there. I showed him how much I liked him in my mouth, using my tongue to tease him.

I knew he was close and he didn't want to finish here, though I wanted him to, as I knew we still had a lot of time together. I wanted him to lose control and be spent and happy.

He tried to pull me away, but I kept going, wrapped my lips tighter around him and pressed my face closer to him and took him in deeper. Soon instead of him fighting to set himself free, his hands rested gently on my head encouraging me to do more. His hips flexing up to meet my wet mouth.

When he was ready I pulled away and stroke him until he decorated my chest nicely.

What I think Of When...

This song is wonderful to have in the background during coitus. Thinking about this song makes me imagine being in that situation, slowly teasing, being tantalized. I can see myself slowing leaving a trail of clothes behind me as I walk towards my partner. My hips swaying lightly, teasing. Moving my body over his, shuddering in need with every breath.

It brings forth intense images of passionate embraces with someone. It reminds me of passion that burns bright and hot. Of encounters with someone that should be hands off yet the passion overriding it all. Where both want to go somewhere private and personal.

That's The Way Love Goes Lyrics
Artist:Janet Jackson

Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire
My love is blind
Can't you see my desire?
That's the way love goes
Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire
My love is blind
Can't you see my desire?
x2

Come with me
Don't you worry
I'm gonna make you crazy
I'll give you the time of your life

I'm gonna take you places
You've never been before and
You'll be so happy that you came

Oooooh, I'm gonna take you there
Oo-ooh hoo-ooh oo-ooh
That's the way love goes
Hoo
That's the way love goes
That's the way love goes
That's the way love goes

Don't mind if I light candles
I like to watch us play and
Baby, I've got on what you like

Come closer
Baby closer
Reach out and feel my body
I'm gonna give you all my love
Ooh sugar don't you hurry
You've got me here all night
Just close your eyes and hold on tight

Ooh baby
Don't stop, don't stop
Go deeper
Baby deeper
You feel so good I'm gonna cry

Oooooh I'm gonna take you there
Oo-ooh hoo-ooh oo-ooh
That's the way love goes
Hoo
That's the way love goes
That's the way love goes it goes it goes
Oooh that's the way love goes
Reach out and feel my body
That's the way love goes
Dontcha know
That's the way
Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire
My love is blind
Can't you see my desire
Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire My love is blind
Can't you see my desire?
That's the way love goes
(repeat til song over)

.

I wonder why Ive never had the chance to have this song play in the background... Id like to think its because Ill be with someone who enjoys the song as much as I do... who will use the song knowing what Ill be thinking of, wanting, waiting for... a highly stimulating and mutually pleasureable experience. I wouldnt even mind if it was on repeat ... song and performance.. one day perhaps.

156 - validation

Are you better off single?

In an effort to amuse myself, I found this article and wanted to add my 2 cents and did. Its not all its cracked up to be, but its nice to be reminded once in a while why I choose to be single... and it is a choice. Being single is great but Im sure as you all know even if youre married, engaged, betrothed et al, being single is where it all started. You loved it, hated it, wondered about it and through it all youve always known that no matter who you were with you had to live your life the best way you could. * I understand it might not apply to all the single people out there, so take which ones apply to you and enjoy :)

By Dawn Yanek Attention, unmarried people of America (I am Canadian but ok) You can splurge on a fancy new wristwatch without having to explain yourself. You can stay out till 3 a.m. without having to phone home. You can leave the toilet seat up. In fact, there are many, many ways that single life rocks, though you may forget that fact when your relatives are grilling you about settling down.

In a sad way it validates the reasons I am single. Oh who cares lol Im single and LOVE IT! (if I was part of a couple Id hurrah for that too)

Not only do you have the freedom to do anything you want—Thats right!! it’s also the best time in history to be flying solo. The marriage rate has declined nearly 50 percent since 1970, according to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, and right now, there are approximately 100 million singles in the U.S. And there’s strength in those numbers: “Today’s choose-to-be singles Thats ME! differ from the poor-me singles of past generations; there’s less of a stigma attached to being single, ” says Jerusha Stewart, author of The Single Girl’s Manifesta. “Singles are traveling, buying homes and doing everything they want to—you don’t have to get married anymore to live your life with style.” :)

Want more specifics on why you should celebrate being single? I celebrate every day. Here, 10 fascinating benefits to being unmarried:

Reason #1: You have a better body.
We’ve all been there—you get into a relationship, and suddenly you’re trying out new recipes all the time and cuddling instead of exercising. Not always true BUT it does happen. Well, things tend to get worse with marriage. UH OH!! this happens to some Im sure not all. A recent Cornell University study found that women generally gain five to eight pounds in the first few years of marriage and unhappily married women gain an average of 54 pounds in the first 10 years. HOLY CROW. $#@%!! Ill pass on that one thank you very much!

For the unmarried, though, the motivation to stay slim remains: “Singles look at themselves through the eyes of others and want to be attractive to potential partners,” says Susan Davis Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in New York City I just want to look good all the time and have tongues wagging, one tongue at a time :) Male or female (wink), “so they’re still ‘working on themselves.’ Its a never ending cycle no matter who youre with. In short, being single is way better than any New Year’s resolution or exercise DVD to motivate you to stay in shape. I dont know if I would go THAT far, BUT everyone, married or single should be healthy and treat their body as a temple, not to mention treat their partners body like a temple... now whose turn is it to worship this temple of mine???! :)

Reason #2: You’re more likely to achieve great things.
It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you have the time, the quiet and the lack of familial responsibilities. No matter your age, race, creed or marital status. In fact, your premarital motivation to excel in life may be biologically programmed. According to a study conducted at the London School of Economics and Political Scientists, male scientists who stay single longer peak in their careers later in life and tend to be more productive than their married counterparts. This taken from the same scientists who were in the study left their wives at home :) Who needs grants!?!? Researchers theorize that men, in general, may show off their talents to win the interest of women Oooooohhh really! :) and then, once they’ve won a wife, get comfortable and do less. Boooooo! In fact, studies have shown that testosterone levels, which boost action, decrease after a man gets married and has children. So single folk should know they are primed to achieve — whether that means turbo-charging their careers or honing their rock-climbing skills — and get out there and work it! Work it... and work it good!

Reason #3: You do less housework.
You know that saying about a tree falling in a forest and there’s no one there to hear it? Well, if you leave a sock on the floor but there’s no one else there to see it, does it really need to be picked up? Um yes?! but theres no rush :) If you’re a single woman, you can contemplate deep questions like this one because you have more free time. According to one study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, women do less housework when single than when married. I dont know... I think cleanliness is next to Godliness whether there is a partner or not. Men, on the other hand, do more housework when unmarried (that’s probably because there’s someone picking up after them once they’re wed…). Whoever the lucky one is, they will continue thier mantra of cleanliness is next to godliness. Were human and are all different so is our methods and priorities :) So the message here is for unmarried women to enjoy their less chore-filled life; fill those free hours with classes, good books, blabbing with friends—whatever makes you happy. WHATEVER... makes me happy (wink) whatever makes me happy... whatever makes me happy :)

Reason #4: You can do what you want with your money—including keep it.
Go ahead: SPLURGE on that PRICEY moisturizer or that OBSCENELY large plasma TV or something else thats large you’ve been lusting after. You don’t have to justify your purchase to anyone but yourself. Sometimes thats not just a good thing either, ONE has to be accountable to themselves. Its all about control. Once you mix money with marriage, though, things change—and fast. (sigh) According to a survey by SmartMoney magazine, 40 percent of women and 36 percent of men have lied to their spouses about a purchase. Well if it were a large purchase for me honey... then... go for it :) “When you’re single, your finances are your own,” YAY explains Phyllis Chase, a Los Angeles–based psychologist and co-host of the radio show Shrink Rap. “When you’re married, you have to deal with different styles of spending and saving, and you may take on your partner’s debt.” Ouch, I guess love knows no credit rating. And a marriage that doesn’t make it for the long haul can also have a major negative effect on one’s wealth. According to researchers at Ohio State University’s Center for Human Resource Research, during a divorce, men and women generally lose three-fourths of their personal net worth. Double ouch. Ill be available for you should the time ever come, ill prepared with bandaids and the like. Nurse Darling!

Reason #5: You ( I ) have better sex.
Married couples may have more sex (approximately 98 times a year vs. singles’ 49) Hmm I wonder if I can take a running tally on my sex life. Maybe... ill think about it but singles have better sex. smile According to a recent study published in the British Medical Journal, married women are significantly more likely to report problems with their sex lives than single women. “People who are dating have better sex because it’s novel,” says Davis. “Married people have to relearn how to play. Its all in the chemistry for anyone. It’s natural for singles because that’s the nature of a courting relationship—they tease, they experiment, they explore.” I tease, please, experiment and explore, music to my ears :) They are talking about me tee hee Nature lends a helping hand, too. According to researchers at the University of Pisa in Italy, raging testosterone levels in both men and women makes the sex hotter during the first two years of a relationship. Is that true? your opinions on this last line. Sex is hotter the first 2 years?? Is that why some relationships only last that long?? After that, other hormones take over—most notably, oxytocin, a bonding chemical, kicks in. While getting connected and comfortable is a positive step in a relationship, long-term lovers have to work harder to keep things hot in the bedroom. Singles, however, sizzle just the way they are. SSSIZZZLE!

Reason #6: You’re better rested and smarter.
While snuggling up next to a warm body can be pretty fantastic, I have to say it is nice according to a survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation, your bedmate can cause you to lose an average of 49 minutes of sleep per night. Thats much needed beauty sleep!!!!Sleeping two-to-a-bed just isn’t as restful as snoozing solo. Other studies confirm that singles generally get more rest — seven to eight hours of sleep a night — than marrieds, Maybe its all the sex they are having that I am not? which enhances memory, mood and concentration, as well as allows your immune system to recharge. And, according to scientists at the University of Luebeck in Germany, creativity and problem-solving may directly correlate with getting enough sleep. In the study, participants were given a math puzzle; those who’d had eight hours of sleep or more before tackling it were three times more likely to get the right answer than those who slept less. So, singles, revel in the fact that you’re alert, rested and have that extra brain-power edge. Great give me a puzzle!!! I can do it!

Reason #7: You’re less depressed.
Although the media often perpetuates the image of single people being down in the dumps, NO WAY! NOT ME! overall unmarried people tend to be happier than their married counterparts—if you’re a woman, that is. I am, really :) One report by the World Health Organization indicated that married women, especially ones with children, have a higher risk for depression than single women, and researchers at the University of London found that single women generally have fewer mental-health issues. Weve got other issues that might be discussed in another article/post “Marriage, in many ways, seems to benefit men more than women,” says Davis. “For women, there’s more of a loss of self.” They seem to be doing it wrong then. And, of course, today’s women often feel like they need to do it all—have a career, take care of the kids and perform other traditionally “female” responsibilities. “People who aren’t married are still investing in themselves,” me me me me me says Davis. “It’s not selfish—it’s giving to yourself, and that’s something married people can learn from single people.” There are always lessons to be learned from each other :)

Reason #8: You have better friendships.
Significant others are a wonderful thing, no doubt, but friends count, too. Very much!! And on that front, one study found that, when women get married and have children, they spend much less time with their friends—less than five hours a week, down from 14 hours. Time management ladies :) Singles, however, often have the greatest sense of friendship and community Its true, birds of a feather... —which can actually decrease stress levels, according to researchers at UCLA.

Here's another way to look at this: “Singles don’t rely on just one person to meet their needs. You don’t automatically know who you’re going to spend Friday night with, Box of chocolate anyone??” says Sasha Cagen, author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics. “The plus side is that you have a lot of different people in your life and potentially a greater sense of social possibilities.” Everyone has a purpose, whether its a girlfriend for drinks, a warm body wrapped around me at night, or another movie goer, a shopping friend, an emergency I need that belt friend or the phone a friend for some relaxed conversation.

Reason #9: Your travel tales are enviable.
Marrieds take the most vacations, dominating the market with 62 percent of all trips taken, but singles arguably go on more interesting trips. Arent you all curious now?! According to the Travel Industry Association of America, singles corner the adventure-travel market, engaging in activities like whitewater rafting, scuba diving and mountain biking. Sign me up!! Being single and relatively footloose certainly allows you to expand your geographical — and personal — borders (in more ways than one). “I have lived abroad, backpacked for close to a year, have been in love three times and much more,” says Courtney Davis, 27, a media-relations manager in Boston. “With every place and every person, my world has expanded.” C'est la vie!

Reason #10: You know yourself—and what you want out of a relationship.
You’re a better catch now than you were at 20. Much better but I was still young and adventurous then. Now Im even more so :)You may have signs of, ahem, experience etched on your face, this face?? but that’s OK because you’re more interesting and more self-aware. Aware period. Not only have you grown as a person, but you’ve probably been through the ringer a few times in matters of love and now know what you want—and what you don’t. For the most part, does anyone really know? Experts say that bodes well for future marital success and may actually decrease the likelihood of divorce. Im aiming for just getting it done once and getting it done properly the first time, I also understand that things happen so Im not going to jump off a cliff if it shouldnt work out like I would like :) “When people get married young, they often feel like the other person will complete them, and they have trouble moving past that Hollywood myth,” explains Chase. “But maturity brings so much, because if you’re able to communicate who you are and what you want, the better your chances of having a successful marriage.” ENCORE! "But maturity brings so much, because if you're able to communicate who you are and what you want, the better yout chances of having a successful marriage." And that’s a wonderful message: Your single self is great... and should you find the right person and decide to marry, you’re more likely to thrive in that stage of your life, too. All is going according to plan then... whose plan? :) Lets find out!!

* FYI I just laughed at the I in parenthesis in # 5. Thats not a bum this is ( ) ) Though its a slimmer looking one. Ok . I must go fill my mind with other things...

155 - phone call

He called me. As I was watching a movie at home with my sister. My phone rings. I excuse myself. I check the phone number and its one of the many that my place of work uses. I wonder who it could be and maybe its something important.

Darling Hello Darling speaking

Coworker w my # Hey there pretty lady, how are you?

Darling I'm good thank you, how are you? (its not an important call (sigh) its him)

CoW# I'm good, what are you up to?

Darling I'm in the middle of a movie with my sister. (YAY no awkward and apparent lying for me)

CoW# Oh OK, I just wanted to say hi and talk about a few things.

Darling I see, well, I'm sure we will see each other at work. Anyway, Ive got to get going.

CoW# oh OK, lets get together at work sometime

Darling Have a good night!

That was the highlight of the conversation. I tried to keep it short but it lasted a few minutes. There was nothing interesting and I felt bad for wishing I didn't pick up the call. Should have let my voice mail take it.

So I did give him my real number. I was debating it before. History tells me I would have given him my actual number like I did. (another story for another time)

So I'm still trying to blend in and not attract attention. Silly shoes give me away though. Maybe its time to retire them and find a pair of (gulp) silent, unobtrusive blend into the woodwork loafers? LOL Nah I don't think so. Ill just have to start training in these heels to run :) Better yet, fend off an unwanted advance from the opposite sex.

What do you think? would that be sexier than Lara Croft? pencil skirt, stockings, stilettos, blouse doing roundhouse kicks and back flips? lol

Our paths cross daily and I know that he tries to coordinate my whereabouts with where he will be so I'm always doing things at different times of the day from what I had done the day before. I'm an ordinary girl with an extraordinary social schedule sometimes. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving...

Oh and last night? While I was sitting in my living room. I was hoping someone would magically appear sitting beside me so I could well... sit on his lap and well... grab a handful of cushion tight and hang on...

Just in one of those moods again... still.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Its my sisters Birthday today :) Shes the best. I dont tell her enough that I love her. She knows things about me that not many people do. She has a comfortable couch to sleep on. Her cat and dog are cute and Im wondering what to get her. I know!! Ill get her something we'll both laugh at and that shell secretly love while she pretends its no big deal. Now to find that before dinner tonight.

Theres nothing in this world that I can get her that would show how much I love her. Maybe thats why I am having such a difficult time thinking of something for her. My mind moving to the land of possibilities. Id love to take her on a trip to London or France, Sweden or Australia. Knowing her, shed tell me she would be happy going to San Diego or somewhere on the Coast.

There was a lottery jackpot in the US for something quite large, somthing around the sum of 350 million dollars. If I was lucky enough to win (wishful thinking) Id share. Thats plenty to go around and still have much to roll around in, invest and Id love to make peoples dreams come true if I could...

Shake off the dreamworld for a while. My phone is ringing...

154 - schedules

Im not thinking clearly. It happens once in a while :)

A show called The Vagina Monologues were slated for this past Friday and Saturday. I had invited someone to come down to see the show with me, and stay at my place for accomodations as he would be coming from out of town.

The show played at 8pm both nights. I had invited this person to come down to enjoy this highly recommended show. Preferrabl;e Friday so we can get a whole weekend together doing this, that and the other. I was really excited to go see it... again.

My friends schedule couldnt get him into town for the weekend so, no go. I could have still gone to see the show. I just didnt account for my own schedule which included working all day Sat and Sunday evening. So much for entertaining someone from out of town on that schedule.

Here, have fun! Enjoy your stay. Heres a key if you go out. Oh and could you also take the dogs for a walk? Ill be home late tonight... We'll have brinch Sunday morning, dont worry you wont have to cook. Ill take you out :)

Sometimes things happen for a reason. His schedule didnt allow him to drive down, my schedule would have made it strange as I didnt take any time off.

Things happen for a reason. Now to better organize my time.. or at least pay attention to what is coming up. It should have dawned on me that I was starting to lose my marbles. I usually have things in my planner which this was and this mixup kind of throws me off. Actually it was a tell tale sign that something was around the bend.

Silly me, pay attention to the signs!

What ifs... what if he did come down. Would I still have felt this out of control? what if I took advantage and forever ruined the friendship. What ifs...

153 - measures

I think I have too much on my plate again OR I don't have enough to do...OR the things that I'm doing aren't satisfying something in me that needs it. Which might explain the darker posts that have come lately. The Out of control feelings? Maybe I need to take control of something..

I'm not sure what to do. I don't know what I want and I don't know what I don't want anymore. Its time to reorganize... again. Every so often it needs to be done. Ill be OK. Don't worry too much. My highs are high and my lows aren't often.

I wonder if I want to know any of the above. I imagine going through life in bliss. Not being aware. Is ignorance really bliss. For a moment maybe, but for life? I'm not quite sure.

I would try it out but I'm too aware to ever be really ignorant. Even when I don't want to be. Its there. I guess we all are at some times and in regards to certain things, sometimes on purpose other times.. clueless.

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I appreciate them. It helps a little to be able to just get something as simple as writing it out and getting it out of my mind this way.. even if its relief for a moment.

Today I need a hug... OK I need more than a hug. I was trying to keep it at just a hug. But it wont be enough, I still feel the need to rip off clothes and feel hot skin against my own. How slutty is that. My weakness... sex. Is that possible? Why cant anything be simple?!?

I don't smoke, drink excessively or participate in drugs. Maybe I should? Think of it as a trade off. But really. I think if I had to choose of any of the above I might have to stick with what I already have.

The dark side of Darling rises. Why am I sharing? I don't know. Maybe Ill regret it later, maybe not. I'm honest and you get the good with the bad right. Don't worry there is more good than bad :)

I just want something that I cant name, that I cant describe, that I cant reach out and touch. Maybe one day ill reach out and something will be there. Ive got plenty of time... I think? Oh well Whatever will happen whenever it will happen. I hope I'm around to witness it :)

As is the Darling way. Ill do whatever needs to be done (blush) The whatever Ill leave to your imagination. Sometimes its just a good nights sleep. Others... well.. other measures are taken.

Regular reading pleasure soon to return. Stay tuned.

Feeling much better as things get worked out of my system. Like anything, I like to do things thoroughly... its like feeding an ever hungry beast... selfish and hungry with a one track mind. Interested in one thing. OK maybe a few things but all closely related to each other somehow.

152 - glasses

Why does no one see. Am I that good of an actress that no one sees me? The real me. The one thats calling for help. Help to get me out of this whatever you want to call it. Hell.

I dont ask for help. Ive never done it before. OK, maybe I have but its rare. Ive been able to take care of myself. Its strange this time as I dont know what this is. Where its coming from. Why its happening.

Maybe they are in the same hell I am in. Thats why they dont see, because they are in the same place. Feel the same thing. Lost, helpless and I hate to say it alone. Fleeting as the moment is sometimes, its hell to get rid of.

I wonder who will notice. Who will care, who will help. I smile and wave and my body moves normally. One foot in front of the other, a slight curve of my lip in a smile. My eyes plead with someone to save me. I turn away every so often to brush a stray tear that seems to have pooled in my eye.

Theres less and less eye contact I find. Some people wont look you in the eye when they talk to other people. It is too personal? Too direct or is it that they cant just focus? Maybe its always been like this, why havent I noticed before.

Maybe thats why they dont know, they havent seen my eyes.

I have to get new sunglasses. I think these are crooked...

PS, Im working things out of my system. Still feeling the crunch of it, but soon ill be right as rain. This too shall pass...

151 - not normal

I'm so mad and I want to have sex. I'm so mad. I want to have sex.

Whats wrong with me?

I want to get rid of the anger using sex as the outlet. I want someone that wants to have sex until I have it all worked out of me. I want to get naked. I want to get hot and sweaty.

I dont care right now that it doesnt make sense. I dont care that its not the right,

I want it hard and I want it fast and I want it all over again. I don't want passion or sweetness, I just want to overwhelm whats causing this unease. Until I don't feel like screaming anymore. Until I feel so tired that I cant think. I want to do it until my mind goes blank. Dead inside is the final goal for this whole exercise, that's what it feels like I need. Not to feel this... to replace it with something else. No... going to the gym wont do it, wont help it. This is something entirely different and under the mandatory audience participation category.

I need to do something to take away the feeling I have. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Its not a nice feeling and I want it to go away.

A hug wont do it. A cuddle wont do it. A kind word or compliment wont do it. I need something more. I need something to kill this thing inside me. I want something bigger than what I am feeling. Sex does it for me. I think, Ill question this later and psychoanalyze myself at some point.

Where did it come from. Out of the blue. Unaware. I want to cry. I am now. That will calm me down for the moment. It wont fix it. Calm it, that's it. It will come raging out of control later. Ill have to make sure I do something about it

Damn, I dont want to be out in public, someone throw me in a dark room along without any men in sight. I cant guarrantee their virtue will be safe...

Whats wrong with me.

I'm sure I'm screwed up in a way that needs me to be sitting on someones couch, paying them something silly to try and figure out how I got to be the way that I am.

Maybe.

So much for being normal.

150 - New place

Moving is 99% complete, I need only bring myself, a couple of suitcases that I have been living out of for the past little while as well as the 2 dogs with me. (I'm late in posting this. I am now in the apt)

Ive made a large dent in unpacking since I signed the lease for Feb 1st. The living room/dining room are 80% set up. The kitchen is just waiting for a microwave and more importantly, groceries... if anyone would like to star as the cook of my kitchen, email me.

The bathroom needs a shower curtain, I know its something easy that I can pick up anywhere but I like ones that make you think and wonder. Something reflective (other than the literal term) I think Id like to enjoy something other than the reflections of those that are in the process of ... as nice as that is to see. Something soothing and pleasant will have to do.

My bedroom requires some work. As this is where I will be relaxing and coming home to at night with or without a partner. Id like to be functional, sensual and and and. How to find a balance between all the things that I want in this room? I'm not sure. So in an effort to stall any decisions that need to be made. I am going through the boxes and boxes that I have to find things that I can donate and or give to other people.

Clothes that I haven't worn in a while and that I cant incorporate into my wardrobe. Gone! Shoes that just remind me of an occasion or event and just not my style anymore? Gone. Paper work that's no longer needed for proof of something or another. Shredder! Documents that might be needed at some point. File!

In going through the boxes I get to eliminate things that I don't need, want or care for any longer. It lets me see what kinds of things that I have that I might need in the future. Did you know I have a box full of perfumes that Ive yet to use? These are all ones that I love and enjoy and cant wait to use. They range from your pharmacy variety to the haughty department store brands. No I don't save them for a special occasion. Ive learned that every day is special. I just have extras, other than what I currently use.

My bedroom, covered in boxes. Ill need a few days to clear it all up and store the things that I want but wont use yet as there isn't any place for them.

The second bedroom so far? Housing empty boxes after I have arranged the contents around the apartment.

I'm on the top floor and managed to get a unit at the end. I don't have to worry about the people upstairs running around and stomping their way around their home. I'm not heavy footed so the people downstairs wont have an issue with that from me. They and the people beside me might hear other things in the middle of the night or in some cases in the middle of the day. Ill have to be careful not to attract too much attention to the goings on inside my bedroom, living room, dining room and any of the other rooms for that matter.

I have no blinds up which is nice as its very bright. I do have them. I'm just enjoying the brightness of it all.

Ive done it. It feels good. Now for the next project. Bed and bedroom!