236 - funky thought process

I'm agitated. I'm irritated and I'm more bummed than mad.

D - 'you're mad aren't you?'
Darling - 'no I'm not mad... I'm just not happy'
D - 'ourrrrghh'
Darling - 'Ive been waiting for a long time and I've been looking forward to it... I'm just bummed its not happening.'

Hes been waiting the exact amount of time but it doesn't seem to bother him as much and here is where ill go all funky thought process..

-Hes having sex with someone else which is why it doesn't bother him as much that we aren't having sex.(last night only lol)
-Hes no longer interested in sex... with me.
-He thinks I'm a fat cow and wants to have sex with someone else.
-I'm boring in bed and he wants someone that isn't.

I warned you about the funky thought process! That lasted about 5 minutes so you know. I feel better this morning and a bit silly at how I reacted. Kind of childish as it was a pout and stomp my foot moment.

Actual reason we didn't have sex last night. He had to go. Responsibilities, hes keeping his promises.

I cant really fault him for that. It shows that his word is gold. When he says something its done. Unless it involves sex with me. That's something that can be just be put on the side if something should come up. So far there hasn't been a reason that I don't agree with.

I should really apply some sort of qualification or standard when it comes to getting together with him. I should practice saying no...is that what it sounds like I meant in the previous line? Makes it sound like I never say no and that I am easy doesn't it? Think whatever you want to. I know I'm not having the amount of sex that I clearly want.

Call me a prude I have standards and I wont just jump into bed with just anyone. But when I find someone that I want to jump in bed with you can bet that its often that I want the bed jumping to happen.

Ive said it before. The more sex I have the more sex I want. Its a never ending cycle. Well that's not true. If I stop having sex then Ill still want more sex. just not as much as I would if I were already having sex.

I don't take it all personally. I know that he has things he has to do and cant always take care of me like Id like him to. If he were able to he would he says. That helps make me feel better, but you know what would really make me feel better? Having sex with him.

Its not all about sex but I cant explain it. I want to be able to but I cant. Maybe one day Ill try just for fun and just to be able to work my thoughts out into the open to see if I really am kind of twisted or just plain clueless. Other options to how it will all turn out is available and highly possible.

So no sex for me last night. Though the bartender taking care of us sure was giving me all the right signals. There were winks, secret looks down my body, kisses blown my way and I was with 2 guys. That's balls. Which I of course was highly entertained by.

On the way out. He had parked his car right in front of the pub and I around the corner. No kiss goodbye. No hug. I asked if he was coming over, he looked at his cell and said no time. I wanted to at least have a kiss and I didn't get it. Not even a peck. So when his friend was walking down to us, I just turned around and walked towards my car.

I didn't look back, I didn't care. I just wanted to scream. I couldn't out loud, so I had a mental one instead. I was all geared for sex, ready for it and wasn't getting any encouragement from him. I got in my car and looked at my cell phone thinking who should I call?

I drive and pass them on the road. I don't stop, I just wave when they see me and I keep driving. Why stop? I'm not going to get any. I'm frustrated, irritated and feel like Ive just been rejected.

Enter feeling like a cow. Short skirt I have on with heels and I know they were eyeing other ladies. I don't mind this, look all you want. Just have sex with me after, specially if we've been wanting to get together for a few days. I know I look good and don't really look like a cow otherwise I wouldn't have attracted any attention like I did when I walked into the bar. Its just one of those strange women things that come over us. Really if I could I would rather not feel that way.

My week sexually?

Sex Monday at lunch.
Tuesday, a friend spent the night. Who is the first to ever sleep over the whole night :)
Wednesday I was the recipient of some fantastic oral sex and body massage.
Thursday night held possibilities which did not materialize.
Today being Friday D asked if we could get together for lunch. I don't think it will happen. But its still early.

Weekend plan for sex? If it happens great if not then... There's always next week.

Upcoming plans? Bartending FIFA games. I caught part of the Argentina team practicing and the talent is inspiring and they looked like they were having fun which makes it all so much more appealing.

I had a fleeting thought of Hmmm Athletes. Then I reminded myself that it was FIFA Under 20. which made me laugh at myself.

Canada Day Celebrations this weekend. Long weekend, lots of get togethers, BBQs, much love, hugs and well wishes to go around. Lots of red and white to be worn. No work Monday. Hopefully some patriotic sex to finish off the celebrations :)

Happy Canada Day Everyone!!

235 - until we meet again

Thank you Darling


Please don't take this personally. I can't fall for anyone again as I felt I was for you. Just hurts too much so I have to walk away sorry.


P2

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Is it wrong to be sad that I wont have P2 in my life.
Is it wrong to be glad that I wont have P2 in my life.

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I know I'm good for him. On the other hand I know I'm bad for him.

Hes good for me period. Because hes involved in a small part of my life and not my whole life. Somewhat selfish of me but that's how this relationship works. Its not perfect when I say its good for me. Its just good for me because I don't dwell on the things that I cant control.

If anything hes been trying to break off ties for a while. Scared of falling in love with me. I told him if he does that's OK. Love is a wonderful thing. Would we do anything about it? I'm not so sure as there are circumstances and distances to cross and I don't want to sound odd... but I love him on a whole different level than he does me.

I cant explain his love. Mine can be explained by... loving someone from afar. Knowing that there can never be anything between us. That the beauty of it comes from that. The fantasy of us being together is so beautiful you cant help fall in love.

P2 will always have a piece of me. Hes been in my corner encouraging and guiding me. Its all so appreciated and hes been so helpful.

Whatever you do, whoever you meet, I wish you all the best P2. That's all I ever wanted was the best for you.

234 - wake me up..

Something that I like, I like wake up sex. I'm not just talking about waking up in the morning while the sun is coming up, not the kind where you wake up before the alarm goes off. Nothing against those. I wouldn't say no to any of the above :) I'm talking the kind where you're with someone and throughout the night there is a nudge that's accompanied with a fondle. A knee that presses in between my legs to spread them apart.

The feeling of not knowing just what is happening. Then feeling that smooth slide of being taken gives me. When it makes me gasp and arch my back. When my mind slowly catches up with my body. My body already in motion. My mind sluggish to come out of the slumber. The body willing the mind to hurry and catch up and enjoy the moment. Once the mind reaches the same point where my body is usually at the OMG how does this feel so good stage.

Is it that I'm not thinking of what to do, how to move, when to moan or what not. None of that is in my mind. All that's in my mind is I have this wonderful feeling of being filled and of being with someone that just wants to get off. This feeling that someone wants to see me get off. Honestly. In its purity. No long and drawn out foreplay, no teasing and no back and forth with the flirtation. Just the raw pleasure of wanting to take care of a need that only one person will be able to take care of. Right here, right now.

Is it because my mind isn't as quick to process the situation. Is it because my mind isn't thinking of ways of how to do something new and different that will blow his mind? No, none of that is present. All that's there is the joining of bodies at a point where my body welcomes the intrusion, holds it tight and for some reason it feels different from any other time. It feels even better. It can almost be at the top of the list. Though it shares that acclaim with other.. likes.

As much as I like being woken up this way. I also like to be the waker and not always be the wakee. Have you ever been with someone and in the middle of the night you feel skin rubbing against you in parts that are slowly working ahead of any other part of your body. The feel of someones hands roaming your body, touching parts of you when you just want to be held somewhere specific? Woken up with someone and a part of you already in the midst of an act?

Thought Id share things that I like.

233 - bottom line

Garsh!

Did I mention that the place I work isn't very employee friendly? I mean Its all about the bottom line and no matter how well you do its never enough and while they are happy to let you know what you could do better on. Where you go above and beyond isn't recognized.

Is it so hard for employers and management to realize that a happy worker is a more efficient worker? Common sense. Like in a marriage. Happy Wife Happy Life. No one argue please, its true.

When the focus becomes all about how we can make the company bigger, better and richer. Ill admit its great to be able to work together as a group. When there is no incentive, no appreciation, no word of thank you, great job at the end. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

Maybe I am an attention whore. Maybe I want to jump up and down while waving my arms in meetings saying look at me, look at me!! Tell me how wonderful I am. Its not just for me though. I want the company to realize that the people that work there is an asset they cant afford to lose.

Are we all the same? We want the most for the least. I want to work the least amount as possible for the most I can get. For them, they want the most out of me for the least they can pay.

I know that if I ever leave here, the place wont fall apart. Someone will be sitting at my desk doing the same thing I was doing. I know though, that it wont be like how I did it. Well.

This is starting to sound gloomy. Ill stop. Just frustrated and cant vocalize it properly.

Ive been asked to go in on a wedding gift for one of my managers. Who frankly @#$% ...%$#@ I looked at the people who were looking at me expecting me to rave over their wonderful idea and thought. This company has done nothing for you. They didn't wish you a happy birthday without someone mentioning it to them when they came in. The card they signed for you wasn't from the company, it came from your coworkers. The cake you went ga ga over came out of someone Else's pocket.

I Just wonder sometimes if its all about the bottom line. Does anyone care?

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This post paints me out to be bitchy. I'm not, I don't mean to be. I'm just sad/mad at how people are treated.

232 - recap

My week so far

Mon J1, sex with D at lunch, after J1 off to J2, then home to nurse my finger. Walked, played and fed the dogs. Mentally surrounded myself with a healing aura. Showered. D cancels due to something coming up and that's OK with me. I'm pretty understanding and try not to freak out about everything.

Tues J1, actual lunch with D, after J1 off to J2, then out with drinks with a friend. Home, walked, played and fed the dogs, showered then fell asleep meanwhile D was outside my Apt building trying to get in to see me. He tried calling and texting, nothing woke me up. Or so he says. How could I have missed an opportunity to have sex? Unheard of! I told him to throw rocks at my window if that should ever occur, which it shouldn't. He was worried about hitting the old lady's window on the 4th floor. I told him to aim high enough to hit my window on the 12th floor.

Wed J1, no lunch with D but had a fantastic nap. Was in a meeting all afternoon and then off to J2. Then out for drinks with one of my GFs and her SO who just got back from Mexico. Good times. Home, walked, played and fed the dogs. Sent D a text asking if he missed me. He replied 'of course I missed you' That made me blush. I'm such an attention whore. (sometimes)

Thursday (today) J1, no lunch with D, then off to J2. I don't want to go out tonight and do anything, I just want to catch up on sleep. Working 15 hour days and going out for a few more hours socializing til the wee hours have allowed the nappies to hit me more often. D is working his last shift for this stretch and he will be starting his new one Monday.

Tomorrow is Friday. D and I are spending it together. I don't know what were doing. Most probably going out to a patio for drinks, weather permitting that is. I'm hoping for a long night of hot and heavy recreational activities.

No plans for the weekend though I have to wonder if I want to go to work with my finger all stitched up. I might just have to wear those finger condoms.

Update on the finger, Its doing well. No more bandages and I haven't managed to reopen anything which surprises me as Ive been running around. Its fun, nothing spectacular.

Just Darling.

231 - opting out

Trying something different, makes for being frustrated. I was given the choice of sex or food for lunch. I chose food but that was my second choice as my first choice was both. Not enough time I was told to be able to have both. I think he was just trying to hold out the cake and not let me eat it.

I don't know if its because I don't spend more time with him in the non sex related way but its always new for me when I go out somewhere. There's is always a small thought of 'oh, I do like how he looks'.. which is followed by... 'Id like to be having sex right now'... to 'have to log in some fully clothed quality time together' That last one made me giggle.

Its different seeing him in clothes. I'm used to be able to touch his body and the table between us hinders that. Well, that and the fact that were in public and maybe its a good thing that the table is there. Though I had images of how else we could make use of it.

It was nice, lunch was. We talked a bit and had a few moments of silence which I was OK with. I'm thinking about why we weren't having sex...

A- He was looking out for me and didn't want me to get back too late.
B- He doesn't want it to be all about sex
C- Hes playing hard to get... naked
D- All of the above

I would have preferred to have sex for lunch and have something to go. Its healthy and a good work out. Sex is. Not to mention oh so satisfying.

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After J1, I went straight to J2 where it was quiet. I wanted to work on a couple of posts but didn't end up coming close to it. My mind wasn't interested. Kind of drawing a blank and feeling a little bit boring lately.

I felt a little antsy and wanted to go out after work for a couple of drinks. I make a few phone calls, send a couple of texts and voila! Company for drinks. Nothing too far away and nothing fancy.

I meet him for 9ish and we talk about his latest love interest, actually its the same love interest that hes had for years now and have left numerous hints to which she doesn't acknowledge. Shes a user. I tell him that and he knows it, but continues to do so. Ive tried to give him advice but told him not to follow it as I have no expertise on relationships... OR women even as I am one. I'm different and don't operate the same way.

I had a few drinks and we had a couple of appetizers so it wouldn't hit as hard. It worked. I get a couple of texts from D

D - r u drinking?
Darling - yes
D - play safe
Darling - always safe, girl scouts rule.

I was never a girl scout. But I was in ballet? No matter. Always safe. Darlings Rule then. D planned on coming over after work. Always looking forward to him coming over. Lunch was sexually unsatisfying you recall. Though it fed the ever growing libido of mine.

We had planned to meet after he was finished work. I was tired, but not too tired. At about 12:30am he calls with good news, bad news.

I told him to give me the good news first. I already knew he wasn't coming over.

Good news. Hes going to owe me huge and that he will make it up to me in a big way.
Bad news. Hes not coming over.

I asked if everything was OK as 5 minutes before we were getting worked up to see each other. He told me what came up and I told him that was OK and he should take care of it. He told me I was great. He was upset about the reason that he wasn't coming over and I would have been too if I was in his shoes. I let him rant and rave and I enjoyed it. I hope I helped calm him down a bit. Not that he was all worked up like others might be... I just wanted to be useful.

We were supposed to do lunch today but I'm not sure if it will happen.

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T called me from Chicago. Haven't heard from him in a while. I wasn't able to talk with him long as I was swamped so I hope he calls me later on so we can catch up. We've both been busy so I'm sure we'll have lots to catch up on.

Haven't made contact with K in over a week. I wonder if he still remembers me. I'm sure he does.

M hasn't contacted me in regards to the room service bill. Oh well. Soup is thinning? I don't mind at all. I need a break from most of them. If they are a part of it when I'm hungry again then great if not then Ill get new men I mean ingredients.

My plan for today?
Nap/lunch from 11:30-12:30 pm
then I have training from 1-4pm
Done J1 at 4:30pm
Start J2 at about 4:35-9pm
Home and other recreational activities.

funnies

A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?").

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could take it out and start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could take it out and start at any moment."

"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left...

230 - Warnings

I don't quite know how to start this post. I thought of a few interesting and honestly quite funny introductions but then thought I might seem a bit loopy given what has happened in the last 24 hours.

I am a new owner of 4 stitches. On the fourth finger of my right hand. I spent a total of 5 hours in ER. That's wait time included.

How this happened. Details aren't going to be given as they will surely show how much of a perfectionist I am. All you need to know is, glass when broken and I do not go well together.

When it happened I knew instantly without seeing the blood or looking at my finger that it was bad. CAll me clairvoyant. I didn't feel pain. I didn't feel nausea, I felt mad, angry and very shallow. Mad at the fact that I am a perfectionist, that if I wasn't so much of one... then I wouldn't be in that situation. Id have my finger intact. Angry that the hand is the same hand that had the previous unfortunate incident deforming my, because of that incident, less than perfect self. HA! Shallow because I just wanted my hands to remain as they were prior to all the hand drama. I didn't want anything to ruin .... me. (blush) I know better though. Plus theres always reconstructive surgery HA!

Its a finger, I know. I have others. Why focus on this finger? No real reason other than its mine and its no longer the same. Ive got stitches and I don't think they were done well. Its just not done pretty. There goes my perfectionist streak. I wanted to tell her to redo them but shed already poked me enough trying to get it done. I had an intern. She talked while she was doing the procedure. Not talked to me about things to take my mind off of what was happening but talked to herself.

... I wonder which stitch I should use...
... Should I try and do another one here or would that not work?...
... I don't want to keep poking holes in the finger so I think Ill stop there...

They froze my finger, maybe just so they can poke more holes than was necessary. They wanted to put in a syringe full of the freezing stuff and I looked at her and asked her where she thinks all that fluid would go. She pricked me in 3 places and my finger looked like it was going to explode. I was scared. She didn't need a third of what was in the syringe.

We took pictures before they cleaned it all off. We need something to go eww over later on. This is a great story to tell LOL Which is why I'm telling it now :) Maybe picture sometime in the future. Of my bloody finger that is :)

My sister asked me if I could feel anything, I said no. She told me not to make that face. I asked which one and she said the one that looks like you can feel it. I told her it was my eyes seeing something that should be causing pain but not feeling it. Mind games. I smiled at her and we laughed. She told me that that wasn't much better as I was gritting my teeth.

When my hand and the Intern was sterile my finger was poking out of the cloth and I told my sister it looked like a very small penis. We laughed and the Intern asked what was funny. We told her and she said that my finger was the third finger shed had to stitch that day and that shed never heard that before. She said she was going to picture working on a penis... I told her to be gentle It was my first time. We all shared a laugh.

So 5 hours, some sliced chicken courtesy of my sister and the dinner she just came from, a bottle of water, good laughs and catching up with my sister. Getting home at midnight, walking the dogs, taking a shower... with a latex glove and rubber bands... Ill leave it to your imagination... I went to bed to wake up at 4am with a throbbing fourth finger. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned and wondered at how to make things feel better. My sister had my ice pack, I had no Tylenol 3 that Ive just learned exists and I was told would take away the pain and put me in a euphoric state... when did Tylenol 2 come out? Is there such a thing?

I don't take pills you see... aside from birth control, that's just common sense. So, no pills for me if I can help it. If my doctor says I need to take it then I do but I try not to take anything.

So woke up and got a text from D asking me if I am OK. He just got the text I sent the night before, letting him know about what happened. I didn't hear back from him. I thought he was asleep. He was. He felt bad and cursed his phone for not waking him when I sent the message.

He cares...?

I contemplated taking the day off but realized that this was the long work week that I have and it wouldn't do not to show up at J1 and then show up at J2. I would have stayed away from work had I not been scheduled to work at J2.

Which brings me here, writing this post about what happened last night. Nothing exciting. Kind of dramatic, but still filled with laughter.

I'm a bit worried though, about how sex will affect my finger. I'm a bit worried as sex promotes blood flow... Don't want any blood flow... well excessive blood flow in my right hand. I feel a bit self conscious with it and I'm thinking of what positions I can be in for sex. No pressure at all on it. Cant accidentally hit it on anything as that would bring back the focus to my finger. I'm going on a late lunch and going home for some much needed distraction. I'm looking to focus my mind on a different kind of throb on a different sort of ... appendage. (can I call it that?) on a different sort of person.

My warning to D... Be careful... my finger is fragile.

His reply. Its not your finger you should be worried about.

So much for warnings.

229 - you and your hand

I'm working the Beaver Boxing Event. Ringside something is the official title that I botched up Ill try to find out what it really is called.

Excerpts from last nights texting with D goes as follows

D - Are you thinking about that time when...

Darling - I am now... (cute that he is wondering about what I'm thinking of)

D - Ive been thinking about it and I like when its on your mind...

(its hard not to think about it. Its pretty eventful)

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Later on in the evening...

D - Not sure but it seems that all the women are flirty today

Darling - I think its because all the men are here flirting with me, I love this sport... be good

(I wonder why hes telling me about the flirty women... to make me jealous? It kind of worked.I had that 'hands of, hes taken! reaction, then thought about it and realized I had no right to even think that. As he isn't taken and its his decision if he wants your hands on him) I wonder if he was a bit jealous. I almost wanted to ask him if that was he wanted.

D - B good and stop flirting (Fair is fair, if you can, so can I)

Darling - Im always good.. cant help it but be good, the guys are out of control with their roaming hands.. but Ive got that time with you in my head. Lots of fun..

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About an hour before I leave (now early morning)

D - I so think you are hooking up (he sends it twice 10 min apart) I so think you are hooking up

Darling - Dont be silly. I want to hook up with you (I met a lot of men that night. Made new contacts for this, that and the other and through it all I'm thinking of the sex D and I have)

D - 30 min ur place (Test if I ever heard one, why do I think he wants to keep tabs?)

Why I got that feeling?

around 10ish

I call... and say Am I seeing you tonight?

He says Ill have to call you back

He calls back and asks yes??

Am I seeing you tonight?

We talked about this already and no I cant come over.

OK I just wanted to make sure

Just because I'm not coming over doesn't mean you have to hook up tonight

Hmm is that how it works? Hmmm really?

Well....

* Then again... It sounds kind of odd that I would call him and ask again knowing that hes not coming over.. but just to make sure.. I wanted to confirm. I can see how that would plant a seed of doubt... which would lead to where things were... Which might... in a land of what ifs.... make it that he doesn't want me to hook up with anyone else and is kind of jealous?


Darling - I wish I could meet you in 30 min, ill be here a while working. (I really would have enjoyed being /seeing him)

D - Fight was over 30 min ago (It even read as pouty and suspicious. I'm wondering how he knew when it was done... interesting...)

Darling - I would much rather be with you.. no one else... than here working. (True and then I thought of how my bedroom looks... living room it is :)

I ended up calling him after that. Soothe any egos that might need it. He still teased me about it when I asked him if he really thought I was hooking up that night. He must think I'm hot or something that I can pull men easily like that. Silly man.

I might leave early today to enjoy the nice weather.. that and make sure that I use up any vacation that wont be carried over. Ulterior motives you suspect? Yes, D and I might get together for a while. If that doest happen I have a super hot date that provides complete and utter satisfaction. I have a date with my bed. Alone that is, sweet sleep and relaxation.

Oh and interesting things about working the event.

I brought home 2 bottles of wine, comp of a group of men that I took care of.
Another group left me a tip of 50$
Ive a small army of business cards with cell #s on the back
Met a cool new contact who Ill be getting in touch with soon. He likes my attitude.
The mgr is thinking of having ladies wear skirts as a uniform. He got reviews about me HA!
Daniel 'Alfie' was at the event. So was the mayor of Ottawa. So was I :)
Beef tenderloin for dinner
Someone OK 2 people, screamed that I had nothing on under my skirt.
Which might explain the slew of business cards I got.
Keeping the cell phone in between.
Someone mentioned they needed cream, another joked not cream of sum yung gai? to which I replied... unsolicited as Im walking by their table, why not? I hear its pretty good. They all laughed and wanted me to join them for the rest of the night.

The song that came to my mind. 'you and your hand' :)

228 - Choose Darlings Adventure

Have I told you how much I enjoy D and the extra curricular activities we partake in? Its pretty fantastic as its a turn on for him to see me have as many petit morts as possible when were together. Me wanting to please.. die a little.. a lot with him.

I cant really say anything bad about this thing that we have. I just miss falling asleep after a night of much passion.

He got off work early last night.

Did we...

Option A Go out for drinks, get loaded and somehow didn't have enough energy for sex.

Option B stay in for sex and made such a mess that I slept on the futon in the living room.

Option C talked on the phone and went to our respective beds without any physical contact.

Ive got a long night ahead of me and its not even close to being over. Ill be working the annual Beaver Boxing Fundraiser tonight. I think last year when I worked the event I ended early in the morning. I know Ill be exhausted. I'm tired now and its midday. I need an energy boost at some point later. Hmm I wonder what I am thinking of that will give me that boost... any guesses?

I know I'm tired now and Ill be exhausted later and I'm wondering about my sex life and if I can fit it in somehow. Yes after I get off work. Maybe...I'm sure Ill think of something to make it all happen the way I want it to.

Tonight at the Beaver Boxing Fundraiser.

Will I be...

Option A walking around the inside of the ring in between rounds holding a sign high above my head wearing something tight black and very leg showcasing not to mention showing off everything else... letting everyone know what round is coming up.

Option B Wearing a short skirt to maneuver around closely placed tables to promote this that or the other.

Option C Flirting with those who stand in front of me waiting for drinks that will tickle their throat which will make them more relaxed, open and a bit more bold when it comes to getting womens attentions.

Job #2 I haven't been to in a while. Ill be working there 4 out of 5 days next week. From J1 straight to J2. The start of my day is at 6am or so. Those days Ill be finished my working day at 9pm. Again I'm wondering about when I'll be able to work in sex, those in soup and other recreational sports.

Maybe Ill have to be a bit less social next week. Make mad money that week and then be able to blow it all the week after. Maybe. Or I could have my cake and eat it too... me likey this train of thought listen up...

My goal for next week and I have to start preparing now. OK tomorrow as today isn't a good day as its full of other things. My goal is to make sure I eat well and healthy to keep me going daily and to plan things in detail as far as my travel/arrival time, groceries/food prep, sleep and of course the social and sexual activities that I don't want to miss out on.

Ill need some time off to recoup and relax I think. Maybe Ill take some time off when I don't have so much going on. We shall see.

Oh maybe late July is when Ill take some time off as FIFA is in Ottawa and Ive been requested to work those events.

Lunch time :)

227 - Speech

This was my speech when I was in grade seven or eight.

Marvel, DC, Valiant, Darkhorse, Image, Malibu are some comic book publishers to name a few.

Greeting fellow students and Mr G. Today I would like to talk about comic books, particularly their influence on their readers. Some criticize comic books as garbage, filth and especially a waste of money. Some would comment about their value in society, that they are not being influential enough.

Comic books, in my definition, is an illustrated short story having subplots, plots, settings and a few characters.

Originally, it began as a comic strip series for the local newspaper. They expanded into magazines containing all sorts of stories and a wide assortment or characters. They then expanded again into today's present form, having somewhere up to 30 pages or so.

Today an average comic book from Marvel comics would cost $1.60 CDN From Image comics a, a new and hot company. An average comic would cost $2.45. The difference between these companies, except its price is that image gives more than 30 pages and the quality of the art is excellent.

Most of the images comic book artist such as Canadians Todd McFarlane, Dale Keown. Korean Jim Lee, Filipino Whilce Portacio, American Mark Silvestriand Australian Sam Keith have their own artistic trademark which makes them famous. These artists would annually make $400,000.00...plus all respective profits from their own comic.

Just by reading comics or looking at every picture, it would influence your own technique like how the human figure is drawn, perspective, settings, shadings and anatomy.

Comic books would influence writers due to its use of plots, subplots, description of settings and characters and narratives. They would also show proper grammar, dialogue, abbreviations or possible dialect.

Well known comic book writer such as William Shatner, Clive Barker, Peter David, Neil Gaiman, Dave Sim, Frank Miller, Alan Moore and others would roughly make around $250,000.00 yearly. Quite a lot of money for comic book writers.

Regarding comic books as a waste of money, it may be true, but only to those who don't know if it is worth anything. Collecting comic books is quite like collecting stamps or sports cards.

Like stamps and sports cards, comic bocks increase in value, some increase faster than others but all in all they do increase. For example, Superman issue 75, where DC kills off Superman, presently costs $ 50.00 in the chart.

Another comic called Amazing Fantasy issue 1 where Marvel Introduces Superman costs $9,900.00. What an increase over 30 years! Comic books would increase in value through infinite reasons such as its art, the story and how many are in circulation...etc.

To conclude, comic books are influential enough to inspire artists and writers alike. They are educational through events taken from real life and changed into comic book form. And a good investment if you know what will cost $200 in the next 5 years.

Thank you for listening to my speech. I hope that you have learned some facts abut comic books.

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It was an absolute pleasure being in front of the class and the teacher. I remember being nervous going up to stand in front but once I inhaled, opened my eyes I felt a peace come over me and a calm awakening inside me that allowed me to go through the speech without any nervousness and awkwardness one would usually feel when put on the spot.

I did well and was asked to come up again the next day as no one wanted to go first. I broke the ice and again with the same speech this time, no nervous feeling. It was great. there was a short period of questions and answers after and it was great to be in control.

Every so often that moment of clarity comes over me and I feel like things look brighter, things are OK and life isn't as hard as people make it out to be.

I hope you all have moments of clarity such as these.

226 - no explanations

I need a new job.

225 - room service

You know when you have a bad feeling? When there's a little bell ringing telling you something is up? A tingle up your spine letting you know to be alert?

I felt that last night after being with M. I had the room to myself and felt frustrated as I usually do after spending time with him. I cant decide if its a good fristration or not. Thats for another post. He had to get something in his car he says. He took his things and was off.

Here comes the start of the tug of something not right. Takes everything he brought with him. He even asked me if I wanted anything and I just mentioned a bottle of water would be nice. Usually hell have things with him and have drinks poured. Not this time. He calls me from his car as he was driving back. Apologizing, letting me know that he had to take care of something and was important.

My Lie Radar went off and I didn't say anything on the phone for a minute and surprisingly I was pretty calm. Imagined his nether regions spontaneously combusting, that made me feel better. First time I thought of that and it made me smile and have a mental giggle. I didn't share that with him though. I just listened to his half arsed excuses and looked around the room and enjoyed the view. Fabulous view.

He throws out that he might be back in about 30 minutes and if I am hungry to order something from room service. Oh you bet Ill order something from room service. @$$..

I know the following will make me look like a complete witch but I didn't put out all the details of what happened and you don't need to know. It hasn't registered as funny to me so Ill save it until it does seem funny.. then its OK for me to share. Deal?

Here's what I had for dinner.


CRAB RILLETTE / RILLETTE DE CRABE
Smoked Salmon Blinis, Tarragon Pesto
blinis au salmon fumé, pistou à l’estragon


BABY GREEN PANACHE / PANACHE DE MINI LAITUE
Oven Roasted Cherry Tomatoes,
Preserved Cucumber, Carrot Ribbons
& Chardonnay Vinaigrette
tomates cerises rôties au four, concombre


OVEN ROASTED PORK TENDERLOIN / FILET DE PORC AU FOUR
Wrapped in Bayonnaise Ham with a Brie Melt,
Roasted Garlic Whipped Potato Pan Jus Reduction
enroulé de jambon de Bayonne avec une fondue au fromage Brie,
purée de pomme de terre à l’ail rôti avec réduction de vin rouge


WHITE CHOCOLATE PARFAIT / PARFAIT DE CHOCOLAT BLANC
With Seasonal Berries
avec baies en saison

I can tell you that room service was excellent, food was excellent and I had a fantastic time enjoying the 22nd floor view of the Parliament buildings and of The Supreme Court etc, which I dutifully enjoyed au naturel. Walking around in a robe was great and even more decadent was walking around the hotel room naked with all the blinds pulled open.

The balcony, spacious and clean made for a great place to enjoy dinner.

Now, I know hell get the bill soon enough. Ill feel guilty over it later on. I know, how can I sleep at night? Like a baby. Maybe an addition to the woodchipper...

224 - chicken a la moi

My sister calls it chickening out. I dont know what I would call it. Difficult is what I thought of. I couldnt go through with it. Putting the Little One down.

You should have seen her while we were at the vet. She was romping around, looking like she owns the place smiling away, clueless of the reason we were there.

Everyone there gave her a rub, scratch or a pat on the head. Shes so well behaved. No limping. No coughing and no little accidents while we were inside. Even my sister commented on her youthful appearance and demeanor.

We decided that she was faking it for she must have realized what was happening. Smart dog, how could I think of going through with this? My sister hands me tissues from her purse and tells me to hold on to these I might need it. That makes me tear up a bit more.

The vet and I go through whats been happening and how she has been as of late and she recommended that we try a couple of things and if they dont improve then we can go ahead and follow through with it. She said its my decision and she would support whatever it is 100%.

Ill have to put drops in her eyes every 12 hours and squeeze ointment in her ear. Ill also have to get a urine sample to the vet to check how her kidneys are doing. Any ideas??

My thoughts on it? Im glad shes still around. I feel strange that she might not have been here this morning. Its not a big deal for me to give her drops and do this and that to see if things improve. I have to try right? One day ill have to go through this and actually have to...

I didnt think I would cry. I thougth I prepared myself for it as every day I would think about it and her and see her and spend time with her.trying to find someglimmer of understanding on her part that would let me know that shes ok or not ok. I never got that. All I got was her usual pant for, treat? food or walk? expectancy look.

D calls me a couple of times during the night asking how I am. He knows I must be feeling off. Nice guy.

So were still all together. My dad called during dinner and we told him that The Little One is still around. He was happy though sounded exhausted. My sister and I wish we could win the lottery so we can give my dad the option of retiring. Hes works so hard and I know he loves what he does, but I want him to be healthy, happy and rested.

My sister bought lottery tickets last night. Were planning on getting a few from different places around the city. I know. I wont get my hopes up too high, enough to make me kick myself though but thats about all :) Thats minor compared to other things happening.

Come on, 37 million? Doesnt hurt to try, right?

Oh yes, I almost forgot. Im leaving early today and Im meeting someone from the soup category M who visits me every so often for a delectable afternoon. Hes got something new to try too. If its suitable, I just might end up blogging about it...

223 - circle of friends

D and I spent Friday night together. ok spent part of Friday night together. Not the whole thing. I got off work and rushed home for a quick shower, walked and played with the dogs and just got things done so I can be out for the night. The apt is cleaned and tidy, nothing embarrassing and personal lying around that other people might see. Those are all stored in a safe and secret and totally unguessable place :)

He calls me and lets me know hes coming soon and asks me where I am. I tell him that I'm home and he says hes on his way. He gives me a couple of options as to what we can do. Either stay in or go out for drinks. If were staying in he can pick up a few things and be over as soon as he can or we could find a patio and have drinks there.

We christen my bathroom a couple of times and that's the something new he was talking about. Or is it? Ill leave it to your imagination. No, no hints :)

We decide to go to a bar that I hadn't been to before. That could be the something new.. I know you're wondering now :) I was happy either way to stay in or go out, I wanted to stay in because of the fabulous job my AC was doing, but I also wanted to go sit on a patio and have drinks with him. Ill suffer the humidity :)

I wear a jean skirt and a t-shirt that says busy being single in front. He laughs at that shirt and I do too. It wasnt as awkward as I thought it would be, but it was different. I just went with it and enjoyed myself and him and the night.

The bar isn't very crowded. We sit at a table and order drinks. We decide to go for doubles after the first round as the waitress doesn't come by very often. We talk, flirt and talk some more. As glasses are emptied and more come by. Our topics get more personal.

There was a lot of kissing a lot of hugging and at one point I told him I wanted to get on his lap for some fun. He thought about it and told me to hold that thought for later that night. He looked around at the crowd and said that it might start something...

I laughed and we continued to drink. He talked about his family and his friends. How he feels about them and basically shared that hes passionate about friends and family. Awesome.

We also talked about fidelity and marriage, we see eye to eye on that though he might be a bit more open about things that I thought I was. But its easier said than done, for much in life right?

I did something stupid. I laugh at myself for the sheer stupidity of it but I thought what the hell. I told him I liked him and then I found out that its just going to be a friends with benefits thing. Until the fun runs out and then nothing. I don't even think that I meant to tell him that I liked him. I mean I knew I did, but like him as a person. I know who tells people these things? I do. So anyway I got that answer. He gave me a hug after that and said a few things that I didn't hear. all I heard was laughter in my head at how silly I was.

So there. I know what this is. I went through the usual.. whats wrong with me.. and didn't come up with an answer to that so... I'm all right :) Actually even better as things are clear. I'm no longer confused. Kind of bummed but all in all, much better. The amount of alcohol stunted any negative reactions to that :)

I like him as a person, hes great in bed. An all around good guy and if something happened later on then something happens. Its one of those things that I think will be a great .. friendship. No matter how things go. Were both pretty laid back and I think Ive just added a lifer to my circle of friends.

Now onto other things. The Little One is still with me. Plans changed and the Vet asked if I would be OK to rebook for tonight. I said that's no problem. I get to spend more time with her. The weekend was great we went to the park and I gave her a haircut, trimmed her nails and fed her like shes a Queen. The Big One was a tad jealous. But she was treated as well.

So its on for tonight, after work. Then my sister is taking me out for some heavy drinking or as much as I need. Might just be a glass of wine to toast the Little One. I think I'm just scared that I'M doing the wrong thing. That it wont be whats right. Arg.

Shes pretty darn cute though and she still looks the part of a puppy. Shell always be a puppy to me which is why its hard to let her go. Well, Ill leave it at that.

222 - irritated

I'm irritated. Was supposed to meet D for lunch and that didn't happen. I called him at 12:15 like he asked and woke him up from a dead sleep. I felt bad. He said he'd call back. He didn't. I sent a couple of texts his way and got one back at 2:30 letting me know hes sorry and he just got up.

I'm irritated. He sends me another text message saying he'll make it up to me. I hate waiting. I waited. I hate being stood up. I was stood up. So I ate lunch and was irritated with it. It gave me no satisfaction. Not this time.

I'm irritated. My sister and I are trying to set something up with my brother who I have sent numerous text messages to. No replies to any one of them. I was also worried that he was hurt somewhere and couldn't get in touch with me or my sister.

I'm irritated as hes all defensive when I ask him if hes OK and let him know that its polite to get back to someone. Specially if they are family, specially if its to spend some time with them to honor how they are getting older but apparently not smarter. I'm sorry that was uncalled for. I take it back.

I'm irritated as I wanted to go out for dinner with them during the week so I can cry like a baby this weekend when I have to put the Little one down. Now I have to take care of the little one Saturday morning and then celebrate their stupid birthdays.

I'm irritated and shouldn't say their stupid birthday. I just don't know if I can keep it all together.

I'm irritated as 2 days ago was my Aunts Birthday and I didn't even call her to say Happy Birthday. I forgot.

I'm irritated as no one called me to remind me. I know its not anyone else's fault mine but I remind people about other peoples birthdays so they don't look like an idiot.

I'm in the mood to fight. I want to fight and then have angry sex.

I know I wont fight with anyone. I'm not a fighter. I also know that I wont have angry sex.

Ill be celibate for the next 4 days... the joy of being a woman and all that jazz.

OK So hes called me back and is taking the afternoon off of work, not necessarily to spend time with me. But he said he would which is nice. We'll end up doing things together, though this should be telling as we will be spending time together which doesn't involve bodies rubbing against each other. As much as we both would like that... I'm not 100% sure it will happen. Stranger things have happened right?

The heat here today is perfect if a bit much for beach weather. I felt like going but decided against it. Ill be leaving early today, apparently D wants to try something new. I'm curious as to what it is...

I can tell hes looking forward to getting together, I have a mental scream if things go boom because there may be no sex involved in the afternoon/evening we'll be spending together. I wonder how that's going to turn out. I might be tempted to start discussions that I might be ready for.

Ill keep myself busy and have a mouthful of something or another to stop from having that conversation. I mean what? Its only been about 3 and 1/2 months since we've met. That cant be/mean anything. HA!

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- not looking forward to tomorrow,
- will sleep with the Little One tonight
- Treat the Little One to more treats and fanfare
- still conflicted over it all
- Hope you all have a great weekend.

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction

Hes fully clothed stretched out on the bed hands behind his head. I walk around to the other side and stand looking him over as I sip from my glass. In my head Ive got a mental image of my head thrown back while he holds my hips as hes inside me. Ive also got a mental image of being wrapped in his arms as we spoon for a nap.

He gives me an opening as he says 'I could really go for a nap right now'

'A nap does sound good, I was thinking about asking you how you'd feel if we just took a nap'

I'm crawling up from the foot of the bed as I say this and I stop and stay kneeling by his hips. His hands still behind his head. I lift his shirt and undo his belt buckle, pull down his zipper and we have a brief conversation about zippers snagging skin. Happened to him once he says and its something he'd rather not recall. That made me laugh.

I leave his jeans open in a V and just run my fingers above him. From hip to hip. His skin is warm, soft and I can see him grow with the shift of his jeans. I continue to just touch and feel. At that time its not about sex for me. I actually just want to touch and feel. Give him a massage. Rub my hands over his body and have him feel calm and relaxed.

'I thought you wanted to take a nap' I hear and I smile, kind of lost in thought and now thrown into a moment of conflict as I want to take a nap, I need to take a nap, but I also want to bring those earlier images to reality.

'Pants off' I tell him as I tap his hip and move to the side. He pulls them off and I take him in my mouth and feel him harden more. He reaches in between my legs and I feel the heat from his hands through my pants. Pressing his palms up into me I rotate my hips and my head moves up and down over his body. My hair to one side so he has a clear view of what I am doing.

His other hand is just at the top of my head. His fingers softly massaging as they spread apart and come together. I turn my head and lick the length of him eyes open, watching him, his head tilted up to see what I am doing. Our eyes connect and I wink at him and swallow him whole again. The sound of air leaving his mouth in a rush turns me on and the hand in between my legs squeezes my inner high. That turns me on too.

I have a thought in the back of my mind. 'Too late to stop and just take a nap now' Which makes me smile. I know either way I will be satisfied.

I crawl myself backwards off of the bed and slowly bring my pants to my ankles as he watches. I crawl my way up, his body underneath me and I rub my breasts over his chest. He holds them in his hands and showers my nipples with attention. Licks, flicks and nibbles. All the while our lower bodies touching but not quite joined. My hips push down and I feel him rub against me.

I moan and lift myself off of him and lean up straight. I reach in between my legs and he holds himself in his hand and rubs himself over me. My hands land flat on his chest and he places himself at my opening and as I push down and inhale, he pushes up at the same time.

I move my body over his his eyes focused on where we are joined. I lean back on to my left side and my other hand on my inner thigh and hear 'oh yeah, that's it' I smile, continue to move my body over him and stop while I have him deep inside me. I lean forward and offer him my neck which he takes and flicking his tongue over the spot. His hips slowly push up to go deeper inside me and that makes my breath catch. Soon I'm holding myself up hands beside his head as my breasts sway in front of his face.

I lean up and somehow manage, without losing connection, have both feet flat on either side of him. I move my body over him and soon sounds other than our encouraging words are heard, bodies sliding against each other and skin slapping against each other is heard and this fuels us both and my earlier thoughts have now become a reality.

We both have orgasms that leave a satisfied grin on our faces. I look at him after our breathing have subsided and lay down beside him thinking, thoughts are powerful and I love how with enough hard work it can be reality.

221 - hat and heels

A hard hat was handed to me last week and I was told that I needed to wear it not necessarily at my desk but when I leave the office and out into the main building.

Hard hats Ive learned dont do anything for me that I think is physically pleasing to the eye. The construction workers and the other people (men) that I work with in different departments and other buildings. Apparently a big turn on. Comments range from...

- I hope you are able to bring that home with you.. (CW)

- You look really good in a hard hat (Construction worker)

- In my dreams you've got the hat, your heels and moving around a pole (CW)

- You know that's a huge turn on for me. Women in hard hats...

So if all else fails ladies.. get a hard hat. Mine was white to represent my purity. (smiles sweetly) I didn't get a choice. we all got brand spanking new, never been work hard hats.

Ive got to lug this thing around on my head or in my hand for a total of 6 weeks here at work. Lovely. It takes up space and isn't very pretty. I wanted to white Princess in front but that wouldn't have gotten old at some point and I would want to erase it and write Priestess...Your Highness or maybe something a bit less intimidating :)

Ive talked to most of the construction workers and a few colleagues have mentioned that I shouldn't flirt with them so much. I told them that I was being friendly. They were flirting. Maybe if I flirt they'll get the job done faster. Doubt it. I don't have that much influence.

Its been hot then cold in the office here. The lights have been on and off and I keep sending mental messages to them to accidentally cut a major source of power so that none of the computers work and therefore I don't have to work. I guess bed isn't the only place I'm selfish.

The amount of noise here is unreal and not made by me or the other people I work with. Construction noise is loud. I'm kind of annoyed by it. Only because it isn't very professional to be dealing with people on the phone when you have to scream and yell at each other and ask them to repeat themselves numerous times.

They've decided to leave my department here in the building right by where all the renos will be done because it would have been too much of a hassle to move all the computers and such to another location. Not nice.

So just to see what I would look like in just the hat and heels. I stripped in front of the mirror at home last week and fully clothed, the hat does nothing for me. Naked, with only the hard hat and heels, kind of sexy. OK a lot sexy. But that could just be because I think its sexy to be naked with heels on. Men in heels not so much. Women in heels. Much.

K called me last night we had a short talk about things that we have been up to and I'm confused about how to approach him about something. Cant say what it is outright but it may never come out in conversation. So ill just let things go on as they are. We might be meeting this weekend. Not sure yet

Oh, Ill be seeing M this Thursday. I figure Ill have an earlier night with M than if I went to work bartending. I know Ill be really tired and will want to sleep. I know it might seem like I'm picking the more boring of the 2 and I don't usually, but this time I am.

All in the name of preservation. I want to make sure that I am OK for the following days and not dead on my feet or frustrated for some reason or another. This way, this option is the best in the long run... or until it proves otherwise lol

Ive just been hit with a bad case of the sleepies. I need a nap. I think Ill go take one for about an hour.

220 - the only thing thats yours.

My bladder is getting back at me for neglecting to do what I was supposed to on Saturday night. 11 hours without a bathroom break and about 6 bottles of water. I lost my voice by the end of Saturday night. Someone told me I sounded like Stevie Nicks that night... which I have to ask those of you who are familiar with her musical stylings. Is it a good thing to sound like her?

I did a lot of screaming and not the usual kind that you expect to do when your team scores and the crowd goes wild. Every score that game, the crowd went wild with screaming, yelling and fists pumping. Me? I was screaming things like.

- You there in the baby blue shirt and faded jeans, Id like to sleep with you NOW. Tell your friend hes next!

- I'm a lesbiannnn... I like women..... no one can hear me.. good... cz I really like mennnn!!

- Who wants to see me jump into this tub of water???!?!? nakedddd??

someone actually offered me money to do that. His first offer was 10$ I told him I would take that as a tip for the beer I was handing him. His second offer was 50$ I told him that would cover my manicure. The last offer he had was 300$ I told him to put it on the table and get ready to be splashed. He asked if he could take a picture and I said no deal. Wouldn't want evidence of silly things that I do. Its nice enough in my memory :)

- Ive got a crush on too many guys and if I continued to scream and yell about it by the time you all have stopped Ill be the only one screaming and that would be very embarrassing!!

The other people I was working with who were standing 3 feet away? Didn't have a clue about the things I was screaming. The crowd was that loud. I was yelling and screaming out a whole lot of thing that had nothing to do with hockey. It was a lot of fun.


Ever since that Saturday and my neglect for my bladder, its like every hour, no matter what Ive had to drink if I had anything to drink I head off to the Lil girls room. All because now my bladder is on strike and is getting back at me. I know it wasn't the greatest to leave it that long. It couldn't be helped unless there was a forest nearby or if they were handing out Pee-mates (sic)

Very handy little things for large crowds and not enough facilities. The plus to this handy dandy thingy is that its for both males and females.

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The function I worked last night bartending was fun, they had great music, a lot of people dancing making good use of it, they had a jumbo slide for people to climb and weeeee all the way down, had a section for a bikes to ride around in. The bikes looked like the ones clowns would use in a circus. 3 wheels and painted brightly. Big screen TVs and a huge buffet for the hungry. The MC was great and us bartenders were hopping around filling orders and getting our flirt on.

Ive noticed though that I flirt a lot. More then the other girls that were there. Ill flirt with men and tease the women. Have to make sure that everyone gets the spotlight even for a few moments. Good karma. Spread the Love and full circles and all that.

Good memory helps, personal info like names, jobs, family, pets and specially what they drink comes in handy. It keeps them coming back for more. Now whether its the actual drink or who pours their drink that brings them back I'm not 100% sure But Id like to think its me. Really though I know its the drink that brings them back. But its me they go to instead of the other ladies I work with. They'll stand and wait in a line so they can be served by yours truly.

Whenever one of the other ladies asks one of my regulars who are waiting in line for a drink if they can help them, they always smile and say 'no thank you I'm waiting for Darling'. I always blush like a schoolgirl, look at them with a small smile and wink like a minx. Of course by the time they get to me Ive got their drink ready made and have something clever to say to make them laugh and make sure they have a great time.

The reason I like getting info like names and other things is because they know my name. How?Its says so right there on the tag attached to my top. All in caps. DARLING. Also everyone I work with calls out my name if they need something or need to know how to work something. So they hear it and see it and so they use it. I always find it strange not knowing someones name when they know mine. Although... switch it around and I don't mind so much if I keep the mystery... Its my name!! If I have the choice? Ill hold on to it as long as I can. Its a gift, special, meant for those that I want to share it with.


Kind of hokey pokey I know. What can I say?

Someone once told me that your name is the only thing that's yours. It made sense at the time to me, I cant explain how... but Its the most personal thing about you. Your name. Think about it and hopefully you might agree even to a small extent. Everything else? isn't yours like your name is.

219 - exhausted

I worked 11 hours bartending. On my feet in a short skirt, black boots and no bathroom break. Drank lots of water and I was almost in hopping tears when I got home. The only good thing? I had the sweetest relief of that kind ever. Angels sang and everything in the world seemed right for the few moments that I had to alleviate the pressure.

I could have gone but...

1- it was too busy to leave my bar
2- the line to the washroom was longer than the line ups for beer
3- I'm not a big fan of portables (I was working in the main tent outside)
4- I was having too much fun flirting with the hockey fans.

Major lactic acid buildup in my legs. Not comfortable. I didn't know how else to help myself other than lay on the floor/bed with my legs against the wall pointing up. I ended up doing that in the early morning when I got home on Sunday but only after taking the dogs out for a walk. If I didn't take them out after I using the bathroom I would have left their walk until the morning. That wouldn't be fair, I just had my moment of pleasure, they should have theirs too.

I slept like a baby. I plugged the phone to charge, washed my face and brushed my teeth. Did my wall thing for my legs and then lay down in bed and got in some much needed shut eye.

My phone rings early on Sunday morning, about 730am. I think Oh my goodness I'm late. For what I'm not so sure. I search for the phone and knock over my bottle of water, thank goodness its capped.

Its D calling. I answer and hes telling me hes heading out for breakfast.. and I wait and there's not offer to get me breakfast. Oh well I cant win them all. I ask him where hes going and hes not too far away. He says 'well I thought Id give you a call and see if you were up for a visitor at this time.' I reply without thinking. 'You woke me up and I'm exhausted.'

We continue to chat for a bit and I'm starting to wake up and I ask him if hes coming over and he says 'you just told me you're tired.' I answered back that I had just woken up and am just then getting my mind thinking straight and I could use some morning sex.'

He turns the car around and 10 minutes later he comes in and I have to say that I getting that kind of wake up. Not the phone call but the sex part of my morning. He comes over and have quick intense orgasms. I know hes on his way somewhere but I don't remember where hes heading and we talk and laugh for a few minutes and we get dressed. Ive got a brunch date that calls me at 11:30 to let me know hes not going to make it. Its OK. I'm good with that and I can use the time to sleep instead of entertaining. But under any other circumstances I hate it when people cancel on me. GRR!!

I take a nap and wake up whenever the phone rings. Have unintelligible conversations until they give up and tell me that they'll call me later when my brain returns. I wake up and take the dogs out. Feel like the bottom of someones shoe and head off to work... in what I had on to take the dogs out. A beige tennis skirt, a tank top and a light white sweater. Feel like a bum but I wasn't feeling stellar. No one noticed. They all said I looked good. Phew! Fooled them this time didn't I?
Work was uneventful but someone was smiling down on me and my situation and made everything go smoothly. Even had time to talk to D for about 20 minutes in the middle of it all. Ill inject some insanity here (I think he likes me) Insert maniacal laughter as that's just crazy talk :) (shrugs)

Went home a bit early as I usually do. Took the dogs out, fed them and took a shower, made sure the alarm on my cell was enabled and went to bed with drops of water still on my body.

Still kind of sleepy Monday afternoon and I'm bartending at some pharmacist thingy tonight until who knows when then meeting D. Hopefully early enough to watch the end of the hockey game with him and have a few drinks, or for some serious feel good moments of laughter and pleasure.

M2 was coming into town but I had to let him know that next week would be better and hes able to juggle his schedule for me which was nice. Phew! Should make for a fun time. Hes not in town for long but when he is, its a very fun afternoon.

K and I will be meeting sometime this week, most probably the end of the week. If our schedules work out.

My work day here at J1 is almost over. I'm not ecstatic as I have another long night ahead of me at J2. They want me there for 5:30 and because I'm so Darling they said that I could come in whenever I could make it in. Either they are desperate or they know that I'm Gold :) HA!

The only thing that I am thinking of iS... what time Ill get off tonight...

218 - mistext

I know that Ive brought it up before. This thing with D and I. I don't know what it is. At the middle of the game Saturday night while I was bartending game 3 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. I get a text message that was not at all meant for me.

'If she is wearing underwear they are see through cz I can see everything I don't think shes shy'

It was meant for his friend, one of his friends. Not me. I don't know if he knew this girl or not but I have to wonder if he sends anyone else anything about me and the things that Ive done. I just wonder that's all.

I kind of chuckle at the text that was sent to me by accident and I imagine him with eyes wide open, swearing up a storm at how dumb his accidental mistext was. I could have sent him a text letting him know that he sent it to the wrong person but I just left it. I had much more imortant things to do. Flirt with the hockey fans. That... and I wanted him to stew and come up with a story to go with it LOL

I also think about whether this thing, such as it is, will go anywhere as far as well, the future goes (any kind of future, short/long?) I have no idea. I haven't started thinking of couple things with him other than going out for meals and having sex. OK that's a lie. I have thought of going on a vacation with him somewhere hot but... I've also just pictured us only having sex and ordering room service. I do need sustenance to keep up with the sexual demands of my libido. HA!

Its simple this thing we have and I really don't want to complicate things. Which I will by having any sort of conversation about us that involves more than sex and whats involved in the sex we are planning on having.

No, its not all about sex. It cant be when we keep in touch throughout the day. For a few moments I thought it was so he could make sure I wasn't out gallivanting about with other men. Ive gotten the occasional 'be good tonight' or ' no hooking up tonight' text from him.

I smile at his texts and continue with my nights. When the mood is right, I let cards fall where they may. If I cant meet him for some reason or he asks about my plans for a night when we aren't together. Ill be honest and let him know if I have a dinner date or what not with someone. I can never tell what his reaction is. Unless its what happened last time I told him I was meeting someone before he was coming over. That was obvious. Well obvious as in he wasn't having any part of it but that could be because he wants to be the first one to be with me that night. He assumed that's what was happening with the other guy. Silly.

Anyway. Its all just a little bit in the air as I want but I don't want. I'm too much of a chicken to say anything at this time but some one day I might just screw it all up and say things I'm not supposed to say in order to figure something out. I'm hoping though, that Ill just keep doing what I'm doing now even if I have the occasional inner conflict and doubt. That I'm used to :)

My sister and I have talked about it and we both agree that I have no idea how to go about having a normal relationship. But what is a normal relationship? I'm sure this can be argued til the cows come home. That's a big part of it I think. I haven't had a normal relationship and I don't know 'The Rules' if there are any. I know there have been books written about the rules of what to do and what not to do.

Going though it and living it seems much more my thing. I prefer to talk to people about it and go with trial and error. I also prefer to have it all bang around my head every so often. Hey.. as far as problems go? This is one of my biggest in my life at the moment. I'm not really complaining. Ill take this over many other things that people have going on in their lives.

So to sum it all up, I'm confused but sexually satisfied with whats happening.

217 - June already

M called asking me if I was free to meet with him on Wed or Thurs next week. I said I would prefer Thurs. He said he'd call back to confirm that.

I called to let the bar know that I could bar tend at some banquet Monday night and while I was on the phone with him he also booked work for me for 2 other nights. One of them happens to be on the Thurs I told M I would meet him. Darn!

Maybe Ill be able to tell him that I can meet with him on Wed night instead. So I can work Thurs night and wear a jean skirt with a black top for some good ole country ho down. (I was told that's what I needed to wear) Which means Ill have to change Girls Night for that week.

I know Ill want to see D at some point. Ill have to see what his schedule is like. Get this, his schedule is changing and hell be working from say 1-9 or so. So I wont have anymore midnight callers. Well, midnight calls from him I should say. So I'm a bit confused at my reaction to his new schedule. I was glad that he didn't have to finish so late, but I was worried that things between us would get uhhh more than what it is. What? Me? Chicken? kinda yeah.

Even though he thinks we have similar outlooks, even though he thinks I'm sexy, even though etc etc... I don't know if any of this is anything other than something physical. He enjoys pleasing me and making sure that I'm satisfied. Likewise of course :) I shouldn't really think about it too much. But I do.

So I was a bit bummed as now I wont be able to have lunches et al with him. But.. I do get to see him in the evening and I will be able to get to sleep at a decent hour instead of 2 or so in the morning. Unless were going out and coming home at that time. lol

To make me feel better he said that he'd make time for me. Gee thanks. That makes me feel like a winner. Like everything else in my life. Enjoy it while you have it. You might not have it the next day.

He hasn't been feeling well. I think he has the flu... again. I told him he might need vitamins. He said he was taking those one-a-day vitamin pills... he thought about it a moment and then said he might need to take 2. Silly, but it made me laugh. Hes going to see his doctor this afternoon to find out whats happening. I hope I don't catch whatever it is. Who wants to have the flu in the summer?? Not I!

One of my girlfriends is coming back from Mexico this Saturday. Shes returning from a much needed week long vacation with her boyfriend. I can just imagine what shes doing now. A whole lot of relaxing in the sun. Not worrying about anything here at home. I'm jealous! She knows it and promised to bring back a few bottles that have worms in them. HA!

Tuesday night might be open as my sister and I might not see each other if we don't decide what we want to do other than play pool. If we end up not deciding what we both want to do then Ill sleep. I know ill need whatever sleep I can get for next week.

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A lot on the strange side. A coworker was thirsty, had an empty cup. Grabbed a bottle of water and poured herself a nice tall glass of H2O. I bet it was refreshing. I know it was. It was my bottle of water. It bothered me.

Have a great weekend... Where did May go? and welcome to June!

216 - night alone

A night alone, no plans with those in the soup bowl. Kind of nice. A lot unnerving. Why unnerving? Just that it feels different not having plans. A good different of course. As much as I love getting ready to go out or have someone over. There is something to be said about

1 walking around in a pair of boy cut panties and a tank top with a pair of flip flops.
2 dancing around to a good song pretending I'm a stripper to continue the night without the tank top, panties or flip flops.
3 putting on a pair of sweatpants and a sweater to play with the dogs in the park
4 letting my phone ring and not answering it

I have to admit it was nice. It was nice to be alone and just not bother about things like my hair, nails or what I'm wearing. It was great to run around with the big dog while the little one sniffed around the trees. We would run back to her and bring her to a new spot to explore while the big dog and I ran around again.

Running around reminded me to go back to the gym. I'm not in bad shape, just need to get in better shape. Better is always better. Its either 5:30am or after work. I prefer to go in the morning but I only get to fit in an hour and a half. If I go in the afternoon I'm there for 2-3 hours. Once I get going its go go go.

So that's on my list of things to get back on track on. The gym. Id also like to say that Id like to get on track with reading again. Its been a while. I'm a bit wary though as it may turn me into a temporary recluse. Ill gobble up books one after the other and still be hungry for more. What I have been doing to satisfy my reading hunger. Is pick a book and read a chapter or 2 at a time instead of the whole book in one sitting. Its OK but I feel like I've forgotten the start of the book.

I might just go on a book binge sometime. Though usually and I might be mistaken. Ill read when nothing interesting is happening in my life. Could that be true? Maybe, possibly. Who knows. But if nothings happening in my life. I could possibly read a book and I could always get ideas. Some good others not so much. Some very very good :) Its all turned out well so far.

Tomorrow is my brothers Birthday. He'll be 30. Tomorrow is also the Sens game which I will be working from 2 in the afternoon until who knows when. Ive got Sunday morning to myself but that times already been earmarked for things like groceries, laundry, cooking etc.

So my night alone made me think of whats been happening with the alphabet soup.

D, not quite sure what we are. Maybe friends with benefits. But I'm not an expert on these types of relationships but we text and talk to each other often throughout the day. Id like to know whats on his mind about us but I'm hoping that its something I'm OK with and something that wont make me run... and vice versa. Don't want to make him run as its pretty good how things are. We'll see each other in the middle of the day for lunch and or for something more.

K, is eager to spend more time with me, but with August on its way, I have to keep in mind I don't want to.. complicate things... more than they are. Sex is good though. Were still in that stage where its brand new, its all full of tentative touches until you find that reaction you're looking for. Still curious about him and his life and love talking while sharing a bottle of wine.

G2, calls me once every few days to touch base and see how I am doing. Hes still wanting me to go visit him and I'm not sure if I will or not. Doubt that I will. He called me 3 times yesterday while I was on phone strike. Ive yet to listen to his messages and the other messages on my voicemail. Oh and he just called me again and it was good to catch up with him. Didn't talk long. Had to turn down the invite for this weekend. I'm working the tailgate party for the Sens game here on Saturday. I might not be home until well after the game ends... well.. depending how much people are partying.

G, has fallen off my radar but he always pops back every so often. Hes trying to plan a trip to TO and I think as soon as he knows the details then he'll get in touch with me. Hes got a lot on his plate. Ill fire off an email to him to see how hes doing. I might not have a 'normal' relationship with him but I do generally care about how he is. As I do with everyone. Just more so with the people that I am actually involved in as there is a personal connection there.

T, I'm not sure if Ive mentioned. Is in Chicago doing research for...?... something medical. I wasn't sure if it was something he could talk about so I didn't ask details. Hes been there for a while and he hails from TO. Haven't heard from him in a while. I hope hes OK. I should send him an email as well.

M2, called me yesterday while I was at work. He always says that I could have a job in the phone sex industry if that was something I wanted to get into some day. I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted. I just laugh and shake my head at that. Hes an interesting character, every so often when its convenient for him he gets in touch with me for something or another.

S, left me a couple of messages that I wasn't able to return. But we did connect this morning and he wants to get together some time and he wants to take me to a 'special place' I don't know about you but If someone tells you its a special place it can either mean that hes someone special to me and knows the kind of things I like. Or its special to him because hes hoping to get some. So... thinking that, Ive only had dinner with him once and now he wants to take me to somewhere special. I think Ill be vetoing that and picking a special place that I choose. In this case a coffee shop in a public area sounds about perfect.

P, is super focused about getting together. More to come when things develop.

I know it might look bad. The alphabet soup that Ive got going on. Its not, at least I don't think it is. All our schedules are different and it works out that I do have time for myself and its nice to be organised enough to make sure that I see them every so often. When schedules work out of course. Makes for a lot of fun and keeps me busy and on my toes. Not to mention needing to look good which makes me feel good... the cycle continues :)

I'm young and healthy not to mention safe. It wont always be like this. I know that. At some point things will change and I wont have soup. Instead Ill have.. something... or nothing and Ill starve. It all about trying new things, meeting new people and living life to the fullest. I should probably focus some of the energy elsewhere in my life... theres an idea. Maybe my work life will be as fullfilling as my sex life. HA!

I'm only 27 once in my life.. for 364 days. Imagine the possibilities! I have no idea what will happen for most of those days but I know that I have some control over what happens with some. Enjoy what you can. 28 is coming and its eager for its chance to live it up :)