216 - faking it

Lost the hockey game against the Ducks last night. I didn't watch it. I stayed home and spent some time with the little dog. Took pictures and just had a lazy evening. All this, of course after D comes over. We tried to take a nap. As he sent a text earlier that day asking if it was OK if he took a nap, he was exhausted. I thought it was a joke and said of course. I even told him Id wear something so I wouldn't distract him.

So he came over and we got into bed. As promised I had on something to not distract him. I was however distracted by the tent he was pitching and decided to investigate and see what all the fuss was about. The fuss took an hour and change of my time but we got all the details out and into the open.

We did end up taking nap and even though I wasn't wearing anything it was nice. Kind of strange at first as it usually is when its the first time ever that you're resting/sleeping/letting yourself sleep with someone new. Yes that's right. This would be the first time ever that he slept here... with me. The first time ever that Ive had someone else sleep in my bed in my apartment.

We didn't fall asleep right away, I couldn't. I was still kind of in a haze of details that was just uncovered by the investigation that involved teamwork. Still stimulated, I felt a little uncomfortable about sleeping with him. I wonder if he felt the same way?

I hate to admit it but I faked it. I hate to say that Ive never done that before. Faked it I mean. I'm usually all for it, get in there and take what you can get. Its not always that you have time in the middle of the day to do something like it and its always nice when you have someone else there. I mean Ive done it by myself often and for many years, I come out all satisfied, energized and wanting more, some days more than once or twice. I'm a big fan of making sure its done at least once a day, if you can get it. Its also nice if it lasts more than 15 minutes and if you go deep. If you can make it last for 30 minutes then personally that's just wonderful.

I wasn't sure how to position myself. Do I just pretend hes not here and take up the whole bed? Sprawl out or be take the lest amount of room possible. Do I snuggle against him? Does he even like that? Lean my head on his shoulder? No I didn't do that it was too hot. Not the air but our body temperature. That would just make my cheek stick to his chest. Not attractive.

Do I spoon with him? Should I be the outside or the inside of the spoon? I didn't know. So in the end I just turned away from him and to my side. I thought maybe ill just see what he does. No spooning. Just as well. I didn't want to start dissecting reasons for why or why nots.

I think turning away from him was the signal for conversation to wane and he eventually fell asleep. How could I tell? His breathing and the hand against my back was still and not moving. I mean... thinking about it now... for all I know, he could have been faking it too. I doubt it.

He got out of bed to get his phone when it rang and he told whoever was on the other line he'd meet them at 7pm and came back to bed. This time we spooned. Me on the outside. Bodies were flushed against each other as it was the first time and I'm just shy sometimes when it comes to things like this. Sex all for it. Spooning? Have no clue.

When his alarm went off, he took a quick shower and then put the glass he used in the sink. Thoughtful. I like! He played with the little dog for a few minutes while I played with the big dog. Cute, he knows that the dogs time is coming and I'm glad that he spent some time with her.

While changing the sheets I was thinking about earlier with D. It made me kind of giggle that Ive never faked it before.. I wonder if he noticed that I wasn't napping.

215 - boys night out

Last night, pool with my sister, roses and martinis. Also a gift certificate for $100.00 to a store that I cant recall. Hmmm Oh well. Guilt free spending? Count me in.

My sister and I think we need to drink more as were getting pretty good. Good by our standards. Meaning we can actually have a decent game that doesn't involve balls jumping off the table and hiding under tables. Yes Ive had to crawl underneath for one, my lovely and talented sister refused to do it. I know you're wondering if I wore panties that day...

I think were going to skip pool next week. Try something different but for sure return to it.

Its always a blast being out with her and just talking, being open and laughing about it all even if its not great news. There is always a silver lining and we help each other find it.

-------------------------------------------------------

Mid day today...

D - I have good new and bad news, which would you like first.

Darling - Ill take the bad news first...

D - OK well...

Darling - No wait, Ill take the good news first.

D - You sure?

Darling - Yes good then bad please.

I have no idea whats coming up but at least its good and bad not just bad. Though good-no bad would have been great. Oh well. I wait. I never know which is better to hear first good or bad. If you were given the option which would you choose and why? I think I was supposed to take the bad news first and then end it with good news. Though sometimes its not really great news its more condescending than anything. But I could be mistaken which is highly likely.

D - Ive gotten cornered by the guys and they want tonight to be a guys night.

Darling - Oh OK. That's fine

Of course its fine. Ive got girls nights where I don't have him around, so its only fair that he gets his nights. Though really I would like to go and do the Darling while I'm out with them. Hey what can I say? I'm a great addition to any party :)

Though on the other hand this would have been the first night that we see each other earlier than midnight. It would have been nice to have an actual 'night out' with him. But I'm OK with it. Its not the end of the world and Ill see him another day... I mean night.

D - You sure? I mean I feel bad but its just that I haven't had a night out with the boys since I moved here..

Darling - Its OK really.

D - I can come over after the game, meet you somewhere if you go out...

Darling - Sure give me a call and ill see where I am and if we can get together.

An hour later...

D - Hey are you busy?

Darling - I'm on the other line

D - Call me when you're free

30 min later...

Darling - Whats changed?

I know somethings has.. just a feeling.

D - Nothings changed...

Darling - OK... whats... new?

D - Well... I was thinking... I could come over to see you before I meet with the guys.

Darling - Hmmm I might have a few things to do but maybe we'll get there at the same time.

D - Ill be there around 5:30

It will be good to see him. I haven't seen him since Saturday night for drinks. More importantly I haven't had sex since last Thursday. Id really like to make you guys guess at what might happen tonight. But I don't think I can. I need to get things taken cared of and by that I mean I need to make sure that the tension is released. I'm off kilter and need to be straightened out and I think this will fix it.

If not... well then maybe a few more orgasms are needed. Ill keep you posted.

I'm in the mood to think and the topic is D and I. What is this? That's what Ill be thinking of and eventually the question... Do I want to have that conversation with him? The answer... Not if I don't know how to answer any of his questions or answer some that I may ask him. So in the end it turns out, there is no need to change. Keep things as they are.

Why do I like to freak myself out? Keep me on my toes and so on.. just like how certain things needs to be done every so often like defrosting your freezer. That's just good maintenance :)

That and I'm kind of sadistic.

For You

I don't even know you, yet there you are in my mind throughout the day. So far away yet you've already made an impression. I wonder if you'll open the door for me or hold out my chair at dinner. Will you hold my hand or wrap your arm around me. Will you miss me even as our eyes are locked on each other.

Do you wonder what I am thinking and if I am thinking of you. Do you smile at the small possibility that I am wondering the same thing about you. Do you shake your head sometimes at the amount of times your thoughts wander over something Ive said. You've made me lose concentration a few times during the day.

I imagine a different scenario of how things really are. A silly girls fantasy. A grown mans desires. I'm curious and that can get dangerous. You take me away from reality and pull me into this world that I want to be a part of. Why couldn't things have been different? Maybe it wouldn't be the same if things were different. Likely.

Where did this start and were you expecting it as I sure wasn't. I like it but I'm scared of it. If only you knew who I was...

214 - self defence

My sister and I were early for the self defence class that was scheduled for last night. We watched some hockey in different arenas and then walked into the room the class was being held and we in the way only we as sisters could create silliness. Made up a dance routine. Much like our synchronized swim routine we choreographed years ago.

Legs kicking, arms curving in the air, chests out and laughter that you couldn't resist joining. We laughed for a good solid 30 minutes. There was a wall of mirrors so that we could really work with it and on the opposite wall from the mirrors were windows to view one hockey arena. I talked her into doing the routing on front of the mirrors. What a hoot!

We did handstands cartwheels and all this with laughter. Mostly at memories of us doing that on the front lawn of the house when we were younger and cars honking at us.

Good times.

We sat for a bit and walked around a bit when we both got tired. All that laughing, dancing and having a great time really takes a lot out of you. We sat and talked about how great it would be to nap. When the self defence instructor arrived.

We were a bit bummed that he came at all because we were tired but happy that we would learn something, hopefully new. Which we did!

The giggles continued on to the warm up portion. Hes got the funniest work out and made us wiggle, twist and shake which made me not want to look at my sister for fear of bursting into wild laughter. She and I made sure not to have eye contact during warm up. It was for the best. Kind of reminded me of how things were when we went to Church years ago with the whole family. Giggle fits.

What we learned. Various way to strike, knees to the solar plexus, what I like to call a closed fisted backhand to the face. Side kicks and an elbow.. blow :) UFC like.

My own terminology here, so I apologize to my self defence instructor for butchering what they are actually called but If it does the trick then its all right.

We also did take downs, hip throws which my sister and I kept doing to each other throughout the class. Much fun and very effective in a dark and crowded dance flow to thwart off unwanted attention from men. Or if you just feel like taking down someone and jumping on top of them... this would be very effective.

We also learned how to regain control if someone somehow got us on our back, either pressing on our shoulders or if they have us in a choke hold.. either leaning over us from one side and the other was over us straddling our bodies. Very easy and effective methods. Of course if they have me in any of these situation in real life. I would hope that my brain thinks quick and recalls what to do.

After the class we went to a bar and watched the the first hockey game of the Stanley Cup finals. Ottawa VS Anaheim. Ottawa lost 2-3. My sister and I were still touched with the giggles and had a grand Ole time laughing away at people, places and things around us.

I'm sure people were wondering what we were laughing at certain parts of the game. When things weren't looking good for Ottawa. We were laughing at someone stumbling on the ice and falling. Mature? No not really. But a lot of fun. So much laughter that we had sore cheeks from the amount that we did laugh.

At the end of the game, we were both tired and exhausted. I got home and talked to D for a bit about our days and to share in anything interesting and exciting. At the same time I got things ready for a shower and ended up falling asleep instead.

I woke up about 30 minutes later and was kind of sad that I was alone. I called D and asked him if he wanted to come over after work. I told him we didn't have to have sex. I just wanted to be with someone for a while. (After the phone call I thought myself all sorts of silly. Who would jump at the chance to come over and lie with a most probably naked me..) He said he would love to but he had just finished working a d 17 hour day... We made plans for lunch the next day (now today) instead.

I could use a pick me up :)

I left the shower until the morning and more to come on the hard hat and high heels...

Other things.
Have my physical planned for this afternoon. Hmm stirrups.
Got results back from blood work.
Need to renew birth control pills from the dear Dr.
Had an unfortunate incident involving me, my car and a steel post.
(I'm OK... my pride? not so much)
Playing pool tonight with my sister and maybe other people.
Looking for a new cell phone. Super glue will no longer hold it together.
Today is the first day Ive worn panties in a week. Save on laundry! TMI?... sorry
Need to get in touch with soup
Might have a trip planned for TO with a friend in the next few weeks. We shall see.
Brothers BDay is coming this weekend.
Taking lots of pictures of the dogs
Aunts BDay is also coming up.. sometime after brothers BDay
Donating blood end of June.
Spending lots of time with the Little dog. Lots of attention/pampering.
The Big dog is a bit jealous.

213 - kind of..

Kind of put on the spot. Kind of uncomfortable. Kind of not liking the new girl here at work.

About 2 minutes from coming in to work. Not a 'Hello, how are you? Not a 'Good morning' I get a 'Darling you're going to have to take me out'

I'm thinking, 'No I don't' Out comes. 'Sorry I don't mix work and my social life together.' Im wondering at what happened as I knew it would one day come to this but didnt think it would happen today. I should have prepared!

That's just world colliding.

I don't know that anything wrong, horrible or bad will happen if I do mix the two together. But I don't do that. Ill go to going away, good luck on your new job dinners but I wont go out to 'hook up, pick up or go clubbing with you. I'm not your link to a happy sex life, a more fulfilling orgasm or a reason to leave your husband. So he pissed you off. The answer is not to ask me to introduce you to men so you can get your rocks off thinking that will solve anything.

That's not me. Go to a couples therapist.

I haven't gone to a club for 2 years now and that was after the Christmas party and I felt out of place. If I wanted to bump, grind and gyrate. I want to do it with people I know and want to rub bodies against. Music optional for me thanks. AHEM!

So I'm very uncomfortable today... well at the moment.

On the flip side. I feel bad for not wanting to hang out with her. But really. There are just some things that I don't want coworkers to know. Like, how short my skirts can get when I am not working, figuratively as... well before giving away too much... it basically comes down to me being a totally different person when I am not at work. Its me at work, but you should meet the me that isn't at work... not worse or better, just... different.

If I take her out then there will be her coming to my place to get ready, have drinks, and that's just never going to happen and sirens will blare and winds will blow. My head will explode. Just not happening. I'm a bit attached to my head.

To all coworkers that belong in this group...If I bump into you in the outside world, Ill acknowledge you and introduce you to a couple of people that I am with but I am not going to have a reminder of work tag along when I'm out painting the town any which color I want. There are things you never need to know about me and there are things that I want to be able to do without having you as a witness to remind me about it for as long as you find it amusing to bring up.

For all you men who piss off your wife. Just because a hot young woman hits on you and flirts with you doesn't mean that its better for you if you were to move on with this hot young woman and leave your wife. Don't spout off how you want to explore the world. We all know you want to explore said hot young womans body. ALSO don't be an idiot and flaunt the flirting in front of her. That's just amateur. Have some respect, if not for yourself then for the woman you've vowed to love and to hold til death do you part... and by the way she came in today... Id be careful. Shes maaaaad!

Sure it works for some people. Not everyone. Good luck to you if that's your plan. But really. I'm flipping you the bird. This is what you've given me today, an uncomfortable atmosphere because Its been decided without my communication, desire or consent, that I would be taking out your wife to meet men. (Not if I can help it)

I apologize. I know we get along at work and all but that doesn't mean that you and I can hang out. I know. Not very friendly of me... I'm not perfect as you can see.

Spank me.

212 - cool

The need for an air conditioning unit is high. I'm on the top floor of an apartment building with sun streaming in from sunrise until about 4pm. It doesn't cool until the sun goes down. If there is a breeze I hope its a cool breeze and not just shuffling around heavy humid air.

Last night I get a phone call letting me know that there is a sale on at Future Shop on one particular AC unit. I debate on whether I want to go and try to get my sister to come with me. She has plans already made and cant get out of it to come with me. That's OK, maybe Ill wait though I'm told that at the price they were advertising them at might mean that there wouldn't be any left when I do go to see them.

I get a call from my brother who has no plans and I ask if he wants to go with me and soon we off to get my first ever AC unit.

We see a few models and as I have no idea about ACs other than they make your house colder. I read the features on the boxes and at how they are 3 in 1s now, fan, dehumidifier and ac unit. Fancy. I'm looking at a portable unit as I'm against unsightly things sticking out of my window. Ranging from 250-499. I get a crash course on how much space a 5000 BTU unit would cool. A room apparently, that wouldn't be fit to do a whole apartment. Next one up I look at looks promising. 9000 BTUs, able to cool a bigger space, this one at 499$ The price is not appealing.

I look around and compare between models and sizes. One of the managers comes up to me and lets me know that he has available only for today, a sale on the last box of a 10000 BTU unit. I smiled and asked him what was wrong with it. He laughed and said that nothing was wrong with it. He told me about it. I asked questions about the unit, warranty, installation and other things.

I told him I didn't know anything about ACs and that I appreciate the time that hes spent with me. I told him I would discuss a few thing with my brother and would find him with a decision. I walked around a few minutes with my brother and did the pros and cons with him. More pros than cons. Big con was I wasn't doing any comparisons. I told him Id fix that and called 2 people who have some knowledge of ACs.

Both phone calls resulted in me purchasing the AC. I was grateful to have people to call and talk to about what I was about to do. Made it seem like I wasn't getting ripped off completely.

So I saved 200$. I was thinking, even if they were lying to me about it being on sale as it wasn't on the floor or anything. Just up on the rafters collecting dust. For the size of it and the amount of BTUs its still a good price. Other models that only had 9000BTUs were priced at 499$. This one seemed like a good deal to me even without talking to other people about it.

When I got home I had my brother set it up for me and I couldn't turn it on right away as I had to let the Freon settle. Once he had things arranged he took off and I spent some time getting things organized, nothing exciting. Though it was all done in the nude. If you find that kind of thing exciting :)

Where we had it made it stick out and look like an eyesore as it didn't match with anything that I owned. So I took it apart and moved it to the other corner where it wouldn't be such an eyesore. Heavy bugger. It made it and more importantly, I made it.

I turned it on and sweet cold air. If you're picturing it. I'm standing in front of the unit sans apparel and the air is blowing right at me, you guessed it.

D came over earlier than usual and he took a look at how I put everything together to make sure I didn't miss anything. I didn't. He didn't think it was an eyesore but he did say it didn't match anything I owned. I told him that he should have seen it before I moved it to where it currently is.

He showed me a couple of things about how it worked and then we went into my room and we both smiled because we knew what was coming ahead. A lot of kissing, licking and stroking were some of the things that were on the list.

Its still new and exciting. I wonder if the sex will ever get unexciting. I mean there are still things to try with each other. I think mid March or so is when we started to copiously couple. I think last night might be the first night hes been privy to seeing my hands on my breasts.

So, saying that, Its fun. I'm not in a rush to whip out my sexual resume in front of him to let him know what I have done but its fun to let things come naturally (pun intended) Even if its something as having my hands on my own body.

211 - money shot

Went out to my car which is parked right in front of the building. Its supposed to rain here, they are calling for a thunder storm. So I went out to roll my windows up, a little windy OK a lot windy.

I'm wearing a new purchase, turquoise blue skirt, gorgeous. Absolutely feminine and sexy. I'm beside my car, one foot down off of the sidewalk and lean in to the door handle when a gust of wind blows right up the back of my skirt and lifts it up into the air.

Picture not Miss Munroe. Picture miss Darling. White halter top, long flowing turquoise skirt in the air, legs apart, smooth legs and high heels.

I hear a whistle and a holler and I as I have a fist full of skirt in my hand tight around me so no wind can flash anyone. I turn and see a coworker walking up the walkway. Big smile on his face.

I look at him and I cant help but laugh at the situation.

Darling - I had to have you around to witness that didn't I?'

CW - That was the money shot! I love being at the right place and time.

Darling - Hope you have it committed to memory CW

CW - Trust me that will be what I see when I close my eyes from now on

Darling - Well I would hope so. That is, until the next money shot comes along and not from yours truly... isn't that right.

CW - You know me too well, all the guys are wondering what made you scream, they are going to be so jealous.

Windows are all rolled up and not one drop of rain has touched my car since the incident.

Great day not to be wearing any panties Darling.

210 - reason, season or a lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person or people involved; and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships, and areas of your life.

209 - The Baton Rouge

For dinner I had rainbow trout with steamed vegetables. Very well presented on the plate and very tasty. The trout had a great little zest to add to its natural flavor and the vegetables were a colorful decoration around the trout.

Great conversation and gales of laughter for hours during the meal. Its always disarming when people ask personal questions. He did and I answered, cautiously but openly. He deserved a reply and we spent a great evening together.

Now one of the highlights of the evening.

White chocolate cheesecake with raspberry sauce. Decadent. Rich and Sexy. Everything I like in a cheesecake. You probably thought I was going to say man instead of cheesecake didn't you? lol If it happens to come like that along with other requirements then bonus lol

I had this for desert at a restaurant called The Baton Rouge. For anyone that plans on coming to Ottawa at any point. Ill have to bring you there to taste this fabulous cheesecake. I think Ill have it to start! (Its that good)

Like an orgasm in my mouth. Now I know that's not the best way to describe it... but I'm sure you all know what I mean... NOT THAT... it was just very sweet, melt in your mouth goodness.

Just thinking about it makes my mouth water.

208 - Little one

Ive decided. Second weekend in June. Its strange that Ive decided. I'm not sure why that weekend. I know I cant do it the first weekend as that is my brothers birthday weekend. Hes away on a trip and I know that he would want to be there.

Why not this past weekend? The long weekend? Too soon. It'll be a family affair, we'll go together lend each other support. I don't want to cry in front of them. Maybe Ill save that for later or maybe cry with the little one at home. Tell her I'm sorry that I do love her, that I would keep her around but I'm not sure if she wants that.

How do I know whats for the best if I don't even know that for myself? how do I decide for another?

I just told my dad about when we are planning on doing it. Hes not happy knowing the end is near. She was his at the start. She adopted me when he moved. I always thought I should bring her there to be with him. He would have been happy with that. Hes just not happy all around that it has to come to this. None of us are happy. But it has to be done. (does it?)

I cant even tell whats on her mind. Is she in pain. Does she want to go? When does she want to go. Why do I have to decide and I tell myself that Ive had her and have witnessed the decline. Am I awful for not doing it sooner? Is it too soon?

I'm just questioning it all and I'm worried about how the other one will be afterwards. They weren't best friends nor were they enemies. They just lived together, shared toys, beds and water bowls.

How will the other be? I hope OK. I hope that I'm OK.

After that weekend no longer will I carry her down the hallway, down the elevator and place her on the grass in the park. No longer will I clap my hands to make a sharp sound to get her attention as her eyes are deteriorating. No longer will I need to walk back to her so she can see me from a foot away. No longer will I have to kneel by her and let her take in my scent when her hearing gets worse.

The coin spins in the air as I cant decide if its right/wrong, early/late, good/bad.

I have to put down the little one. Shes 18 years old. A bishon mix. Small, blond and cute. We've had her since she was a puppy and as much as I think it may just be another day that weekend. It'll hit me when I go home and shes not there.

Ill never find another like her. No one else will come close.

Ill remember...

• when you were a puppy you couldn't jump on the sidewalk, we had to pick you up until you could do it yourself.
• running away from the scene of the crime with you on my tail when I had no plastic bag
• you nipping that guys ankle when he put his hands on me at the park
• sleeping with you curled at my hip or feet. sometimes getting under the covers in the middle of the night. It kept me warm too
• playing hide and seek at the park, taking naps in the park
• how you still look like a puppy now
• that you hate it when I trim your nails, but have grown tolerant of it
• how you love to hang your head out of the window on road trips
• the clothes I made you wear, you were cute

I'm sorry for...

• yelling at you, and not paying attention to you when I was cranky
• making you wear reindeer ears at Xmas, it was cute!
• cutting it to the quick
• taking my frustrations out on you by ignoring you
• thinking that It would be better without you
• sneaking you a piece of chocolate when I shouldn't have
• having to make this decision

Thank you for...

• knowing when to nip ankles
• when to give kisses and comfort me
• where to go do your business
• always being there no matter what
• being a part of my life.
• being a smart and obedient dog without any training.
• keeping the other one company

You'll always be...

• my dog, no matter what my dad says :)
• the cutest no matter what the other one does

Little one.... I have to let you go, I'm sorry. I know one day ill see you again when its my turn to go. We'll all be together at some point. Until that time comes... thanks for being a part of my life.

To self... if you're crying now while you're writing a post... you'll be a mess come that day. Keep it together... keep it together.

Someone once said... You have to love them enough to let them go.

207 - limbo

I was with G and hes a sweet man. Very complimentary in regards to a lot of things about me. Such as how I look, smile, dress, how my skin feels and of course the piece de resistance... my personality.

Hes invited me to his place in the country about an hour and half away from me. It sounds quiet and relaxing. He has been in my place a few times and I'm OK with that. Me going to his place makes me a little bit nervous.

Though process goes as follows.

If I drive there Ill get lost. If I drive and find the place Ill have a car to leave whenever I want to. There is always the offer of him picking me up and driving me back, which takes away my mode of transportation out of there at my convenience. I'm not sure I can handle either staying awake or making conversation during the drive. If I don't accept will he think I'm rude? I don't want that. I just don't want to have him offer every time and have to come up with different things to say to decline. The line 'Yeah if I can rearrange things around my schedule Ill let you know' can only be used so many times before I sound like a record.

When hes over, its on my turf... if I may sound territorial and in control for a moment. I know where everything is and where everything is not. I'm comfortable I guess and maybe that's what he wants too? To feel comfy at his place with me there? I don't know.

Hes also mentioned how he enjoys visiting me and spending time with me. If he was able to visit more often he would, so he says. I sensed his sincerity which was sweet.

Now I think of availability and how I might be too available? Is that possible? I know it might sound weird. But I was wondering if someone can be too 'there/ready/willing and able to meet with someone.

Take for example D and I. Throughout the day there will be text messages sent. Phone calls during breaks, meals shared for lunch and so on. Then in the evening it continues. Until we see each other for a midnight rendezvous.

I don't know if its a good thing to be available. What ever happened to leaving them wanting more? coming back for more? Working for it and so on.

We went out one night which didn't end up in a tangled web of arms and legs. Though we were both thinking how fun it would be. Other things came up and we couldn't tangle ourselves together. So that night on my way home he calls and says 'I think its only fair that if I have to wait then so you do'. I asked what brought this on and he said he saw me on my cell phone as we parted and I guess he thought I was calling someone for a booty call. Really though I was calling my sister to find out what she was up to and if it was something I wanted to get involved in.

Meaning, I shouldn't end up tangled with anyone else until he and I see each other the next day which we had planned.

This thing with D is in limbo. I kind of want to know and have the conversation about what he thinks is going on here between us... but that will only backfire making me have to think about what all this is and have to talk about it. So Ive decided that Ill just leave it in limbo and just enjoy it as it is. Ive no idea if one day there will be no more contact such as it was with JB.

So instead of being confused Ive decided to be indifferent.. maybe thats not the right word. Ive decided to go with the flow and take things as they come. Thats what I am about the whole D situation.

K is a strange one. I think for me that the distance and the time that's gone by where we weren't in contact put things in perspective. I like him but the warm and fuzzies that I got at the start isn't there anymore. He really is getting married in England this August :)

I like his mind and hes a wealth of information and its nice to talk with him and yes we've fooled around. Ive also had deep conversations with him in spite of the situation, about reasons to why he or anyone would want to get married. He gave me a look that said 'are we really having this conversation' Which we did nonetheless. He also explained the difference between LCD, plasma and high def Tvs.

I know he would like to get together more often. Maybe because time flies and he is serious about enjoying my company and wants to soak in it until time comes where im the green grass? and hes no longer avaialable. I'm just not sure about something. I'm not sure what that something is but when I do Ill share. It could be that I don't want to be around him for fear of getting closer? Maybe I don't want to have a connection because one day he will just up and out of my life.

Sounds ominous. I guess its just a bummer that Ive met someone that I get along with on many levels and there is a possibility that I wont be able to spend time with them if only on a platonic level after he ties the knot.

I know sometimes I'm selfish.

207 - knows no geography

Darling 'I'm exhausted, its been a long day, how are you feeling?'

D ' Ive a pounding headache, took a Tylenol we'll see later how I feel'

Darling 'Are you still coming over?'

D 'I think you should go to bed and sleep. Ive got a headache and we'll both be rested for lunch tomorrow at your place'

Darling 'Are you saying no to sex?'

D 'No just changing the time it happens'

Darling 'Cheeky, but I like your idea.'

I crawl into bed with my tummy feeling a bit squeamish. Not sure what is happening to my body. Nothing happens. I think of what I had to eat that day and nothing out of the ordinary came to mind. Maybe it was just nerves? but about what? No idea.

I went back into bed and got cozy, drifted off to a sweet sleep and my phone rings. Private caller. Without thinking about it I flip the phone open and say hello.

G 'Hey how are you?'

Darling 'I'm doing well, thanks, how are you?'

G 'Doing well, I finally was able to call and I'm glad I got a hold of you;

Darling ' Who is this?'

G ' That's nice, you don't even remember me.'

Darling ' I'm sorry its about 1:00 in the morning here'

G 'Oh that's right I'm sorry, were you sleeping?'

Darling (thinking of what other things I would be doing if things were moved to lunch) 'Yes I was sleeping

G 'I'm sorry about waking you up, Ive been meaning to call and had the opportunity to do so and thought I would. Its been about a year since we last saw each other'

Darling 'OMG Brazil!! How Are youuuu?? It really has been a year. wow How is Brazil?

His name isn't Brazil. He just lives there now. He used to live in Ottawa and we were friends. Prior to him moving to Brazil he was starting to lean towards me in more than the friends area. Kind of a good thing that he moved but still a nice guy. This we talked about as well during the phone call and other things like the things we used to do together and to each other.

I'm still exhausted and kind of want to go back to sleep but its G from Brazil and I haven't seen him on about a year, so we continue and catch up and soon it turns to what I thought it would.

G 'So do you remember the last few times we got together? I still think about it and I get really turned on.'

Darling 'They were a lot of fun weren't they?'

G 'You don't understand how much I think about it and to think just as things were going so well and then I went and had to leave. I think about how things could have been if I stayed.
Darling '...I'm sure we would have had more fun...

He goes on down memory lane with some of the things we did enjoy together and I smile a the memories. They were pretty great. At this point I'm still exhausted but its good to catch up. He tries to have phone sex. Giving me visuals of what he would want to do to me, just how he knows my body reacts.

He talks about coming to visit me here or having me visit him there. He continues to talk about visiting me and how he might not want to return. That last bit was his little head talking :)

The suggestions he makes are things that I really do enjoy and somehow there is this one thing that hes done that totally does it for me and hes the only one that ever done that to me. (hoping that ill be able to experience it again)

So one thing leads to another and I have to look back on it now and wonder... long distance phone sex? What would make someone want to call overseas to a past lover... bring up experiences and expound on the possibilities of 'what ifs

This tells me one thing at least... libidos knows no geography :) Well that... and when something is worth remembering... its nice to see what people recall...

Artsy

.

..

...

I am held captive
I cannot escape
Something calls to me sweetly

What is it?
Where is it?

I do not know
Like a flame
It mesmerizes

Can I one day hold it?
Can I bathe in its essence?

Or will it leave me
waiting, wanting
wondering, wishing

...

..

.

206 - Choose Darlings Adventure

Its that time again. Choose Darlings Adventure.

The following options are possibilities of the highlights/low lights of the long weekend. In no particular order...

FRIDAY

Option A
Was it spent watching movies, fruity drink at hand while at the same time cooking a feast, doing laundry and making plans for the next week with those in the soup

Option B
Was it spent practicing how to dance provocatively for future audiences of one or more. Pole imagined and considered as an extravagant purchase of the sometime in the future.

Option C
Was it spent in a hot bubbly bath followed by a pampering of self by self and then snuggling into bed wrapped in warmth to catch up on much needed rest and relaxation.

Saturday

Option A
Was it spent lazing around topless at the local beach volleyball venue. Lazing around as in napping, listening to music with the occasional flip to my stomach even out the sun exposure

Option B
Was it spent purchasing shoes, dresses, skirts and unmentionables with a lovely and talented relative. Also known as Darlings little sister.

Option C
Was it spent moving boxes from one storage room to another in hopes of freeing up space in a much needed area. All the while rushing to get to the grocery store to fill empty kitchen cupboards.

Sunday

Option A
Was it spent doing groceries, napping, cleaning out the fridge and other unexciting things.

Option B
Was it spent not regretting the night before celebrations of a long night of practicing to be perfect in many different clandestine ways with a man of mystery

Option C
Was it spent at another dark place where women seduce with their bodies, where drinks continue to arrive without a word, where men are tempted and fall to their knees with want for the possibility of...

Monday

Option A
Was it spent spending making brunch with one man to fuel bodies for an afternoon delight.

Option B
Was it spent sleeping in, in the morning, and walking around in newly acquired shoes and dress while making arrangements with someone to come and visit for a much needed romp that the living room hasn't seen in a while.

Option C
Was is spent being surprised with an early evening out of town visitor for a couple of hours of very selfish oral pleasure that which I was the beneficiary.

:) Now to find out what you all thought I was up to :)

----------------------------

My goodness this post took me all day to write. Work really gets in the way!

205 - celebration

In celebration of the my one year blogging. I treated myself to an an afternoon delight, a quick bite to eat and a long island iced tea to wash it down.

D didn't need a reason to meet with me. I haven't told him about the blog nor do I think will he ever know about it. I thought it was interesting that I celebrate in this fashion. Again I took an extended lunch. Yes I was late returning :) You cant rush an orgasm... well.. thats another post I think.

In the car driving back to work I felt warm. The sun was out when it wasn't when I left work for my afternoon delight, in fact it was a little chilly with the wind. I looked at the mirror and noticed that my face was flushed, continuing the scrutiny I noticed the tell tale signs of a flush on my neck and chest. Oh dear me, I cant very well change into another outfit as that would surely give me away.

On my walk from the parking lot to the building I felt a lot warmer. Post coital glow. I wonder if people will think Ive gone tanning for lunch? I wonder if they will be able to tell that I just had a noontime rendezvous of the orgasmic kind.

As soon as I walk into the office. I hear 'Did you just have a quickie?' My mouth agape and my eyes open wide. I laugh and say 'yes I did'.

Either deny deny deny OR tell the truth. You'll keep them guessing :) They all laughed and asked hat I had for lunch. Chicken.

Sitting at my desk my phone chimes informing me of a text. 'In case you're wondering I'm available for lunch anytime'

I chuckle, wonder and text back' if its actual lunch or each other for lunch.'

'Either/or better if both, I'm easy'

I agreed mentally, he is easy :)

---------------------------------

Update on K Will possibly be seeing him sometime this weekend.

M called asking me if i could get together with him tomorrow sometimes. I said no. More retail therapy with my sister and possibly a new hair cut/do/style... undecided on that

Haven't heard from S and that's OK. When I'm not expecting it Ill hear from him.

---------------------------------

Have a safe and happy long weekend to any and all Canadian readers!! :)

One Year

I shake my head in disbelief but the proof is there. Ive been blogging for about a year. Time flies. What have I done with my life? Anything exciting? Any progress onward and upward? What scale do I use?

When I started blogging, which feels like yesterday ... OK last week :) I wanted to use it as a diary... another form. I found my my updates in my own diary/ journal great to use but I guess maybe at the time it felt like so much was going on that I couldn't update enough or fast enough. OK Both of those.

So I decided to go online and share it all. For those who were interested and stopped in Thank you. Its nice to be able to share. I think I would have continued had no one been around to follow the goings on of my life.

Sometimes its been kind of blah and boring other times a bit more interesting. There are a lot of posts that don't make it out here for one reason or another. Some just seem silly, others seem too revealing. I'm open but I'm scared sometimes. A girl has to have some things that only she knows about :)

Anyway. I wanted to come up with a fabulous post about having an anniversary yet I think Ill keep it short and sweet.

Happy Blogging :)

204 - matching set A

Darling - Where are we going?

Date - Its a surprise

Inside the club, there is a stage. Inside the club there are tables and people sitting around them. Inside the club there are men and women. All different ages, races and backgrounds I could only imagine.

I walk closely behind him and try to look like it isn't my first time. I try not to fidget in my clothes. I look people straight in the eyes as I walk by and see that its not so bad. Not so different. Its like walking by people on the street. Strangers. Who I may never see again.

We gather with another couple and navigate our way through the crowd and manage to get a table. I wonder at my clothes. Why did I decide to wear this? I feel out of place. I sit and see that someone, a stranger is looking at me and what I am wearing. I turn away. I wonder if he knows what I'm wearing underneath.

A round has been ordered for us and in front of me is a tall glass . I can barely taste the alcohol yet continue to sip on the straw. Music is blaring all around us and I make small talk with the other girl who looks like shes been to a place like this before.

I wonder at my inexperience. There is a passing thought that I must be a prude. A song that I recognize comes on that makes me smile. Its new called 'Last Night'. I look up on stage and there is this tanned dancer with breasts that are covered with a baby blue bra and pantie set. White boots with large buckles on the side.

I lean in and whisper in his ear, I think I have that same set but in pink. His hand on my knee squeezes and he whispers back telling me that he'd like me to model it for him some time and nibbles on my ear a little before we both look at the dancers body swaying left to right.

TBC

203 - blogs

I did it again. I found this blog and read every single post this person put up. Thank goodness they started their blog only in Jan of 2007. Otherwise I might have spent more than a day or two on their site.

So this person who wrote this blog. Lives in my town. HA! Imagine that. I'm not the only one from Ottawa blogging. Well I knew that as my brother blogs as well. No don't ask me what he blogs about Id rather not find out about who he is seeing and what they do behind closed doors. Oh wait that's why I don't want him to know about mine. AHEM

But really... Its neat to find another blogger in the same city. I feel somewhat stalker-like. I know about him but he doesn't know about me. Its like a bad B movie in the making, which will only end up with me shrugging my shoulders and saying 'oh well'.

For all you lurkers if I have any :) Hello, how are you?

The thing is. Like the blogs that I do come across like yours if you have one that I might have read and commented on. There's something about it that I like. The way you write and share. Its entertaining and it satisfies me in a way that I cant totally explain. OK I am a nosy person and love that there is a window into your mind and life that you share and allow me to peek on once in a while.

I have no idea if Ill ever comment on his blog for a couple of reasons.

Im shy :)

If I comment on his blog he'll be able to see mine. I know I can post anonymously and as much as I don't mind getting those comments. Other people might not like it and I don't think I have anything to hide (at this point) so I think I would prefer to comment with me backing myself up 100% (don't let that hold you back from commenting anon OK?)

NOTE: this might not make sense but its my thought process. Welcome to strangeness.. and somehow it all works for me.

Another reason I don't want to comment? Because Ill want to meet him. Just to meet him. No strings. No expectations. I'm probably getting ahead of myself as I am even doubting what to talk to him about. I can just picture me in front of some guy with a blank look and nothing in my head to talk about. Well.. nothing of substance to talk about anyway. There is always something to talk about.

So maybe Ill scratch that for now.

Maybe Ill just lurk around his blog for a while which I have been doing. Much like yours if you have one (blush) I'm shy! What can I say? Its a work in progress you see.

Well. This will be a learning process for me. Who knows how things will turn out. Its kind of dorky for me to be blogging about another blogger that you have no idea about. Nor does this said blogger know that I'm talking about him. What else is a girl to do at work?

JK Ive got plenty of work to do... in case anyone from work is reading this. :) busy busy busy!

OH.... I can picture it can you...

Darling writes a note... ' I like you, do you like me' (in essence)

Blogger replies ' WTF are you?'

Through the weirdness of this post. I'm laughing in the end :)

Personal question to self and a question my sister has often asked me. HOW OLD ARE YOU!?

202 - racks

In a post coital conversation with D last night. We've determined that the more sex we have the more we want it. In general of course. I didn't want to scare him off with my libidinous nature that seems to have cropped up from somewhere. Though I think he has an inkling about this certain nature of mine and quite likes it.

As I do, I dissect.

I will now sound like a loony when I talk about whether hes just in it for sex for him or sex for me. I know that he climaxes, that's pretty evident. I wonder if he can climax twice or thrice. I wonder if its just about getting off for him. He also enjoys making sure that I climax. We've had the conversation of 'its all about pleasure and if there is something I'm not doing right tell me and if there is anything that you want to try let me know' (his words... I echoed it though I wanted to add that's its more than pleasure. Its also about growing learning and experimenting and of course connecting) .. though that sounds like I want a relationship.

I'm thinking this as if it was in fact just a friends with benefits kind of arrangement then the texts and phone calls throughout the day is unnecessary. That the reason people call someone is because of interest. If there were no interest then there would be no reason to call.

*Darling pulls out a rose and slowly peels petals off one by one. Hes interested.. hes not interested.. hes interested... hes not interested. I have 3 roses from last night. Much petal to peel.

I'm so not a dater. I don't know the rules if there are any if I'm doing something I'm not supposed to and what not. At some point I will ask him what we are just to clarify things and find out that's its not what I was thinking and Ill end up with a stiletto clad foot in my mouth. I just do what I can, go out with who I want to see, when I can fit it in my schedule.

You only live once. Go for it.

Early evening as I am getting ready for B to arrive when D calls and I'm a Little nervous. I'm not sure why but I have a feeling its to do with me seeing B in less that 15 minutes and knowing that Ill be with D later on. I'm pretty open and very honest and so I find myself keeping to that and after telling him that I was seeing someone that same night. There was an obvious shift in tone and conversation.

I'm not sure what I expected. Probably that. The worse thing that could have happened was that he say hes not cool with that and that he never wants to hear from me again. That didn't happen. Instead he said that he wasn't into that. (Think sloppy seconds) I assured him that there has never been a time that I was sloppy and for his information and if it makes him feel better. There was no sex planned with B.

Still the tone was different and I was kind of sad and disappointed. How was I supposed to react? Hes not my boyfriend. Its just sex and friendship. Hes known that I go on dates and I go out with other people. Who knows what all that's about

Confession...I know this post doesn't make me look good. I'm not sure if I am doing myself any favors by being so open about things. Its just, well, its my life. I'm not sure if I'm living it 100% or not but I am aware of whats happening it in and make the most of it. Its an experience and I'm an experience junky.

So D says he might not want to come over as planned. WTF?! I don't understand men. I thought I did, but something happens that makes me think that I know less than I thought I did. D told me once. Men are pigs, men wont say no to sex. Hmmmm did he just say no to sex? Methinks he did.

Pool with my sister and TGirl. Placed in the middle. Surrounded by other tables who conveniently were taken up by... you guessed it , those of the opposite sex. What a night to wear a dress with no panties. You can bet those shots that needed one leg lifted along the table didn't all go in because

A. I didn't bother trying?
B. I'm just that bad a pool player.
C. The breeze gave me a chill at the most inopportune time.

I lost count of how many times we racked the balls. Now TGirl and my sister thought it was being done on purpose so that I would flirt with the boys around us. What was being done on purpose? Balls flying off the table only to roll to someone of the opposite sex. This hindered the game much and after the fourth time it happened, the guy who picked up my ball mentioned that I must be doing it on purpose. He suggested that he give me lessons and I walked away saying that the last offer I had was better and that he should come up with something better.

Learned a lot about TGirl and here's a conversation with TGirl after a few Martinis :)

TGirl to my sister Is she wearing a bra tonight?

Sister She has all the boobs in the family, ask her

TGirl (across the pool table) Darling are you wearing a bra?

Darling (blush) No, why?

TGirl Really? They look good, how do they stay so perky?

Sister Exercises

TGirl Show me

Sister does a quick demo

I laugh as Ive hardly done those exercises though I should. They will help preserve the 'perkiness'

Meanwhile there are a couple of tables that have stopped playing and have been following the conversation. Lovely. Now we have a bigger audience.

Close to midnight we head out and I'm dropped off at my place, more than nicely buzzed I take the dogs out for a walk and call my sister to let her know her keys were in my purse. They return and TGirl sees both dogs for the first time. We plan on going out again another time.

I dial up D and let him know that I am home and that he doesn't have to pick me up anymore. I ask him if hes planning on coming over and he says yes. I ask if hes been thinking about it all night. He says yes. I'm not sure which I was I was asking about, Whether he was thinking of me and B and what we might have done or if hes been thinking about what will happen when HE comes over. He says yes Ive been thinking about seeing you all night. What a charmer.

When he arrives, as usual its a flurry of activity. Bodies twisting and bending for self and mutual satisfaction. Fingers stroke and caress together and on their own. Breathless whispers at the nape of my neck and my moans are heard. Skin slapping against each other is felt and heard. A quick flip and were wrapped in each others arms holding on tight until we find a rhythm that brings about orgasms.

Men really cant say no to sex... Could you? Would you?

201 - bed

I have a bed. I forgot to tell you. Its 2 parts box spring and one part mattress and it comes up about mid thigh to me. If I want to sit on my bed. I have to hop on. Its fabulous. Ive already had a near fall off the side of the bed one morning. Now I sleep in the middle of the bed and really spread myself out.

Ive been sleeping in my bedroom since the bed arrived and its been different. Good different. I miss sleeping in the living room in that there is so much light and obviously more room there. But the bedroom is more private.

There is the issue of the second bedroom that remains empty. I'm contemplating getting a roommate but someone that's never there and pays rent. I think Ill pass, those kinds of roomies are hard to find I hear. I'm undecided on whether to make it a spare room, office or a mini gym. Maybe Ill put a bed, dresser, desk and a treadmill in there to satisfy it all. Maybe. For now though, it remains an empty room with only a lamp to light it.

I still have nothing hanging on the walls though there are a few things to be hung. I'm in no rush and quite like the simpleness of it all. White walls that I was thinking of painting. Maybe Ill choose to paint one wall to accent the space. There is a fleeting moment of 'wouldn't it be nice if I had someone to choose paint colors with and to share the painting with'. As quick as it comes its out of my head. With only this post as evidence of its existence.

Brand new bedsheets, pillowcases coupled with my smooth, freshly scrubbed self makes for sweet dreams :) Now for a warm body beside me... maybe in my dreams....

200 - recharge

D has a surprise for me. Had things gone like they should have I would have been able to tell you what that surprise is. Things didn't work out for this past weekend. So, out there somewhere is a surprise for me, just waiting for me :) weeeeeee

Have I told you that I love surprises? Well there you have it I just did. Its so much fun to try to figure out what it is. I have no idea what it could be. None at all. A book? Lingerie? Coasters? Shoes?? As much as I tell him to tell me what it is, he knows its all part of the build up and anticipation that drives me to distraction when someone says they have a surprise for me.

So needless to say, he hasn't even given me a hint. What a tease.

I think Ill be seeing him this Thursday ok maybe Wed night? I'm not 100% positive. We'll see.

Last night was a lot of fun. It went from me wanting to go out, to trying to find people to go out with that I hadn't seen in a while. This includes girlfriends and people that I used to work with. I didn't have much luck there and was contemplating ordering something from the soup menu. I went home and took the dogs on their walk and after laying around the park napping and playing with them things came together.

My brother came by to walk the dogs for me and seeing I was out at the park came over to join the game of fetch with the dogs. I got a call from my sister and TADA plans were made. Her and her boyfriend were coming to watch the hockey game somewhere to eat laugh and be merry.

Lots of laughing, eating and drinking was had by all. Loud and sometimes too loud, we had a blast. Got home late and talked to D on the phone for a while. Tried to figure out what the surprise was and after not getting anywhere with that we talked about how men and women were different. Actually it was more how we were somewhat alike but I try to deny it as much as possible which he laughs at.

B is coming over tonight. Were having drinks and listening to some music that he thinks Id like. I told him I had other plans for later that evening and hes OK with coming over for a little while until I have to leave. Great but that cuts into my getting ready time which I enjoy.

So I might have to be a bit more creative with my time later today.

I'm meeting my sister and one of our girlfriends and were playing pool. I'm sure this will bring about much laughter as it usually does no matter what my sister and I are doing. Much fun I can tell you. The drinks will flow, pool cues will be aligned and balls will be pocketed.

I haven't talked to K. I think Ill send him a text sometime this week to touch base with him and see if he is OK.

G sent me an email.

'mind, imagination wandering to forbidden places
thinking of your small hands
and how sexy you look when...'

Such a sweet man. I enjoy his emails. Great reminders and always makes me smile.

So update on M. Kind of a cad. Very sneaky, wants more than he bargained for and just an overall sneaky person. Ill see him again. Not because anything will happen, but because I get to expose myself to his kind and get tough if you will. Its not often that I get to be around people who are sneaky and obvious. But I could be wrong and might have just been off in regards to the vibes I was getting? We shall see.

I saw him on Saturday and that was a bit of an event, brand new to me which was interesting. Maybe that's why I thought things were a bit off, because it was new to me. He called me Sunday night to see if we could get together again and I told him it was a bit last minute and I wasn't able to meet with him. Plus I needed to recharge my batteries :)

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction 1C

Someone walks by the bed and runs their fingers through my hair with laughter in their his voice. He says ' Only you would bring a crowd in just to watch'. That makes me laugh and I stop short because of the other people laughing. I turn to look around and there are people standing and sitting on and around the bed. I bury my face in Jason's neck. I tell him to 'take me away' and he laughs at that.

We all go out in the living room all in different states of dress or in this case undress. We talk and share stories and funny tales. I get a tap under the table on my knee and I look at Jake the tapper and he tilts his head to the side and I get up and walk towards the room he indicated with his head tilt.

We stand in front of each other and smile. Softly I say 'I'm looking forward to this' and he smiles and says 'that he likes what I am wearing'. I start to unbutton it and he moves my hands away and says that he wants to do it. I let him do it and once we've both been removed of our clothes we kiss. I lean up to him and he bends his head down to meet me. He kisses down to my neck and feels the goosebumps over my body. He moves so his body is behind me and his hands snake their way down in between my legs and teases me.

I reach behind me and stroke him. He lets out a deep breath and tells me to 'take it easy on him'. I smile and let out a gentle chuckle. He slips his fingers inside me and I inhale sharply. The spot, hes hit the spot. His fingers move inside me and over and over on the spot I open my legs a little bit more and tell him that it feels good. He pulls me to him and sits on the bed making me follow him. My legs spread with his knees which hold my legs open as his fingers make me arch my back and urge him on. He knows how much I like it and all of a sudden he slips out from underneath me and is facing me still attached to me.

He says 'this will feel even better' I lift my knees and leave my ankles right on the edge of the bed. Our mouths in a deep sensual kiss. Tongues dancing, teasing and hungry. I push myself up on the bed and he follows me. I take his hand and hold him still for a moment. He looks into my eyes with a question and I answer with 'lay down' He lays himself down against the headboard and I position myself in between his legs and take him into my mouth and feel him lift his hips off of the bed and hear him let out an 'ohhhh' I continue to play and try new things with my tongue and my fingers.

I feel him take control every so often and thrust quickly in my mouth and when that happens I tighten my lips around him and have my tongue move left to right as he moves in and out. His hands in my hair is fisted and he pulls me up and kisses me hard. His hands move down and rests on my hips. I feel him try to find his way in I remain still above him just out of his reach, I smile into his mouth and push his hips down and I rub myself over his length. Back and forth until he cups my breasts in his hands and tells me that he loves how full they are and he cant get enough of them. At that he takes a nipple into his mouth and rubs the other with his thumb, back and forth making them hard.

I angle my hips properly and feel him slip inside me. His tongue stops and his fingers stop and I slowly lower myself onto him inch by inch. Once I have him in to the hilt I swing my hips around in a circle and that makes us both moan softly. I push off of him and just as I am almost free of him. He slams up hard and fast making my whole body bounce. His hips are completely off the floor and hes making me hold onto the headboard tight. I keep my body tight for him as he pushes me to a point where I wrap my hand around his head, holding him to my breast and tell him to continue as he is. He complies with that and he slows it down for me murmuring into my breasts that 'he wants to make it last'

I sit up on top of him and gently move back and forth. He Leans up to meet me and kisses my lips, my neckand my throat. He pushes me on my back and slips out of me letting me straighten my legs. He slips fingers inside of me and now its my turn to lift my hips off of the bed with what he is doing to me. One after the other my body shudders with wave after wave of bliss. I cry out words that I cant recall. I see people around me and cant remember details of what they were doing. I see Lacy come join us on the bed with Dave behind her. They exchange words and hands are everywhere again. Whose I do not know.

Jake doesn't stop, he continues being with me throughout this great sensual ride. I press his hand still and say 'easy' He slows down and kisses me gently. He tells me I should move to an Amazon where I belong. I laugh and give him a peck on the cheek. He asks if we could share a waterfall. I smile and agree. We walk out leaving everyone else to continue without us.

We step under our waterfall and he watches the water rain down on me. Over me and he slips his fingers inside me again and I smile thinking 'I have to find out how he does it' As his fingers are inside me I glove him, stroking him at the same speed his fingers move in and out of me. I bend my knees forcing him to slip out of me and I take him in my mouth. I look up the line of his body and see him looking down on me. His hands fisted in my wet hair, I take him fully into my mouth and squeeze. My tongue moves side to side as I move over him.

There are things falling around us and we don't take any notice. We are focused. Once his groans come faster and faster. I moan around him encouraging him. He pulls back and strokes himself in front of me and I smile. I look up at him and tell him that 'he looks hot' I arch back and feel the water run over my shoulders and he watches the water gliding in between my legs and he strokes himself faster as I run my fingernails down the back of his thighs he spends himself over my breasts. I take him in my mouth and rub my tongue over him softly hearing his gasp and feel his body jerk.

We dry each other off and we talk about how much fun it was to see each other again and that I should come over to his place some time. I smile and in walks Lacy, wondering what we were up to. We talk as we dry off and I walk out and and get snagged by Robbie towards an empty bed. I ask him what he has on his mind and he says 'more'.

He kisses my nipples and moves his way down my stomach, down my legs and to my knees. He pushes his face in between my knees and kisses the inside of my legs working himself up. He breathes hot air over my center and licks me slowly. I open my legs wide for him and he spreads me open and moves his tongue over me in every which way. He tastes me and I enjoy it all. He slips in a finger and feels inside me, feel show tight I am around him and how wet.

He pulls away and we move so I am sitting on top of him and he is inside me and right away makes me tense around him as his hips flex up. Touching me right where I like to be touched deep inside. I inhale a sharp breath and tell him not to move. I rock my body over him quickly. My breasts bouncing up and down in front of him. I tell him to hurry. He stills my hips with his hands and lifts me up a little of for him and slams back up into me. I hear the slapping of our touch and over and over I can also hear bits and pieces of conversation. I hear 'shes still at it with Robbie' 'They haven't stopped' 'shes so much fun'.

I rock myself harder onto him and grind down and feel myself rise to the place where I can fly. I take over the movements and find my way to the edge. I quickly get there to soar over it and feel my body shudder with satisfaction. Robbie is watching me fly and I look down at him somewhat embarrassed. He knows what I am thinking and says that he was 'glad to be a part of that'.

I roll off of him and stretch my body like a cat. A full body stretch. I lean my head on the pillow and close my eyes. Thinking of why someone would want to spank me...

199 - wondering

I wonder if those thrown in the soup mind that they are in my blog. I feel a little unfair when I blog about them as its not nice to talk about people behind their back. Though I have no issues when writing about them and the things that come with them in my diary. Which... this is a form of.

I also wonder about the men that I don't include in the soup. I hope they aren't insulted that I don't write about them. In time... in time. Ill have to think about the reasons for not writing about them might be more personal?

I also wonder if anyone of them have a blog of their own and if I have made it in there somehow. I wonder if my sister has a blog for that matter. I know my brother has one which I have never been on to see. Aside from me and you, no one else knows that I blog. OH wait... that male coworker I wrote about previously. Hopefully he has smoked that memory away :)

I was talking to D and we somehow got to talking abut what guys share with each other. A lot, apparently about their sexual escapades with women... UNLESS its a special woman. Then they don't want to share because of this reason and that. So if it was with someone that wasn't special or someone temporary as in a one or or two night stand then its a story to tell the guys.

Its things like this that my mind decides to pick apart for a while. I guess what it all boils down to is I wonder if they think of me when we aren't together. Though there is no guarantee that they are thinking of me when we are in fact together.

I'm in a mood to hear what they have to say about me as I'm a sucker for constructive criticism. There is always room for improvement I guess.

-------------------------------------------------------

Adding to the soup is M, still in the waaaaaaaay early stages of anything. I'm seeing him this Saturday early afternoon. First time meeting. Spoken on the phone exactly, twice. Second phone call was to make sure I was ok with meeting on Saturday. Considerate. Now usually I don't rush into meeting anyone so soon and only after one conversation, but I was feeling daring and a bit out of sorts and wanted something to happen. So I made something happen.

Seems simple. Nothing happening? Make something happen. TADA

We talked for about 30-45 minutes and I find out hes in his early 30's, lives with a roommate in the west end. Works evenings mostly and has dark hair, brown eyes. He is also 5'9 feet tall. He has 2 dogs and we have one breed in common. He is a car guy and drives a Jeep or a Camaro, depending on the weather/season. He does not work out at the same gym that I go to nor does he own a jacket with the logo on it, however he does have a dryfit shirt with the logo on it. He has an older sister who went to the same HS as I did. I don't know her as she is about 10 years older than I am. He was born in Ottawa and has a bit of an accent... french, which he isn't and speaks a little of. Go figure. Seems normal so far but then again maybe I didn't give him enough time to turn into a toad.

No idea what will happen. A massage was brief topic discussed...

198 - always meet

Now I know this will go against the last post I just wrote. Before meeting people/men I usually try to have repeated contact via phone, texts and emails or a variety/combinations of all of them to get a feel for someone, be able to feel comfortable with them and have them feel.. comfortable? This is if the method of meeting was face to face. (Its been known that I don't follow anything that I mention below.. lately OK in the past as well)

That's just a way to make sure...

1. They aren't flakes, weirdos or anything that I wouldn't want to spend time with.
2. That there is some form of interest on both ends as contact is a must when trying to feel the other person out.
3. Certain things are out in the open like what were both looking for or not looking for.
4. There is a want to know more about the person.
5. They are independent and employed and not wasting their life away. etc...

Sometimes this takes some time. Some longer than others depending on the interest that is generated between both parties. Lately though? I find myself taking less and less time doing the above.. taking my time that is. Why? I'm not quite sure.

I think Ive cut the length of time because...

1. I don't want to waste time, theirs... and more importantly my own
2. The investment of time and the things my mind can do in that time is amazing and highly inappropriate which leads to expectations with leads to letdowns and unwanted self evaluations
3. Its also difficult to become someones imagined version of me that they have conjured in their minds. Its me...all the good things ME, just maybe not the physical shell of me that they want.
4. I cant think of anything else but if I do Ill add them.

So lately Ive cut the pre meeting conversations shorter and have gone into planning a meet and greet with these men.

I don't know if I do it because...

1. I want them to know what I look like before there is any sort of unrealistic version of me that can be fabricated in their minds.
2. I have nothing else to do some days or nights other than go out with them
3. I'm looking for someone to add to my circle of friends.

Maybe I am too picky? Maybe its not that I wasn't TBL enough for JB. Or Kinky enough for R. Or girl next door enough for XYZ. Maybe, maybe not. There are some things I have control over and other things I don't. I cant control what people like but I can control... certainly something.

SO back to the point of the post. I'm just meeting more people sooner that I usually do. There really is no real time frame that I stick to. Its more of an internal thing. When something in me is satisfied knowing that neither of us will run screaming in opposite directions. That's when its OK to meet them in person. Now that's not the only reason but one of them.

Another reason is that everything seems to be falling into place such as it was with JB. It all went well. And the one thing that I couldn't control was the one thing that didn't allow for anything to happen. Him and his expectations.

Oh well. Sometimes its hard to compete with someones imagination. I'm sure we've all been in those shoes. Maybe not patent leather stilettos. But you have other shoes to fill.

Well, so far its a nice post I think. Well thought out, informative if a bit personal in sharing what my thought process is like. I just happened to forget the point of it. Blast!

Does that happen to anyone else? Please tell me it does... losing the point that is :)

Ok I remembered it finally... M, the reason for this post, decided to meet with him after a short phone conversation. Not my usual thing to do as I want to do and find out all sorts of things about them before I do that.

I find I'm too open sometimes with people. Take for instance D who knows things about me that not many people do. Only after about 3 weeks or so? When did I meet D? EEK I'm supposed to remember these things right??

So point is. I'm a bit wary that Ill spill the news with M about a whole bunch of things that do not need to be shared a this point. Someone help me censor myself.

Maybe its more of me just wanting it all to be there in the open so there is nothing hidden? Maybe?

So as much as I know sometimes its best left to my imagination, there will always be a strong pull for me to want to meet them in person. 99.9 % of the time I will if I am able to. It just brings me down when after things initially go so well and they end up in the wood chipper for some reason.

In the end, Ill meet them and find out for myself whats happening. If not, then I wouldn't be putting myself out there on the playing field called life.

197 - never meet

There are some people that I think I should never meet. As much as I love socializing, there are some people that I should just not meet... in person. No matter how tempted I am to meet them or vice versa.

For example.

RB, a client (former client not because of anything to do with me... just to clarify) We had a few exchanges, if a bit flirty. Basically me trying to steer clear of him (Im shy) as his voice had that melt my panties quality that's so appealing, not literally of course as that would just land me in a hospital. So RB with hot voice (to me) was this dreamy man who didn't really have a look or any features as they would all be something that I liked. He just would be this man with a voice that would make me be a slave to pleasurable whims.

Some people should remain a voice on the phone. To be used as fodder for fantasies. In person, RB's voice was there, the look or features that I liked were unrecognizable and actually not even close to being... near the surface.

So all fantasies including RB and his voice... Into the wood chipper.

Another more recent example would be JB. No, not related to RB. More time was spent feeding the fantasy with JB. More calls to each other, not only was the voice appealing, I was able to check out the look. Via an exchange of likenesses. Tall, blond and in shape. Not someone I would go for but there was.. something there. He who, not surprisingly was looking for someone tall, blond and leggy with perfect tatas.

Knowing all that the voice still did it for me. Melted my panties though secretly as I would never tell someone that in those exact same words. Perhaps, 'you've got a nice voice, I hope that's not the only thing that's nice...' Of course the expected laugh was forthcoming.

Ive determined that it might have been great to never have met JB... in person that is. Meeting him over the phone was fantastic. Continued to have it that way, simply divine. It was great and then we met. Which killed it. Ive no doubt about it. He might have been holding out hope that I was lying when I told him that I wasnt tall, blond and leggy.

I wasn't thinking future anything with him as far as emotional investment goes. I was uber excited about meeting someone that was a lot of fun to talk to and if things worked out, hang out and just be friends. I'm not sure what was going on in his mind but its obvious with the lack of contact on his end that he doesn't want to pursue anything even if it would have just been adding someone new to his circle of friends.

C'est la vie!

Ill have to admit at feeling a bit bummed about it for a few moments as I realize that as opposite as I am from tall, blond and leggy. Not everyone is looking for TBL. Along those lines... whatever ideas he might have of what being TBL brings. Maybe if they looked hard enough, they would see what they are looking for lies just beneath the surface. OR it could just be that's just the shell he wants.

If I were TBL, you can be certain there would be more posts on JB. As I am not, I would conclude that there may be future posts including JB, just not the salacious kind I was hoping for. Instead it will be more of a 'looking back' type of post. (however I could be wrong) But he still goes into the wood chipper.

In any case. I'm a bit bummed that that spark has gone and that Princess Lulu wont get to spend more time with her Prince Charming... even if t is by phone.

Lesson learned? Voices can be deceiving and people want what people want.

NOTE/CONFESSION: Its strange that certain things will make me feel self conscious about the way I look and others don't. Sometimes when someone doesn't say anything it speaks volumes... or sometimes it doesn't mean anything at all. Funny how the mind works.

I can be naked with someone and not feel the urge to hide myself. But fully clothed and not getting a phone call makes me feel like a cow. Silly how the mind works.

196 - guilt free

Went on the road trip with D and it was good. Lots of talking and I was surprised that I stayed awake, so was he as I did warn him that I might take a nap. I guess the nap I had at work did wonders for me.

We went to the Aquasasnee (sic) casino on the reserve in New York State. I lost about 160.00$ Not worried about it. Guilt free spending with the opportunity to make more. lol At one point D was down 900.00$ but the difference is, he made it back. I guess I'm not as big a gambler as I thought I would be.

We had dinner there and talked about whatever. I wasn't pressured to fill the silence. In fact I actually like it. It makes me feel somewhat normal. Not to be talking. Filling the silence and I don't feel that awkwardness that sometimes comes with silence.

Though on the ride back I for some reason shared a few things that I don't normally do. I thought it might scare him away but it didn't. He thought its was great. Though what that means I wont even bother figuring out lol I think he just thinks its great. I asked him after much verbal diarrhea if he was OK about the things that I shared and he said yes of course. Some people might not stick around after that kind of revelation.

Well, I figure if he has a problem with it I wont hear from him right? Right.

On the ride home his hand was on my thigh, my fingers were curious about his fingers and somehow they all ended up getting all touchy.

We got to my place and we fooled around in my living room for a while and that was a lot of fun. We've talked about the sex we've had and he pays attention. Let me tell you. He can read body language.

We took a quasi nap and then he had to leave.

A naked hostess I become after midnight and he always says that I make it hard for him. I lifted an eyebrow when he said that and he said... 'that too but you make it hard for me to leave when you're dressed that way.'

Kiss on the lips and off to my bed all by my great lonesome :)

The next day he calls and tells me he had a great time. We talked a bit about whats happening over the weekend. His weekend if full of moving this into this house that he bought. He is planning on sleeping there Sunday night so he wants to get things set up as much as possible.

I'm not sure if we'll see each other this weekend. That's OK as absence makes the libido meter rise. Though is it bad that my libido isn't particular? Whoever it is in the soup. It makes no difference as long as it is satisfied. I wonder what part of me decides where to focus the direction of my libidinous needs?

For You

I heard this song and it made me think of you. A single fish. You who is far away and on the other side of the world. You who make me think. Without even knowing it, without even meaning to. Ive thought of you often. I hope the world for you, even as your life continues. The ups and downs. The zigs and zags. I hope that in some small tiny way. Maybe you've thought of me too.

Really, you'll never know what I am thinking of but if you did. I hope that you know that I'm in your corner cheering you on. It will happen when its meant to happen. Whatever it is that you want to happen. Just be patient.

I'm a stranger to you and in some way I think the stars, the moon and planets and possibly The Powers That Be are either making fun of me or using this as a lesson that I need to learn.

We'll see. What I am, what I feel is a gift. Its not meant to scare you away and make things complicated. Its just there. I'm there without you realizing it. There's something sad yet liberating about it.

If you never see this that's OK. You've become a part of my life, in a way that you might never know. Thank you.

You Give Me Something by James Morrison.

.

You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep,
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep,
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.

You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me,
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what the mean,
I never thought that I'd love someone,
That was someone else's dream.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart,
But it might me a second too late,
And the words I could never say
Gonna come out anyway.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.
Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

.

195 - pool sharks

D - I was just propositioned by a 14 year old and an older lady that didn't have all her marbles. Just my luck.

Darling - Who did you say yes to?

D - You

Darling - ... and what did I offer?

D - Nothing but I can always hope

Darling - I bet you're hoping that I say carte blanche

D - I knew your offer would be the best

Darling - Perve

D - Are you just using me for sex because that's OK you know

Darling - Hmmmmm

D - I am just kidding

So the above was D and I texting back and forth last night while my sister and I were out sharpening our pool shark skills. We've got a long way to go. Were in the laughing ourselves silly stage when balls don't quite make it into the intended pocket.

I'm wondering about him thinking I'm using him for sex. I am... hes doing the same with me. We had the 'were not looking for relationships convo' when we first met... but how else do those people get into relationships unless they get into one? He calls and texts me often throughout the day. I dont mind them as it works with my schedule... aside form the sex schedule (midnight-ish) Its nice anytime but :) lol its also nice to plan a seduction right?

So. I wont be spending much time thinking about it but what came in my head was. OK, either he wants to clear the air about what 'we' are or hes hinting at something else?

We had offers to play against other tables but we we declined gracefully and of course leaving the carrot dangling, letting them know that wed be in about once a week and maybe we would see them again...

After a few drinks and a few hours of winning against my sister. I swear I wasn't even trying to win. She just kept sinking the 8 ball. I just had to sit back and watch her get down on herself about it. Silly girl.

We'll be back to practice. She was telling me when she was living in San Diego that she would play every day and got pretty good. I have to tell you I can see it. All we need is more practice. Once a week wont do it but its better than nothing. Plus It will be fun to get together play pool, laugh, and just plain get together like it is whenever we do plan something together.

At home later in the evening. D and I are talking on and off until he makes it in at midnight. I meet him at the door in the lacy, sheer pink piece I was telling him about and I meet him at the foot of the bed, where he pushes the straps down and slips it all off of me completely.

As soon as were on the bed, its hard, fast and intense. So intense that I have to change the sheets, blankets and figure out when to do all this laundry all while having a big huge smile on my face and I feel like laughing... then crying as I want more and hes already getting dressed to leave.

I get us some water and as I am opening the fridge door he says. 'I bet that you wont need your friend after that...' I look up and raise an eyebrow. He looks shocked and shakes his head at me.

In my head I'm thinking. How do I turn the switch off? Its been turned on and I cant just flip it off. Its passion that wants to be fed and if he cant continue to feed it, satisfy it, satiate it then Ill have to feed it myself.

So, as great fun and intense that time was. I wanted more. It made me feel/think a couple of things.

I'm not being satisfied ... fully. ( I just want to go all night.. most times... more more more.. )
I'm selfish because I want something that I cant have.
I have no idea if he wants to stay and continue for the rest of the night or even part of the night/morning as it were

Well, that's it for me on the thinking of those issues. Ill just keep on doing what I'm doing. Its been kind of dead on the soup situation. I think that's nice, it gives me a break and time to do things that I need to take care of.

194 - calls

Friday was uneventful. Watched movies and did laundry. I was invited to go out but I declined due to a reason I cant even recall. Wasn't anything serious, not to worry. I watched the end of 28 days. A movie D and I started to watch but didn't exactly watch and finish...

So, not the greatest movie for me but I will end up seeing the next one they have called 28 weeks later. Looks interesting. We shall see. Maybe it gets better... or maybe I just had other things happening and on my mind when I saw the movie :)

Friday night I was on the phone with D and I forgot my laundry in the laundry room. They close the room at 10pm and I remember my clothes at 10:20pm. D joked that the super would have a pair of my panties in his pocket. I hope not. Probably not. I made sure to check the next morning to see if they were all there but not knowing how many I threw in there.. really doesn't help. I decided not to think about it. Just remember to make it down before they close the doors. Silly me.

Saturday was spent shopping with my sister. We had lunch together, did updates on all areas of life. Laughed a lot and tried on a lot of clothes. We would model what we wore and critique each other as only sisters can. Brutally honest. Bought lingerie and told my sister that shes got a great body and could pull off many looks. (No I'm not jealous, but if I looked anything like her Id so take advantage ) ... not that I don't with how I look right now... Everyone has different tastes... I just cater to the ones that well... enjoy how I taste.

Work in the evening and then out to watch the hockey game. Scratch that, that didn't happen the going out to watch the game part. Instead I spent it at home, watching season number 5 of Friends and started to prepare ingredients that I would need to cook the next day.

Talked to D for a bit. Teased him about what I was wearing, something pink, lacy and see through. We talked about this and that and made tent plans to meet during the week.Thought of calling B and didn't. Not a major thing right now. Maybe sometime this week.

Also thought of K and how hes doing and what hes been up to. Wondering if we'll see each other sometime soon. Possibly.Still haven't gotten in touch with K2, not sure that I will. Why you ask? No reason. If it happens it happens if not then... oh well... just so you know.. I haven't totally written him off. We shall see.

Sun, a perfect lazy day spent, napping, tanning on my balcony wearing an original piece by Darling. So original I had to make sure no one else was out on their balcony to see if Darling has any tan lines, talking to good friends on the phone and just laz-ing around. Some snacking, listening to music and playing with the dogs. Great day.

After work that night. I'm on the phone with D as I make my way out to meet my brother and sister at Montana's. Of course I don't tell D who I am meeting because hes already assumed that its with another man. Hes teasing and I know hes fishing but I tell him that Ill be good... I throw out a question that has he ever seen me when I am not good. He brings up an occasion.. and tells me that he loved it and thinks its great. I might have a few drinks and then call it a night.

He teases me some more about being good because I am drinking. Cute really.We've made plans for lunch... for today... which just got postponed to another day. (pout) He said he'd call me later to explain. Considerate :)

Soooo.. in the middle of the call with D, I get an incoming call from a number that I don't recognize and decide to answer it. S... The guy who called while he was in traffic. I have a letter to assign. (simple things make me happy, what can I say?) YAY I have a name lol so I told him it was a bad time and thank you for calling can you call me back later or the next night? He said he would try, I said OK, look forward to it.

FLASH BACK, I think this might be the one that sweats profusely... without any physical contact. I cant recall if that night was excruciatingly hot and humid. I don't think so.

D is nosy and asks who it was, I tell him that people I haven't heard from in a while are coming out of the woodwork. Not a lie, it is someone that I haven't heard from in a while. So he teases me some more. And others that are coming from the woodwork are starting to sprout again.

I'm unsure if he called to see if I was able to meet with D, but as I understood it he was off running errands and didn't mention getting together. So I just continued with my plans. It would have been nice to get together though. Oh well.

Good times with my sister and brother. My aunt was there as well so it was a lot of laughs and had something to eat and we shared a something fried cheesecake that was de-lish

Home to prep for Monday and then off to bed.

---------------------------------------------------------

I get a private call from S2. This man and I spoke to each other back in Feb and he was off on vacation and I wasn't sure if Id hear from him when he returned .... I did today. He doesn't recall anything about me aside from the general area that I told him I lived in.

He asked what my schedule was like and I told him evenings was better as I work during the day. He asked if I could meet during the day at all. I said no. Wasn't much else to it than that. He said he'd call me back sometime if something should come up.