188 - laws?

updated 05/01/07

Happy Monday! :) Happy May! (I'm a day early I just realized but I'm excited about May) I was able to get a lot of things done during my lunch hour so I done ever want to hear anyone say that lunch cant be used to do things.

I had my lunch of beef wellington, roasted potatoes and chili seasoned peas and corn.

Drove about 10 minutes away to get to where I get my taxes done. I also ate and drove at the same time. No worries I used a microwave before I got in my car. Steering with my knee is getting easier :) And no I make sure I do that if I am the only one on the road. Otherwise 10 and 2 it is

I handed in my taxes for 2005 and 2006. Midnight tonight is the deadline for year 2006 and I would rather not have penalties for both years if I can help it. I hope that I don't owe. Ill even consider just breaking even however I have no idea how things will turn out. It almost feels like the lottery. Like... I wonder what will happen if... of course in the lottery all you get is a false sense of hope. Here I could get screwed and the lottery wont do that to you.

Other than that? I picked up some clothes that I had altered, I also picked up a pair of boots I had to have the heel redone. I got myself a peanut butter cookie and drove on back to work in time.

So my lunch hour was the most productive time of my day today.

While I was waiting to see someone about my taxes, I called a few friends and touched base with them and made plans for sometime this week. Talked to my sister and sent a few text messages.
I wanted to do some banking while I was out but I didn't really remember what time I had to be back for and thought that I should get back.

Hope everyone has a great day!

Oh on a work update. The lady who punctured her lung. I know its new to you. She was gone for about 3 weeks and shes back now, her lunch OOPS I mean lung has attached itself to the cavity of something (I should pay attention) I do... really... but if it was my Oh wait.. it attached itself to the chest cavity. I guess I just have bad memory. So shes back, and we've also hired a new girl to work full time. So, as good as I am at what I do. I think its time that I flew the coop.

Ive been thinking about leaving this place for a while and I just haven't found anything. I know I could just not come in one day and the following days after that but I'm too conservative about those things and I don't have the balls to do something that drastic. Answer the door naked, walk down a hotel hallway naked, have sex on a picnic table etc I can do. Leave work to make sure I put myself in a position to find a new job. Chicken.

So if anyone knows anyone who is hiring. Excellent pay with lots of time off, perks and gives me free reign on creativity. Let me know. (I know wishful thinking)

Its always good to put things out there like that.. Laws of Quantum Physics. Or it Law of Darling?

187 - missing

Ive become the girl that's having the time of her life. I do what I want to, when I want to, because I want to. I don't have a roommate to argue with over whose turn it is to do the dishes. I don't have a roommate that tells me I'm not spending enough time with them. I don't have a roommate that borrows my clothes, car et al. I don't have a boyfriend to call during the day to talk to and hear their voice. I don't have a boyfriend who will leave me to my lonesome on boys night outs. I don't have a boyfriend telling me how to maintain my car. I don't have a husband that watches where I spend my money. I don't have a husband who expects dinner when he gets home. I don't have a husband who leaves their clothes on the floor.

Ive become the girl that's having the time of her life. I do what I want to when I want to because I want to. I don't have a roommate to share chores so I have to do it all. I don't have a roommate that cares whether I spend time with them or not. I don't have a roommate whose clothes/car I can borrow. I don't have a boyfriend who calls me wondering what I am up to. I don't have a boyfriend to miss when hes out with his boys. I don't have a boyfriend whose voice Id want to hear during the day. I don't have a boyfriend to remind me to get an oil change. I don't have a husband who will appreciate what I spend my money on. I don't have a husband to pick up take out when I don't feel like cooking. I don't have a husband to pick after me when I leaves clothes on the floor.

The only thing that remains constant is that Ive become the girl that's having the time of her life. I do what I want to because I want to.

I care about people and what happen to them. I am generous with my time, money and am an all around nice person that's been pretty lucky that I haven't had horrible experiences in most areas of my life. I chalk that up to treating people well and hopefully allows the The Powers That Be to look upon me kindly.

No matter whats happening or not happening in my life. It is my life and I am glad for it. It could be worse. Much worse. So, for the things that bother me about what is happening or what is not happening. I tell myself it can always be worse. Enjoy what I have. Other people would salivate over my life, others I am sure would scoff. Me? I just live it.

What more does a person need? I have my health, jobs enough for 2 people, cars that are paid for, no debt, zero balance on my plastic friends and investments that are slowly growing. Dogs that are happy to see me no matter what, family that I can laugh and joke with, girlfriends that I relax and have fun with, men to play and argue with, a world to explore and secrets that would make some people blush...

With all that, there are days when it feels like something is missing.

186 - inadequate

Interest in JB is waning, not sure what to do about it. I find myself in an odd situation. Kind of in between. I don't want to wait until things get totally awkward and the calls and emails turn to yuck. So I'm undecided about what to do. So I think in this case, since I'm not too torn about it all Ill just leave it to fate to see if he gets in touch. There's no point in me trying to figure things out if there's nothing to figure out.

If he wants to get in touch he will, if not then well. There is my answer. To each his own. You've got to put yourself out there in order for things to start rolling and sometimes there is nowhere to roll. You've got to be ready for that. Either way, be ready for anything :)

I do like his voice. What can I say! I'm weak. Don't worry I wont tell him, ohhh I already did. but he might have a short memory. Lets hope that's all that's short (giggles) I thought Id inject some silliness there.

T2, after some time of not seeing each other somehow finds his way through the galaxy to me and were not an item, at all. Not even close. Just a momentary joining of two people. Like ships passing in the night. I like seeing people that I haven't seen in a while. Even though you know them, it was 'them' in the past and things about them might have changed, for the worse or for the better but its always neat to find out. Kind of makes things new. Nice guy.

K mentioned he will be off to Winnipeg for 3 weeks, I cant recall when but its for an interesting course that I asked if I could sit in on. He laughed and said probably not. So he'll be away for that time. He was supposed to come by this passed Wednesday and bring dinner with him. He sent me a text to bow out and asking for a rain check. Hopefully Ill see him before he leaves. We shall see.

B, might never hear from him after last week, who knows. He said he would work out some things and get in touch with me. Maybe Ill touch base with him sometime next week... keep the lines of communications open right?

1? who is now going to be known as K2, haven't heard from him and weirdly I might be talking to someone he does know. A bit awkward so I don't think anything will happen with either one of them as I just dont know what the future holds. If I did then well... Id be in a different situation :) Oh well. OK so I hear from K2 after about 2 weeks of nothing and it was a short conversation. Not sure whats going on but I'm not in a rush to find out so I'm not too concerned about it. If anything happens later great if not then that's quite all right.

I think were still trying to work out going out for drinks or something quite non commital somewhere but since both of us seems to be on the same page about not wanting to do the initiating we'll be in this situation for a while.

D and I went out last night to watch the hockey game Ottawa Vs New Jersey. Ottawa won! (5-4) YAY it was a good time, nothing fancy, very relaxed and had some appetizers and a few drinks. Talked during the commercials and his friend F was there flirting with everyone female including me. No I'm not interested in F. Hes a friend of D's and that would be strange, plus there is no chemistry.

So while were there sitting watching the game, my eyes turned towards the TV. I'm thinking of things of the naked male/female activities that will happen later on in the evening. Of course it might not happen. He might just drop me off at my apt and drive off. But we haven't seen each other in about a week. I'm pretty sure hes planning on coming up with me...

He parks the car in the visitors parking lot and as were stepping out of the car he says 'I'm assuming you want me to come up with you...?' I reply with 'Oh, I was wondering what you were doing' He laughs and side by side we walk to the building, he doesn't try to hold my hand. I am relieved, but he does reach behind me and palms the right side of my ass and squeezes. I do a mental smirk.

In the elevator we kiss a little bit, teasing kisses and tiny nips on my neck. Inside the apt he unbuttons my clothes and soon there is a puddle around me consisting of my skirt, top and bikini top.

Into the bedroom, things are frenzied, hurried and impatient. We rub, caress and hold on tightly. There are moans of pleasure and pleas for more. There is a moment when he holds still as if trying to suppress the sensation, he fails and there is a ferocious growl and a take no for an answer determination in him when he plunges in over and over taking himself over the top.

After a moment of shared silence and a moment to bathe in the feeling of post orgasm, I find my head on his shoulder and his hand stroking my hip. Our breathing slowing down but the smiles on our faces cant be mistaken.

A short time later he dresses and I parade around in boy cut panties and a tank top. He walks towards the door and the conversation goes a follows

D 'Are you bringing your friend out after I leave?'

I blush and smile. 'I shouldn't after that, but I'm afraid that you're leaving me wanting more. I'm sure I wouldn't if you stayed longer...' (hinting)

D 'Its not right, you're not supposed to bring your friend out after you're with me'

I bite my lip and then say 'I don't want to tell you things that aren't true. It was great what we just shared together, I just want to continue and since you're leaving... '

D 'You make me feel inadequate'

He leans in, kisses me hard and heads home.

So now I'm thinking, maybe I should keep some things to myself. I don't want anyone to feel inadequate. I mean it was great and I just wanted... well.. more.

185 - smiling

K came over. We spoke on the phone prior to his arrival and he mentioned that he was nervous as there was a strong attraction and he felt threatened. I told him if he wanted to feel threatened Id walk around in a hoody with a fake knife making slashing noises (eee eee eee), jump out of closets and the like. He laughed. He also mentioned that there was the level of intimacy we've established and that he was a bit cautious about it.

I told him it would be different and possibly share a bottle of wine and talk freely like we have been, laughed little bit and learn something. No pressure. I told him that as much as I was anticipating getting together. I wasn't going to assume that anything will happen as just the opposite may.

He knocks on my door and I think both of us were pleasantly surprised. Sometimes you just dont know what to expect on the other side of the door.

After a while of wine and great topics of conversation, he leans over and kisses me. A nice introductory kiss. Not too much force and with a tease of his tongue. We both smile and continue the conversation. I ask him if he would like a tour of my apartment and I give him the 25 cent tour which ends in my bedroom. He sits on my bed and comments on its firmness and how he prefers that to ones where you sink in too much.

I sit on the corner a little unsure of myself for a moment but not of what might happen in the next little while. He leans in again and kisses me. Takes my glass and places them both on the side table. We kiss and caress until he presses me against the bed.

Hours later, after windows are opened to cool us both down, wine glasses empty. He sits up and rubs my back in a rhythmic motion that almost puts me to sleep. He leans down and kisses my forehead, I smile and he gets up and dresses himself. When hes almost finished I get up and pull the dress back over my head.

He kisses my cheek and then my lips softly and leaves for home.

Now the strange part of any night I am with anyone is the part when they turn and walk out my door. I'm conflicted with thoughts of what they are thinking. Whether its good bad, full or sorrow or joy that they are leaving. I know, thoughts that aren't and shouldn't be connected after something orgasmic occurs.

I'm strange sometimes, and cant control where thoughts go. No matter they are thoughts and I entertain them for a few moments and then remind myself that I need sleep as it is late and after brushing my teeth and washing my face. I crawl into bed and snuggle into the bed under the warm duvet and fall asleep knowing that I have a smile on my face.

184 - spanking?

Darling - I'm touching my nipple right now

D - urrghhhhhhhhggg

Darling - What was that?

D - You cant do that!!

Darling - Do what?

D - Tell me things like that, its not fair, I cant do anything right now

Darling - What do you mean?

D - I mean I cant just unzip and start spanking it..

Darling - Sounds painful (ive also never heard that expression before)

D - Ill show you painful later

Darling - I'm sure

D - Yeah you cant tell me things like that. Not now I am not alone. People will see

Darling - So I shouldn't tell you that my nipple is hard? I thought that you didn't mind if people watched.

D - No, you shouldn't Tell me that and I don't mind but not in this case

Darling - Or that my nipple is surrounded by goosebumps

D - ..They are.. ?

Darling - Yes I'm getting very sensitive, all of this is making me a little restless...

D - I know how much you like that and how good you feel...

...

Its exciting to know that he gets aroused with a description. The way his voice gets low and deep. How he'll talk in that low tone even if hes all alone. I like it. Some people may think what I did isn't fair or nice at all. But in the end, it turns out nice for the both of us. It builds anticipation and desire.

183 - voicemail

I was presented with a lovely bouquet of flowers yesterday and it was his birthday. How sweet. We caught up on what was happening in our lives and we had some revelations to which he said he was jealous of as some of the things I shared with him didnt involve him. G is great to talk to. He loves everything that I am up to. Wants to be younger and make different choices as we all think of at some point.

That's when I took his hand in mine and told him that he wouldn't be where he is right now if it wasn't for the things he has experienced in life. To change anything in his past would change his future and change who he is. It would also change the people he knows, loves and cares for. I told him we may never have met if he had lived a different life.

That seemed to put things in perspective for him and we shared a bottle of wine. Talked some more and I think I might have distracted him with the summer dress I was wearing for the evening. He kept reaching over and caressing my cheek, trailing the back of his fingers along my arm and along my collarbone.

A sweet man, who has interesting fantasies that involve yours truly. Hes told me about them and Ive yet to entertain any of them, though I mention it during coitus to get his engine revved high. We've talked about his fantasies and hes undecided on them as hes not sure about how comfortable he would feel.

When I told him about how I enjoy that feeling of not knowing where my decision will take me. What will be on the other side of the line that I thought I wouldn't, couldn't cross. How opportunities present itself when we've done something that is out of what we wouldn't normally do. What better way to grow than outside your bubble.

He was diagnosed with Parkinsons and is taking it very well. I worry about him and ask if there is anything I can do for him, with him. I proceeded to give him a relaxing massage and we stayed in bed being intimate. No pressure to provide pleasure using my body. Just be there for someone who enjoys my company, wit and sometimes wisdom.

D was out of town taking care of odds and ends. I caved and called him late Friday night about midnight. The usual time I would see him. Silly me. Hes back today and is on vacation all week, were planning on going out of town for a road trip but back for the next working day.

Strange feeling that I might see him sometime other than midnight or later. I was a bit frazzled about meeting with G and K this week, however its been planned and Ill take things as they come.

K left me a message on my voicemail last night, ' Hi Darling its K, I'm just here lusting after you, that's all.'

I think all women should get messages like that. It sure made me smile.

182 - burning bright

From one set of arms to another. What to think of. Really, I have no guilt. I have no bond of forever with either. Nor do they have one with me. We have a certain je ne sais quoi about it all with each other.

No they don't know each other or know about one another. I don't make promises of forever with them though we talk about the future.

There is an apparent interest in each other of parts mind, body and soul. Though not enough to confess undying love for each other. Love for now, for what we offer and bring to each other.

After being with someone wrapped in his arms and having my legs, arms and lips wrapped around him. Thinking of the time we share together. Thinking of the pleasure we bring each other. The relaxed times spent together, talking about things from the mundane, to current life events, to outright silly sometimes. There is something that pulls us together and sometimes that same thing drives us apart.

Him to the goings on of his life, keeping himself busy. Me to the goings on in my life, keeping me busy sometimes into another set of arms only to do the dance again.

I should feel something. I don't, I like what I do. I like that I am the one that decides what I will do. With who and when. In as far as I have control of it of course.

Life is short and I believe that if 2 adults get together and decide to be together for a moment, a few moments or forever. They are responsible enough to know that playing with fire has the possibility of getting burned.

I am a fire dancer. I havent always been. I used to be scared of the fire. Maybe not scred but wary of it. Tempted surely, intrigued and fascinated as well I might as well add. I don't know if I will always be but for now I seem to be living it. Ive been singed and I live to tell about it and I continue to dance a delicate dance around a flame that's ever so tempting and ever so attractive.
No matter what happens, no matter who is involved. No matter the time or the place. In order not to be consumed by the flames. One must be the fire.

Once you understand that. The dance becomes that much more interesting as you know how the flame flickers, how it moves, its instinct for survival, its defence mechanisms. Learn how to feed the fire and specially how to in the end extinguish that flame until its a burning ember.
Everyone is a flame unto themselves. We all need the basic things, we know what can suffocate and what can intensify it. We know what we need ourselves and what would hurt us. Knowing this gives us knowledge to dance with the other flames. Some have more control of what kind and how much damage their burn can create.

As dangerous and daring it is to dance with a different flame. Its something that will happen at some point in your life.

May you enjoy the dance and may you burn bright together with passion.

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction

The lights have dimmed and our hands get busy with each others clothes. A little rearranging here and little adjustment there. A slight tug and a sweep and my hand is firmly wrapped around him surprising him with the speed that I am able to do this.

'Ive been looking forward to this for some time' I said quietly so only he could hear. I smile at him, close my eyes as he presses his lips to mine for a wet kiss. Our hands busy doing things. Mine squeezing and stroking him, his rubbing and teasing my nipples which he has exposed to the cool air. The other running up my inner thigh underneath my skirt, I look down at my hardened nipples due to his handy work and shake my head at him. 'Gentle please' I say as he bends his head towards a nipple. Before his mouth closes over one I hear 'Never' when I feel a jolt from my nipple to my groin. My lips clamp shut and my head is thrown back, my free hand grabs his hair and roughly pulls him away. He is smiling as I do this.

'Gentle!' 'You liked it, I felt you gush a little all over my hand' I don't like how smug he is so I tell him even though I know its disgusting lie I tell him its pee and he smiles a knowing smile. 'Liar' and I watch him lick his fingers which have emerged from in between my legs. 'Sweet, just like you' He says. I cant help it I smile and stroke him just how he likes it. He leans back and enjoys himself as I lean into him and take his earlobe in my mouth. Nibbling. Whispering things in his ear that makes his cock jump in my hand. His breathing changes. His jaw clenches and unclenched in an effort to do what? Control himself? I think it me that's controlling this.

I can feel how hard he is in my hand and soon my hand is coated in a steady stream of liquid. I know hes close. A hand clamps down on my wrist in mid stroke and I leave his earlobe with one last bite, in between my lips his earlobe is freed with a sound of a 'pop'.

'I'm not finished with that' I tell him and his eyes look feral accompanied with a set jaw. He pushes me back and his lips are hungry for mine. His hand is holding mine still so all I can do is squeeze him over and over. He pulls away from my lips and presses his mouth to the side of my neck and in a strangled voice 'Easy babe, you're driving me crazy. I want to make it good for you too'. I free him from my grasp and he slides down to his knees, kisses the side of my neck and swirls his tongue just how I like it which makes my body shiver.

He stops only to continue the swirling in between my legs and I look down and see intent on his face at wanting to make things good for me. I have no doubt about it. I rest my feet quietly on the chairs in front of us leaving his hands free to do other things like wrap around my breast and roll his palm over my nipple. With the other hand he does what I hope for and he slips a finger inside me. Presses all the way in deep and as his tongue flicks over me his finger motions for me to come. I do as quietly as I can which involves me biting down on my knuckle and swallowing in the scream that would have erupted.

His head is locked in between my thighs. I look down at his twinkling eyes and he wiggles his eyebrows at me and gives me one last flick of his tongue as I muffle a giggle and free him from the vice that has become my thighs. He sits down beside me and leans in for a kiss, after our tongues dance and mingle he pulls away and watches me lick my lips. Knowing I am tasting myself I hear, 'I told you you were sweet'. I shake my head and roll my eyes at him. 'I didn't say I wasn't' I tell him and reach for him inside his pants.

Some rearranging and adjusting and I have him in my hands again 'Just like I left him' I smile when he replies with 'hes like that when you're around'. I lean in and tell him how I would like to taste him and feel him in my mouth. It doesn't take him long to want the things that I am describing and he leaves my lips swollen with his kiss and tells me to show him.

I kneel on the seat as comfortably as I can and have my ass up in the air while I take him into my mouth. Slowly, first rubbing my slightly open lips over him, my tongue flicking him a little bit. I feel him surge in my hand and I continue to take him in my mouth slowly. just letting my lips run down the whole length of him, my mouth just gliding up and down without squeezing them around him tight. His hand pulls my skirt up and slips in between my legs to find a hot wet center, ready and waiting. He slips his fingers in and makes me tighten my body whole including the lips around him and his fingers.

Once he feels that tightening around him his other hand behind my head starts a rhythm that tells me hes close. I follow where hes decided to lead me and soon he is pushing himself up from the chair and deeper into my mouth only to drop back down while running his fingers through my hair. 'Just like you said you would' he said with a smile. I turned to sit down and he takes my hand in his to pull me close whispering in my ear, 'Have you been following the movie at all?'

181 - Spring is in the air

B last night went well. Wont go too much into it. It was OK. Nothing will come of it but we may see each other every so often. He was nervous with me and I wasn't sure how else to make him feel better/comfortable. So we talked about a lot of things and after a couple of hours I had to leave. He had a drive ahead of him so it was all right.

Game 5 was on last night and I got a text mssg from D asking me if I was watching. Hes a hockey fan all right. I remind him about something and he asks me to listen to it on Team 1200 and keep him posted. So, as I watch the remake of the movie 'O' I am also listening for things to send him via texts. Oh I'm too nice. I'm not even his girlfriend. I wonder for a moment why I am doing this and I cant come up with a reason why not to do this.

It makes for a silly story if somewhat sad. I'm listening to the radio texting someone while they are at work. I'm not a big hockey fan but I am cheering for the Sens. It is playoff season and people go nuts during playoffs. Yours Truly excluded, but I like watching people react to the games and whats happening.

So in the middle of texting him updates on the hockey game, whose hurt, which team has a one man advantage and who got hit hard. I send him a text about a streaker in my living room. What? I thought it was cute. Plus I wasn't far from it, that is, if you consider wearing a pair of black heels clothed.

D came over after he was done work and I made minced meat out of him. Took him to my room and the waiting and anticipating had my engine roaring and as I was on top of him rocking my body over his. I was thinking 'Darling, this isn't your favorite position'

Id like all of you to know that he likes me in the position. Very much. I told him as we were lying on our sides afterwards that it wasn't my best or favorite. He said he couldn't tell at all the way I was going. Well.. when I do something I make sure to do it well (blush) Plus its good for me to keep trying it. Practice makes perfect n'est pas mes amis?

So at about 2 or so in the morning after some more coitus and post coital small talk. He leaves me to sleep. I walk around in my heels and they are sexy on a naked woman. Kiss him as he leaves. Prior to leaving he looks me in eye and asks seriously if Ill be going to bed right after. I blush and say probably not right away. He asks is he can stay and watch. I blush even harder and say maybe another time. If he had asked again I would have let him stay.

So he leaves and I do what I say I am going to do and call him afterwards. To say thanks and goodnight and that I was finished. I get his voicemail, but I still leave him the message. I clean myself up and crawl under the covers and hope that I wake up on time for work.

---------------------------------------

I open my eyes to a bright room and think. I slept in. I'm late. No, the sun is coming out earlier and brightening my world earlier. I crawl out of bed and look to the shower and the dogs , back to the shower, to the dogs and I jump in the shower, make my breakfast, take the dogs out and feed them and get my things ready for the day. Not all in that order of course.

Ive got a long day today and wont be home until after 9pm. My sister just called me telling me her and the brother are going out for dinner and drinks, I tell her to make it somewhere close to where I will be working and she said she would try so we can all see each other for a while.

No plans for soup tonight or anytime on Saturday. K wants to get together Sunday before I go to work in the evening. We shall see how I am feeling, that and there is this big sale going on and my sister and I really want to go. Maybe her and I can go earlier in the morning so K and I can still get together. I just don't like to feel rushed so maybe Ill have to figure something out.

Oh on JB. Called him for a few minutes last night and still unsure of how or where things are. Felt like I wasn't supposed to call. Oh well I'm not expecting anything out of this as to have expectations is calling for disappointment. (Expecting a lot that is) Have some like good times, good conversations, laughter and the like. Nothing like forever or marriage or what not s those come in time if things are meant to be.

So he was at the hockey game. I told him to have fun and that I would talk to him another time. Not a long conversation at all so it was OK. Ive been trying to watch 'O' for a while (A WEEK) and haven't been able to follow or finish. Oh well its a good thing its on DVD and I can select scenes.

I also have Saw part 2 and have yet to pop that on. I think ill do that sometime this weekend if I can. Maybe Sunday night. Ive got no plans. Must think of who to invite to be manly and protect me from my own imaginations. No, not those... the scary ones! He would encourage the other ones.

Next week the soup selection looks kind of weak. But then again it is waaay too early to tell. The way things go usually is highs and lows. Sometimes everything happens at once and then there is nothing happening. We shall see if this continues.

-----------------------------------

Its been an interesting week. Other than what Ive been able to post a few other things have occurred and have kept me busy. Spring is in the air :) The sun is shining the snow has melted. Love is in the air, people are horny and the flowers will soon be blooming.

180 - soup update

Left T a message about a week ago havent heard back. Kind of annoyed that I havent heard back. Not for the normal reasons but because I kinda just want to know if I should delete him from my phonebook or not. Though not hearing from him makes me want to do that anyway.

Funny, Im not sure if its because they think Ill want a relationship with them. Not what I am looking for just so were all on the same page. Maybe thats what I did wrong. Didnt clue them in. But I pretty much do. They always ask me and I always tell them that I am not looking for one and that seems to lay things out nicely. UNLESS.. maybe he was looking for something along those lines.

Have women freaked out so much that men are scared to be honest and just say it like it is. Im not interested? Or do they let time speak for them? No matter where things lead with the people in my life. Its nice to know they are around for one reason or another. Its just good to know what those reasons are.

I guess its just wanting to know and not being left to my own imagination.

This is what bothers me. We meet face to face and talk and get along to a degree. If I am not what youre looking for tell me. Id rather know that than be left to my own devices. Is it because people are scared to be honest and open? Or is it just that people dont like to give bad news?

How is it bad news if someone were to tell me that they arent interested in any or all capacity. Thats just one less person I have to think of/worry about/entertain etc etc. Life is short. The world is large, people are plentiful and time is important.

I havent heard from K in a few days so I left him a voicemail if somewhat tipsy in its content. Margaritas, and jugs of something fruity and light are the culprit but really. I was looking to have him come over... I guess it wasnt meant to be.. for that night :)

The JB situation is a bit strange to me and feels too unknown. Its darn exciting and a bit odd that I have no idea what to expect and basically just winging it :) Ive no expectations though I do enjoy whats happened so far. Yes even the uncertainty and my silly machinations that I bring into it all. Will update as things happen.

I wasnt sure if hed ever want anything to do with me after dinner and drinks. So I just left it to fate, though I did end up checking my email in case there was anything there. Yes, just like a girl. But Im sure men do that too? IF not that then something. Like counting the sleeps for when to get in touch? JK :)

Damn if I dont know any of the rules of dating or even seeing anyone. Really. Im clueless. I feel like I should come with a warning label. Ill throw this out and ask you what kind of label that should be. Should be interesting :)

Ohhh so I just checked my email and ive got an invite from JB. I guess its customary to wait a couple of days before making any contact? Let the little woman stew over every minute detail? The details I was thinking of were. The guy sitting near us at the next table seems to have a wandering eye. The way JB seemed a bit hotter when he was standing up tall and not just sitting down. How he being a lefty looked a bit awkward since I was sitting on his left, he even mentioned it but added that he would use it as an excuse to touch me. Hmm was he kidding or not? I think I did a lot more arm touches. But thats just me.

So the invite to a concert to see Martina McBride a country singer perform April 28th. Very simple email.

'Just wondering if you would like to go to this? How is your day going?

JB

Also at dinner with JB I drop my hair clip under the table accidentally!!! and it just happens to land just past his far leg. I tell him not to pay any mind to me and I am not trying to get close and touch him but I needed to pick something up. I turn my head away from his body as he looks confused and I lower my head and reach my arm out and darn if I dont have to lean my head against him a little bit. He laughs out loud a huge belly laugh and cant resists saying ' while youre down there...'

I slap his arm when I come back up and blush furiously as other tables heard his laugh and of course what he said. I just shook my head at him and tell him that I tried but couldnt find it. HA!


D was suposed come over last night but on his way over, there was a family issue he had to take care of. He sweetly asked me if I was mad at him and I wasnt mad. Just well really... frustrated as I hope he was too. Just bummed that I would have to take care of myself when I was looking forward to someone elses care and attentions :)

Maybe its for the best. He might still pass on his cold to me. Another day wont hurt in order to keep the germs at bay. So in an effort to make me feel better he wants to take me out for lunch... on top of that hes put out there that I get carte blanche on... I told him that it was dangerous to give a girl like me that option. He laughed and said he was sure to relish in whatever I choose. Must think something out of the ordinary, just to throw him off.

Hes on vacation for the while week next week and wanted to take me on a road trip, due to an unfortunate event one of the ladies I work with, her lung collapsed and is now off until the end of the month, not even sure if she will be returning. So my plans for taking any time off whether it be half day or a whole day? Not going to happen. Bummer.

B. I am meeting tonight. Nothing much to say about him yet. More to follow.

179 - voices

Darling, Hello... I'm looking for S is he around?

B, No hes not around at the moment, Its B may I help you?

Darling, B! Its Darling, how are you?

B, Weren't you just here? Its always something with you!

(I was just in his department not too long before I had to call)

Darling, Ive missed you already and just had to call... I was wondering if you can help me since S isn't around...

- insert private and confidential Wheeling's and dealings-

B, You know you have an awesome voice, you must be great with clients over the phone...

Darling, You're sweet... Is that why I get more calls than anyone?!

B, Ive no doubt, now keep talking to me...

Darling, Go call a 1-900 number lol My shift there starts at 9pm...

We share a laugh and disconnect.

Same day but later in the afternoon. I'm tired and the day has been long and busy.

My phone rings.

Darling, Hello Darling speaking, how may I help you?

B, It gets better as the days goes on.

Darling, Hello again B, what can I do for you this time?

B, Nothing at all. I just wanted to see if it was a one time thing with your voice.

Darling, Your findings then?

B, It gets better and better as the days goes on... would you be terribly upset if I called you at midnight?

Darling, It might not be me answering...

B ahhhhhhh what luck.

Darling, Have a great day...

I remember someone telling me the same thing sometime ago. That I sound really good on the phone, that my voice hits them in the right places. That I sound breathless sometimes. I told that person it was probably because I was running to the phone so I wouldn't miss the call...

There is also someone out there that's had the pleasure of hearing my voice just as I am waking up. Throaty and sensual? or raspy and dry?

178 - juggle

Last night went well, met with M and enjoyed the time spent together, we talked, we tried out a few things and I mu hu ha ha! Found the quickest way to get him off. Very nice, simple and easy. I like leaving him to himself for a few minutes to see what he does, of course there was some viewing pleasure for him and I think what I enjoy about sex is that there is so much to learn about what people enjoy. Everyone is different and likes different things, touches and caresses.

It was entirely too short a visit with M but that's how it goes with him and I. Perfectly fine by me. Hes married to his business. Literally. I think his phone rang more than mine which was a shock. The difference is, my phone was on silent. His was chiming away. No bother he loves what he does and its neat to see that he talks to his family often and is passionate about his work.

He leaves me after a couple of hours and tells me I have the place all to myself until late in the evening. He kisses me goodbye like we were a couple and he was just on his way to a meeting at work, but really hes going back to his life in a different city until the time comes where its gone too long since we've seen each other. I brush my teeth, turn the volume up on my phone and crawl underneath the covers.

I take a short nap to regenerate some energy for the rest of the evening. My phone rings and it is JB, asking me how I am doing and where and when were meeting. I tease him and tell him that he can come over. He asks where and I tell him where I am and he laughs at me telling me its cheesy. I laugh with him because well. I'm not usually so forward. Inside I am thankful that hes declined but I continue to tease him about it and pretend to be insulted. He plays along or falls for it I am not quite so sure.

Hes in the area. I told him to be downtown and I like that he listened. I know there are hockey games going and that hes a huge fan, so I ask him where hes heading and hes heading to The Keg, a steakhouse. I tell him ill meet him after I finish my nap which he has interrupted and he coaxes me out of bed and into my clothes. Quite the charmer. He hasn't charmed me out of them but hes charmed me into them. That's... new.

On my way to my car, I get lost trying to find my car. As I'm looking for my car B calls and we talk a bit. Ill be seeing B on Thursday night this week. That's if things all go well. I lose connection as I'm going down the elevator to the parking levels. I look at my phone and shake my head, I telepathically send B a mental mssg telling him ill call him when Ive got a moment. Lets hope he got that.

This would be the second time I have been to The Keg Steakhouse. The first time was in Kingston with a good friend, great time there too!!

So after finding a parking spot I walk nervously to meet JB. I don't quite know why I am nervous. Possibly because I somewhat like his voice on the phone, like his attitude, and that he doesn't take it lying down and actually keeps me on my toes, somewhat. First meetings are always a bit awkward but fun and interesting.

I walk into the bar side and look down the bar and don't seem to notice anyone that looks like him. I reach in my pocket to call him and I turn around to go outside to be able to speak without yelling when who do I see sitting in the corner? JB. sitting smiling at me. I shake my head at him as hes has seen my whole less than graceful entrance. I walk over to him and sit beside him.

Its a bit different as now there is the whole idea of being face to face and I'm not sure if I can give as good as I get face to face in the repartee dept. I wonder if I am destined to be the perfect woman only via the telephone. I shake that thought of as impossible!

Hes already ordered a beer and has the menu open. I order a drink and out of nervousness I order something that I don't really care for. I must be really nervous for more than the usual meeting someone new reasons.

We talk and its easy, we continue to tease each other but I'm not sure why I am there. I don't know what to do with him, where to put him or how to act. Its not someone I want to have sex with. OK I had that one slip where I did offer up my body and was duly shot down. Don't worry I shot him down just as many times. Its a pretty even/fair deal we've got going on.

I think I know he wont just want to jump in with both feet and eyes closed so hes... safe? I know its a bit cliche... and I don't know a lot of about relationships, specially what goes on in the minds of men.

So I tell him that its good to meet him and all that good stuff. We talk hockey, his phobia of needles and blood. Hes so disturbed by it that he doesn't even want to talk about it.

Dinner comes and its a good meal. Sirloin and shrimp with a plain baked potato which he tells me I have to eat the skin, that's how he does it. I try it and tell him its a bit tough. He laughs. I don't take another bite from the skin.

While there is silence between us as hes watching the game intently and basically being man. I think silently looking at the direction of the TV. I think of not being attracted to him physically right off the bat. However sitting there after a while. I find that I am. Hes tall 6'4. Hes more that a foot taller than I am. Interesting. Kind of a turn on. Hes not skinny, nor is he large. Just... right for his frame.

I was thinking of what it would be like to kiss him. How it would feel to have his tongue against mine and what his large hands would do while we were in lip lock. Knowing that hes a bit reserved made me want to get him to not be.

We stayed til the end of the game long after dinner and I felt somewhat uncomfortable. I just didn't know if I should tell him he could go meet with his friends and that it was nice to meet him. Just an overall strange feeling. I had no idea what to do where to take it or what to say at the end. When the waitress came back with the bill I pulled out my wallet and put some money down and he pushed it back to me. I thanked him and said he didn't have to. He gave me that I'm a man look Ill do this part. I looked back with a what the hell am I doing look and he just gave me that I know that I'm playing with your head. I just shook my head and let it go. I might be imagining things.

I walked him to his truck which was right in front and shook his hand and kissed his cheek, there was s slight collision on the second cheek which he was unaware that I would do and I apologize and said 'I do that.' I told him to drive safe and walked away and didn't look back.

I got on my phone and checked messages. 4 missed calls. Two from B, 1 from D and the other my sister telling me to be safe and be careful, call her if I need anything. Since we've taken that self defence class were both kind of hyped up looking for ways to get into trouble only to use what we've learned to get out of trouble. Silly us.. we know.

I call B back and get a busy signal. I try a few times but continue to get that same signal. No bother he'll call me Wednesday evening like he said he would. I call D and I ask about his day. He was sick with the start of a cold from working 20 hours the previous day and he stayed in bed all day. Sleeping. He has a cold and I told him that as much as I want him to come over later that night, I didn't want him to pass on his cold. He understood and said it was up to me. I kind of caved in the end and put the onus on him. He said he'd feel bad if I got sick but was very tempted.

We talked on and off before I went to bed and while I wasn't on the phone with D, I was wondering how things would change between JB and I after the events of the day with him. The picture he sent me of him he was in a blue shirt. I recognized him that way. The blue caught my attention then travelled up to his face. Bingo. I told him that and he said he figured he'd wear it as Ive seen him in it before. I was also wondering about K and whats happening there. D wants to go on a road trip sometime next week. Ill have to try and get off work somehow. I haven't even thought of booking off work to go to Detroit on the weekend like I said I would to go check out the Film Festival that Frank recommended.

At about 1130pm, I get off the phone the final time for the day. He said if I couldn't sleep he'd be around if I wanted to talk. I said I would probably sleep as soon as I was off the phone with him. I lied. I took a shower, prepared everything I needed for the next day and then went to bed with wet hair. Through out that I was thinking of the men in my life.

What to do with them all and how do I juggle my time and maintain the energy and momentum. How to find time to sleep and if I can compress sleep and yet have them pull me through the next day.

I have a feeling next week will be less exciting than this week, though I have been known to be mistaken on some things. Time will tell...

Whats on the menu for tonight? Girls night with the ladies. Dinner somewhere new and fantastic I think and then some drinks.. Not sure what we'll do after but should be fun, theres much to share and fill each others minds with gleeful laughter.

Oh and I learned yesterday that D's Birthday was on April 11th. I felt kinda odd that I didnt know. I mean there is no 'relationship' but lol I just felt like.. 'Oh I didnt get you anything'... But ill get him something because I have another excuse to go shopping. No other reason :)

177 - My Weekend

Updated 041707 2:48pm

Friday night was interesting. I for some reason managed to have double booked myself with 2 men. I also am on stand by to go into work until 9pm-ish. One man coming in from out of town at about midnight and the other about 20 minutes away.

Friday at the end of my day I wait and see if I am needed to go into work to cover for one of the girls. If I have to work I have a window of 2 hours with K if I don't have to work I can do dinner or other things. Until D comes into town at about midnight.

So I have my fingers crossed that I don't have to work so I don't rush through the time with K to meet with D. I know never double book yourself. . Oops!! I know.

So I learn that I don't need to work and do my little happy dance.

I get home and rush to walk the dogs but not compromising on the time with them. I call K to find out that um I must have had the dates mixed up. Were to meet on Sunday instead. How dumb am I? Well It all worked out OK I don't have to rush and I don't have to go through any awkward excuses to cut the night early.

So I putter around my apt and talk to JB on the phone for a while and he has plans for a Stag night with the boys and I tell him not to drunk dial my number as I know he will. (Read on to find out)

I put on a DVD and walk around unconsciously and looked through my closet for something to wear for midnight and while I was there tried on a few summer dresses and looked forward to wearing them once the weather gets better.

At about 12:30am my phone rings and I pick up the phone noticing that I have 2 missed texts. They are from D and I pick up the call and he teases me about me having been sleeping. I tell him that I'm tired and he apologizes and asks if I still want him to come over. I say yes. I'm in the waking mode.

Hes over and we cuddle on the couch, cuddling leads to kissing and kissing leads to....

After he leaves and goes off. I'm no longer feeling tired and sleepy. I see I have a text mssg on my phone and read the message. Seems K is thinking of me, sent time 1130pm. I ring him back and he answers.

I know nothing will happen, I know there isn't a future. I just... like him enough to have him around even if its as a friend. More than that? Who knows. I cant answer that yet.

So we end up talking again.. for a few hours. This time we don't quite meet the sun as we wish each other sweet dreams. Hes decided against trying out for something that hes looked forward to for a while and I feel little guilty that I was the one that was party to his decision and ability to perform.

We talked about a lot of things again and it was allover the map. Very open and interesting and plans were made to meet Sunday night.

After hanging up with K, JB rings my phone and I smile as I know hes drunk and about to do something sill. I have no idea. Just a hunch. Hes loud and proud and hes inviting me over to his place. I tell him I'm in bed naked already and don't want to. He asks me for directions to my place so he can come over. Hes planning on driving and I tell him no way not with what hes got in his system. He gets kind of pouty and whiny and tries again to get me to come over. I decline and talk him out of snowboarding off of his roof and onto the flat bed of his truck. Im a saint I know.

I tell him to call me in the morning and not to tell me hes in a body cast.

Saturday morning I was expecting to sleep in, I woke up a bit later but not by much. I smile at the memory of the previous night. I am supposed to go meet B and find Ive missed his call. I call to apologize that I am going to be unable to meet with him for brunch. He is understanding and we make tentative plans to make some plans late in the week.

I'm a bit peeved because its frustrating to know Ill be tired later in the day. I debate my plans for the day and just do a few things around the apt. I walked the dogs more and longer than they are used to and take cat naps throughout the day.

I get a phone call from a concerned friend, I am fine. just living life. I do so appreciate the concern. I'm glad someone out there is :)

I get a phone call from my sister asking me if I want to go shopping with her and I decline telling her why and she asked if I started a phone biz. I laughed and told her where to go and told her wed get together Monday night.

Work in the evening and when I got home I called K. Talked for a few minutes and needed sleep so I begged off and told him that he should get some rest as well.

Sunday was interesting. Woke up to a revved up libido that wouldn't listen to reason and I had to take care of, a few times. Feeling a bit tired? Play with yourself. Quick energy boost there I tell you. I wont even go into how many times and places and toys. Just know that I thoroughly enjoyed myself and am fully capable of entertaining myself sans audience. Though its always nice to have audience participation.

In the evening, I spend time between people on the phone as I run errands and as well while I'm out with the dogs. Always the multi tasker you see.

I go from K to D to JB and B also ends up phoning. D will be watching the hockey game at a bar with a friend of his. He asks me if I want to join him and I tell him Ive got plans. He teases me about going on a date and I blush and don't know quite how to respond and make light of it and it turns out that there is nothing there between us except whats in between the sheets... for now.

So I don't tell him that I'm supposed to meet with K. Though I feel a bit guilty. I ponder whether omission of the truth is a lie... then shake that thought off for another day.

(sigh) K is asking for another rain check, via text. Ill call him when I'm good and ready...I'm a bit miffed. I love getting ready to meet people. Love the anticipation, the rising dare I say desire for what may come. I look down at myself and think, don't let it go to waste.

I'm already on a high and my libido has been looking forward to some audience participation and now its not letting me get off so easily (pun intended)

When I get home, earlier than usual, to make sure that I gave myself time to relax and prepare for the now non arriving K. I do my thing and ring K. As soon as he picks up and after he says hello, I tell him he could possibly give a girl a complex with all the rain checks. I tell him that I'm really nervous and though its not the plan for the evening I tell him what I am wearing or not wearing for that matter and tell him how I enjoyed the process of preparing to meet with him.

He called me evil. I told him sharing is caring. He apologized and I said that's OK. I shouldn't look forward to things too much. Its a bigger disappointment when things don't go as planned. I wasn't trying to rub it in. I was just talking out loud and being honest. Lesson learned. Its very nice to have someone to talk to though I think at some point it might wane. Who knows.

I get a phone call from JB and hes watching the hockey game and we flirt, I tease him about calling me as a booty call. He asks me to go to his place to watch the game and I get nervous and decline. I'm too honest sometimes and I mention that I cant be out in public with men around as I might jump their bones and take advantage. Not exactly those words but something along. He laughs and tells me its OK he can help and we could go upstairs. The conversation is now heading downhill and I know I will never be able to look him in the eye. It goes south fast.

Throughout the night we phone each other trying to get the other to come over. I'm already naked I tell him and seeing as hes dressed he should be the one to come over.

He phones sometime later after pondering my invitation which I have no idea if I will follow through on as its something of a strange situation. Hes a client from work for goodness sakes!! I haven't thought about things through as you can see. So were talking about more private, more personal things and I'm not sure why I am even entertaining the thought of it but really my body is a traitor and I'm super curious about him and how he is in bed. OK there Ive said it. I wanted to have sex with him. Consequences to be thought of later.

The strangest conversation ever. He calls. I am breathless from just finishing a major round of self exploration. He asked what I was just doing and well I tell him. Hes in awe and really cant believe that I wouldn't let him be a part of it. We've been shooting each other down all night as we want the other to come over. The conversation is going too fast for either of us to figure out what to do and that's mainly my fault as I keep jumping from subject to subject.

Hes absolutely shocked that I would prefer to take care of myself than have someone come over and 'help' I told him there is nothing wrong with what I just did and in fact I enjoy it. Often... I didn't tell him the often part. Though really TMI has gone right out the window with this one.

So in the end. Late in the morning, as we laugh at each others attempt to get the other over. Its not awkward at that time though I know ill feel it the next day.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Boy did I ever.. feel awkward that is. Its not often I throw myself at someones feet for the sole purpose of satisfying an urge. OMG that's such a lie. Well not in its entirety. I mean I do have friends I can count on to be willing to do so. OK this is not making me look good. SO!... I called him on Monday morning during the power outage here and I apologized and made nice and possibly now stand on the pillar of shame. (for a few moments)

Monday night involved no men. Just my sister and I who went on a self defence class. Very neat and fun. Will be going once a month I believe.Next month on the agenda for that class? Take downs :) Bring it!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Its now Tuesday and this has become a long post.

But I saved the best for last :)

Other than having lunch with D this afternoon...

Tonight I get to meet with M. To cross some things off of my list of things to do. Hes only here for a few hours and we fully intend to make use of that time.

D might make an appearance in the wee hours of the morning but that's to be decided...

Consequently... D didn't show up for lunch. Bugger. I hope everything is ok and he didn't get hit by a bus. Thank goodness I don't leave food to the hands of men. I had a grilled chicken salad and I made sweet erotic noises over a scone that I will tell you more about later on.

** Enter JB into the day who wants to meet face to face. Sometime tonight I think. I am reaching a new level of....

arg

Wrote a post about my weekend and then the power went out. Didn't save a word. I hate rewriting posts. It never turns out as good as the first time it was written.

More to come... might take a while as I'm praying for the power to cut out again so I can make plans for an early night of... whatever my mind comes up with. :)

Hope every ones weekend went well. and... OMG we've got snow! I woke up to Jingle Bell Rock on the radio... Hate that theres more than 6 inches out there but love the wake up song.

176 - until August

How fast and furious my mind and other vital parts of me work. I think I fell just a little bit more for K. He got back from a trip to B.C and got in touch with me when he came back. We spent about 3 hours on the phone together and he was even debating taking me out of my bed, out of my PJ's, and into something to go out for a drink in. Was I ever tempted and scared of looking the fool.

3 hours of appealing and attractive conversation. Of questions and answers that fueled more topics ranging from current events, how (corn) tortillas will revolutionize the world, whats on our reading lists, taking self defence classes, contents of hard drives and talked about firsts.

Oh how I want something to happen here. I don't know what and I don't know when but I know that something, anything has to happen. Deep down I know it wont happen, there are things will happen between us but maybe I have moved ahead of myself. I should stop, just enjoy it for what it is now. Enjoy what I know will happen and not look to the imagined possibilities. But how can I not when hes filling my mind with things that I know are unintentional. Things that I like in someone. Well. Its always like that isn't it? Everything about a person is new and exciting. Ill chalk it up to that and take it as it comes.

So after being achingly open and even a little/lot flirty. The bomb drops. Hes engaged and is getting married in August. Holy shit, I felt like I lost one of my best friends. Like someone was taken from me. I swallowed and told him that I was surprised, glad he was being honest but (gulp) OK with it, when really my shoulders slumped a little, my voice never betraying me as my chin quivers slightly. My eyes squeezed shut and blocked any moisture from forming.

There was shocked silence on my end, some unintelligible stammering and the thoughts I mentioned above... those things that might happen just might never happen. That's what I lost. I know I did it to myself.

I was thinking why do I feel like Ive lost you when I never had you... in any capacity. But I did have him in a small way and he even mentioned it a number of times. He feels that something. There is a something.

Oh that something feels so right. There's something that will be magical. Something that might even bring fireworks. I thought about it some and think that I will enjoy whatever it is that I am meant to experience. Enjoy the time that I have, whatever time that is and if its only meant to be fireworks and magic over the telephone lines... then... so be it.

I know its not the best nor is it the smartest situation to get into. It just seems right, for the moment and at some point if there any issues that comes up then Ill take care of it at the time. I just cant sit by and not experience this.

I'm a big girl. Who is fully aware of how things can turn around and kick me right on the rump. I know that at any point I could be left to dance alone. Ill have the memories and the knowledge that I will be that much better for the experiences that spring forth.

So, I have him until August. In any way that I want him. I know at some point, when I look back at my life at an age where I no longer resemble myself as I am now, when I can no longer jump as high or run as fast. I know for certain that I will look back at the life I have lived and regret the things that I did not do. I have to do this or Ill regret it the rest of my life. That I cant live with.

Sometimes I think too much and Ive decided to just go with it. Come what may. I will enjoy the time that I will have with him. Ill treat it like a chapter without the happy ending, just many fun and interesting plots and subplots :) And Im ok with that. Really. Im not a schoolgirl.. I used to be one and still have the outfit.

** This could all of course just be feeling the excitment of meeting someone new :) Oh well. Heres to finding out what happens.

What I think Of When...

Im walking with a man over hot sand, my sandals held in my hand. My toes digging in the grains of sand. The sun is hot and bright. There are no clouds in the sky. The ocean is blue and majestic. The waves crashing in reminding people to respect the ocean. A breeze presses my sundress flush against my body, hugging my curves.

As we get closer we hear this song. So appropriate, so perfectly in tune to the time and place that we were. So perfect for the mood. This song, which plays as we take a stroll right on the boardwalk. He takes my hand and twirls me around in circles. I laugh and people smile as they see us laugh in the open. We sing to each other taking turns. Smiling eyes, happy eyes return my gaze and all is as it should be. Wonderful.

This song will always remind me of that moment.

Under the boardwalk
By The Drifters

Oh, when the sun beats down
And burns the tar up on the roof
And your shoes get so hot
You wish your tired feet were fireproof
Under the boardwalk
Down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby
Is where I'll be

(Under the boardwalk) Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be having some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be falling in love
(Under the boardwalk, boardwalk)

In the park you hear
The happy sound of the carousel
You can almost taste the hot dogs
French fries they sell
Under the boardwalk
Down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby
Is where I'll be

(Under the boardwalk) Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be having some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be falling in love
(Under the boardwalk, boardwalk)

[Instrumental Interlude]

Oh, under the boardwalk
Down by the sea
On a blanket with my baby
Is where I'll be

(Under the boardwalk) Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be having some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be falling in love
(Under the boardwalk, boardwalk)

175 - shedding

I feel like I've been neglecting some people that I know. Just not being in contact I guess. Either by phone, email or a visit.

I think that its OK as we are all busy, but in the back of my mind I feel a little guilty as I know it would take a few moments of my day to send them an email, dial their number or drop by for a glass of wine or some milk and cookies.

Do I know that many people? I probably make it sound worse than it is. But enough is happening around me to make it seem worse than I usually am at keeping in touch. So if anyone one that I know ever reads this, friend, family or foe (which there are none.. OK there might be one.. sadly) I hope you know that I do think of you and that I will get my act together and find my way to you somehow.

Things have died down a bit from alphabet soup by that I mean K, T, D, T2-which I have yet to intro, JB and so on.... I wont start talking about it right now as it may seem like.....

1 I am actually looking forward to it (anything... happening)
2 I am tooting anything about me. (I'm a plain Jezebel I mean Jane)
3 I care ... In my own twisted way I do...

The above are partly true... partly. Partly. PARTLY! Just my way of dropping slivers of me. Yes I find myself scared of certain things... recall holding hands? That scared me a bit, but not when it comes to shedding clothes.

I guess shedding clothes I can do, shedding barriers and revealing myself. Not so much.

Anyway so, nothing is happening but then it might be low tide at this point. Which is fine because I am due for some ME time. That doesn't happen when there are people hanging around, unless of course they are the professional masseurs that make my muscles melt in a different way. you)

So some much needed time with my myself surrounded by mellow then dance music, surrounded by candles, bubbles and a fruity cocktail in hand. Some fun and relaxation.

This is to tide me over... so a mini vacation away is in the works... then on a much bigger scale to an actual vacation. I'm not sure when it will all take place. Its a wait and see situation.

174 - puddle

I don't know what the technical term for it is. I'm sure if I searched for it Id be able to call it what it is. But for you men... its part of your neck. Its what is on either side of your throat. Starts just under and behind your ear and goes down towards your collarbone. Neck muscle? Look in the mirror if you have to. Turn your head at different angles to see how prominent it is sometimes and at certain head positions. Some mens 'thingies' for a lack of terminology is more defined. You know what I'm talking about now?

Sorry ladies this is for the men, continue to read, but its only in men that this turns me on. Well, so far anyway. Ill have to keep an eye out for the effect it would have on me from a woman but I digress. Maybe other things would flick the switch, its a learning process.

Why did I just have you go to the closest mirror to have you move your head in all sorts of ways and to have you touch your neck (did you touch it as well... your neck that is) Because this, gentlemen turns me on. Seeing someone who has this, accompanied with a strong jaw line makes my knees weak. I don't know if its because I want to tilt my head to the side and have my teeth gently on either side of it and nibble, suckle and just play. OR is it because I want you to do that to me too? Maybe a bit of both. Maybe a lot of both. OK its a lot of both.

I would hope that my attention to it might turn whoever the recipient is, on. I know it will turn me on to do it and have it done to me. I share this with you because aside from the other things that women look at men for I look at this. I get turned on to do this. I know my eyelids close just a bit, I inhale just a bit longer, I lick my lips and imagine myself on this mans lap, with my legs open and draped to either side of him with my mouth and tongue flicking over this spot that I have just shared with you.

I know if its done to me, I'm well, reduced to a puddle.

P U D D L E

173 - singles

D came over Sat night after he was done work, he didn't leave until 3 in the morning or so as the clock might have showed.

I had a lot of fun while he was at my place. We both did. So at the end of our time which really flew by. Almost unable to lift my arms in the air, I laughed and told him that I don't think that I would be able to participate in any singles events afterwards. He laughed and of course looked smug as a bug. With good reason. I hadn't felt so well satisfied in a while. Satisfied yes but not to the point of muscle exhaustion. Oh how it felt good.

Anyway. Enough about my sex life. Now to my thoughts. After he dressed I walked him to the door wrapped in something quite small and sheer to leave him with a nice parting memory. I held the door open after he walked through it and... for a moment I wanted to tell him to come back inside. Come back inside and continue. Come back inside and finish what was started.

For some reason. I wasn't finished. I had energy. The exhaustion I felt earlier was no longer around. I wanted to tell him that I wanted him all over again and if he was up for it wed see just how long we could go for.

Damn. I swing the door open and stand outside my apt door in this quite small and sheer ensemble and smile, thinking I am insane. Get back inside, hes not around anymore as I don't see him waiting in front of the elevator. How strange it is not to be able to call him on his cell to tell him to come back. I don't have his number but he has mine. I wont wonder about that at the moment. Someone might see me. Oh well if they do they see if not, then their loss.

Singles tryouts? Well. Id be a shoo in or get a wild card or would I get a bi? Ohh can I be the captain?! HA

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction

'I'm in a hotel room all by myself. I'm not sure what you're doing, but I want you here. I'm in room 1509. How soon can you be here? Ill be waiting'

I undress and lay my naked self on the bed. I have been waiting for this for some time and unable to wait I reach down and touch myself. I bend my knees and press them down to the mattress, I trail my long nails over my skin towards my waiting pussy. One hand spreads myself open and the other rubs in circles. Ahhhh sweet bliss is soon to be had. I close my eyes and imagine what will happen in a little while when I have company. The images in my mind are so great that I make myself moan in pleasure as my fingers work themselves trying to coax out a wonderful wet reaction.

'I'm glad that you left the door ajar for me to see this, I'm not glad that you started without me.' My eyes snap open, my fingers freeze where they are and I see a very well dressed man in a suit and tie. Hes arrived, I wonder how long Ive been touching myself?

He settles himself in between my legs and tells me to continue. He wants to see it to the end. I move my fingers and feel how tight I am. He sees that my legs are shaking and knows that I am close. He pulls my hands away and replaces them with his mouth. His tongue pushes inside me and soon after some creative multitasking of his mouth and fingers, I explode. He continues to lick, sending shudders through my body. After I have relaxed and my breathing returns to normal. I hear 'I made it just in time'.

I smile and tell him that 'It wasn't on purpose, the door must not have closed properly'. We both smile and he says that 'It was a nice surprise indeed'. We kiss a sweet kiss and he runs his fingers down the long length of my hair. Slow kisses, that burn hotter as we roll around the large bed. He ends the playful game with me on top, my legs on either side of him. I look down and tell him hes overdressed as all I have on are black stay up stockings with seams that run from my toes to the back of my thighs.

I pull his tie and bring his neck up so I can press my lips to his, our lips graze each other and our tongues play a game of hide and seek. His tie comes off with a wide pull to the my right. Buttons are undone and I lean to sit up, my hands start at his waist and with my palms down, I move them to his shoulders where he leans up to free his arms from his sleeves.

After he is shirtless, we find ourselves facing each other in as he is now also upright. My chest brushes against his lightly making my nipples harden and he looks down at them and sees goosebumps decorating them. 'Cold?' he asks, I shake my head and quietly say 'No, my body is tingling'

He wraps his arms around me and presses his chest to mine. This one act makes me shudder in his arms and there is an intense feeling that comes over me, making me extra sensitive so much that I start to take in shorter breaths which continues the cycle of shudders as ever breath I take amplifies the sensitivity.

He lays me on my back and is on his side looking down at me. My eyes are dilated and he stares at my chest, he takes his index finger and softly moves it left to right from nipple to nipple. This sends a ripple through my body that we both enjoy. He in the reaction he sees, me in experiencing this reaction. His tongue joins in to add to my sensory overloaded pleasures. His tongue hot against my body, changes from light and playful to light nips with his teeth, making me cry out and feel a zing from where hes nipped to my wet dripping pussy.

Bedsheets grasped tightly in my fists as he continues to trail his fingers, tongue and lips over my skin. My heavy breathing becomes, low moans and goosebumps continue to form over my body. My back arches as he continues his silent careful tease. His hand pushes apart my legs so I am completely open to his gaze.

I feel myself pulsing where his gaze rests. I gasp as is breaths blows over me. His palms rubbing my inner thighs gently, back and forth as he continues his steady breathing over me. His tongue barely touching me flicks lightly against the sensitive bud and I hold my breath and my body holds still. His tongue repeats its message, flick, flick flick, exhale. In the quiet room a breathless whisper is heard, ' oh please..'

He continues his torment with his tongue and soon my legs are trembling under his palms. Soon my hips are pressing up into his tongue. Soon, breaking the silence comes a loud cry of passion is heard, which leaves me shaking and riding a sensational wave of pleasure that leaves me shaking still as he takes me in his arms and holds me until I calm enough to shyly lift me head to kiss his chin and whisper 'dont go to sleep just yet...'

172 - mind reading

OK, so it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be though its hard to figure out what other people are thinking as my mind reading skills are non existent. Sadly.

Without any prompting from me, he sent me a picture. Not bad. Id post it for all to see but its a naked photo. Just kidding. He was clothed, wearing a tie. No, not just the tie. Fully clothed, shirt and tie... yes pants as well. What he had on underneath is beyond me though I do wonder what people have on under their clothes. It passes the time!! I'm sure you've wondered that at some point about some person. I bet you are even wondering what I have on right this moment! :)

Hes away for Easter weekend to go visit family about an hour or so away. I thought after the last email I got from him last night that I wouldn't hear from him until next week. Fine with me. But in the back of my head I was having some negative thoughts of the usual silly girl kind.

I was with the Girls last night and lo and behold, my phone rings. Not a surprise to the other girls that my phone rings in the middle of a night together. I smile when I see the caller and walk to the other end of the house so as not to bother the others. Hes at the Sam Roberts concert, I told him that my sister was there as well and he should say hi if he sees her. He laughs as we both know he has no clue what she looks like.

He tells me he feels old in the crown and I remind him not to rob the cradle. I'm smiling and feel kind of like laughing as he called me. Simple things make me smile. We talk for a few more minutes and the girls call for me and I tell him to have fun and click off.

I'm on a mild high for the rest of the night and I tell the girls about him. Of course I tell them about him. Mainly we talk about what the hell I am getting myself into and how I get myself into these situations. Even JB repeatedly asks if this is something that is common for me while I am at work. I say no as Ive never called any clients after hours about non work related issues. He doesn't believe me.. or has a hard time believing me. He can see how I do well in what I do and he is sure that I flirt with well.. everyone.

After the girls and I parted. I was a bit restless and well. I did what I usually do in times of restlessness. I indulged.

171 - idiot

I'm an idiot. All sorts of idiot. Just stay away from situations that you aren't sure of Darling! I cant! Its just not me to stay away. I want to play with it. I can handle it and I can go through anything so I don't care.

I only live once and who knows what this life will bring me if I don't put myself out there. If I don't jump in with both feet. The worse thing that can happen is that I die. Really... well unless there is some flesh eating yuck that attaches itself to me and is painful. Shake that thought off.

So yeah. I have now lost the mysteriousness of Princess Lulu with JB. I didn't want to seem like I was playing games with him and talking myself up. Actually as per my usual self I was pretty modest. I also knew that I didn't want to have him with any expectations on me being tall, blond and leggy or even close to it as I am the total opposite.

So... he now knows what I look like and I feel like an idiot. Ill get over it soon enough. There is always an initial nervousness that comes with meeting someone new, wondering if there is a connection, that spark, that chemistry. I guess I really shouldn't worry too much as its just something that is. I cant change it so I must live with it.

Its out of my control and Ill just to see how things progress. Now to take my mind onto to someone I mean something else.

About 2 minutes ago my phone rings. New person. I will keep you posted if anything interesting happens. Probably if nothing happens also as sometimes that's entertaining as well.

170 - Saw

T came over the other night as per my request to have company over to watch Saw (the first one) with Danny Glover. I think I caught him off guard with the invitation. I caught myself off guard.

We've never met you see, just had communique over the phone over the past little while. The last phone conversation we had was while I was running errands. I asked if he minded that I was doing other things while we were on the phone and he didn't. He was actually impressed with the things that I was doing. He might have gotten a bit more information about me than he would prefer. But its all safe and good information that he was able to hear from my end. Nothing scandalous.

Fun person to talk to. I'm comfortable and pretty relaxed with him. Hes kind of mellow and has his own wants and needs from a relationship. Like. So he wants someone with passion for life, likes cuddling, being affectionate and is adventurous. He asked if I liked flowers and chocolate. I was 50-50 on that as I like flowers but am crap at keeping them alive. They are beautiful and are pretty to look at but I don't enjoy it when they start to fade. Maybe that says something about me and my personality? Ill let you think about it for a few moments if you want to. If not that's OK :) Ive done enough thinking about it to be OK with myself.

So it was nice. Much better than the last one who came over for a movie. I wont even go there as he was more interested in playing with the dog than me. I thought he might have been a gentleman but decided that it was just not going to happen (thank goodness). Haven't seen him and glad of it.

Anyway, T mentioned not bringing chocolate or flowers for me and he apologized for it. I told him that I appreciate the thought more. My thighs thank him and nature thanks him. I kept to myself that I enjoy chocolate on a whole different level...

This one claims he has a six pack and I was tempted to tell him to show me, then I thought Id be tempted to touch and feel which brought the thought of him wanting to touch and feel mine. which made me think of outlining his abs with.. my tongue. Don't worry I didn't tell him that.

So no idea what his abs look like. I wasn't freaked out that he was coming over. He didn't mind me asking him questions throughout the movie. If it bothered him he didn't let it show. Like I said. Very mellow. His dad was a Police Officer, smoked pt when he was younger and his Dad raised Hell when he found out. He wanted to follow his dads footsteps but not after seeing what kind of family life his dad had. He has 3 cats one that purrs and can be heard across the room. Hes into cars and racing cars, he likes women with curves and like passionate people and enjoys PDAs and being affectionate with his partners.

He does have children and he does live about 45 minutes away. Works crazy shifts and enjoys it. He likes chocolate covered coffee beans and would take coffee through an IV. He works about 5 minutes from a chocolate factory and I asked him if there was a lot of larger people that lived in that area. (I know I'm silly sometimes) He as much as I would imagine. He works out using a bow flex and wants to gain about 10lbs to fill out more.

Hmmm maybe a chick flick next time then.

169 - rain checks

K, what to do with K. An analyst. Has strange quirks which amuse me. Intriguing, as I wonder how he would have me profiled. Normal he said after a few hours of conversations spread over some time. I have to question that and did. He made valid arguments and I countered them with more valid points. I wasn't sure which side I was on. I didn't want to be normal as being different is nice and I also didn't want to be abnormal as its not nice to be the odd one out.

He made the conclusion that I was normal and the abnormal part of it was that I was able to articulate and share/be open about things that not many people would. *(Liza mentioned this in one of her comments on a previous post)

Great conversations covering a wide array of topics from, the mundane to taboo. Serious tones and lighter tones all mixed in to make things uncannily comfortable. Conversation flowed and he mentioned somewhere that he'd like to get together. Possibly this weekend.

Usually I would have made a joke about it and tease him about it however this time. I didn't. I heard something in his voice that made me pause. Choosing my words carefully I started to speak only to find that my voice sounded like his. Uncertain, vulnerable and hopeful.

The part of the conversation that I want to recall I cant do so in detail. I want to remember as it was very interesting. Maybe its not the time to think about that. Maybe.

I mentioned that I noticed that his tone changed, he told me hes not used to something like this. Hes used to doing it a certain way. I asked him what was different about this time. He said there is an emotional connection now and he doesn't feel in control. I sighed and felt relieved and said 'if it makes you feel any better... I don't feel in control either'.

After that the tone went back to being a bit lighter. So plans have been made for this weekend. Well, they haven't been made yet as hes left the ball in my court leaving me to contact him with details.

Before nodding off to sleep. My thoughts were of how it would be taken if I were to tell someone that I am attracted to their mind above other things.

-----------------------------

OK so he sent me a text message on the day we were supposed to meet asking for a rain check and said that he could lie to me but was really nervous about getting together and was basically chickening out. He did say we would talk again for sure. So nothing happening with K so far. But really. Hes got an amazing mind that really makes mine want to know more.

Ill call him tonight sometime and see how he is. Some things I am shy about, other things, not so much. I'm pretty much clueless when it comes to whether people aren't interested in me. Even MORE clueless if they are. Go figure.

Someone tell me what that means?

168 - Princess Lulu

Things I shouldnt do at work

Flirt with clients over the phone. *Client JB

1 I dont know what they look like, most importantly they do not know what I look like.

2 No matter how hot they sound, refrain from flirting!

3 Coworkers can clearly hear the flirt switch has been turned on, the chair spinning doesnt give me away, the shoe dangling off of my foot as my legs cross and uncross doesnt either. Its my voice.

4 Goal is not to make them blush. (JB did blush, twice) one at the mention of needles, two when I wanted him to clarify if he wanted my info or something on his file.

5 Do not talk about his cats name. Nunner -pron Nun-er. Which I have been told is French slang for pussy. Must verify...

6 Princess LuLu as a stage name? Must think of better stage name. JB seems to like it as he called me Princess Lulu throughout the call. Of course after I was flustered and had to think of a name other than Darling, in case he was to complain at the flirtatious work related phone call.

7 Do not surrepticiously go through clients file to find out how old he is. (11/22/1976) I wonder if I can institute pictures being mandatory...

LOL Ive never had a more enjoyable phone conversation with a client on the phone. Ive had many. This one takes the cake. It would be interesting if he were to get in touch with me somehow. If he does great! If not then thats ok too. I have a wonderful memory for the books.

Ok so I just sent him an email which is work related. I swear it is! Its not my fault that I cant spell my own name and that it somehow looked suspiciously like Princess Lulu at the bottom of the correspondence.

So I know that hes single, has no GF, is scared of needles and cannot donate blood or even listen to me talk about donating blood. He works full time and has hardwood floors throughout his house unless its a bedroom. He has a Queen sized bed and drives a fancy truck which he adores. His just had his staircase done with burbur. He lives and works in the West End of Ottawa. His cats name is Nunner and we now all know what that translates into. If he had a girlfriend he would adore her as much or more than he does his truck. Hed also make sure she was well and truly taken cared of in the physical aspect of the relationship.

He asked if I spoke to other clients like I do with him and I said no, I would surely not have this job if I did. An hour per client? Productivity would go down HOWEVER loyalty and retention would skyrocket. He even said if he had 'this' every time he wouldnt even think of other companies. A man who knows a good thing when he sees it (this case hears it)

So out of a need to hear his voice again. I made up an excuse to call and find out how things were in regards to business. He saw right through it but was happy I called. Oh to find out where things go with JB.

Incidently, he signed off his reply via email with Prince Charming.